Confused. (Sorry if this doesn't make any sense)

Rouen · 11-07-2009, 06:28 AM

Hello, I recently joined this forums but before that, I lurked around and such and found that a lot of people around here are very helpful and friendly. I'm not sure what I'm trying to say but, I'm feeling very confused. I have never told anyone ever, that I'm gay. When I put the words "I am gay" together, I had to use some sort of courage just to type it out. So umm..I will say that I'm gay, I have admitted this since i turned 18 few months ago. I'm sorry if my sentences are all stale and dull and such, but I'm having a hard time trying to figure out what I want to say =/.

It seems like many individuals who are gay has a hard time coming out of the closet, of course I'm still in the closet, I can't even type what I am without full confidence (even though I truly know I'm gay). The people who has come out of the closet seems to have most of their problems with their parents, but for some reason, I could careless what my family thinks of me, I'm not sure why I think like this, my personality is to care about what everyone around me thinks. Zzz...I'm sorry, I'm making no sense at all, I guess what I'm trying to ask for is help on a problem I can't even figure out what it is..

So about me and my crushes. Ever since middle school, I have never though of being gay as anything at all, I didn't even know attraction to the same gender even existed, but looking back now, I have shown signs of homosexuality because I kept thinking that this guy is really "cool", and I thought that was it, but I recall constantly looking at him for some sort of entertainment that was confusing to me, but I never questioned it back then. In middle school, I must say that I was always motivated to do my homework, and study whenever I could and always getting A's with the occasionaly B's. As I went throughout high school, it turns out I had an actual crush for that guy but that was it, only a physical attraction crush. Of course during my high school life my eyes linger around and pasted on a few other guys, just like anyone would with their crush I think. Though in my high school life, I wasn't a very good student, I always had at least a D and an F out of my 6 periods. I can blame the fact is because I was in the closet and that prevented me from doing well, but I was being a fool and got caught up with online games, but I can't help with the fact that, would things have changed if I had gone out of the closet in high school?

I don't really know what the high school anecdote was for but anyways, I eventually graduated high school in the normal 4 years with no depression issues of homosexuality and whatnot. Now that i'm in college as a freshmen, I think that nothing will change for me, it feels inevitable I will just slack off, not because of online games (which I rarely play now), but because I've grown so accustomed to the way I've been acting. I'm really not sure how my academic life has to do anything with my orientation but it feels as if they have some sort of connection. Uhh..It feels like I'm just blabbering non sense..

Well as you know, I have crushes in high school and yadayada, but for some reason in my college, there is this really cute/hot guy in my class I've been eyeing. I thought to myself eh, just another one of my crushes. I first saw him walking in the class late, and my eyes were instantly glued onto him, I looked around to see if any of the girls was having the same reaction as me but it was very surprising that none of them actually did. So throughout the teacher's lecture, I would occasionally peek over to look at him, and if he looked towards me, I smoothly look over at the clock that was conveniently above him. That day has gone by and I totally forgot about him because he was just a random crush for the day. So during the next class meeting, we had to move rooms because the teacher wanted to, so we started our class with new seats, and I sat in the back, and when the class was starting, he was late again, and there was an empty seat next to me so he sat there. I tried to not look at him and such, whenever I have some sort of attraction towards someone, I make it so that I'm not interested at all, or just very sleepy, so that no one would ever suspect anything. Since he was late, he was kind of behind on what the class was doing, seeing as he struggled, I had to help him (I usually help anyone that's in trouble anyway). I was surprised I actually talked to him first because I'm extremely introverted, and barely talk but for some reason, he just made me want to say something. So throughout the whole 4 hours of the class, I was helping him with what's going on, and he would help me with what's going on. He said he really appreciates that I helped him even though he didn't ask, and he looked very grateful. He wasn't the type of person who would constantly ask for help after you've helped the first time, he seemed very considerate because he kept saying he didn't want to be a bother to me, which he wasn't of course. We had casual conversations and he said he is running a business, and I was quite surprised because he looked like someone around my age, but a business already? I was interested him even more, because he's not only handsome, he's stable. He talked like a very..ordinary "cool" dude who uses words to make you feel good when talking to him, he also stated he had a girlfriend when he said that he and his girlfriend was setting up the business. But that didn't bother me at all. So as the class ends, we both noticed that we don't have the textbook for this course, so we walked to the bookstore together to get them, and after that, somewhere during our conversation, he said he was 25 which shocked me on the inside, but on the outside I kept a very calm face. Then we both had to go and he gave me a handshake clap thig and said I was a very cool kid. I kept a very normal face throughout the whole class, and the whole time I was talking to him. Then as I was driving, I found myself getting extremely excited for some reason, like I got very ecstatic, not because he said i was a "cool kid" but it was something else, I really don't know what but I felt very happy. The day after that, I could not stop thinking about him, this was the first time ever, I ever had someone I couldn't think about, I mean there were plenty of other guys in my life where I had crush on and had casual conversations with them, but I didn't really think about them after that. I still think so much about this guy as I type this whole confusing thread, I think so much about him, that I actually forgot how his face looks like..This sounds extremely odd but, I forgot how he looked like. Whenever I talked to him, I always look him in the eye, and would have never thought I would forget such a handsome face. His face sometimes re appears in my head, but it disappears from time to time. It's extremely irritating because I do not want to forget how he looks like, even though I'll see him again on tuesday. I'm not sure what's going on with me..what's going on?? I'm extremely confused, how can I think about someone for a whole day, and forget their face? I know that I like him in a way, but if i liked him so much, how did I forget how he looked like?

