TELL ME...why is he being so pedantic, childish & unreasonable?!

android12 · 11-07-2009, 09:32 AM

ok, so we just had an argument and here it is in a nutshell...

he came over.we chilled.joked.laughed.decided we wanted to put the tent up in the back since it was warm, since we've done it once, and sleep there tonight. last time we just laid out some blankets cos my camping mattress popped but i woke up with a sore back. i told him i didnt just want blankets since i got work in the morning and he joked it off, that i was being a girl, and i can have his share of the blankets for more cushioning. i told him i was getting the tent from inside while he waited outside and spoke to my brother. he asked me not to bring anything else that we didnt use last time we camped (he has this thing against using other peoples stuff because he doesnt want it to be used against him if something happens etc).i said yes. while pulling the tent out i found a single blow out bed, and thought i might use it so it wont hurt my back. i brought it out. then he kept saying, no we arent going to use it. i said it was for me not him. he kept saying no, it wont fit, no this, no that, then just no. this pissed me off. how dare he make decisions for me, especially when its MY back! so i said i was putting everything back. he asked when we were doing then, and i said just chilling for a bit before he left. i came back out, and it began...

he was * * * * ty at me because he told me not to bring anything out that we didnt use before, and i went against what he said and brought it out anyway. he sees it as my defying what we agreed on. my side is that i agreed i wouldnt bring anything out but i didnt know we still had the mattress and when i saw it i just thought, hey this would be good for me, and he didnt have to use it. no way did i try to force it on him. he thinks, no, i shouldnt use the mattress cos then when i have a fight with my brother he will use it against me and say something like "you both used it" etc when my bf didnt use it etc. i dont like that he feels so controlling over me that i have to do everything he says, and that i should sacrifice my back for him to have what he wants. then when i wanted to discuss it, when he wasnt getting the answers he wanted he was just like "are you going to answer my question" but he never answered one of mine so i asked him if he was going to answer mine first and then he said something like "let me know when you are ready to communicate" and every thing i said after that we was just talk over me like a child going "la la la la la la". i tried getting stuff out of him but he kept doing it. then he asked me if i was ready to communicate so i asked him if he was, and he started the "la la las" again. eventually i asked him about how much he cared about our relationship and he sorta just laughed and kept going. so i said goodnight and he got in the car and took off.

i dont think its fair that i have to be the one to be like "oh baby im sorry i was wrong, i DID agree not to bring out something and i did, and i shouldnt have just cancelled the camping thing without asking you first". i want him to know that im serious and i dont want to be pushed around and he cant control me and expect me to do everything he wants. i dont see any harm with bringing that extra thing out for me, im not forcing him to use it!

im sorry this is long. i just really need as many opinions as possible. i feel like i need to do something to stop this controlling thing he is starting to use on me because if i dont do it now, he will keep thinking that he can get away with it for the rest of our relationship. any ideas, suggestions, opinions would help. any ideas on how to mend this, and let him see my side too.

its like if 2 people were painting the ceiling, one was 6ft the other 5ft, and the 6ft person said please get the paint and brushes and nothing else, and the 5ft person gets a ladder to help make painting the ceiling easier. how is that a big issue?!?! it doesnt effect the 6ft person AT ALL! the 6ft person just doesnt like that the 5ft person didnt listen to him!!!

Greedy Toad · 11-07-2009, 09:35 AM

Camping in your backyard when the house is righ tthere.

Ok fair enough.

He probably felt that camping was the domain of the man and that he could organise and instruct the setting up of the tent and what was going to go in it etc.

Other than that, yeah he acted like a baby. Don't apologise for doing nothing wrong.

thebluest · 11-07-2009, 09:44 AM

It sounds like your boyfriend values self-sufficiency - he doesn't want to borrow things from someone else, instead making do with what he has - even at your expense. It's a matter of principle for him, one that you both agreed with. It's not a big deal for you but if you try to see it from his point of view you might be able to come to a better consensus.

