Frustrated by mixed signals...how can I tell if this guy likes me?

AyalaSurit · 11-08-2009, 04:48 AM

So here's the situation. There's this guy at work that I have a huge crush on. We've been friends for about a year, but over the past couple months, I noticed behavior from him that seemed like he was flirting with me. I actually confronted him about the flirting - he neither denied it nor confirmed it, all he said was he just wanted to be friends and we left it at that. However, even though he said he just wants to be friends, the flirtatious behavior has actually increased since then! The main problem is this - he's my BOSS. He knows that dating me could be breaking the rules and get us both in trouble. Yet he still keeps flirting with me (what I think is flirting). But at the same time, I wonder if maybe the flirtatiousness is all in my head and maybe he's really not interested.

Here's some of the things he's done that make me think he IS into me:

- I frequently catch him looking at me, and whenever I catch him doing this, he always reacts either one of these 2 ways - either he smiles a big smile, or he looks away quickly like he didn't want me to know he was looking at me.

- I go out of my way to touch him - I caress his arm, grab his hands, give him hugs, even run my fingers through his hair. One time I even backed up into him slowly so our entire bodies would be touching. He NEVER pulls away from my touch and almost always smiles when I do it.

- Whenever I initiate conversation with him, he always seems happy to talk. Lately he's been opening up a lot more about his personal life, telling me about his family and stuff like that.

- When he walks by me at work, sometimes he will touch me, and not in like a boss-employee way, but one of 2 ways - sometimes it's a soft, lingering touch on my shoulder, other times it's a playful little slap.

- He's hardly ever on Facebook, I know that for a fact, but it seems he always remembers random little bits of information from my Facebook status and brings them up in conversation.

- He was jokingly complaining that everyone in the world hates him, and I said, "I don't hate you." He smiled and said, "Well, that helps, actually."

- Everyone at work is very fond of making sexual jokes, and he does it too, but lately it seems when I'm around, he clams up when people are joking in a sexual way. I can't tell if this is a good sign or not.

- We have the same taste in music and one day he came up to tell me about this band he thought I would like. He was all excited talking about them, but when I told him I already knew who they were, he seemed disappointed and all of a sudden got flustered and kind of started babbling on about them.

- We wear these headsets at work and I wear the radio on my back pocket. One time my radio wasn't working and I told him something was wrong with it, so he said, "Fine, I'll fix it." Then he bent over and fixed the radio while it was still on my back pocket, with his hand near my ass the whole time! When he stood up, he smiled and I said, "That was interesting." And he smiled a goofy smile and said, "Yeah I enjoyed it."

- I hadn't seen him in a long time so I went up to him and told him I had missed him. He smiled so big when I said this and then asked me how my week had been.

- One time we all went out to a bar with a group of people from work and I spent the entire night talking to him. But during the entire conversation, I was leaning on him, pretty heavily, like our whole bodies touching, and I kept touching his arm the whole time. I actually said to him, "I apologize if I'm touching you too much." And he said, "It's ok, I don't mind."

Now HERE are some things that make me think maybe all of the above is in my head and he doesn't like me after all -

- After I confronted him about the flirting, like I said before, he neither denied nor confirmed it, just said he wanted us to be friends. But since then, the flirtatious behavior has increased!

- I texted him once just to ask him how his day was. He never texted me back.

- He makes goofy boy jokes around me, like asking me to pull his finger and fart jokes and stuff. I know that's just his sense of humor, he's always been like that, but either it means we're just friends or he's just comfortable with me.

- He can go whole days at work and pretty much ignore me when he's really busy or in a bad mood, and then I think, yeah he's really not into me. But then at the last minute, he'll wait until no one else is around and talk to me. For example, I recently cut my hair and dyed it red and he waited until no one else was around to tell me it looked good and ask me about it.

- I'm usually the one who initiates any conversation between us.

- I'm kind of a big girl, but a cute big girl, so I think maybe he's not attracted to me. But he's a big guy too and he always complains how girls don't like him! I just want to tell him I think he's the sweetest, coolest, and cutest guy I know, and even though he's a big guy, I think he's pretty sexy too.

- A customer hit on me pretty hardcore at work. This like never happens to me, it was so weird! When I told him about it, he just smiled and said, "That's awesome!" and laughed.

So you can see - I have NO CLUE what to think. I know he's my boss and he doesn't want to get in trouble (we have another boss who's above him who he would have to answer to in such a situation), but I am absolutely crazy about this guy and I just want to know for sure if he likes me. I am so confused with all these mixed signals, it's driving me crazy. I know for a fact that he's very single and hasn't had a girlfriend in a while, so I know that's not the problem.

I just don't know what to do and would really appreciate it if anyone out there could possibly help me decode some of these signals. Thanks for reading so far.

MikNomis · 11-08-2009, 08:49 AM

Hi Ayala, I read your post and just wanted to give you my opinion from a guy's point of view, though the gender thing is not too relevant in what I'm about to say.

