How do you go NC when kids are involved?

prestonztt · 11-03-2009, 11:50 PM

I have always wanted some different insights on how people have done this. I just find it really hard cause it just finds a reason for me to talk to her.

I call or text everyday about the kids, but alot of the time I find myself asking how she is doing and stuff. Its just so hard.

So any ideas?

king6 · 11-04-2009, 12:16 AM

I got the same problem. My answer is you CANT. But you can limit what you say to her and how you say it.

Be blunt, to the point, dont waste time, make it all about the kids and not them. Dont give them the satisfaction of thinking they exist other then for the purpose of seeing or contacting your children.

It is very hard, espeically if you still wish you were with that person.

i havent ever been able to have full NC.

Its been 9mths for me now, my kids have been living in a different mans home and spending 90% of there time with a different man since those 9mths..

Nidania · 11-04-2009, 12:27 AM

I had to do this, and I still do almost 5 years later.

He tried to ask me how I was doing, and I asked him at first as well, but it just made it harder for everyone involved.

The thing that worked for me was reminding myself over and over and over and OVER that the only thing I would talk about was the children. This is a little embarrassing, but I even wrote my kids' names on a post-it note and put it where the phone was, so anytime I would talk to him I'd look at their names and remind myself that the only reason I was talking at all was because of the children.

Now, any time he asks me how I'm doing, I answer "Is there anything else you needed to know about the children?" I flat out stopped asking, as it makes no difference to me anymore how he is doing in his life. The only thing that matters is how he relates to the kids, that's it. If you have to write it out and post it in big letters beside your phone, then do it.

It's impossible to go completely NC when children are involved, but it is extremely important to remember that the only reason you are talking to them at all is because of the children.

I can tell you this though. I will be 5 years in on November 14th, and it is super easy to not get involved in his life at all now. It really and truly gets a lot easier with time.

renaissancewoman101 · 11-04-2009, 12:46 AM

Nidiana, it seems 5 years has passed. You guys have kids together, do you think there could be any point in time you could have a civil relationship with him, where you could have small talk and just see how each other is doing.

I find what you are doing very cold and unfeeling. I am NOT trying to be critical, just trying to understand.

Nidania · 11-04-2009, 01:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by renaissancewoman101

Nidiana, it seems 5 years has passed. You guys have kids together, do you think there could be any point in time you could have a civil relationship with him, where you could have small talk and just see how each other is doing.

I find what you are doing very cold and unfeeling. I am NOT trying to be critical, just trying to understand.

I could I suppose, but he also raped me twice at the end of our marriage, and I don't feel it necessary to see if he's having a good life.

I can be perfectly civil with him, and we can discuss the children for a decent length of time, but I don't much care how his life is progressing, and my own life is none of his business.

I know this sounds like I'm being harsh, the Internet makes it hard for you to hear the tone of my voice, but I'm speaking calmly. I just don't see any reason for him to have a thing to do with my life today.

heartbroken310 · 11-04-2009, 06:25 AM

I find the fact that you still even let him see your children admirable if he did that to you.
And besides, I do not have any kids, but if I did, I would *try my best* to do exactly what you do and keep contact strictly limited to about the kids if the break up was on anything but good terms.

11-03-2009, 11:50 PM	#1
prestonztt Offline Member Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: Oklahoma Gender: Male Age: 20 Posts: 57	How do you go NC when kids are involved? I have always wanted some different insights on how people have done this. I just find it really hard cause it just finds a reason for me to talk to her. I call or text everyday about the kids, but alot of the time I find myself asking how she is doing and stuff. Its just so hard. So any ideas?

11-04-2009, 12:16 AM	#2
king6 Offline Member Join Date: Feb 2009 Gender: Male Posts: 111	I got the same problem. My answer is you CANT. But you can limit what you say to her and how you say it. Be blunt, to the point, dont waste time, make it all about the kids and not them. Dont give them the satisfaction of thinking they exist other then for the purpose of seeing or contacting your children. It is very hard, espeically if you still wish you were with that person. i havent ever been able to have full NC. Its been 9mths for me now, my kids have been living in a different mans home and spending 90% of there time with a different man since those 9mths..

11-04-2009, 12:27 AM	#3
Nidania Online Silver Member Join Date: Sep 2009 Gender: Female Age: 35 Posts: 347	I had to do this, and I still do almost 5 years later. He tried to ask me how I was doing, and I asked him at first as well, but it just made it harder for everyone involved. The thing that worked for me was reminding myself over and over and over and OVER that the only thing I would talk about was the children. This is a little embarrassing, but I even wrote my kids' names on a post-it note and put it where the phone was, so anytime I would talk to him I'd look at their names and remind myself that the only reason I was talking at all was because of the children. Now, any time he asks me how I'm doing, I answer "Is there anything else you needed to know about the children?" I flat out stopped asking, as it makes no difference to me anymore how he is doing in his life. The only thing that matters is how he relates to the kids, that's it. If you have to write it out and post it in big letters beside your phone, then do it. It's impossible to go completely NC when children are involved, but it is extremely important to remember that the only reason you are talking to them at all is because of the children. I can tell you this though. I will be 5 years in on November 14th, and it is super easy to not get involved in his life at all now. It really and truly gets a lot easier with time.

11-04-2009, 12:46 AM	#4
renaissancewoman101 Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: the land by the sea Gender: Female Age: 36 Posts: 8,563	Nidiana, it seems 5 years has passed. You guys have kids together, do you think there could be any point in time you could have a civil relationship with him, where you could have small talk and just see how each other is doing. I find what you are doing very cold and unfeeling. I am NOT trying to be critical, just trying to understand.

11-04-2009, 06:25 AM	#6
heartbroken310 Offline Member Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: London UK Gender: Female Age: 23 Posts: 103	I find the fact that you still even let him see your children admirable if he did that to you. And besides, I do not have any kids, but if I did, I would try my best to do exactly what you do and keep contact strictly limited to about the kids if the break up was on anything but good terms.