I feel no closure

MNmike · 11-03-2009, 09:00 PM

We broke up in August, her descision. We talked for 3 weeks after. I could've gotten her back easy. She wanted to come back. I felt I needed some time.

She said she loved me for the first time the last time we saw each other. She was angry because I was not ready to commit the way she wanted. I was hurt in the past.

I did love her, and after the time apart (three weeks, communicating every day) and a 3,500 mile solo road trip, I realized I cannot let past hurt ruin something good. I wanted us to be together. A few days before our plans to meet she said "maybe I will marry you some day" I said, "maybe"

We had plans to meet on Sept 6. I was going to tell her how I felt. She blew me off for a date. When she told me that I felt I couldn't tell her that I love her and wanted her in my life for a long time. So I let it go.

Last summer she talked about us being together for ever. She told my sister and friend she would marry me. She said she was never in love before ME.

She is now with the new guy. She posted on face book 1.5 weeks ago, she is in love. After knowing him for 1.5 months!

I feel regret of not telling her that I love her. All she ever wanted to here from me. But now I feel like if I tell her, she'll think its just because I cannot have her.

But cannot go on with the fact that I love someone and she doesn't know. I never told anyone I loved them, cause well I never really did before.

I feel like I will regret not ever letting her know. Even though I'm sure she will say its too late, and I had many chances. But still I feel like "I" need to say it. I guess for some closure.

Does that make sense? Like I said she will say its too late. But I already feel bad, I feel like there is nothing to lose now.

I just don't want to regret this not letting her know.

MrWallFlower · 11-03-2009, 10:31 PM

Why do you suppose you two never told each other how you felt (or never realized how you felt) until after she broke it off? When she told you she loved you, what did you say?

You said you could not commit to her because you were hurt in the past. In protecting yourself from getting hurt, she broke it off and you are left hurting anyway. Yes, commiting to her leaves you open to getting hurt but it also leaves you open to getting loved.

I hope it's not a case of you don't want her but you don't want to see her happy with someone else.

Nappyloxs · 11-03-2009, 11:40 PM

I wish I could give you some advice on this. My situation is similar. I know that part of my breakup was because I did not express or accept how much I love her.

I think the guy she is currently dating is just a rebound. She may come back to you after the rebound ends.

I can't tell you to tell her you love her and want to reconcile or not. Definitely, let her explore this rebound. I know us guys want to "fight for her" especially when she is with another man. But it will likely backfire.

You should probably move on with your life and maybe keep in limited contact with her. When the rebound ends, be there for her and you will get her back.

MNmike · 11-04-2009, 01:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MrWallFlower

In protecting yourself from getting hurt, she broke it off and you are left hurting anyway. Yes, commiting to her leaves you open to getting hurt but it also leaves you open to getting loved.

.

I know this now, at the time I thought I was doing whats best for me. What I was comfortable with. She at one point told me exactly what you said above, about being open to love is a chance, and being hurt always goes along with that. But a chance we have to take. And unfortunately I wasn't ready to take that chance and got hurt anyway.

I realize why she left. She got frustrated. She wanted more, I wasn't ready.

I do want her to be happy.

Tonight I realize that I must just leave it alone. Concentrate on myself. I have been obsessing too much the last few days. If she really did love me, and this is a rebound, I'll know. If not, I learned a hard lesson, that will only better future relationships. One way or another. Only time will tell. So I am going to try my damnest to rid my thoughts of it and work on me. Even if she called tomorrow I'm not in the right mindset to talk to her anyway.

We were great together, thats true. There were no terrible things that were said or done to each other. We were at different places. I have since discovered that I cannot let past hurt get in the way of something good, which I did. Yes I'd love for it to work out down the road, but I cannot count on that.

So as of now, I must take control of these emotions. I must, to move forward. Whats happened is the past, I can only look to the future. And not let the past repeat itself. Nobody is perfect we make mistakes. I need to forgive myself for the ones I made. Its hard, I blame me, I regret, I miss her.

But its me time now, I have to fix myself. I realize I had a really big problem, not being able to commit to someone I KNEW was great. And thought I was amazing. It seems ridiculous to me now.

