I think I'm suicidal, but I'm not sure.

IndieLover · 11-07-2009, 12:09 PM

Hello ENA:

This is a long letter that has taken me ages to write, so I hope I get at least 10 answers.

Basically I am uncertian whether or not I am suicidal. Sometimes I feel really bad and am just desperate for a painless method to kill myself, and other times when I have been
doing enjoyable things, I feel fine and forget about everything.

But on the general scheme of things, I believe I am suicidal. My soul is already dead, I just need my body to catch up now.

I have thought about how to kill myself and I can't think of a method - my dad is with me all the time which makes it difficult to actually end my life - but maybe that's a good thing.
All I can visualise is jumping out of my bedroom window while he is asleep.

I am feeling like this for a large number of reasons.

The main one is that, to cut a long story short, my dad's likely to lose his girlfriend, he is so upset, but there's more than just that. I don't go to school, my dad doesn't go to work. SO either of us have real friends.
I feel that the end of this relatinship is the end of our lives. And I feel it's unlikely for him to find someone else, because of me - I am autistic and need to be looked after,
meaning that my dad and his gf could only go out on their own 2 days a week when I was with my mum, and other days they couldnt go out without me there, not really fair on them.
So would someone else tolerate that? Also, I really want to end my life just to stop myself thinking about the pain my dad is in!

As well as that, I find it difficult to be sociable, and I really do have NO friends, I only have acquaintances. These are from my drama, karate and Asperger's support group. Most of the drama people don't talk to me
at all. A couple there are quite nice to me. I have seen those people outside of their groups, but only on rare occasions (e.g my birthday party). So ow can I call them real friends?
Outside of drama, karate and Asperger's Support Group, I bet they don't give me a single thought. And you can bet on your life they won't be at my funeral.

I don't even follow fashion like the other teenagers. I just want to be myself and enjoy life, rather than follow the sheep. I don't
have the latest games consoles or anything like that. I feel other teenages all have a DS and a PSP and I only have a stupid Game Boy.
I occasionally listen to radio stations and watch TV shows that a normal teenage boy wouldn't tolerate. I generally enjoy things that
normal boys my age would barely tolerate. And DON'T enjoy things that normal teenage boys would like, such as sport.
Worst of all, I have to live a complete lie cos I don't want anyone knowing I'm autistic.

I have NOTHING to do when I am at home, I sit on my computer doing f*** all every day. That makes my life really boring and not worth living.

My college homework is getting on top of me, I do English and Maths and have TONS of homework for both,it's really stresing me out, I hate college and all the other s**t going on
makes it difficult for me to face doing work. Last time I went to Maths I coldn't pay attention at all, made a total fool of myself
and used tiredness as an excuse.

The nearest I've got to a positive reason to live is I do DJing and KJing (karaoke jockeying) as a hobby. Even that causes me problems
because I have been doing it just for friends, and my dad wants me to be known to strangers as if I am a professional DJ. I am
frightened of having random strangers calling me because I'm still amateur, for reasons such as not knowing what types of theme nights
I can or can't do, and not knowing whether I can do parties for young people as well as old people.

That's all I have to say.
I hope you can relate to stuff in this letter, please reply if you have read this.

Cognitive_Canine · 11-07-2009, 12:18 PM

I believe from reading this that you are suicidal. I have been the same way; flashes of killing myself. I even went as far as to have a plan. But, mostly, it was just random thoughts. Impulses to pull into oncoming traffic. Images of shooting myself. I was worried about the pain though.

I think you need to talk to your dad about this. If he doesn't give you any support, talk to your support group or visit the counselling office of your college. It will be better.

KG · 11-07-2009, 01:13 PM

It sounds as if you are struggling with a number of things in your life, but you point out the activities you enjoy, and your hobby. I believe you are depressed, but not suicidal.
Perhaps get counseling, it's helped me in the past.

hexaemeron · 11-10-2009, 10:57 AM

Hey,

I understand all too well a lot of what you're going through. I myself grew up homosexual, aspergian (Diagnosed at 28 ) in a very conservative, backward place where I never, ever fit in and between the ages of 18 and 20, I tried to kill myself twice.

Please don't. I realize that in the moment, right now, it seems like the only answer. That's what I thought too. I was tired of never feeling at ease with everyone else. I wanted to just BE like everyone else and understand so much why they were the way they were. I just wanted all the pain to stop.

I'm 30 years old today and 10 years out from my last attempt at suicide or a suicidal thought. My life couldn't be more different now. But I had to take responsibility for my life and my choices. I had to make my life into one I wanted to live. And, for me, that required moving all the way across the country to San Francisco and finding my place. I'm independent, thriving, in a four year relationship and I know that even though life is hard, every day, I can handle it.

And so can you. Be brave. Be bold. Be yourself. And the hell with normal.