I'm not defending his childish reactions after this happened - he should have talked about it instead of blocking out what you were saying and driving away, and even then could have been more gentlemanly about it. Perhaps he felt like you weren't trying to listen to what he felt.

Maybe text him, or phone him if you can get in touch with him. Telling him that you want to listen to why he was so upset, and if he can explain why it is so upsetting to him because you did it thinking it was only a minor thing.

PS > It was totally great weather tonight to camp out though, assuming that you were in the Sydney-area where it's still muggy and hot at the moment.

Greedy Toad · 11-07-2009, 09:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by thebluest

It sounds like your boyfriend values self-sufficiency - he doesn't want to borrow things from someone else, instead making do with what he has - even at your expense. It's a matter of principle for him, one that you both agreed with. It's not a big deal for you but if you try to see it from his point of view you might be able to come to a better consensus.

I'm not defending his childish reactions after this happened - he should have talked about it instead of blocking out what you were saying and driving away, and even then could have been more gentlemanly about it. Perhaps he felt like you weren't trying to listen to what he felt.

Maybe text him, or phone him if you can get in touch with him. Telling him that you want to listen to why he was so upset, and if he can explain why it is so upsetting to him because you did it thinking it was only a minor thing.

PS > It was totally great weather tonight to camp out though, assuming that you were in the Sydney-area where it's still muggy and hot at the moment.

Melb is perfect weather too!!!

nutbrownhare · 11-07-2009, 09:48 AM

The bit I really don't get about all this is that you've got a potential back problem yet chose to sleep in a tent with a risk of aggravating it ... but hey ...

It sounds as though what's really going on here is a battle of wills; with people who really need to be in control, there's nothing you can do to change it. If you often find your arguments about minor things escalating into questioning your whole relationship, then you need to ask yourself if this is the sort of relationship you want.

Chances are, he doesn't want to see your side of things - from your post, you were perfectly clear about why you were getting the mattress - as this would mean he would have to compromise, which he would see as weakness. It's got nothing to do with whether it's correct or otherwise, it's all about dominating and feeling in control. Either you give in to him, or you're going to be in for a lot of conflict.

Again, you need to ask yourself if this is the kind of relationship you want to be in.

android12 · 11-07-2009, 10:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by thebluest

It sounds like your boyfriend values self-sufficiency - he doesn't want to borrow things from someone else, instead making do with what he has - even at your expense. It's a matter of principle for him, one that you both agreed with. It's not a big deal for you but if you try to see it from his point of view you might be able to come to a better consensus.

I'm not defending his childish reactions after this happened - he should have talked about it instead of blocking out what you were saying and driving away, and even then could have been more gentlemanly about it. Perhaps he felt like you weren't trying to listen to what he felt.

Maybe text him, or phone him if you can get in touch with him. Telling him that you want to listen to why he was so upset, and if he can explain why it is so upsetting to him because you did it thinking it was only a minor thing.

PS > It was totally great weather tonight to camp out though, assuming that you were in the Sydney-area where it's still muggy and hot at the moment.

i think the problem is that he can ONLY see his point of view. i can understand his but he wont understand mine. he just sees it as, we had an agreement and i went out of my way to break it. which i didnt! i just happened to find it and brought it along. i didnt see any harm. but i know he wants this apology for breaking the agreement, but im sick of being the one to always give in and apologise first! he never sees what he did was wrong...just what i did.

he didnt care about me bringing the stuff out, he didnt wanna come in. he was just pissed at me for breaking the "agreement". everything with him is like a verbal contract. i hate that! i should be allowed to do what i like...in this case my actions didnt effect him in how he slept, just that it MIGHT later on be used against him.

im in melb and its so lovely outside! ^_^

android12 · 11-07-2009, 10:04 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nutbrownhare

The bit I really don't get about all this is that you've got a potential back problem yet chose to sleep in a tent with a risk of aggravating it ... but hey ...

It sounds as though what's really going on here is a battle of wills; with people who really need to be in control, there's nothing you can do to change it. If you often find your arguments about minor things escalating into questioning your whole relationship, then you need to ask yourself if this is the sort of relationship you want.

