How do you know when you're really over someone?

Bubalu · 11-03-2009, 08:25 PM

I think that sometimes, even though we think we can see things objectively, our perception can be a bit skewed when you were the one in the situation. That's why I need help in answering this question. How do you know when you're over someone and it's safe to be around them/hang out with them again? Apparently I was wrong once, and I don't want to make that mistake again. And, what if you are over someone, is there a risk of falling back in love if you spend time with that person?

**BlueAfterglow08** · 11-03-2009, 08:33 PM

Jeese I dont know, Its a toughie, I have period where I ponder over my ex from a couple of years ago. Am I over him, most likely, but the hurt/memories linger I guess, but am I happy, heck yes.

I think after a certain amount of time you know when your ready if you ever are to be their friend or speak to them.

Bubalu · 11-03-2009, 08:47 PM

See, that's the thing. I'm his "friend", we speak and get along fine, but I'm still not sure. We're not close friends, we only speak at school and text every once in a while. I feel fine the way things are now, but...lately he's been asking to hang out more often. Should I? I think I'm over him and could see him as a friend, but what if I'm wrong? I was wrong once before...I truly thought I was over him but I realized his presence still strongly affected me. That was months ago though, now it could be different..I don't know.

**BlueAfterglow08** · 11-03-2009, 08:50 PM

Why not give it a go? If you start finding it difficult then just explain you'd rather step it back a bit because you want to work on being friends.

Tibber · 11-03-2009, 09:12 PM

Is it possible you might never completely be over him? I have seen people on these boards post because they saw their ex with a new partner many years after the breakup, and it still made feel bad to see that.

Like BlueAfterglow said, you might need to just test it and see how you feel being with him.

mysticdaisy · 11-04-2009, 01:06 AM

I think a better question is why you need to know the precise point that you're over somebody.

If you can start and maintain a relationship with somebody else without comparing them constantly or thinking about the wrong person or whatever, then I think that's really all you need to move on, and whether you can "Safely" contact her would be determined based on whether it gets in the way of this ability, if I were you.

But full and complete getting-overness is weird and complex and may never happen for some people - I have one ex (~2 yrs) that I don't think about at all for weeks sometimes, yet I get really upset for a short period of time (like a day maybe) if I know she's with somebody new. Recently she visited me and we were both all over each other. But then I didn't really feel anything the next day. No problem seeing and loving other people... I don't know, it's often pretty unpredictable.

Some people are also just much more prone to falling for their exes, too, while others never do or compartmentalize easily or just have no contact forever and love it. Some people are really good friends with a bunch of their exes and some can't hack it.

So risk? Yes, of course. Especially if it's happened before. Universal timetable? Absolutely not - I think this kind of thing is way more variable than even other relationship issues.

waveseer · 11-04-2009, 01:08 AM

In order for me to hang out with a man I used to date he must become not only neutral but downright undesirable. Anything less is playing with fire.

penelope13 · 11-04-2009, 01:52 PM

You know when

- his name is not the first thing that pops into your head when waking up
- you see girls and think they may be a good match for him
- you don't use any memory related to him for a password
- you can think back and enjoy the memories without getting melancholic
...

11-03-2009, 08:25 PM	#1
Bubalu Offline Gold Member Join Date: Jan 2008 Gender: Female Age: 22 Posts: 1,258	How do you know when you're really over someone? I think that sometimes, even though we think we can see things objectively, our perception can be a bit skewed when you were the one in the situation. That's why I need help in answering this question. How do you know when you're over someone and it's safe to be around them/hang out with them again? Apparently I was wrong once, and I don't want to make that mistake again. And, what if you are over someone, is there a risk of falling back in love if you spend time with that person?

11-03-2009, 08:33 PM	#2
BlueAfterglow08 Online Super Moderator Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: UK Gender: Female Age: 20 Posts: 5,248	Jeese I dont know, Its a toughie, I have period where I ponder over my ex from a couple of years ago. Am I over him, most likely, but the hurt/memories linger I guess, but am I happy, heck yes. I think after a certain amount of time you know when your ready if you ever are to be their friend or speak to them. __________________ Please see the forum rules before posting http://www.enotalone.com/forum/forum-rules.php ''Freedom is not worth having if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes.' -Mahatma Gandhi'

11-03-2009, 08:50 PM	#4
BlueAfterglow08 Online Super Moderator Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: UK Gender: Female Age: 20 Posts: 5,248	Why not give it a go? If you start finding it difficult then just explain you'd rather step it back a bit because you want to work on being friends. __________________ Please see the forum rules before posting http://www.enotalone.com/forum/forum-rules.php ''Freedom is not worth having if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes.' -Mahatma Gandhi'

11-04-2009, 01:08 AM	#7
waveseer Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: In a world full of possibilities. Gender: Female Age: 46 Posts: 11,062	In order for me to hang out with a man I used to date he must become not only neutral but downright undesirable. Anything less is playing with fire. __________________ Whoever dies with the most "happy" wins! ~ shuttlefish profile pic explained: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xl6yXBnLYYM and more: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CKnw9TM_AAI and if you weren't convinced: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S3fPtMuBtMs and if you're not sick yet: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jTvUT_Hx4Dc to accept your partner: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zgP57lJvWRw

11-03-2009, 08:47 PM	#3
Bubalu Offline Gold Member Join Date: Jan 2008 Gender: Female Age: 22 Posts: 1,258	See, that's the thing. I'm his "friend", we speak and get along fine, but I'm still not sure. We're not close friends, we only speak at school and text every once in a while. I feel fine the way things are now, but...lately he's been asking to hang out more often. Should I? I think I'm over him and could see him as a friend, but what if I'm wrong? I was wrong once before...I truly thought I was over him but I realized his presence still strongly affected me. That was months ago though, now it could be different..I don't know.

11-03-2009, 09:12 PM	#5
Tibber Offline Member Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: Colorado Gender: Male Age: 31 Posts: 141	Is it possible you might never completely be over him? I have seen people on these boards post because they saw their ex with a new partner many years after the breakup, and it still made feel bad to see that. Like BlueAfterglow said, you might need to just test it and see how you feel being with him.

11-04-2009, 01:06 AM	#6
mysticdaisy Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Oct 2009 Gender: Male Age: 23 Posts: 221	I think a better question is why you need to know the precise point that you're over somebody. If you can start and maintain a relationship with somebody else without comparing them constantly or thinking about the wrong person or whatever, then I think that's really all you need to move on, and whether you can "Safely" contact her would be determined based on whether it gets in the way of this ability, if I were you. But full and complete getting-overness is weird and complex and may never happen for some people - I have one ex (~2 yrs) that I don't think about at all for weeks sometimes, yet I get really upset for a short period of time (like a day maybe) if I know she's with somebody new. Recently she visited me and we were both all over each other. But then I didn't really feel anything the next day. No problem seeing and loving other people... I don't know, it's often pretty unpredictable. Some people are also just much more prone to falling for their exes, too, while others never do or compartmentalize easily or just have no contact forever and love it. Some people are really good friends with a bunch of their exes and some can't hack it. So risk? Yes, of course. Especially if it's happened before. Universal timetable? Absolutely not - I think this kind of thing is way more variable than even other relationship issues.

11-04-2009, 01:52 PM	#8
penelope13 Online Platinum Member Join Date: Jul 2008 Posts: 1,451	You know when - his name is not the first thing that pops into your head when waking up - you see girls and think they may be a good match for him - you don't use any memory related to him for a password - you can think back and enjoy the memories without getting melancholic ...