Trying to understand them moving so fast with the new

Rabbitrabbits · 11-07-2009, 06:56 AM

I posted another topic on the Getting Back Together section as that's where I found the solace of no contact (which is really helping me heal btw). But I've thinking how this section would be more suited as I just want to do what's best for me and see what happens. Of course it still hurts and I still have questions. So I'm posting just one question this time. It's not a multi-page labyrinth like the last one so don't worry

. (of course if you'd like to read the longer story and comment it'd be much appreciated)

My main question, for today at least, has been on my mind for the past few days. Logically I know I should just let it go and in the most part I have. But as I said the past few days I've relapsed a bit and have been reading a lot here and thinking a lot as well.

First a few paragraph explanation of my relationship:
A long story short is I was in a long distance relationship for 14 months with someone who was quite a bit older than me. I seem to be quite different from most my age (21) so most of the people I converse with are older too. It's not surprising therefore that my relationship would be the same. However the person I was in the LDR with told me about someone else around 6 weeks ago. This person is the same distance away from them(15,000km's), but a closer age (7 years older than her) I know long distance relationships have their problems but we talked on average of 1 and a half hours each day on skype along with lot's of emailing and text messaging. We shared and did lot's of things together so knowledge of this other person came out of the blue.

He emailed her about her blog around two months before and was quite complimentary. I don't know when the feelings started to develop. She told me when her time with him started to interfere with her time with me. She had only just this year opened up a new shop which was taking quite a lot of her time and putting her under stress. I was there for her and comforted during all this, but with the limited time she had, she still seemed to want to spend a majority with me. Even after she told me about her the new person she'd talk and do things like old times (with no certain activity of course)

When we first met she was still sad about her last break-up. It was a long distance relationship too and they were planning to live together after 5 years when her kid's had grown up. Anyway she flew over for a visit and he broke up with her. Two months after that break-up I started talking with her and she was still sad. But she mostly was getting over it and we started developing feelings for each other after a while. She told me about her hurt and how she put up layers around her heart so it wouldn't happen again. But after around 3-4 months of talking everyday she started to say I love you and become closer to me in the 11 months after that.

Maybe it's because of this that I can't understand why and how she's moving so fast with the new person. Just a week after she told me about them, she was telling me how she wants to spend the rest of her life with him and they were making plans for just that. I don't understand how one can go from wanting to protect yourself to progressing so quickly without slowing.

I always felt she was very mature and she seemed to be the sort of person who if there was a problem in a relationship say so and have it fixed. Were my old feelings of her maturity correct and has she found someone perfect for her in every way with no obvious flaws who she indeed will want to spend the rest of her days with. Or is this some sort of quasi rebound or something similar. I know it's not technically a rebound, but whenever I read about that in the posts I've read the biggest indicator seems to be taking it fast.

I'm keeping strong with no contact, even through they say they miss me, as I need to heal myself. I've made great strides so far, but as evidenced by this post I still fall back sometimes.

Again I know I can't get a 100% answer (unless you count time) but I'd appreciate those with further experience than me to help me understand. I just wonder a lot and ever since I've read here that relationship's that go so fast and so soon after a old one might not be as perfect forever forever as she thinks it will be.

Thank you everyone for any help, advise, solace or just general wisdom you can offer. I'm gleaning much from the posts here and posting highlights in a document to read when I'm down. But words posted specifically to you can sometimes be more potent and that's what I feel like now.

P.S. Apologies for apologising thrice. It just plays on my mind and I'm not sure why. It'll probably be gone in the next few days so thanks for answering my questions in the mean time

offplanet · 11-07-2009, 07:34 AM

Rabbit you seem to be holding onto the hope that her new relationship will fail and that she'll come back to you. Well, that could easily happen, but if she wants to take up where you left off, remember that she's likely to go off with someone else again at some stage. Are you willing to get re-involved with her only to get let down again? Think seriously about that, because you seem like you're quite willing and wanting to resume with her. Doing that would give her the message that she can keep you, and go off with another guy at any time, and you'll accept that.

You seem to have a lot more invested in the relationship than she does. Girls have it easier, because they get more offers online than guys do. I don't like to see you being in the position that she can come and go from you as she wishes, and get away with it because you don't want to lose her.

Do you ever chat with other females online? Or do you remain 'faithful' to her? Why don't you try getting to know someone else, rather than invest all your emotions in her? You sound like a very nice person.

