Should I try to make him talk about things? Or should we just keep going?

thebluest · 11-07-2009, 03:14 AM

After reconnecting after a rough patch in the relationship, should a couple discuss what went wrong, or should they just appreciate that things are calmer and more fun now and get along with it?

More details that might put things in context:

Mr Bluest and I had been having a rough patch, he avoided me for a few weeks and I was very concerned that he'd thrown in the towel. I thought we'd grown apart, because we've been long-distance for a few years now.
Starting a few months ago he has been spending time with family much more, started college so been busy with school, had some angry confrontations with room mate, and gotten pretty sick, etc. so he'd disappear for days at a time. He really was having a tough time, but I never thought he would exclude me entirely.
I gave him his own room, but I was very concerned because I felt like he could have emailed me if he had 5 spare minutes, but he said he didn't have any time (he was staying with his sister, or he was sick and out of it, or his room mate was nosy and he didn't have any privacy).
He hold me he just didn't need my 'drama' when he's already having a tough time. I did want him to be around more and told him this, but apparently it put too much pressure on him.
In the time we were apart, I went on with life normally, and used the time to volunteer for charitable things and explore other interests, so I was a lot happier and I was prepared to move on if we did break up.
A few days ago we started to reconnect, and he seemed around a LOT more. I treated him like a friend and as if we weren't in a relationship and were just having fun together. He seemed to be happy with this and might have been around more because of this.

He says we're still together, that he still loves me. I can see that he had a lot going on and my 'drama' just didn't help. But life is full of dramas, and I had thought that couples shouldn't exclude each other from their troubles. Am I wrong?

I don't know if we should talk about this now, or whether I should just be happy that he's back and happy to be a couple again. I'm happy to receive any criticisms or advice you're willing to give.

sandrawg · 11-07-2009, 03:36 AM

Ugh, I really hate it when guys accuse us of "starting drama."

Come on, half the time they are the ones who precipitate us being fretty, or naggy, or sometimes just talking about our feelings constitutes "drama" for them. They don't realize that this has a chilling effect--it makes us afraid to talk about what concerns us, cuz we don't want to be accused of being "drama queens."

I think a relationship where you don't feel comfortable addressing your concerns, is one you will have trouble progressing and growing together in.

jess2009 · 11-07-2009, 03:44 AM

given the current circumstances, i think it would be a good idea to take things slowly ...but do not make huge expectations...
your behaviour reminds me of my past, i was always the one who wanted to talk things throught immediately and get it out off my chest .....
but my ex was the other way around, he used to go cold when i wanted to discuss things, i realised over time that he needed more time to process things in his own way before really discussing it. Most guys are like that i suppose. But eventually he used to dsicuss things opnely when he was mentally ready to discuss it rather than me pressuring him to address the issue at stake.

If a guy loves you and wants to be with you, he will eventually come to you and talk things througly .....in the mean time enjoy the relaxed -easy going phase

Ms Darcy · 11-07-2009, 08:10 AM

I agree with Jess^^.

thebluest · 11-07-2009, 09:25 AM

So I should just leave the ball in his court and wait until he's ready to talk? I just feel like he's either never going to bring it up himself or stretch it on for weeks and weeks. I feel so disempowered leaving it up to him to decide when we get to deal with this, and I feel somewhat fake and superficial glossing over the issues between us. I can't force him, and I don't want to, but I just want him to make this about us rather than just about him.

catfeeder · 11-07-2009, 02:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by thebluest

So I should just leave the ball in his court and wait until he's ready to talk? I just feel like he's either never going to bring it up himself or stretch it on for weeks and weeks. I feel so disempowered leaving it up to him to decide when we get to deal with this, and I feel somewhat fake and superficial glossing over the issues between us. I can't force him, and I don't want to, but I just want him to make this about us rather than just about him.

Sounds as though leaving him alone without pressure was the very thing he needed to return to appreciating you. If you start pressuring him to rehash things now, it could blow you out of the water.

I'd let things play out. If he remains involved and happy with you, I'd let it go. If he falls back into taking you for granted, I'd probably let HIM go.

In your corner.

jess2009 · 11-07-2009, 07:29 PM

perhaps it might be an issue of control, you want to talk things through and get it out of your mind...i understand your situation but you have to trust him and let the things flow on its own course..
you have mentioned that you feel disempowered leaving it up to him, please slow down and take things slowly - you might ruin your potential relationship if you try to talk things through at this stage, let the ball rolling on his court for a while and please be patient .....

