How to move on...?

amyb · 11-07-2009, 11:23 AM

I broke up with my ex almost a year and a half ago. We broke up because of distance, it was a friendly break-up and we agreed to remain friends. We keep in touch once in a while and we are friends on facebook so I see some of the stuff going on in his life.
Although we decided we should move on since we can't be together due to distance, I can't get over him. I've met other guys, but I haven't been able to develop the feelings I have for my ex for someone else. I feel like I could never love anyone else so much. I even got back together for a little while with a guy from my past (before my ex), who I really thought I was in love with the first time around, but this time I didn't feel much for him.
The thing that hurts the most is that my ex is with someone else now (they have been together a few months) and it seems to be a pretty serious relationship and they seem very happy together. I feel awful that he has been able to get over me and move on and feel so strongly for someone else, and I can't. I feel like I have no feelings left.
I know I have no right to be a part of his life anymore, I don't want to interfere in his life or anything, but I just CANT get over him! What can I do to make the pain go away and move on???
Some will say no contact is the best way to get over someone, but I can't do that. He has been a part of my life for so many years that I can't lose him completely, I would rather still be his friend than nothing at all.

Guy RN · 11-07-2009, 11:35 AM

Hi Amy.

Thanks for your post. I think that there are several things here to think about.

First, it has been said (and I have found it true in my life) that it takes 1.5 times the length of the relationship to truly "get over" somebody. For example, if you are in a relationship with someone for 1 year, then it may take up to a year and a half after the breakup to begin to feel healed.

Secondly, I firmly believe that once you have gotten that deep emotionally with someone, it's REALLY hard to go back to being "just friends." It's almost as if you have an acquaintance at work that you just nod to in the hallway every once in a while and then you go to lunch with that person, you aren't going to back the relationship up to the "nodding in the hallway" phase. I hope that makes sense.

Thirdly, what do YOU need? What do you honestly need here? I'm sorry, sweetie, but it looks like Ex has moved on. So given that, how are YOU going to move on? You are all that matters here. He is in the past. I honestly think that the Facebook thing is killing you. And I don't see anything wrong with defriending him on Facebook. If you want, send him a brief note saying that you've done it to move on in your life and he still has your email and phone number. If he's a good friend, he'll care enough to understand. If he is a jerk about it, then to hell with him. There are PLENTY of fish in the pond.

Take care of yourself, and do what you know you need to do for YOU.

roxana · 11-07-2009, 12:24 PM

I ve been going through the same thing...just felt is getting better with time,because when i talk to him it makes me cry for all the illusions i made myself,.my ex is moving next year suposely,not with me ,just closer...He told me we may see each other again one day,but not now,he made me many illusions,i was feeling like i was going die,i thought he was the love of my life.I gave i all but did not receive anything back...I do like someonelse right now and take it slow ,but believe me do not try to look up his page,it will hurt you more,it did me,the gelosy killed me,and we still cannot speak honest wheter we are seeing other peoples.May i ask ,how does he feel for you? Did you ask him?

Ms Darcy · 11-07-2009, 12:29 PM

I think you very clearly need to define why exactly you are unable to get over him. That's your first step to following Guy's advice above and figuring out what you need.

He represents things that you don't have in your life and you need to recognize what those things are.

roxana · 11-07-2009, 12:33 PM

Did you broke up with him or he ended the relationship? In my case he ended but i did not want it to end.

11-07-2009, 11:23 AM	#1
amyb Offline Member Join Date: Jul 2007 Posts: 28	How to move on...? I broke up with my ex almost a year and a half ago. We broke up because of distance, it was a friendly break-up and we agreed to remain friends. We keep in touch once in a while and we are friends on facebook so I see some of the stuff going on in his life. Although we decided we should move on since we can't be together due to distance, I can't get over him. I've met other guys, but I haven't been able to develop the feelings I have for my ex for someone else. I feel like I could never love anyone else so much. I even got back together for a little while with a guy from my past (before my ex), who I really thought I was in love with the first time around, but this time I didn't feel much for him. The thing that hurts the most is that my ex is with someone else now (they have been together a few months) and it seems to be a pretty serious relationship and they seem very happy together. I feel awful that he has been able to get over me and move on and feel so strongly for someone else, and I can't. I feel like I have no feelings left. I know I have no right to be a part of his life anymore, I don't want to interfere in his life or anything, but I just CANT get over him! What can I do to make the pain go away and move on??? Some will say no contact is the best way to get over someone, but I can't do that. He has been a part of my life for so many years that I can't lose him completely, I would rather still be his friend than nothing at all.

11-07-2009, 11:35 AM	#2
Guy RN Offline Member Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Columbia, MO Gender: Male Age: 36 Posts: 18	Hi Amy. Thanks for your post. I think that there are several things here to think about. First, it has been said (and I have found it true in my life) that it takes 1.5 times the length of the relationship to truly "get over" somebody. For example, if you are in a relationship with someone for 1 year, then it may take up to a year and a half after the breakup to begin to feel healed. Secondly, I firmly believe that once you have gotten that deep emotionally with someone, it's REALLY hard to go back to being "just friends." It's almost as if you have an acquaintance at work that you just nod to in the hallway every once in a while and then you go to lunch with that person, you aren't going to back the relationship up to the "nodding in the hallway" phase. I hope that makes sense. Thirdly, what do YOU need? What do you honestly need here? I'm sorry, sweetie, but it looks like Ex has moved on. So given that, how are YOU going to move on? You are all that matters here. He is in the past. I honestly think that the Facebook thing is killing you. And I don't see anything wrong with defriending him on Facebook. If you want, send him a brief note saying that you've done it to move on in your life and he still has your email and phone number. If he's a good friend, he'll care enough to understand. If he is a jerk about it, then to hell with him. There are PLENTY of fish in the pond. Take care of yourself, and do what you know you need to do for YOU.

11-07-2009, 12:24 PM	#3
roxana Online Member Join Date: Mar 2009 Posts: 32	I ve been going through the same thing...just felt is getting better with time,because when i talk to him it makes me cry for all the illusions i made myself,.my ex is moving next year suposely,not with me ,just closer...He told me we may see each other again one day,but not now,he made me many illusions,i was feeling like i was going die,i thought he was the love of my life.I gave i all but did not receive anything back...I do like someonelse right now and take it slow ,but believe me do not try to look up his page,it will hurt you more,it did me,the gelosy killed me,and we still cannot speak honest wheter we are seeing other peoples.May i ask ,how does he feel for you? Did you ask him?

11-07-2009, 12:29 PM	#4
Ms Darcy Online Platinum Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: United States Gender: Female Age: 28 Posts: 2,078	I think you very clearly need to define why exactly you are unable to get over him. That's your first step to following Guy's advice above and figuring out what you need. He represents things that you don't have in your life and you need to recognize what those things are.

11-07-2009, 12:33 PM	#5
roxana Online Member Join Date: Mar 2009 Posts: 32	Did you broke up with him or he ended the relationship? In my case he ended but i did not want it to end.