Rabbitrabbits · 11-07-2009, 08:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by offplanet

Rabbit you seem to be holding onto the hope that her new relationship will fail and that she'll come back to you.

I suppose in my subconscious I hope that. I blame this site for giving me hope

Just kidding it's given me way more positive than negative. I'm improving myself for me and if I never get them back I'll be sad but get on with things. (some days I feel not as confident like the past few days but mostly I'm strong)

Quote:

Originally Posted by offplanet

Well, that could easily happen, but if she wants to take up where you left off, remember that she's likely to go off with someone else again at some stage.

If she were to ever come back I'm starting to have the willpower to not just blindly breakdown my defences like nothing happened. Something did. Yet to my detriment I believe it was because she was afraid of getting her heart hurt and didn't commit to me like I did to her. Of course how can I reconcile that with her actions with the new person. Yet in my heart of hearts I still believe if she were to come back and start afresh with some plans to make it work, then it could work. Of course a) she probably won't and b) probably wouldn't agree. c) Insert your own reason here

Quote:

Originally Posted by offplanet

Are you willing to get re-involved with her only to get let down again? Think seriously about that, because you seem like you're quite willing and wanting to resume with her. Doing that would give her the message that she can keep you, and go off with another guy at any time, and you'll accept that.

Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice........... errr. Well possibly shame on me, but I hope by committing to no contact I can show that I'm not that much of a pushover (as a side benefit as having power regained by NC is helping me improve things in my life and try and forge during most days)

Quote:

Originally Posted by offplanet

You seem to have a lot more invested in the relationship than she does. Girls have it easier, because they get more offers online than guys do.

I don't like to see you being in the position that she can come and go from you as she wishes, and get away with it because you don't want to lose her.

I always tend to see the best in people, but I don't think I would let the same thing happen over and over. I can't allow myself to be hurt at the expense of others.

Quote:

Originally Posted by offplanet

Do you ever chat with other females online? Or do you remain 'faithful' to her? Why don't you try getting to know someone else, rather than invest all your emotions in her? You sound like a very nice person.

I talk to other females but none romantically. Mainly people who've found my blog and talk about practically things. I.e. my photography, life, the universe and everything. If someone would have wanted to do anything crossing in the boundaries of romantic then I would have said no, to be faithful yes. As that's the way I am. Now I'm no longer with them I don't know. I think I still have to heal and learn from this and it wouldn't be fair to another to get their hopes up. That's if there's another opportunity in the near future anyway as I'm still shy.

I don't think they're the person who'd just use me as a fallback. But maybe they are. In my present state of mind, if they were to return and willing to make a plan to address the issues that made her not commit last time then yes I'd accept them. Probably won't happen anyway so you don't need to worry

I'm getting stronger every day so I don't know how long I'll feel that way for.

Thank you again for your words. I think I need someone saying them again and again so my subconscious will finally hear the message.

P.S. My subconscious is really great at tricking me. I actually believe I only want to know why they would commit to someone so quickly when she expressed so much hesitation before. I know I won't get a logical answer that satisfies me, but still I want one.

crazy yes

Rabbitrabbits · 11-07-2009, 08:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by offplanet

Girls have it easier, because they get more offers online than guys do

I have no idea why but when I asked her how after saying she loved me, she could just give her heart so quickly to the first person who came along. She corrected me and said "only" instead of first. I'm still not sure why. I should really stop thinking about silly things.

P.S. Since you're so kind replying I was naughty and read some of your posts you've made to see more about you (I get curious) I'm sorry to hear about your poor dog. I did some work experience in a vet clinic the other day for the first time. It was only meant to be for some grooming but I ended up watching a dog being put to sleep. It was very sad to watch, even through it wasn't my dog and it affected me for the rest of the day. I hope your new dog is going well and best of luck.

catfeeder · 11-07-2009, 09:49 AM

The problem with an LDR is that it's based on the ideas and fantasies you build 'about' someone rather than a direct experience 'of' the real person.

Regardless of any hopes and dreams you both exchanged, your mind was more strongly invested in creating ideas about her than her mind ventured to invest in you.

That's not a reflection on you. She didn't even know you. That doesn't mean she knows the new guy any better, it just means she's able to create a better fantasy 'about' him.