11-07-2009, 03:14 AM	#1
thebluest Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: Australia Gender: Female Age: 22 Posts: 189	Should I try to make him talk about things? Or should we just keep going? After reconnecting after a rough patch in the relationship, should a couple discuss what went wrong, or should they just appreciate that things are calmer and more fun now and get along with it? More details that might put things in context: Mr Bluest and I had been having a rough patch, he avoided me for a few weeks and I was very concerned that he'd thrown in the towel. I thought we'd grown apart, because we've been long-distance for a few years now. Starting a few months ago he has been spending time with family much more, started college so been busy with school, had some angry confrontations with room mate, and gotten pretty sick, etc. so he'd disappear for days at a time. He really was having a tough time, but I never thought he would exclude me entirely. I gave him his own room, but I was very concerned because I felt like he could have emailed me if he had 5 spare minutes, but he said he didn't have any time (he was staying with his sister, or he was sick and out of it, or his room mate was nosy and he didn't have any privacy). He hold me he just didn't need my 'drama' when he's already having a tough time. I did want him to be around more and told him this, but apparently it put too much pressure on him. In the time we were apart, I went on with life normally, and used the time to volunteer for charitable things and explore other interests, so I was a lot happier and I was prepared to move on if we did break up. A few days ago we started to reconnect, and he seemed around a LOT more. I treated him like a friend and as if we weren't in a relationship and were just having fun together. He seemed to be happy with this and might have been around more because of this. He says we're still together, that he still loves me. I can see that he had a lot going on and my 'drama' just didn't help. But life is full of dramas, and I had thought that couples shouldn't exclude each other from their troubles. Am I wrong? I don't know if we should talk about this now, or whether I should just be happy that he's back and happy to be a couple again. I'm happy to receive any criticisms or advice you're willing to give. __________________ "People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within." - Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

11-07-2009, 09:25 AM	#5
thebluest Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: Australia Gender: Female Age: 22 Posts: 189	So I should just leave the ball in his court and wait until he's ready to talk? I just feel like he's either never going to bring it up himself or stretch it on for weeks and weeks. I feel so disempowered leaving it up to him to decide when we get to deal with this, and I feel somewhat fake and superficial glossing over the issues between us. I can't force him, and I don't want to, but I just want him to make this about us rather than just about him. __________________ "People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within." - Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

11-07-2009, 03:36 AM	#2
sandrawg Offline Silver Member Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: Los Angeles, CA Gender: Female Posts: 696	Ugh, I really hate it when guys accuse us of "starting drama." Come on, half the time they are the ones who precipitate us being fretty, or naggy, or sometimes just talking about our feelings constitutes "drama" for them. They don't realize that this has a chilling effect--it makes us afraid to talk about what concerns us, cuz we don't want to be accused of being "drama queens." I think a relationship where you don't feel comfortable addressing your concerns, is one you will have trouble progressing and growing together in.

11-07-2009, 03:44 AM	#3
jess2009 Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Australia Gender: Female Posts: 106	given the current circumstances, i think it would be a good idea to take things slowly ...but do not make huge expectations... your behaviour reminds me of my past, i was always the one who wanted to talk things throught immediately and get it out off my chest ..... but my ex was the other way around, he used to go cold when i wanted to discuss things, i realised over time that he needed more time to process things in his own way before really discussing it. Most guys are like that i suppose. But eventually he used to dsicuss things opnely when he was mentally ready to discuss it rather than me pressuring him to address the issue at stake. If a guy loves you and wants to be with you, he will eventually come to you and talk things througly .....in the mean time enjoy the relaxed -easy going phase

11-07-2009, 08:10 AM	#4
Ms Darcy Online Platinum Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: United States Gender: Female Age: 28 Posts: 2,084	I agree with Jess^^.

11-07-2009, 07:29 PM	#7
jess2009 Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Australia Gender: Female Posts: 106	perhaps it might be an issue of control, you want to talk things through and get it out of your mind...i understand your situation but you have to trust him and let the things flow on its own course.. you have mentioned that you feel disempowered leaving it up to him, please slow down and take things slowly - you might ruin your potential relationship if you try to talk things through at this stage, let the ball rolling on his court for a while and please be patient .....