Chances are, he doesn't want to see your side of things - from your post, you were perfectly clear about why you were getting the mattress - as this would mean he would have to compromise, which he would see as weakness. It's got nothing to do with whether it's correct or otherwise, it's all about dominating and feeling in control. Either you give in to him, or you're going to be in for a lot of conflict.

Again, you need to ask yourself if this is the kind of relationship you want to be in.

just to clarify a misunderstanding. no i dont have a back problem, but if you had to choose to sleep on a mattress or 2 blankets im sure you would have gone for the mattress like me! :P

i agree with what ur saying. a battle of wills. i used to be quite stubborn but learnt not to be as much. there is no point. be he is. and what gets to me is he feels like he can control me whenever he wants. im always the peace keeper. the mend the arguments. appologise first. i just feel im always giving and he takes. when i went to get a mattress is was just for me to be more comfortable. seemingly he cant give a little and just let me have it. his pride and self-reliant image gets in the way. he puts his pride over me

thebluest · 11-07-2009, 10:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by android12

i think the problem is that he can ONLY see his point of view. i can understand his but he wont understand mine. he just sees it as, we had an agreement and i went out of my way to break it. which i didnt! i just happened to find it and brought it along. i didnt see any harm. but i know he wants this apology for breaking the agreement, but im sick of being the one to always give in and apologise first! he never sees what he did was wrong...just what i did.

he didnt care about me bringing the stuff out, he didnt wanna come in. he was just pissed at me for breaking the "agreement". everything with him is like a verbal contract. i hate that! i should be allowed to do what i like...in this case my actions didnt effect him in how he slept, just that it MIGHT later on be used against him.

im in melb and its so lovely outside! ^_^

My boyfriend has some unusual things that upset him (unusual to me, but note: not unreasonable) and he ends up accusing me of hurting his feelings when I did something with no such intention. I get surprised by these conflicts that get generated out of nothing substantial, and sometimes I feel exactly how you feel - that he's controlling, demanding and unfair. And surprise - he does the same to me and the same thing happens, just vice versa.

Firstly, I always feel like I have to apologise and I resent feeling that way, a lot. Sometimes, I find that us females tend to want to apologise for everything, just to keep the peace. That's just bull* * * * , and I mentally remind myself that it's not about apologising, sweeping things under the mat and pretending all is cheery. Apologise only when it fixes something, otherwise, apologies are useless.

Secondly, you know him better than any of us faceless posters here, and if you can't empathise and see how his reactions are reasonable by standing in his shoes, then you have all right to assert that you were right, he was unreasonable, and march off into the sunset.

People (let's say men more often than not) don't always consider other people's needs and try to incorporate them with their own wants and needs. If this is something that's important to you - the comfort of a mattress - and you think he should make allowance for that then by all means press your case. 'My comfort sleeping out here is important to me, and I want you to consider that against your reasons for not wanting to use this mattress.'

android12 · 11-07-2009, 10:45 AM

thanks so much guys! especially thebluest. uve all been helpful. i called him to try and mend things. appologised for breaking the agreement, and thats it. it was all about the principle of breaking the agreement. i think in the future when he asks me things like "dont bring anything out except what we used last time ok?" ill really think about what -I- want and say "actually, no i would like some extra cushioning for my back so i might get some extra stuff, maybe a mattress, that ok? then that way im not breaking any "agreements" we have.

Maya_A · 11-07-2009, 11:00 AM

Well, I may be the only one to say this but I think this is 1000% on your bf & that he was acting like a total, controlling jerk of a person.

What the h*ll is all this "you broke the agreement"... Agreement? It was supposed to just be a fun, light-hearted thing for crying out loud. Where do staunch agreements fit here. And this "agreement" was more like "my way or the "highway" - him alone laying down the law & you expected to fall in line & comply to the "T".

If you thought the mattress would help your back, what's the issue? I couldn't agree with you more-- it is YOUR back & your freedom in your life to do as you would feel most comfortable. IMHO a caring partner would be more concerned about their sig. other feeling good & comfortable than whether they followed the rules dictated.