So what I wanted to say was that I don't think any of these 'signals' are worth worrying over, because he gave you the number one clearest message you can possibly receive, and that is that he actually told you that he wanted to just remain friends. It doesn't get any clearer than that. In my opinion there should be no confusion at this point.

Even if some of us thought that one or more of his signals were peculiar, where would you go from there? Would you confront him a second time and ask why he sends you those peculiar signals? You can bet the response you'd receive would be something like, "Sorry, I didn't know you were taking it that way. But I told you I just wanted to be friends, didn't I?"

I think everytime you seem to 'notice' something about his behavior towards you, you should remember that he told you straight up that he only wants to be friends and dismiss whatever you noticed.

Anyway · 11-08-2009, 10:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MikNomis

Hi Ayala, I read your post and just wanted to give you my opinion from a guy's point of view, though the gender thing is not too relevant in what I'm about to say.

So what I wanted to say was that I don't think any of these 'signals' are worth worrying over, because he gave you the number one clearest message you can possibly receive, and that is that he actually told you that he wanted to just remain friends. It doesn't get any clearer than that. In my opinion there should be no confusion at this point.

Even if some of us thought that one or more of his signals were peculiar, where would you go from there? Would you confront him a second time and ask why he sends you those peculiar signals? You can bet the response you'd receive would be something like, "Sorry, I didn't know you were taking it that way. But I told you I just wanted to be friends, didn't I?"

I think everytime you seem to 'notice' something about his behavior towards you, you should remember that he told you straight up that he only wants to be friends and dismiss whatever you noticed.

My comment to this post: Action speaks louder than words.

To OP: I think he's attracted to you but he's your boss and can't be with you
I wouldn't start dating my boss because that would create too much turmoil.

badhabits · 11-08-2009, 06:36 PM

This is very long so tbh I did not read the whole thing but I got the gist of it.

Some men like to flirt and some men like to gain the attentions of women that they are attracted to. This in no sense means that they want to date you or want a relationship or anything like that. "Signals" are best ignored.

I have a rule of thumb, when a guy's words and actions don't line up, in the context that you think he might be interested listen to his words...in the context that he is actually interested and you start dating him it's time to pay attention to is actions.

Seems a bit unfair but that's how it goes.

AyalaSurit · 11-17-2009, 02:44 PM

Update on the whole situation: I asked him out. He said yes. Guess you were wrong, MikNomis.

MikNomis · 11-18-2009, 09:33 AM

Wrong about what? All I said was that for one reason or another, he told you he only wanted to be friends, so that you should honor him that. My point is, whether or not he has any interest in you is irrelevant if he said he just wanted to be friends.

But still, great! I'm glad it turned out this way for you. Good luck.

