Only Child "By Choice"?

[Batya33]

For those of you who have one child and have chosen not to have or adopt other children (or for anyone else who wants to chime in, including of course only children!) why did you make that choice? Did you have mainly supportive reactions from family/friends (or random strangers) for that choice? Were you at all surprised you made that choice if for example you always thought you'd have at least 2 or more children?

Background - I was pretty sure I'd want to have another child before and while I was pregnant. After I had the baby I had a very bad health scare which apparently was pregnancy related. Although I am fine now, if I got pregnant again there would be added painful treatments to insure that I would be ok during the pregnancy. At this point we are not interested in adoption.

Also, I am 43 and not really ready to have another baby (our son is under a year now). And, we totally lucked out with our son - he is just stupendous and we know that especially based on our ages we might not be so lucky next time. Obviously we would love the child no matter what, whether he had special needs or otherwise - but at any age you can have a very difficult child and despite loving that child to pieces well, it's hard, from what I see.

I have an older sibling who I love and cherish (well most of the time) and DH is an only child of "older" parents like us. He enjoyed being an only child but, as he says, had nothing to compare it to.

I am mostly comfortable with my decision not to have another one -- it is also my husband's decision and he is probably more comfortable with it than I am - but I find myself wanting others' input on this. I asked a close friend about her decision -- her child is now 17- and she was pretty nonchalant about how it was an easy decision based on their future plans. I am not finding it quite that easy.

Thanks and hope you're all having a good weekend.

[InBruges]

Due to your health, I'd say stay with one. Your health isn't only important to you, but your current child as well. It's important for you to still be kicking 20 years from now so I wouldn't take unnecessary risks.

I was an only child, although one time my dad got drunk and said I might have a half-sister in Korea. I always thought that would be awesome if that were true. But maybe I'd have a different view if I had grown up with siblings - rivalry and all.

[thebluest]

I have a younger sister, and I'm not at the stage where I'm having children or thinking of having children yet, so I can't comment on experience on either side. Many of my friends are only children though, some because they've immigrated here from China and the one child policy was in place. We can't choose who our family are, so it's the luck of the draw whether a child grows up hating their siblings or whether an only child feels like he or she is missing out.

In the end, you can only make a decision based on your current circumstances. I know we all want to be as informed as possible when making such important decisions, but there's only so much input that other people can give you and none of us are fortune tellers (as far as I'm aware!) so we don't know what decision will turn out to benefit your family most.

It's not an easy decision, but it's just one you have to leap into with the available factors you have at hand. Medical reasons and your age obviously feature quite prominently, and you and your husband's own experiences with having/not having siblings. The former suggests that you should be wary of having another child because health obviously comes first, and the latter suggests that opinions vary. What does that sum up to? Well, from my perspective, it looks like the reasons not to have another child outweigh the reasons to have another child. It may very well sum up differently for you.

[Batya33]

Thanks. Honestly, I didn't think of the part of increasing the risk of not being able to care for our son if pregnancy causes health issues (I guess because I had basically written off the idea just based on what I'd have to endure during a pregnancy) but that is an excelent point. Another factor is hearing that while new moms like me can't imagne having another one (well at least many) they change their minds once the baby is more of a toddler. By then it really might be too late for me age-wise to start trying.

I do know that while I might in the future have some regret if I don't it will be greatly overshadowed by how wonderful it is to have our son, so I am not too concerned about that.

Thanks again.

[iLoveMyBabyCairo]

I was an only child, my mom was 40 and my dad 43 when they adopted me. I honestly didn't mind it at all. There were times I was jealous of my best friend who had a big sister but overall, I had a good childhood. A minor downside was that my parents raised me out in the country, our nearest neighbor a mile or so away so I didn't have neighborhood kids to play with.. however, my mom enrolled me in plenty of play-groups and after-school activities to make me a sociable person.

Given your health scare, I would probably opt not to get pregnant again. Focus all of your love and attention on your one child and just continue to be the great mother that you are.

[Batya33]

Originally Posted by iLoveMyBabyCairo

I was an only child, my mom was 40 and my dad 43 when they adopted me. I honestly didn't mind it at all. There were times I was jealous of my best friend who had a big sister but overall, I had a good childhood. A minor downside was that my parents raised me out in the country, our nearest neighbor a mile or so away so I didn't have neighborhood kids to play with.. however, my mom enrolled me in plenty of play-groups and after-school activities to make me a sociable person.

Given your health scare, I would probably opt not to get pregnant again. Focus all of your love and attention on your one child and just continue to be the great mother that you are.

Thanks for sharing your story and for your kind thoughts! I did want to add, in response to a post here, that of course I am not asking for fortune telling or for anyone to make the decision for me. I happen to find others' insights and stories helpful in coming to my own decision and I think that's very typical, especially of those who post here asking for advice. Thanks again.
As far as jealousy I bet you had more hair/less spit ends than your friend (hair pulling being a common way that big sisters keep little sisters in line.....).

[thebluest]

Originally Posted by Batya33

I did want to add, in response to a post here, that of course I am not asking for fortune telling or for anyone to make the decision for me. I happen to find others' insights and stories helpful in coming to my own decision and I think that's very typical, especially of those who post here asking for advice. Thanks again.

Oh of course, I do find posters here offer insight and stories that really help me out too - I didn't mean to imply that I'm questioning your decision to post here, because I'm here for the same reason of seeking advice and hopefully giving some, so I hope that you haven't taken my post the wrong way!

My comments were along the line that some people hold very strong opinions on the different views that can be taken, because their own personal circumstances predisposes them to view something as more desirable. For instance, my mother was 40 when I was born and 44 when my sister was born, but in fact when I was 2 years old, my mother became pregnant again but chose to have an abortion at the time because she was very ill after my birth and medically, another pregnancy would be very risky for her. But when she became pregnant again, the 3 year old me at the time really wanted a baby brother or sister, so my mother decided that she'd take the risk just because silly little me wanted it.

I don't remember insisting for a sibling, but after learning what a terrible time my mother had with my sister's pregnancy, I feel a lot of regret that my thoughtless wishes were a primary reason why she decided against her better judgement to go through with it.

So because of this, I'm always predisposed to thinking that mothers should always take care of their health first. I love my younger sister, and I don't know if I would be the same person today without her, but any advice I'd give would be tainted by the fact that I have some residual regret for my innocent but contributory part.

[Cognitive_Canine]

I think that there are no right nor wrong number of children.

Overpopulation of the planet, education, attention, finances, and limited amount of time are all issues that would make me opt for one child.

Plus, when all your siblings/cousins/friends have children, you can be the awesome aunt.

[Batya33]

Originally Posted by thebluest

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I don't remember insisting for a sibling, but after learning what a terrible time my mother had with my sister's pregnancy, I feel a lot of regret that my thoughtless wishes were a primary reason why she decided against her better judgement to go through with it.

So because of this, I'm always predisposed to thinking that mothers should always take care of their health first. I love my younger sister, and I don't know if I would be the same person today without her, but any advice I'd give would be tainted by the fact that I have some residual regret for my innocent but contributory part.

Wow that is some story - I am so glad it worked out well for all of you! Thanks again for your help and insight.

[hersmudders]

My opinion is that if you have major health complications while pregnant, why would you put yourself through that when there'd be a possibility you wouldn't be there for your new child (if the child survived you) and your older son and your husband?

You say adoption isn't an option, but if you want another child but can't put your body through it, it'd only make sense to introduce that as an option. You'd keep your health, you'd still be there with your family, and you'd have a new child like you wanted. It's a win-win

May I ask why adoption isn't an option?