And you did not even need to explain to him why you got the mattress beyond that you were trying to avoid a sore back like last time (i.e. I didn't see the mattress at first & then I thought etc.)

Yes, he was behaving like a huuuge child emotionally, all the way through. And an uncaring, un-compassionate, inappropriately controlling partner.

If these episodes are few & far between, perhaps it can get portrayed to him that he needs to work on this & he'd be willing to. If he they happen frequently, & he is the type not to listen when you speak on it or to think you are always the one with the problem, do you really want to have this type of thing in your life often?

11-07-2009, 09:32 AM	#1
android12 Offline Member Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Australia Gender: Female Age: 22 Posts: 348	TELL ME...why is he being so pedantic, childish & unreasonable?! ok, so we just had an argument and here it is in a nutshell... he came over.we chilled.joked.laughed.decided we wanted to put the tent up in the back since it was warm, since we've done it once, and sleep there tonight. last time we just laid out some blankets cos my camping mattress popped but i woke up with a sore back. i told him i didnt just want blankets since i got work in the morning and he joked it off, that i was being a girl, and i can have his share of the blankets for more cushioning. i told him i was getting the tent from inside while he waited outside and spoke to my brother. he asked me not to bring anything else that we didnt use last time we camped (he has this thing against using other peoples stuff because he doesnt want it to be used against him if something happens etc).i said yes. while pulling the tent out i found a single blow out bed, and thought i might use it so it wont hurt my back. i brought it out. then he kept saying, no we arent going to use it. i said it was for me not him. he kept saying no, it wont fit, no this, no that, then just no. this pissed me off. how dare he make decisions for me, especially when its MY back! so i said i was putting everything back. he asked when we were doing then, and i said just chilling for a bit before he left. i came back out, and it began... he was * * * * ty at me because he told me not to bring anything out that we didnt use before, and i went against what he said and brought it out anyway. he sees it as my defying what we agreed on. my side is that i agreed i wouldnt bring anything out but i didnt know we still had the mattress and when i saw it i just thought, hey this would be good for me, and he didnt have to use it. no way did i try to force it on him. he thinks, no, i shouldnt use the mattress cos then when i have a fight with my brother he will use it against me and say something like "you both used it" etc when my bf didnt use it etc. i dont like that he feels so controlling over me that i have to do everything he says, and that i should sacrifice my back for him to have what he wants. then when i wanted to discuss it, when he wasnt getting the answers he wanted he was just like "are you going to answer my question" but he never answered one of mine so i asked him if he was going to answer mine first and then he said something like "let me know when you are ready to communicate" and every thing i said after that we was just talk over me like a child going "la la la la la la". i tried getting stuff out of him but he kept doing it. then he asked me if i was ready to communicate so i asked him if he was, and he started the "la la las" again. eventually i asked him about how much he cared about our relationship and he sorta just laughed and kept going. so i said goodnight and he got in the car and took off. i dont think its fair that i have to be the one to be like "oh baby im sorry i was wrong, i DID agree not to bring out something and i did, and i shouldnt have just cancelled the camping thing without asking you first". i want him to know that im serious and i dont want to be pushed around and he cant control me and expect me to do everything he wants. i dont see any harm with bringing that extra thing out for me, im not forcing him to use it! im sorry this is long. i just really need as many opinions as possible. i feel like i need to do something to stop this controlling thing he is starting to use on me because if i dont do it now, he will keep thinking that he can get away with it for the rest of our relationship. any ideas, suggestions, opinions would help. any ideas on how to mend this, and let him see my side too. its like if 2 people were painting the ceiling, one was 6ft the other 5ft, and the 6ft person said please get the paint and brushes and nothing else, and the 5ft person gets a ladder to help make painting the ceiling easier. how is that a big issue?!?! it doesnt effect the 6ft person AT ALL! the 6ft person just doesnt like that the 5ft person didnt listen to him!!!