I am human, damn.....

jettison · 11-04-2009, 01:53 AM

Most of the time I say "don't say it, leave it alone", but your case is an exception. Tell her that you love her. Just do it, but at the same time wish her luck with the new man and then disappear. In this case you are really doing it for yourself, and you deserve that.

When I know something is truly, truly over it's amazing just how free I feel to express myself. When your heart has nothing more to lose, and doesn't need to protect itself, it's amazing what your heart is then capable of... amazing things.

MNmike · 11-04-2009, 12:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jettison

Most of the time I say "don't say it, leave it alone", but your case is an exception. Tell her that you love her. Just do it, but at the same time wish her luck with the new man and then disappear. In this case you are really doing it for yourself, and you deserve that.

When I know something is truly, truly over it's amazing just how free I feel to express myself. When your heart has nothing more to lose, and doesn't need to protect itself, it's amazing what your heart is then capable of... amazing things.

Now I'm not so sure if I should. Maybe I should just forget it.

I feel confused.

MNmike · 11-06-2009, 07:37 PM

To get some input I talked to a counselor I had spoken with in the past.

She told me if I'm not ready to let this go just yet I need to tell her how I truly feel. But as is stated here, I must do it in a confident, not needy way. Basically just be truthful.
1. So she actually knows that I wanted her in my life. (She thought I didn't care.)
2. She knows that I realize my mistakes and my part in it.
3. So I can move on without regretting that I never tell her my feelings (which I had a hard time doing in the relationship.)

Because i realized so much about me lately and my part in the break up. Basically it was all my fault, really.
We talked about what happened, I explained everything to the counselor and she agreed. It was my past hurt and fear of getting hurt that sabotaged it all. Its clear now, and it sucks. Even though this girl loved me.

She suggested that I talk in person, but I tried to contact her 2 days ago just to chat and haven't gotten a response yet.

I will talk to the counselor Monday. She said that e-mails and phone calls are a last resort. I cannot get across what I really want to say that way. But if she doesn't meet me, thats all that I have.

One thing is for sure, if you are in a break up, stand back, take an objective look at the relationship. You may see something about yourself that you may not like, and hopefully grow from it.

I have, and now that its too late, regret is a hard thing to live with.

I know what she said somewhat counters what has been said here. But at this point, I feel not ready to go NC and move on until I get some things off my chest.

Regardless, she is with someone else already, I don't feel like i can get lower at this point. Just say what I need to and move ahead. NC unless she wants to talk. Thats the only way after I resolve what I need to.

We'll see. I need to trust the universe on this one.

Nappyloxs · 11-06-2009, 07:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MNmike

To get some input I talked to a counselor I had spoken with in the past.

She told me if I'm not ready to let this go just yet I need to tell her how I truly feel. But as is stated here, I must do it in a confident, not needy way. Basically just be truthful.
1. So she actually knows that I wanted her in my life. (She thought I didn't care.)
2. She knows that I realize my mistakes and my part in it.
3. So I can move on without regretting that I never tell her my feelings (which I had a hard time doing in the relationship.)

Because i realized so much about me lately and my part in the break up. Basically it was all my fault, really.
We talked about what happened, I explained everything to the counselor and she agreed. It was my past hurt and fear of getting hurt that sabotaged it all. Its clear now, and it sucks. Even though this girl loved me.

She suggested that I talk in person, but I tried to contact her 2 days ago just to chat and haven't gotten a response yet.

I will talk to the counselor Monday. She said that e-mails and phone calls are a last resort. I cannot get across what I really want to say that way. But if she doesn't meet me, thats all that I have.

One thing is for sure, if you are in a break up, stand back, take an objective look at the relationship. You may see something about yourself that you may not like, and hopefully grow from it.

I have, and now that its too late, regret is a hard thing to live with.

I tried this. But probably in the needy way. Like you said though, I feel better knowing that I tried, that I told her how I felt.

I definitely sat back and took an objective look at many things. It does help tremendously, but also can kind of drive you crazy.