I'd pull back from this and focus your mind on ways to meet people in the flesh. Living in your own head can feed your emotions, but meeting people and engaging in actions and shared experiences is the only real way to get to know someone.

In your corner.

CuZiNeeDYoU · 11-07-2009, 10:45 AM

God i dont wanna sound harsh or bitter ...but my real lifr girlfriend started dating a new guy 2 weeks after leaving me and i had to suffer through seeing them making out....like i said i dont wanna be mean....but have you ever even seen this girl? if so maybe once or twice? You cant base love on that...go out there and find a girl that you can actually see....her new rebound is 15000 km away what are you worrying about...people like me have the constant thought of our exes sleeping with another person while were all alone in bed....nothing even compares to this....forget about her find a real relationship

Rabbitrabbits · 11-07-2009, 05:29 PM

I just don't understand why someone would say how people sometimes say something in the heat of the moment they don't fully mean. Like I love you. A few months say without the heat of the moment. Seem like your sensible about it and know the flaws of a LDR. But then throw it all away and declare how you want to spend your life forever with someone who you've only recently met. It's just illogical in my world.

Now I've got that in my system thanks both for your replies. I'm sorry to about your girlfriend. That would have been really hard for you and I can't understand that either. I know there's parts of each other you wouldn't get to know in a LDR. But I thought I knew her pretty well. Likes, dislikes, ways of doing things, how they fold washing (yes I focus on weird things :P) Anyway that's all in the past so hopefully the different parts of me will stop harping on questions with no answers.

I'm not too good with strangers in real life. I'm working on it but I still haven't got the whole social situation down pat. I'm quite good if I know and like being with the people I'm around. This presents challengers but hopefully being around more and more people I'll find someone eventually without having to go through the whole dating conundrum.

doiiiieeezie · 11-07-2009, 07:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rabbitrabbits

I just don't understand why someone would say how people sometimes say something in the heat of the moment they don't fully mean. Like I love you. A few months say without the heat of the moment. Seem like your sensible about it and know the flaws of a LDR. But then throw it all away and declare how you want to spend your life forever with someone who you've only recently met. It's just illogical in my world.

She will do the same to that person as she did to you... does it make you feel better? No, but people like that will go from one e-relationship to another.. and you were just a victim in her path of destruction. Isn't it good that you saw it for what it was now and not down the road?

I'm not against meeting someone online, and for many people, it does work. But she is living in a fantasy world, you need to face that reality. Sucks, but it is what it is.

catfeeder · 11-07-2009, 07:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by doiiiieeezie

She will do the same to that person as she did to you... does it make you feel better? No, but people like that will go from one e-relationship to another.. and you were just a victim in her path of destruction. Isn't it good that you saw it for what it was now and not down the road?

I'm not against meeting someone online, and for many people, it does work. But she is living in a fantasy world, you need to face that reality. Sucks, but it is what it is.

Yep. There's a huge difference between meeting someone after introducing yourselves online versus building a love fantasy about someone you've never met.

Even when long distance strangers meet once or twice, it's in a vacation-like cocoon cleared from distractions of the real world. So this can enhance the fantasy without exactly introducing much reality to the deal.

Knowing someone well enough to love them usually includes spending time in their natural habitat, and yours, learning about them through observation instead of descriptions, and somewhere along the line even seeing them with a headcold or sharing a stressful holiday or two or getting annoyed by their grocery store habits or developing a bond with their dog or cat--its all part of getting to know the person, as opposed to idealizing their 'story' in the way people get hooked on soap operas or build crushes on celebrities.

You can't expect someone to commit to any of the crap they feed you through an electronic device. That's not love, its a reality show.

My best,
Cat

Rabbitrabbits · 11-07-2009, 09:21 PM

I suppose it's for the best. Even through this behaviour seems uncharacteristic, it is still from her so I must accept that.

I've observed them with a head cold and their interactions with their cat's and children. I suppose it's not the same as been there in person, but still their interactions didn't have any indications of badness. Not that leaving someone for someone else and committing very quickly despite previous comments and reservations is necessarily bad. Just quite strange and hard to understand for me. I've obviously never had a stressful holiday, or seen them with weird grocery shopping idiosyncrasies. I suppose that in a way idealises my picture of them but I don't think it's as bad as you describe. But I have seen them stressed and frustrated and heard descriptions of annoyances at stores (I know I know it's not the same. :P) I might be a fluke but I don't lie and just tell the truth over the internet. Of course I've been burned in the process so I really should take a long hard think.