11-07-2009, 09:35 AM	#2
Greedy Toad Offline Gold Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: Melbourne Posts: 504	Camping in your backyard when the house is righ tthere. Ok fair enough. He probably felt that camping was the domain of the man and that he could organise and instruct the setting up of the tent and what was going to go in it etc. Other than that, yeah he acted like a baby. Don't apologise for doing nothing wrong. __________________ The road to hell is paved with good intentions

11-07-2009, 09:44 AM	#3
thebluest Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: Australia Gender: Female Age: 22 Posts: 189	It sounds like your boyfriend values self-sufficiency - he doesn't want to borrow things from someone else, instead making do with what he has - even at your expense. It's a matter of principle for him, one that you both agreed with. It's not a big deal for you but if you try to see it from his point of view you might be able to come to a better consensus. I'm not defending his childish reactions after this happened - he should have talked about it instead of blocking out what you were saying and driving away, and even then could have been more gentlemanly about it. Perhaps he felt like you weren't trying to listen to what he felt. Maybe text him, or phone him if you can get in touch with him. Telling him that you want to listen to why he was so upset, and if he can explain why it is so upsetting to him because you did it thinking it was only a minor thing. PS > It was totally great weather tonight to camp out though, assuming that you were in the Sydney-area where it's still muggy and hot at the moment. __________________ "People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within." - Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

11-07-2009, 09:48 AM	#5
nutbrownhare Offline Platinum Member Join Date: May 2008 Gender: None Specified Posts: 1,191	The bit I really don't get about all this is that you've got a potential back problem yet chose to sleep in a tent with a risk of aggravating it ... but hey ... It sounds as though what's really going on here is a battle of wills; with people who really need to be in control, there's nothing you can do to change it. If you often find your arguments about minor things escalating into questioning your whole relationship, then you need to ask yourself if this is the sort of relationship you want. Chances are, he doesn't want to see your side of things - from your post, you were perfectly clear about why you were getting the mattress - as this would mean he would have to compromise, which he would see as weakness. It's got nothing to do with whether it's correct or otherwise, it's all about dominating and feeling in control. Either you give in to him, or you're going to be in for a lot of conflict. Again, you need to ask yourself if this is the kind of relationship you want to be in.

11-07-2009, 10:45 AM	#9
android12 Offline Member Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Australia Gender: Female Age: 22 Posts: 348	thanks so much guys! especially thebluest. uve all been helpful. i called him to try and mend things. appologised for breaking the agreement, and thats it. it was all about the principle of breaking the agreement. i think in the future when he asks me things like "dont bring anything out except what we used last time ok?" ill really think about what -I- want and say "actually, no i would like some extra cushioning for my back so i might get some extra stuff, maybe a mattress, that ok? then that way im not breaking any "agreements" we have.

11-07-2009, 11:00 AM	#10
Maya_A Offline Gold Member Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: Ontario_Canada Gender: Female Posts: 749	Well, I may be the only one to say this but I think this is 1000% on your bf & that he was acting like a total, controlling jerk of a person. What the h*ll is all this "you broke the agreement"... Agreement? It was supposed to just be a fun, light-hearted thing for crying out loud. Where do staunch agreements fit here. And this "agreement" was more like "my way or the "highway" - him alone laying down the law & you expected to fall in line & comply to the "T". If you thought the mattress would help your back, what's the issue? I couldn't agree with you more-- it is YOUR back & your freedom in your life to do as you would feel most comfortable. IMHO a caring partner would be more concerned about their sig. other feeling good & comfortable than whether they followed the rules dictated. And you did not even need to explain to him why you got the mattress beyond that you were trying to avoid a sore back like last time (i.e. I didn't see the mattress at first & then I thought etc.) Yes, he was behaving like a huuuge child emotionally, all the way through. And an uncaring, un-compassionate, inappropriately controlling partner. If these episodes are few & far between, perhaps it can get portrayed to him that he needs to work on this & he'd be willing to. If he they happen frequently, & he is the type not to listen when you speak on it or to think you are always the one with the problem, do you really want to have this type of thing in your life often?