Example: I blamed my ex's new roommate for influencing ex. Now I realize that even if that is so, it is still ex. to blame for allowing the influence. That makes ex. weak and our relationship would have always been weak if she is influenced by others. Now I am wondering, if she ever came back, would I get back with her?? She would just be influenced again later one and we would be in the same boat.

If you do send an email/letter, do yourself a favor. Take your time on it. Take a few days to write it and make sure you give it your best writing and it says everything you feel in the best way possible. I wish I would have done that.

And only send 1 !!!

Good luck.

MNmike · 11-06-2009, 07:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nappyloxs

I tried this. But probably in the needy way. Like you said though, I feel better knowing that I tried, that I told her how I felt.

I definitely sat back and took an objective look at many things. It does help tremendously, but also can kind of drive you crazy.

Example: I blamed my ex's new roommate for influencing ex. Now I realize that even if that is so, it is still ex. to blame for allowing the influence. That makes ex. weak and our relationship would have always been weak if she is influenced by others. Now I am wondering, if she ever came back, would I get back with her?? She would just be influenced again later one and we would be in the same boat.

If you do send an email/letter, do yourself a favor. Take your time on it. Take a few days to write it and make sure you give it your best writing and it says everything you feel in the best way possible. I wish I would have done that.

And only send 1 !!!

Good luck.

I have written it, in the case I don't talk to her. Its been revised several times. Its good, and truthful. No games, no blaming, not hurtful words. Just the honest truth.

Ms Darcy · 11-06-2009, 09:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MNmike

To get some input I talked to a counselor I had spoken with in the past.

She told me if I'm not ready to let this go just yet I need to tell her how I truly feel. But as is stated here, I must do it in a confident, not needy way. Basically just be truthful.
1. So she actually knows that I wanted her in my life. (She thought I didn't care.)
2. She knows that I realize my mistakes and my part in it.
3. So I can move on without regretting that I never tell her my feelings (which I had a hard time doing in the relationship.)

Because i realized so much about me lately and my part in the break up. Basically it was all my fault, really.
We talked about what happened, I explained everything to the counselor and she agreed. It was my past hurt and fear of getting hurt that sabotaged it all. Its clear now, and it sucks. Even though this girl loved me.

She suggested that I talk in person, but I tried to contact her 2 days ago just to chat and haven't gotten a response yet.

I will talk to the counselor Monday. She said that e-mails and phone calls are a last resort. I cannot get across what I really want to say that way. But if she doesn't meet me, thats all that I have.

One thing is for sure, if you are in a break up, stand back, take an objective look at the relationship. You may see something about yourself that you may not like, and hopefully grow from it.

I have, and now that its too late, regret is a hard thing to live with.

I know what she said somewhat counters what has been said here. But at this point, I feel not ready to go NC and move on until I get some things off my chest.

Regardless, she is with someone else already, I don't feel like i can get lower at this point. Just say what I need to and move ahead. NC unless she wants to talk. Thats the only way after I resolve what I need to.

We'll see. I need to trust the universe on this one.

I would wait a little bit just so you can heal a little from the hurt and make sure the feelings you are expressing are genuine and not a reaction to rejection. But having said that, I do think that in this case telling her how you feel is a useful idea.

It may not work, but at least you won't have anything to regret.

11-03-2009, 09:00 PM	#1
MNmike Offline Member Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: MN Gender: Male Age: 33 Posts: 139	I feel no closure We broke up in August, her descision. We talked for 3 weeks after. I could've gotten her back easy. She wanted to come back. I felt I needed some time. She said she loved me for the first time the last time we saw each other. She was angry because I was not ready to commit the way she wanted. I was hurt in the past. I did love her, and after the time apart (three weeks, communicating every day) and a 3,500 mile solo road trip, I realized I cannot let past hurt ruin something good. I wanted us to be together. A few days before our plans to meet she said "maybe I will marry you some day" I said, "maybe" We had plans to meet on Sept 6. I was going to tell her how I felt. She blew me off for a date. When she told me that I felt I couldn't tell her that I love her and wanted her in my life for a long time. So I let it go. Last summer she talked about us being together for ever. She told my sister and friend she would marry me. She said she was never in love before ME. She is now with the new guy. She posted on face book 1.5 weeks ago, she is in love. After knowing him for 1.5 months! I feel regret of not telling her that I love her. All she ever wanted to here from me. But now I feel like if I tell her, she'll think its just because I cannot have her. But cannot go on with the fact that I love someone and she doesn't know. I never told anyone I loved them, cause well I never really did before. I feel like I will regret not ever letting her know. Even though I'm sure she will say its too late, and I had many chances. But still I feel like "I" need to say it. I guess for some closure. Does that make sense? Like I said she will say its too late. But I already feel bad, I feel like there is nothing to lose now. I just don't want to regret this not letting her know. Last edited by MNmike; 11-03-2009 at 09:14 PM.