My question esentially wasn't about whether she would do to the new person what she did to me. It was more me originally thinking that this new person must be a lot more suited to her in everyway based on the way she talks, feels and commited so quickly despite reservations all the time before. But after reading here that to me doesn't seem a healthy stable basis for a relationship, long distance or not. It just doesn't seem like her and my mind is trying to get a logical answer where in all probility there is none.

Thanks again for baring with me everyone.

11-07-2009, 06:56 AM	#1
Rabbitrabbits Offline Member Join Date: Nov 2009 Posts: 17	Trying to understand them moving so fast with the new I posted another topic on the Getting Back Together section as that's where I found the solace of no contact (which is really helping me heal btw). But I've thinking how this section would be more suited as I just want to do what's best for me and see what happens. Of course it still hurts and I still have questions. So I'm posting just one question this time. It's not a multi-page labyrinth like the last one so don't worry . (of course if you'd like to read the longer story and comment it'd be much appreciated) My main question, for today at least, has been on my mind for the past few days. Logically I know I should just let it go and in the most part I have. But as I said the past few days I've relapsed a bit and have been reading a lot here and thinking a lot as well. First a few paragraph explanation of my relationship: A long story short is I was in a long distance relationship for 14 months with someone who was quite a bit older than me. I seem to be quite different from most my age (21) so most of the people I converse with are older too. It's not surprising therefore that my relationship would be the same. However the person I was in the LDR with told me about someone else around 6 weeks ago. This person is the same distance away from them(15,000km's), but a closer age (7 years older than her) I know long distance relationships have their problems but we talked on average of 1 and a half hours each day on skype along with lot's of emailing and text messaging. We shared and did lot's of things together so knowledge of this other person came out of the blue. He emailed her about her blog around two months before and was quite complimentary. I don't know when the feelings started to develop. She told me when her time with him started to interfere with her time with me. She had only just this year opened up a new shop which was taking quite a lot of her time and putting her under stress. I was there for her and comforted during all this, but with the limited time she had, she still seemed to want to spend a majority with me. Even after she told me about her the new person she'd talk and do things like old times (with no certain activity of course) When we first met she was still sad about her last break-up. It was a long distance relationship too and they were planning to live together after 5 years when her kid's had grown up. Anyway she flew over for a visit and he broke up with her. Two months after that break-up I started talking with her and she was still sad. But she mostly was getting over it and we started developing feelings for each other after a while. She told me about her hurt and how she put up layers around her heart so it wouldn't happen again. But after around 3-4 months of talking everyday she started to say I love you and become closer to me in the 11 months after that. Maybe it's because of this that I can't understand why and how she's moving so fast with the new person. Just a week after she told me about them, she was telling me how she wants to spend the rest of her life with him and they were making plans for just that. I don't understand how one can go from wanting to protect yourself to progressing so quickly without slowing. I always felt she was very mature and she seemed to be the sort of person who if there was a problem in a relationship say so and have it fixed. Were my old feelings of her maturity correct and has she found someone perfect for her in every way with no obvious flaws who she indeed will want to spend the rest of her days with. Or is this some sort of quasi rebound or something similar. I know it's not technically a rebound, but whenever I read about that in the posts I've read the biggest indicator seems to be taking it fast. I'm keeping strong with no contact, even through they say they miss me, as I need to heal myself. I've made great strides so far, but as evidenced by this post I still fall back sometimes. Again I know I can't get a 100% answer (unless you count time) but I'd appreciate those with further experience than me to help me understand. I just wonder a lot and ever since I've read here that relationship's that go so fast and so soon after a old one might not be as perfect forever forever as she thinks it will be. Thank you everyone for any help, advise, solace or just general wisdom you can offer. I'm gleaning much from the posts here and posting highlights in a document to read when I'm down. But words posted specifically to you can sometimes be more potent and that's what I feel like now. P.S. Apologies for apologising thrice. It just plays on my mind and I'm not sure why. It'll probably be gone in the next few days so thanks for answering my questions in the mean time