11-08-2009, 04:48 AM	#1
AyalaSurit Offline Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Atlanta, GA Posts: 2	Frustrated by mixed signals...how can I tell if this guy likes me? So here's the situation. There's this guy at work that I have a huge crush on. We've been friends for about a year, but over the past couple months, I noticed behavior from him that seemed like he was flirting with me. I actually confronted him about the flirting - he neither denied it nor confirmed it, all he said was he just wanted to be friends and we left it at that. However, even though he said he just wants to be friends, the flirtatious behavior has actually increased since then! The main problem is this - he's my BOSS. He knows that dating me could be breaking the rules and get us both in trouble. Yet he still keeps flirting with me (what I think is flirting). But at the same time, I wonder if maybe the flirtatiousness is all in my head and maybe he's really not interested. Here's some of the things he's done that make me think he IS into me: - I frequently catch him looking at me, and whenever I catch him doing this, he always reacts either one of these 2 ways - either he smiles a big smile, or he looks away quickly like he didn't want me to know he was looking at me. - I go out of my way to touch him - I caress his arm, grab his hands, give him hugs, even run my fingers through his hair. One time I even backed up into him slowly so our entire bodies would be touching. He NEVER pulls away from my touch and almost always smiles when I do it. - Whenever I initiate conversation with him, he always seems happy to talk. Lately he's been opening up a lot more about his personal life, telling me about his family and stuff like that. - When he walks by me at work, sometimes he will touch me, and not in like a boss-employee way, but one of 2 ways - sometimes it's a soft, lingering touch on my shoulder, other times it's a playful little slap. - He's hardly ever on Facebook, I know that for a fact, but it seems he always remembers random little bits of information from my Facebook status and brings them up in conversation. - He was jokingly complaining that everyone in the world hates him, and I said, "I don't hate you." He smiled and said, "Well, that helps, actually." - Everyone at work is very fond of making sexual jokes, and he does it too, but lately it seems when I'm around, he clams up when people are joking in a sexual way. I can't tell if this is a good sign or not. - We have the same taste in music and one day he came up to tell me about this band he thought I would like. He was all excited talking about them, but when I told him I already knew who they were, he seemed disappointed and all of a sudden got flustered and kind of started babbling on about them. - We wear these headsets at work and I wear the radio on my back pocket. One time my radio wasn't working and I told him something was wrong with it, so he said, "Fine, I'll fix it." Then he bent over and fixed the radio while it was still on my back pocket, with his hand near my ass the whole time! When he stood up, he smiled and I said, "That was interesting." And he smiled a goofy smile and said, "Yeah I enjoyed it." - I hadn't seen him in a long time so I went up to him and told him I had missed him. He smiled so big when I said this and then asked me how my week had been. - One time we all went out to a bar with a group of people from work and I spent the entire night talking to him. But during the entire conversation, I was leaning on him, pretty heavily, like our whole bodies touching, and I kept touching his arm the whole time. I actually said to him, "I apologize if I'm touching you too much." And he said, "It's ok, I don't mind." Now HERE are some things that make me think maybe all of the above is in my head and he doesn't like me after all - - After I confronted him about the flirting, like I said before, he neither denied nor confirmed it, just said he wanted us to be friends. But since then, the flirtatious behavior has increased! - I texted him once just to ask him how his day was. He never texted me back. - He makes goofy boy jokes around me, like asking me to pull his finger and fart jokes and stuff. I know that's just his sense of humor, he's always been like that, but either it means we're just friends or he's just comfortable with me. - He can go whole days at work and pretty much ignore me when he's really busy or in a bad mood, and then I think, yeah he's really not into me. But then at the last minute, he'll wait until no one else is around and talk to me. For example, I recently cut my hair and dyed it red and he waited until no one else was around to tell me it looked good and ask me about it. - I'm usually the one who initiates any conversation between us. - I'm kind of a big girl, but a cute big girl, so I think maybe he's not attracted to me. But he's a big guy too and he always complains how girls don't like him! I just want to tell him I think he's the sweetest, coolest, and cutest guy I know, and even though he's a big guy, I think he's pretty sexy too. - A customer hit on me pretty hardcore at work. This like never happens to me, it was so weird! When I told him about it, he just smiled and said, "That's awesome!" and laughed. So you can see - I have NO CLUE what to think. I know he's my boss and he doesn't want to get in trouble (we have another boss who's above him who he would have to answer to in such a situation), but I am absolutely crazy about this guy and I just want to know for sure if he likes me. I am so confused with all these mixed signals, it's driving me crazy. I know for a fact that he's very single and hasn't had a girlfriend in a while, so I know that's not the problem. I just don't know what to do and would really appreciate it if anyone out there could possibly help me decode some of these signals. Thanks for reading so far.

11-18-2009, 09:33 AM	#6
MikNomis Offline Member Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Los Angeles Gender: Male Age: 20 Posts: 8	Wrong about what? All I said was that for one reason or another, he told you he only wanted to be friends, so that you should honor him that. My point is, whether or not he has any interest in you is irrelevant if he said he just wanted to be friends. But still, great! I'm glad it turned out this way for you. Good luck. Last edited by MikNomis; 11-18-2009 at 09:44 AM.

11-08-2009, 08:49 AM	#2
MikNomis Offline Member Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Los Angeles Gender: Male Age: 20 Posts: 8	Hi Ayala, I read your post and just wanted to give you my opinion from a guy's point of view, though the gender thing is not too relevant in what I'm about to say. So what I wanted to say was that I don't think any of these 'signals' are worth worrying over, because he gave you the number one clearest message you can possibly receive, and that is that he actually told you that he wanted to just remain friends. It doesn't get any clearer than that. In my opinion there should be no confusion at this point. Even if some of us thought that one or more of his signals were peculiar, where would you go from there? Would you confront him a second time and ask why he sends you those peculiar signals? You can bet the response you'd receive would be something like, "Sorry, I didn't know you were taking it that way. But I told you I just wanted to be friends, didn't I?" I think everytime you seem to 'notice' something about his behavior towards you, you should remember that he told you straight up that he only wants to be friends and dismiss whatever you noticed.

11-08-2009, 06:36 PM	#4
badhabits Offline Silver Member Join Date: May 2009 Location: Sydney, Australia Gender: Female Posts: 468	This is very long so tbh I did not read the whole thing but I got the gist of it. Some men like to flirt and some men like to gain the attentions of women that they are attracted to. This in no sense means that they want to date you or want a relationship or anything like that. "Signals" are best ignored. I have a rule of thumb, when a guy's words and actions don't line up, in the context that you think he might be interested listen to his words...in the context that he is actually interested and you start dating him it's time to pay attention to is actions. Seems a bit unfair but that's how it goes.

11-17-2009, 02:44 PM	#5
AyalaSurit Offline Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Atlanta, GA Posts: 2	Update on the whole situation: I asked him out. He said yes. Guess you were wrong, MikNomis.