11-04-2009, 01:53 AM	#5
jettison Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: West Bay Posts: 4,964	Most of the time I say "don't say it, leave it alone", but your case is an exception. Tell her that you love her. Just do it, but at the same time wish her luck with the new man and then disappear. In this case you are really doing it for yourself, and you deserve that. When I know something is truly, truly over it's amazing just how free I feel to express myself. When your heart has nothing more to lose, and doesn't need to protect itself, it's amazing what your heart is then capable of... amazing things. __________________ A unique opportunity... If you were at the deathbed of a woman you secretly loved all your life but whom you never had the courage to tell and then she tells you that she secretly loved you all these years, what a great opportunity that would be to practice your "poker face." "I wish someone knew me. I’d pick them apart and find out who I am." - Equestrian Dynamo

11-03-2009, 10:31 PM	#2
MrWallFlower Offline Member Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Ohio, USA Gender: Male Age: 44 Posts: 46	Why do you suppose you two never told each other how you felt (or never realized how you felt) until after she broke it off? When she told you she loved you, what did you say? You said you could not commit to her because you were hurt in the past. In protecting yourself from getting hurt, she broke it off and you are left hurting anyway. Yes, commiting to her leaves you open to getting hurt but it also leaves you open to getting loved. I hope it's not a case of you don't want her but you don't want to see her happy with someone else.

11-03-2009, 11:40 PM	#3
Nappyloxs Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Oct 2009 Posts: 282	I wish I could give you some advice on this. My situation is similar. I know that part of my breakup was because I did not express or accept how much I love her. I think the guy she is currently dating is just a rebound. She may come back to you after the rebound ends. I can't tell you to tell her you love her and want to reconcile or not. Definitely, let her explore this rebound. I know us guys want to "fight for her" especially when she is with another man. But it will likely backfire. You should probably move on with your life and maybe keep in limited contact with her. When the rebound ends, be there for her and you will get her back.

11-06-2009, 07:37 PM	#7
MNmike Offline Member Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: MN Gender: Male Age: 33 Posts: 139	To get some input I talked to a counselor I had spoken with in the past. She told me if I'm not ready to let this go just yet I need to tell her how I truly feel. But as is stated here, I must do it in a confident, not needy way. Basically just be truthful. 1. So she actually knows that I wanted her in my life. (She thought I didn't care.) 2. She knows that I realize my mistakes and my part in it. 3. So I can move on without regretting that I never tell her my feelings (which I had a hard time doing in the relationship.) Because i realized so much about me lately and my part in the break up. Basically it was all my fault, really. We talked about what happened, I explained everything to the counselor and she agreed. It was my past hurt and fear of getting hurt that sabotaged it all. Its clear now, and it sucks. Even though this girl loved me. She suggested that I talk in person, but I tried to contact her 2 days ago just to chat and haven't gotten a response yet. I will talk to the counselor Monday. She said that e-mails and phone calls are a last resort. I cannot get across what I really want to say that way. But if she doesn't meet me, thats all that I have. One thing is for sure, if you are in a break up, stand back, take an objective look at the relationship. You may see something about yourself that you may not like, and hopefully grow from it. I have, and now that its too late, regret is a hard thing to live with. I know what she said somewhat counters what has been said here. But at this point, I feel not ready to go NC and move on until I get some things off my chest. Regardless, she is with someone else already, I don't feel like i can get lower at this point. Just say what I need to and move ahead. NC unless she wants to talk. Thats the only way after I resolve what I need to. We'll see. I need to trust the universe on this one.