11-07-2009, 07:34 AM	#2
offplanet Offline Silver Member Join Date: Mar 2009 Posts: 358	Rabbit you seem to be holding onto the hope that her new relationship will fail and that she'll come back to you. Well, that could easily happen, but if she wants to take up where you left off, remember that she's likely to go off with someone else again at some stage. Are you willing to get re-involved with her only to get let down again? Think seriously about that, because you seem like you're quite willing and wanting to resume with her. Doing that would give her the message that she can keep you, and go off with another guy at any time, and you'll accept that. You seem to have a lot more invested in the relationship than she does. Girls have it easier, because they get more offers online than guys do. I don't like to see you being in the position that she can come and go from you as she wishes, and get away with it because you don't want to lose her. Do you ever chat with other females online? Or do you remain 'faithful' to her? Why don't you try getting to know someone else, rather than invest all your emotions in her? You sound like a very nice person.

11-07-2009, 09:49 AM	#5
catfeeder Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: Northern New Jersey Gender: Female Posts: 2,566	The problem with an LDR is that it's based on the ideas and fantasies you build 'about' someone rather than a direct experience 'of' the real person. Regardless of any hopes and dreams you both exchanged, your mind was more strongly invested in creating ideas about her than her mind ventured to invest in you. That's not a reflection on you. She didn't even know you. That doesn't mean she knows the new guy any better, it just means she's able to create a better fantasy 'about' him. I'd pull back from this and focus your mind on ways to meet people in the flesh. Living in your own head can feed your emotions, but meeting people and engaging in actions and shared experiences is the only real way to get to know someone. In your corner.

11-07-2009, 10:45 AM	#6
CuZiNeeDYoU Online Member Join Date: Oct 2009 Posts: 134	God i dont wanna sound harsh or bitter ...but my real lifr girlfriend started dating a new guy 2 weeks after leaving me and i had to suffer through seeing them making out....like i said i dont wanna be mean....but have you ever even seen this girl? if so maybe once or twice? You cant base love on that...go out there and find a girl that you can actually see....her new rebound is 15000 km away what are you worrying about...people like me have the constant thought of our exes sleeping with another person while were all alone in bed....nothing even compares to this....forget about her find a real relationship

11-07-2009, 05:29 PM	#7
Rabbitrabbits Offline Member Join Date: Nov 2009 Posts: 17	I just don't understand why someone would say how people sometimes say something in the heat of the moment they don't fully mean. Like I love you. A few months say without the heat of the moment. Seem like your sensible about it and know the flaws of a LDR. But then throw it all away and declare how you want to spend your life forever with someone who you've only recently met. It's just illogical in my world. Now I've got that in my system thanks both for your replies. I'm sorry to about your girlfriend. That would have been really hard for you and I can't understand that either. I know there's parts of each other you wouldn't get to know in a LDR. But I thought I knew her pretty well. Likes, dislikes, ways of doing things, how they fold washing (yes I focus on weird things :P) Anyway that's all in the past so hopefully the different parts of me will stop harping on questions with no answers. I'm not too good with strangers in real life. I'm working on it but I still haven't got the whole social situation down pat. I'm quite good if I know and like being with the people I'm around. This presents challengers but hopefully being around more and more people I'll find someone eventually without having to go through the whole dating conundrum.

11-07-2009, 09:21 PM	#10
Rabbitrabbits Offline Member Join Date: Nov 2009 Posts: 17	I suppose it's for the best. Even through this behaviour seems uncharacteristic, it is still from her so I must accept that. I've observed them with a head cold and their interactions with their cat's and children. I suppose it's not the same as been there in person, but still their interactions didn't have any indications of badness. Not that leaving someone for someone else and committing very quickly despite previous comments and reservations is necessarily bad. Just quite strange and hard to understand for me. I've obviously never had a stressful holiday, or seen them with weird grocery shopping idiosyncrasies. I suppose that in a way idealises my picture of them but I don't think it's as bad as you describe. But I have seen them stressed and frustrated and heard descriptions of annoyances at stores (I know I know it's not the same. :P) I might be a fluke but I don't lie and just tell the truth over the internet. Of course I've been burned in the process so I really should take a long hard think. My question esentially wasn't about whether she would do to the new person what she did to me. It was more me originally thinking that this new person must be a lot more suited to her in everyway based on the way she talks, feels and commited so quickly despite reservations all the time before. But after reading here that to me doesn't seem a healthy stable basis for a relationship, long distance or not. It just doesn't seem like her and my mind is trying to get a logical answer where in all probility there is none. Thanks again for baring with me everyone.