He won't let it go...

pupaloo · 11-07-2009, 08:27 AM

I had an affair about 10 years ago. and from what I read everywhere, it was pretty much "as the book says". He made promises to me that we would have a life together, blah,blah,blah. I ended it about 3 years into it and he could not accept it. He has tried to hang on to communication with me, etc. Still to this day he trys to contact me about 1 time a month. He says he is satisfied with just being able to call me and "check on me" and "see if I am okay" , he still loves me and won't let me go.etc.
At first I would tell him that I was over it, he had his chance to have a life with me and all that stuff. But I got to a point where I got talked out and I am just plain tired of him.

I don't want to resort to contacting the wife or kids as I know they are on social sites on the web, but what else can I do. I don't want my husband to contact him. I just want this guy to go away.
Anyone else ever dealt with this?
Why can't he just leave me alone and let what once was, die?

I don't want to cause a big uproar between others. because this all started initially between the guy and me and I just want it to end that way.

any advice?

MrWallFlower · 11-07-2009, 08:33 AM

Change your phone, change your e-mail, cut off all contact. If he still manages to find a way to contact you--DON'T RESPOND. How exactly does he get ahold of you and why is that door still open? It sounds like you still have hope that he'll have a life with you.

pupaloo · 11-07-2009, 08:38 AM

He contacts me thru my work phone number. I can never tell it is him that calls because we have a major phone system. I have hung up on him so many times. I am even right now conteplating leaving my job but it angers me to think that I would have to change my life to get him out of it, but then again I realize that I allowed it all to start. I like my job, and my life. and No I don't want him in it for any reason.

**avman** · 11-07-2009, 09:09 AM

If he's calling work and won't leave you alone you may have to use a restraining order to get it to stop. What's to say even if you left your job that he wouldn't start driving to your house and ringing the doorbell? I'm doing the math and it sounds like this guy has been at this for 7 years?

MrWallFlower · 11-07-2009, 09:41 AM

My next steps would be to, first tell his wife. That way she can deal with it instead of you. If that didn't work I'd get a restraining order. Only leave the job as a last resort (jobs are hard to come by now!)

HealingHandsWarmHeart · 11-07-2009, 10:55 AM

I'm with Avman- if he doesn't leave you alone then file a restraining order.

telling the wife won't do any good - i think it will only make things worse...

but know this...he does not love you, he is not missing you, he doesn't care about you or your feelings and he most definitely has some deep seeded issues.

He is looking for the rush the relationship gave him - put your foot down.. and start thinking about filing a restraining order - if anything you can quickly get a 2 week temporary restraining order which may send a message that you aren't playing around.

abouttime · 11-07-2009, 11:01 AM

The roots go deep don't they? 3 years is a long affair. I guess this is a consequence of your actions.

MrWallFlower · 11-07-2009, 11:22 AM

Healinghands: You don't think that his wife finding out won't put a stop to it? I imagine she would be all over him like white on rice once she found out. She definitely would be watching him like a hawk.

HealingHandsWarmHeart · 11-07-2009, 11:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MrWallFlower

Healinghands: You don't think that his wife finding out won't put a stop to it? I imagine she would be all over him like white on rice once she found out. She definitely would be watching him like a hawk.

nope- telling her will only cause more problems in the relationship - will make the home more stressful... which will make him fantasize about the OP more... which will make him want to reach out to her more.

Thats only my opinion - so don't beat me for saying that..

This guy needs a dose of reality ... a wake up call.. that his behavior is not wanted... and filing a restraining order after MANY requests to stop might be the wake up call he needs.

MrWallFlower · 11-07-2009, 12:08 PM

I would never "beat" some one for stating their opinion. We're all just giving our opinions. Anyway, about the restraining order. Likely, his wife would find out about his shenanigans when those documents are served on him. So, consider that when deciding what to do.

