Anyone have a mutual timeline when to break NC?

[feelingitnow]

Hi, just wondering if anyone has set a mutual timeline with an ex -- where they want time apart to sort out their feelings that's not open-ended, but scheduled to end on a set date. I have a date in December to wait until...are any of you in the same situation, how are you dealing with this? And have any of you gone through this scheduled "time apart" and how did it turn out in the end? He said that "time apart is the only way I can consider reconciling and starting something/moving forward again" and that he needs to "clear his head and figure out if his feelings are genuine" because we were fighting a lot and had a rough two months of constant contact and hooking up even after we officially broke up.

Just curious, any feedback would be appreciated...my NC seems to be unique in that we have a scheduled day on when it should end, so it's slightly different than those who are just coping with a breakup and hoping for reconciliation at some indeterminate point in the future. Please share any thoughts or stories if you are able to relate...

I am just trying to see if these situations tend to lead to disappointment in the end or can actually lead to something positive, when an ex sets a finite deadline for when the NC ends and would like to talk about things then...he said it's not a relationship "break" and that it's just so he can "process the past so that he can think about the future..." I know, he's calling all the shots now but all I can do is wait; he's asked for this before and I have crossed boundaries in the past but am doing this now as a show of respect and love -- and hope.

Anyone relate?

THANKS!!

[petnames]

we did this, she broke it 2 weeks in. go as long as you can, the scheduled date means he is looking forward to it the same as you are

[Dinka]

I've been on NC with my ex for about five years. No plans to break.

If you need to do it to talk about things, clearly established NC should end when you are both calm, cool, and collected. If you feel you are ready to discuss, shoot him a message - but don't expect a reply - and say, "When you are ready to talk down the line, I am also ready to discuss things." Make sure there is no pressure for him to respond, or that will make him feel agitated or like there is a confrontation going on.

Then you can feel comfortable knowing that you are not forcing him to start talking if he isn't ready.

[feelingitnow]

Originally Posted by petnames

we did this, she broke it 2 weeks in. go as long as you can, the scheduled date means he is looking forward to it the same as you are

Thanks for the feedback...that's somewhat encouraging, I guess. On day 6 now, 39 to go. All kinds of thoughts though about what will happen when we meet in December, I hate it. Kind of was debating about just telling my ex forget it, what's the point which would sabotage the whole thing. I guess it would relieve my anxiety now, but I would likely regret it later. He chose the date, not me. I just agreed because he asked for the time -- broke a couple times last week, and he said it "continued to frustrate" him and that if I couldn't give him the space then I'm right that we should just give up. Then he said he wasn't responding any more til December. So like it or not, he's forcing me to wait. I am just going to be VERY disappointed if this leads no where or he has found someone new, etc -- because we could just as easily as had a clean break last month, instead of waiting and waiting.

Like you said, though, I guess that means he doesn't want that and is looking forward to talking then as much as I am. Thanks for putting the positive spin on things. Anyone else have any feedback or can relate?

[Clabs]

Hi feelingitnow!

I am all for positives, but keep your feet on the ground, hun. Setting a date to break NC for an answer from him could set you up for a massive fall as you focus closer and closer on that date - if it doesn't go your way.

Try and keep an open mind and start taking some of the eggs out of your basket!

Good luck though.

Mark

[Natashacs]

my ex (i still keep wanting to write 'boyfriend' without the 'ex') spoke about meeting up in January 27th 2012. because we both said tht we wish we'd met later in life. but I doubt that will actually happen and he'll probably have met someone else by then. Id love to go do our own things and then meet up then and stay together forever, but I know its idealistic. what I really want is to be together now...

[feelingitnow]

Originally Posted by Clabs

Hi feelingitnow!

I am all for positives, but keep your feet on the ground, hun. Setting a date to break NC for an answer from him could set you up for a massive fall as you focus closer and closer on that date - if it doesn't go your way.

Try and keep an open mind and start taking some of the eggs out of your basket!

Good luck though.

Mark

Thanks for the feedback; I've tried going on dates and meeting people but still can't get over this guy. It's given me good perspective though so far, and things did get messy in the end due to a lot of miscommunicating on both ends. I've tried to have hope, he said this time apart is the only way he can consider reconciling and starting something again at this time. But I have no interest in being friends and admit I will be disappointed if he's with someone else or decides he's not interested in reconciling. I'd feel like all the waiting was a waste. I am trying to take some eggs out though, but it's not really getting me any where. I won't really have closure or know where things stand til December -- the ball got stuck in his court unfortunately.

I just wonder if him setting a date is a positive sign in and of itself; he said he's done this in the past and has asked for this in the past, and I wasn't able to give it to him because I'm a "let's talk it out" kind of guy, as opposed to a "let me sit and think about this by myself for awhile" kind of guy. I am trying to adapt and do things his way, because I care, and I have avoided the urge to sabotage things and just tell him to screw off thus far for the same reason. He's disappointed me in the past, and if he is all wishy washy when we meet again, that will be the final disappointment.

Thanks for the feedback, I'm trying...it just seems to be odd that he made a set day that we would end the NC, not many other people on here seem to be in that predicament.

[feelingitnow]

Originally Posted by Natashacs

my ex (i still keep wanting to write 'boyfriend' without the 'ex') spoke about meeting up in January 27th 2012. because we both said tht we wish we'd met later in life. but I doubt that will actually happen and he'll probably have met someone else by then. Id love to go do our own things and then meet up then and stay together forever, but I know its idealistic. what I really want is to be together now...

Why 2012? That's a LONG time away so make me feel somewhat comforted that my NC period is supposed to end in 39 days. It is sort of romantic, though -- are you both in school or something, or is there something special about that day? Just curious...

[feelingitnow]

Originally Posted by Dinka

I've been on NC with my ex for about five years. No plans to break.

If you need to do it to talk about things, clearly established NC should end when you are both calm, cool, and collected. If you feel you are ready to discuss, shoot him a message - but don't expect a reply - and say, "When you are ready to talk down the line, I am also ready to discuss things." Make sure there is no pressure for him to respond, or that will make him feel agitated or like there is a confrontation going on.

Then you can feel comfortable knowing that you are not forcing him to start talking if he isn't ready.

That's a good point -- he did state before we started the NC period that he felt like I was pressuring him, because I was asking if he hoped we could reconcile, like what thoughts did he have about the future, etc, and he said he felt like I was pressuring him so that is an awesome point and definitely something to avoid. I think if I can follow through with his request for space during this period, that would be a good signal to him and a sign of respect, even though it's been hard to do. If we just said it was over, then it would be easier -- but would also be sabotaging any plans for the future.

But yeah, no pressure -- and I guess the pressure will be lifted when our agreed-upon day to communicate again is here.

[Natashacs]

Originally Posted by feelingitnow

Why 2012? That's a LONG time away so make me feel somewhat comforted that my NC period is supposed to end in 39 days. It is sort of romantic, though -- are you both in school or something, or is there something special about that day? Just curious...

january 27th is our anniversary. that would be our 6th if we were still together. we're not in school no, we just finished uni, and he'll hav finished his 2yr graduate programme by then. we're gonna talk before then, and im hoping we get back together a lot sooner! but, we met and started goin out when were were 18 and now we're 22, hav had a great relationship but he doesnt 'feel the same anymore', i spoke to him about it the other night and i said i wish u werent my first proper relationship so that i didnt make all the mistakes and i met u later in life and he said he felt the same so thats when we made a date for then... not like its gonna happen tho. wud b lovely if it did. although i want him back now!