I'm sorry if this is a very long post that may not make any sense, you don't have to read it and all, I felt like I really needed an area to place my thoughts and feelings. This is the only time, where I have ever said that I was gay. It wasn't that hard to type out "I'm gay" but it's awkward..Maybe it's because this one guy..I know we could never be together because well, I'm 18 and he's 25, he says he has a girlfriend, and even though it would be nice to be with him, my mind says that it's just not right, but I cannot stop thinking about him..I just can't, I even fantasize about him =/ which is weird too because I usually only fantasize about things other than humans like childish stuff like flying haha.

chiefoptimizer · 11-07-2009, 08:22 AM

Hi Rouen, welcome to ENA!

It's good you've already accepted you're gay, a lot of people struggle with it for much longer... About this guy, I think you'd better avoid crushing too hard on him - he's got a girlfriend, and it's not healthy for you to try and get between them - how would you like it if someone tried to take your own boyfriend from you one day?

Is there an lgbt society/group at your college? You'll have to find out, and then you could try going to one of their socials, to make friends and meet people...

Good luck

And please keep posting when you have any concerns!

Rouen · 11-07-2009, 12:18 PM

Haha thanks Chief, I know I will not try to get between them, I know it's not the right thing to do at all, but I just can't stop thinking about him =/, I'm not sure if there's a lgbt society group at my college, and even if there were, I would be afraid to even enter, because I'm so shy and I rarely even talk to people. x-x

ceez · 11-08-2009, 09:54 PM

hello Rouen, I'm really shy myself but I'm making an effort to talk more. I know how hard it is to get over a crush too, I had a lot of crushes in high school and I didn't realize it until about a week ago that I have sort of a big crush on a guy in my class and just like you I can't stop thinking about him.

you should definitely look into a lgbt group in your area, I would myself but I can't find one in my area

