spouse suddenly checks out

fundit · 11-07-2009, 05:48 AM

Two weeks ago tonight my wife explained to me that she doesn't love me and has never loved me. She said she been struggling since our engagement to love me, but to no avail. Now she's given up. She left immediately, saying she won't talk to me for weeks. She wanted time to sort out her thoughts, but she said she was practically certain she will end the marriage. Just like that. Nothing to talk about, just gone. I've written to her at length, trying to find answers to why such a sweet and affectionate woman would be so inhumanly cold. I explained that this is probably attributable to her untreated ADHD. From my few conversations with her family it sounds like she is indeed resolved to end our marriage. To make my situation worse, she works out of town, so there is no way to talk to her or see her to rehabilitate our marriage if she is unwilling to try.

My question is, are there any legal obligations to communicate difficulty in a marriage and attempt to work things out before divorce is granted? I live in Maryland, where no fault divorce takes 12 months of separation for divorce to be finalized. Additionally, the law here supposedly requires the couple to state that the marriage is beyond any hope of reconciliation. We haven't even talked about this! So I am in a terrible limbo. Is she in the driver's seat, able to abandon her vows to me and run away with no harm to herself?

For background, we have been married 17 months and together for over 3 years. She is 24, I am 37. I thought up until her announcement that she loved me very much and was happily married to me. She's never said our marriage was in trouble. I bought a house because of our plans, which I never would have done otherwise.

Thank you.

Crazyaboutdogs · 11-07-2009, 06:42 AM

I am sorry you are going through this. Is it possible that she met someone else and that is why she is ending the marriage? Sadly, some people go into marriage with people they don't love simply because they want security, status, whatever...and when people do that the marriage typically unravels...some may get divorced, others just stick with it for the outside show but are complete strangers behind closed doors. Some people are also very good at faking the love in order to get the desired outcome..be it sex, gifts, marriage, whatever. I would not blame ADHD for this. She made her choices and I am sure there is something else going on here. Perhaps the age gap got to her. You say she works out of town..so this has been a long distance marriage? Rather than trying to save your marriage, which clearly she doesn't want to do, I would strongly urge you to protect your financial assets. Talk to a lawyer and make sure this woman can't get a financial windfall from you. There are plenty of women who marry for money and then walk away from the marriage trying to extract the money. You have not been married that long so hopefully she is not entitled to much. Forget about the romance and the happily ever after with this woman...the best thing you can do for yourself is to make sure she doesn't also break your bank account in addition to your heart.

MrWallFlower · 11-07-2009, 06:51 AM

My first thought, too, was that she has someone else. Check things out before you take all the blame.

fundit · 11-07-2009, 06:52 AM

Thanks for your thoughts. She makes more than I do and she is clearly at fault here, so I'm not worried about losing money. I'm sure I'll cover this with a lawyer if it goes through. The affair is certainly possible. We normally see each other on weekends, 2 or 3 days of the week.

lavenderdove · 11-07-2009, 08:01 AM

I would guess that this is one of two things.

Either she has indeed met someone else and is just disappearing quickly to be with him, or else she emotionally doesn't want to deal with you being upset and trying to talk her back into the marriage (i.e., she has really made up her mind to leave), so she is avoiding contact in order to avoid conflict.

I think in Maryland that if you don't contest the divorce, she can file (or you can file) after a year of separation and the divorce will follow a few months after that. But if you contest the divorce (i.e., refuse to agree that the separation was mutual), it could drag on for another year or so, taking up to two or 2.5 year. Maryland is one state that takes longer than many to get a divorce if one person resists. But no one can make her stay married to you longer than that if she chooses to leave. A lawyer could tell you the details.

But you have to ask yourself why you would resist if she is being so determined to break up the marriage. If there are no children involved, and she is determined not to see you, then I frankly wouldn't want to try to force someone to be in a marriage they really want out of.

There is a chance that in the year of separation she might change her mind, but you don't have enough information to really evaluate whether the problem is she has met someone else. But based on her behavior, i would suspect that the issue is that she has met someone else and wants to immediately be free in order to pursue him. I'm really sorry.

scornandtorn · 11-07-2009, 08:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by fundit

I thought up until her announcement that she loved me very much and was happily married to me. She's never said our marriage was in trouble.

I am sorry you are here. Please read the thread "Relationship with X" and research "walkaway spouse" or "walkaway wife", in your case, for useful information regarding this dynamic.

Definately get legal advice right away and learn how to protect yourself.

gsxr104 · 11-07-2009, 08:15 AM

I was thinking pretty much the same thing lavenderdove said.

fundit · 11-07-2009, 08:33 AM

She denied an affair to both me and her parents. She also very recently before this asserted strongly that extramarital relations are wrong. Still, it explains this better than anything else, except possibly for a mental condition related to ADHD. I've read that people with ADHD can be super into someone for a while, but can suddenly become bored and move on. I think lavenderdove makes a lot of sense. Thank you for your sympathy. This is truly a horrible experience.

Anyway · 11-07-2009, 08:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MrWallFlower

My first thought, too, was that she has someone else. Check things out before you take all the blame.

It definitely sounds like that.

catfeeder · 11-07-2009, 02:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by fundit

She denied an affair to both me and her parents. She also very recently before this asserted strongly that extramarital relations are wrong. Still, it explains this better than anything else, except possibly for a mental condition related to ADHD. I've read that people with ADHD can be super into someone for a while, but can suddenly become bored and move on. I think lavenderdove makes a lot of sense. Thank you for your sympathy. This is truly a horrible experience.