11-07-2009, 12:09 PM	#1
IndieLover Offline Member Join Date: Sep 2008 Posts: 29	I think I'm suicidal, but I'm not sure. Hello ENA: This is a long letter that has taken me ages to write, so I hope I get at least 10 answers. Basically I am uncertian whether or not I am suicidal. Sometimes I feel really bad and am just desperate for a painless method to kill myself, and other times when I have been doing enjoyable things, I feel fine and forget about everything. But on the general scheme of things, I believe I am suicidal. My soul is already dead, I just need my body to catch up now. I have thought about how to kill myself and I can't think of a method - my dad is with me all the time which makes it difficult to actually end my life - but maybe that's a good thing. All I can visualise is jumping out of my bedroom window while he is asleep. I am feeling like this for a large number of reasons. The main one is that, to cut a long story short, my dad's likely to lose his girlfriend, he is so upset, but there's more than just that. I don't go to school, my dad doesn't go to work. SO either of us have real friends. I feel that the end of this relatinship is the end of our lives. And I feel it's unlikely for him to find someone else, because of me - I am autistic and need to be looked after, meaning that my dad and his gf could only go out on their own 2 days a week when I was with my mum, and other days they couldnt go out without me there, not really fair on them. So would someone else tolerate that? Also, I really want to end my life just to stop myself thinking about the pain my dad is in! As well as that, I find it difficult to be sociable, and I really do have NO friends, I only have acquaintances. These are from my drama, karate and Asperger's support group. Most of the drama people don't talk to me at all. A couple there are quite nice to me. I have seen those people outside of their groups, but only on rare occasions (e.g my birthday party). So ow can I call them real friends? Outside of drama, karate and Asperger's Support Group, I bet they don't give me a single thought. And you can bet on your life they won't be at my funeral. I don't even follow fashion like the other teenagers. I just want to be myself and enjoy life, rather than follow the sheep. I don't have the latest games consoles or anything like that. I feel other teenages all have a DS and a PSP and I only have a stupid Game Boy. I occasionally listen to radio stations and watch TV shows that a normal teenage boy wouldn't tolerate. I generally enjoy things that normal boys my age would barely tolerate. And DON'T enjoy things that normal teenage boys would like, such as sport. Worst of all, I have to live a complete lie cos I don't want anyone knowing I'm autistic. I have NOTHING to do when I am at home, I sit on my computer doing f* all every day. That makes my life really boring and not worth living. My college homework is getting on top of me, I do English and Maths and have TONS of homework for both,it's really stresing me out, I hate college and all the other st going on makes it difficult for me to face doing work. Last time I went to Maths I coldn't pay attention at all, made a total fool of myself and used tiredness as an excuse. The nearest I've got to a positive reason to live is I do DJing and KJing (karaoke jockeying) as a hobby. Even that causes me problems because I have been doing it just for friends, and my dad wants me to be known to strangers as if I am a professional DJ. I am frightened of having random strangers calling me because I'm still amateur, for reasons such as not knowing what types of theme nights I can or can't do, and not knowing whether I can do parties for young people as well as old people. That's all I have to say. I hope you can relate to stuff in this letter, please reply if you have read this.

11-07-2009, 01:13 PM	#3
KG Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: 2 miles east of Hicksville Gender: Male Posts: 4,902	It sounds as if you are struggling with a number of things in your life, but you point out the activities you enjoy, and your hobby. I believe you are depressed, but not suicidal. Perhaps get counseling, it's helped me in the past. __________________ Life is just a word until you go through it. I've got the scars to prove it.

11-10-2009, 10:57 AM	#4
hexaemeron Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: San Francisco, CA, USA Gender: Male Age: 30 Posts: 2,145	Hey, I understand all too well a lot of what you're going through. I myself grew up homosexual, aspergian (Diagnosed at 28 ) in a very conservative, backward place where I never, ever fit in and between the ages of 18 and 20, I tried to kill myself twice. Please don't. I realize that in the moment, right now, it seems like the only answer. That's what I thought too. I was tired of never feeling at ease with everyone else. I wanted to just BE like everyone else and understand so much why they were the way they were. I just wanted all the pain to stop. I'm 30 years old today and 10 years out from my last attempt at suicide or a suicidal thought. My life couldn't be more different now. But I had to take responsibility for my life and my choices. I had to make my life into one I wanted to live. And, for me, that required moving all the way across the country to San Francisco and finding my place. I'm independent, thriving, in a four year relationship and I know that even though life is hard, every day, I can handle it. And so can you. Be brave. Be bold. Be yourself. And the hell with normal. __________________ Its like pounding her clitoris with a 30 lb hammer. She's insane. ----Odwallajuice on his girlfriend abusing her junk. Last edited by hexaemeron; 11-10-2009 at 11:29 AM.

11-07-2009, 12:18 PM	#2
Cognitive_Canine Online Platinum Member Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Somewhere over the rainbow Gender: Female Posts: 11,326	I believe from reading this that you are suicidal. I have been the same way; flashes of killing myself. I even went as far as to have a plan. But, mostly, it was just random thoughts. Impulses to pull into oncoming traffic. Images of shooting myself. I was worried about the pain though. I think you need to talk to your dad about this. If he doesn't give you any support, talk to your support group or visit the counselling office of your college. It will be better.