11-07-2009, 06:28 AM	#1
Rouen Offline Member Join Date: Nov 2009 Posts: 15	Confused. (Sorry if this doesn't make any sense) Hello, I recently joined this forums but before that, I lurked around and such and found that a lot of people around here are very helpful and friendly. I'm not sure what I'm trying to say but, I'm feeling very confused. I have never told anyone ever, that I'm gay. When I put the words "I am gay" together, I had to use some sort of courage just to type it out. So umm..I will say that I'm gay, I have admitted this since i turned 18 few months ago. I'm sorry if my sentences are all stale and dull and such, but I'm having a hard time trying to figure out what I want to say =/. It seems like many individuals who are gay has a hard time coming out of the closet, of course I'm still in the closet, I can't even type what I am without full confidence (even though I truly know I'm gay). The people who has come out of the closet seems to have most of their problems with their parents, but for some reason, I could careless what my family thinks of me, I'm not sure why I think like this, my personality is to care about what everyone around me thinks. Zzz...I'm sorry, I'm making no sense at all, I guess what I'm trying to ask for is help on a problem I can't even figure out what it is.. So about me and my crushes. Ever since middle school, I have never though of being gay as anything at all, I didn't even know attraction to the same gender even existed, but looking back now, I have shown signs of homosexuality because I kept thinking that this guy is really "cool", and I thought that was it, but I recall constantly looking at him for some sort of entertainment that was confusing to me, but I never questioned it back then. In middle school, I must say that I was always motivated to do my homework, and study whenever I could and always getting A's with the occasionaly B's. As I went throughout high school, it turns out I had an actual crush for that guy but that was it, only a physical attraction crush. Of course during my high school life my eyes linger around and pasted on a few other guys, just like anyone would with their crush I think. Though in my high school life, I wasn't a very good student, I always had at least a D and an F out of my 6 periods. I can blame the fact is because I was in the closet and that prevented me from doing well, but I was being a fool and got caught up with online games, but I can't help with the fact that, would things have changed if I had gone out of the closet in high school? I don't really know what the high school anecdote was for but anyways, I eventually graduated high school in the normal 4 years with no depression issues of homosexuality and whatnot. Now that i'm in college as a freshmen, I think that nothing will change for me, it feels inevitable I will just slack off, not because of online games (which I rarely play now), but because I've grown so accustomed to the way I've been acting. I'm really not sure how my academic life has to do anything with my orientation but it feels as if they have some sort of connection. Uhh..It feels like I'm just blabbering non sense.. Well as you know, I have crushes in high school and yadayada, but for some reason in my college, there is this really cute/hot guy in my class I've been eyeing. I thought to myself eh, just another one of my crushes. I first saw him walking in the class late, and my eyes were instantly glued onto him, I looked around to see if any of the girls was having the same reaction as me but it was very surprising that none of them actually did. So throughout the teacher's lecture, I would occasionally peek over to look at him, and if he looked towards me, I smoothly look over at the clock that was conveniently above him. That day has gone by and I totally forgot about him because he was just a random crush for the day. So during the next class meeting, we had to move rooms because the teacher wanted to, so we started our class with new seats, and I sat in the back, and when the class was starting, he was late again, and there was an empty seat next to me so he sat there. I tried to not look at him and such, whenever I have some sort of attraction towards someone, I make it so that I'm not interested at all, or just very sleepy, so that no one would ever suspect anything. Since he was late, he was kind of behind on what the class was doing, seeing as he struggled, I had to help him (I usually help anyone that's in trouble anyway). I was surprised I actually talked to him first because I'm extremely introverted, and barely talk but for some reason, he just made me want to say something. So throughout the whole 4 hours of the class, I was helping him with what's going on, and he would help me with what's going on. He said he really appreciates that I helped him even though he didn't ask, and he looked very grateful. He wasn't the type of person who would constantly ask for help after you've helped the first time, he seemed very considerate because he kept saying he didn't want to be a bother to me, which he wasn't of course. We had casual conversations and he said he is running a business, and I was quite surprised because he looked like someone around my age, but a business already? I was interested him even more, because he's not only handsome, he's stable. He talked like a very..ordinary "cool" dude who uses words to make you feel good when talking to him, he also stated he had a girlfriend when he said that he and his girlfriend was setting up the business. But that didn't bother me at all. So as the class ends, we both noticed that we don't have the textbook for this course, so we walked to the bookstore together to get them, and after that, somewhere during our conversation, he said he was 25 which shocked me on the inside, but on the outside I kept a very calm face. Then we both had to go and he gave me a handshake clap thig and said I was a very cool kid. I kept a very normal face throughout the whole class, and the whole time I was talking to him. Then as I was driving, I found myself getting extremely excited for some reason, like I got very ecstatic, not because he said i was a "cool kid" but it was something else, I really don't know what but I felt very happy. The day after that, I could not stop thinking about him, this was the first time ever, I ever had someone I couldn't think about, I mean there were plenty of other guys in my life where I had crush on and had casual conversations with them, but I didn't really think about them after that. I still think so much about this guy as I type this whole confusing thread, I think so much about him, that I actually forgot how his face looks like..This sounds extremely odd but, I forgot how he looked like. Whenever I talked to him, I always look him in the eye, and would have never thought I would forget such a handsome face. His face sometimes re appears in my head, but it disappears from time to time. It's extremely irritating because I do not want to forget how he looks like, even though I'll see him again on tuesday. I'm not sure what's going on with me..what's going on?? I'm extremely confused, how can I think about someone for a whole day, and forget their face? I know that I like him in a way, but if i liked him so much, how did I forget how he looked like? I'm sorry if this is a very long post that may not make any sense, you don't have to read it and all, I felt like I really needed an area to place my thoughts and feelings. This is the only time, where I have ever said that I was gay. It wasn't that hard to type out "I'm gay" but it's awkward..Maybe it's because this one guy..I know we could never be together because well, I'm 18 and he's 25, he says he has a girlfriend, and even though it would be nice to be with him, my mind says that it's just not right, but I cannot stop thinking about him..I just can't, I even fantasize about him =/ which is weird too because I usually only fantasize about things other than humans like childish stuff like flying haha.

11-07-2009, 08:22 AM	#2
chiefoptimizer Offline Silver Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Exeter Gender: Male Age: 22 Posts: 488	Hi Rouen, welcome to ENA! It's good you've already accepted you're gay, a lot of people struggle with it for much longer... About this guy, I think you'd better avoid crushing too hard on him - he's got a girlfriend, and it's not healthy for you to try and get between them - how would you like it if someone tried to take your own boyfriend from you one day? Is there an lgbt society/group at your college? You'll have to find out, and then you could try going to one of their socials, to make friends and meet people... Good luck And please keep posting when you have any concerns! __________________ There is no fate but what we make!

11-07-2009, 12:18 PM	#3
Rouen Offline Member Join Date: Nov 2009 Posts: 15	Haha thanks Chief, I know I will not try to get between them, I know it's not the right thing to do at all, but I just can't stop thinking about him =/, I'm not sure if there's a lgbt society group at my college, and even if there were, I would be afraid to even enter, because I'm so shy and I rarely even talk to people. x-x

11-08-2009, 09:54 PM	#4
ceez Offline Member Join Date: Aug 2009 Location: VA Gender: Male Age: 23 Posts: 122	hello Rouen, I'm really shy myself but I'm making an effort to talk more. I know how hard it is to get over a crush too, I had a lot of crushes in high school and I didn't realize it until about a week ago that I have sort of a big crush on a guy in my class and just like you I can't stop thinking about him. you should definitely look into a lgbt group in your area, I would myself but I can't find one in my area