My heart goes out to you. If you want any reasonable discussion with her, I wouldn't go trigger-happy with the mental condition theory. Regardless whether it has anything to do with her choices at the moment, it will only likely infuriate her and shut her down to any real communication beyond that statement.

I can appreciate that her behavior seems bizarre and hysterical to you, but pointing that out won't benefit your desire to communicate--it will only harm it.

In your corner.

11-07-2009, 05:48 AM	#1
fundit Offline Member Join Date: Nov 2009 Posts: 8	spouse suddenly checks out Two weeks ago tonight my wife explained to me that she doesn't love me and has never loved me. She said she been struggling since our engagement to love me, but to no avail. Now she's given up. She left immediately, saying she won't talk to me for weeks. She wanted time to sort out her thoughts, but she said she was practically certain she will end the marriage. Just like that. Nothing to talk about, just gone. I've written to her at length, trying to find answers to why such a sweet and affectionate woman would be so inhumanly cold. I explained that this is probably attributable to her untreated ADHD. From my few conversations with her family it sounds like she is indeed resolved to end our marriage. To make my situation worse, she works out of town, so there is no way to talk to her or see her to rehabilitate our marriage if she is unwilling to try. My question is, are there any legal obligations to communicate difficulty in a marriage and attempt to work things out before divorce is granted? I live in Maryland, where no fault divorce takes 12 months of separation for divorce to be finalized. Additionally, the law here supposedly requires the couple to state that the marriage is beyond any hope of reconciliation. We haven't even talked about this! So I am in a terrible limbo. Is she in the driver's seat, able to abandon her vows to me and run away with no harm to herself? For background, we have been married 17 months and together for over 3 years. She is 24, I am 37. I thought up until her announcement that she loved me very much and was happily married to me. She's never said our marriage was in trouble. I bought a house because of our plans, which I never would have done otherwise. Thank you.

11-07-2009, 06:42 AM	#2
Crazyaboutdogs Online Platinum Member Join Date: May 2006 Location: Canada Gender: Female Age: 46 Posts: 15,627	I am sorry you are going through this. Is it possible that she met someone else and that is why she is ending the marriage? Sadly, some people go into marriage with people they don't love simply because they want security, status, whatever...and when people do that the marriage typically unravels...some may get divorced, others just stick with it for the outside show but are complete strangers behind closed doors. Some people are also very good at faking the love in order to get the desired outcome..be it sex, gifts, marriage, whatever. I would not blame ADHD for this. She made her choices and I am sure there is something else going on here. Perhaps the age gap got to her. You say she works out of town..so this has been a long distance marriage? Rather than trying to save your marriage, which clearly she doesn't want to do, I would strongly urge you to protect your financial assets. Talk to a lawyer and make sure this woman can't get a financial windfall from you. There are plenty of women who marry for money and then walk away from the marriage trying to extract the money. You have not been married that long so hopefully she is not entitled to much. Forget about the romance and the happily ever after with this woman...the best thing you can do for yourself is to make sure she doesn't also break your bank account in addition to your heart.

11-07-2009, 06:51 AM	#3
MrWallFlower Offline Member Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Ohio, USA Gender: Male Age: 44 Posts: 46	My first thought, too, was that she has someone else. Check things out before you take all the blame.

11-07-2009, 06:52 AM	#4
fundit Offline Member Join Date: Nov 2009 Posts: 8	Thanks for your thoughts. She makes more than I do and she is clearly at fault here, so I'm not worried about losing money. I'm sure I'll cover this with a lawyer if it goes through. The affair is certainly possible. We normally see each other on weekends, 2 or 3 days of the week.

11-07-2009, 08:01 AM	#5
lavenderdove Online Platinum Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Posts: 1,515	I would guess that this is one of two things. Either she has indeed met someone else and is just disappearing quickly to be with him, or else she emotionally doesn't want to deal with you being upset and trying to talk her back into the marriage (i.e., she has really made up her mind to leave), so she is avoiding contact in order to avoid conflict. I think in Maryland that if you don't contest the divorce, she can file (or you can file) after a year of separation and the divorce will follow a few months after that. But if you contest the divorce (i.e., refuse to agree that the separation was mutual), it could drag on for another year or so, taking up to two or 2.5 year. Maryland is one state that takes longer than many to get a divorce if one person resists. But no one can make her stay married to you longer than that if she chooses to leave. A lawyer could tell you the details. But you have to ask yourself why you would resist if she is being so determined to break up the marriage. If there are no children involved, and she is determined not to see you, then I frankly wouldn't want to try to force someone to be in a marriage they really want out of. There is a chance that in the year of separation she might change her mind, but you don't have enough information to really evaluate whether the problem is she has met someone else. But based on her behavior, i would suspect that the issue is that she has met someone else and wants to immediately be free in order to pursue him. I'm really sorry.

11-07-2009, 08:15 AM	#7
gsxr104 Offline Gold Member Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: Texas Gender: Male Posts: 650	I was thinking pretty much the same thing lavenderdove said.

11-07-2009, 08:33 AM	#8
fundit Offline Member Join Date: Nov 2009 Posts: 8	She denied an affair to both me and her parents. She also very recently before this asserted strongly that extramarital relations are wrong. Still, it explains this better than anything else, except possibly for a mental condition related to ADHD. I've read that people with ADHD can be super into someone for a while, but can suddenly become bored and move on. I think lavenderdove makes a lot of sense. Thank you for your sympathy. This is truly a horrible experience.