11-07-2009, 08:27 AM	#1
pupaloo Offline Join Date: Oct 2008 Posts: 2	He won't let it go... I had an affair about 10 years ago. and from what I read everywhere, it was pretty much "as the book says". He made promises to me that we would have a life together, blah,blah,blah. I ended it about 3 years into it and he could not accept it. He has tried to hang on to communication with me, etc. Still to this day he trys to contact me about 1 time a month. He says he is satisfied with just being able to call me and "check on me" and "see if I am okay" , he still loves me and won't let me go.etc. At first I would tell him that I was over it, he had his chance to have a life with me and all that stuff. But I got to a point where I got talked out and I am just plain tired of him. I don't want to resort to contacting the wife or kids as I know they are on social sites on the web, but what else can I do. I don't want my husband to contact him. I just want this guy to go away. Anyone else ever dealt with this? Why can't he just leave me alone and let what once was, die? I don't want to cause a big uproar between others. because this all started initially between the guy and me and I just want it to end that way. any advice?

11-07-2009, 09:09 AM	#4
avman Offline Administrator Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Minnesota Gender: Male Age: 42 Posts: 6,526	If he's calling work and won't leave you alone you may have to use a restraining order to get it to stop. What's to say even if you left your job that he wouldn't start driving to your house and ringing the doorbell? I'm doing the math and it sounds like this guy has been at this for 7 years? __________________ "Children are a wonderful gift . . . They have an extraordinary capacity to see into the heart of things and to expose sham and humbug for what they are." Desmond Tutu

11-07-2009, 10:55 AM	#6
HealingHandsWarmHeart Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: New Jersey Gender: Female Age: 37 Posts: 2,601	I'm with Avman- if he doesn't leave you alone then file a restraining order. telling the wife won't do any good - i think it will only make things worse... but know this...he does not love you, he is not missing you, he doesn't care about you or your feelings and he most definitely has some deep seeded issues. He is looking for the rush the relationship gave him - put your foot down.. and start thinking about filing a restraining order - if anything you can quickly get a 2 week temporary restraining order which may send a message that you aren't playing around. __________________ “Nobody can hurt me without my permission.” ~ Ghandi

11-07-2009, 08:33 AM	#2
MrWallFlower Offline Member Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Ohio, USA Gender: Male Age: 44 Posts: 46	Change your phone, change your e-mail, cut off all contact. If he still manages to find a way to contact you--DON'T RESPOND. How exactly does he get ahold of you and why is that door still open? It sounds like you still have hope that he'll have a life with you.

11-07-2009, 08:38 AM	#3
pupaloo Offline Join Date: Oct 2008 Posts: 2	He contacts me thru my work phone number. I can never tell it is him that calls because we have a major phone system. I have hung up on him so many times. I am even right now conteplating leaving my job but it angers me to think that I would have to change my life to get him out of it, but then again I realize that I allowed it all to start. I like my job, and my life. and No I don't want him in it for any reason.

11-07-2009, 09:41 AM	#5
MrWallFlower Offline Member Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Ohio, USA Gender: Male Age: 44 Posts: 46	My next steps would be to, first tell his wife. That way she can deal with it instead of you. If that didn't work I'd get a restraining order. Only leave the job as a last resort (jobs are hard to come by now!)

11-07-2009, 11:01 AM	#7
abouttime Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Dec 2008 Posts: 273	The roots go deep don't they? 3 years is a long affair. I guess this is a consequence of your actions.

11-07-2009, 11:22 AM	#8
MrWallFlower Offline Member Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Ohio, USA Gender: Male Age: 44 Posts: 46	Healinghands: You don't think that his wife finding out won't put a stop to it? I imagine she would be all over him like white on rice once she found out. She definitely would be watching him like a hawk.

11-07-2009, 12:08 PM	#10
MrWallFlower Offline Member Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Ohio, USA Gender: Male Age: 44 Posts: 46	I would never "beat" some one for stating their opinion. We're all just giving our opinions. Anyway, about the restraining order. Likely, his wife would find out about his shenanigans when those documents are served on him. So, consider that when deciding what to do.