Divorce groups

Trader1499 · 11-03-2009, 11:11 PM

I attended a group through Divorcecare.org tonight, it was one that my ex wife was going to.

It was great for me I think. They are a support group that listens to you and all are going through all different things in their divorces. I like this group better than the last one as everyone was so welcoming and warm. They even have a tradition of going out for a late dinner afterwords, which is good for me since I'm trying to make friends now.

It's just one of many things I'm doing to fight this pain I have in me and move on and let go.

simply complicated · 11-03-2009, 11:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Trader1499

I attended a group through Divorcecare.org tonight, it was one that my ex wife was going to.

It was great for me I think. They are a support group that listens to you and all are going through all different things in their divorces. I like this group better than the last one as everyone was so welcoming and warm. They even have a tradition of going out for a late dinner afterwords, which is good for me since I'm trying to make friends now.

It's just one of many things I'm doing to fight this pain I have in me and move on and let go.

Thats great to hear, it's always difficult to go through a divorce, or any tough situation. But moving forward with a group of people who have been there and gone through the same thing you have makes it that much easier to cope with, you can all relate, and as you said, make new friends.
Sounds like this will work out for you quite well. Good luck.

Trader1499 · 11-03-2009, 11:23 PM

Yeah..I'm working on doing the NC thing starting today,, my big problem is everynight I think about her before I go to sleep and fantasize that she will see the changes I've finally made in me, and change her decision and come back to me.

As much as I want this to happen, I have to live as though it won't happen, but it's so darn hard to not do this, because in these moments I'm not as depressed alot of the time because i'm so imaginative it feels almost real.

It's bad for me but I don't know how to not do it. If I didn't have to sleep I'd stay up and practice guitar or read things like these forums or something!

simply complicated · 11-03-2009, 11:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Trader1499

If I didn't have to sleep I'd stay up and practice guitar or read things like these forums or something!

Thats the thing, you've gotta keep your mind busy, find more hobbies, your already on the right track by meeting new people, and people who in are the exact same situation as you are, thats a huge help right there.

As for the thoughts of her coming back to you, what made her leave if you don't mind me asking?

Trader1499 · 11-03-2009, 11:58 PM

Well she loved me more than anything, but I had problems she begged me to get help with for years. I've always had a trust issue, and it broke her heart everytime I made a comment that wasn't trusting as she would've never ever cheated. Neither of us are that kind of person. But I had a jealousy like no other. Simple hug during a normal greet got to me. It was bad.

A main thing is the wall I had up around my heart. Not lettting anyone in, including her. I never shared my feelings with her or kissed her or showed her how much I loved her. Well the day she told me she wasn't in love with me that wall came a crashing down! I actually can cry!

Basically I was insecure and needy. I've never ever been on my own and I've been with her for almost 10 years. This is day 3 of being alone fending for myself in my own place like a man, so that is good for me as being a weak needy person only hurt me.

Anyhow, instead of turning to alcohal or drugs or some other bad addictive thing I decided to fight for myself. I wouldve never gone to a therapist...I'm on my fourth session. The divorce group is a huge step for me as well.

I'm fully aware of what went wrong and how I made her fall out of love after years of her pleading with me to get help. It sucks for me that I had to feel this hell or pain for me to finally seek out to become a good man, but hey, I guess better late to change than never.

She loved me and gave so much and had I been even the man I'm already now in that I understand romancing and showing my feelings due to that emotional wall that is not around my heart anymore, we'd still be together.

She was the greatest, happiest, loving, caring, giving, affectionate, smartest woman I've ever known and I never thought she'd divorce me as she doesn't believe in it, but there is only so much she could take. I had countless chances over the years, but never did until it was too late.

I will do everything I can right now to become strong and realize and help my mistakes. Whether she has a change of heart and sees the leaps and bounds I'm going through to better myself remains to be seen. She lives across the country now back home with her parents which is rough for her after all these years of freedom. I mean we got along before she left, had dinner, watched our shows...did our hobbies together of foosball tournies and we're in an xbox360 clan together. We laughed alot before she left to as I was trying mostly just to stop pleading and just be her friend. I even helped her with all the packing and stuff without getting upset. Hopefully the man she fell in love with a long time ago, is truly doing whatever it takes now and is using no more excuses as to why I can't do anything. I love her unconditionally like a family member or god does, but I too am going to need that NC. I doubt she is expecting me to just disappear as needy as I was, but I think it's for the better. She finally will have time to think without me there.

We'll see what happens in the future. For now I have to learn to think of myself even though thats what I did in the relationship, it's different because I can't keep living for someone that left me and doesn't want me at this point. She has her own problems to deal with.

simply complicated · 11-04-2009, 12:13 AM

Wow, I know full well what trust issues can do to a relationship, I lost what I thought was the perfect woman, not just for me, but literally the perfect woman to my own trust issues, whatta waste of a good relationship.

We've both gone through that, BUT, you actually have a good chance at getting her back, and i'm fairly certain you will, you've already made changes for the better, but I gotta ask one thing. If you rarely kissed her, or ever showed any real types of emotion, with that wall you had up, how did you ever end up marrying her? I mean, you must've shown some effection at some point, what changed that? it's not as though your born with trust issues, you have to experience something emotionally traumatic to make you this way. But regardless, whats done is done, at least you realized what the issue was and are pretty much on your way to solving it, if you haven't already, now the only thing is, how do you plan to get her back? You guys sounded like a great couple, interacting together with foosball tournies and the 360 clan, thats just awesome

Trader1499 · 11-04-2009, 07:37 AM

I don't know how I could get her back. She already made the life changing decision of going through the divorce and moving back home to her family. I have no clue. I'm trying the NC thing now, but I'm not sure if that will hurt my chances if she'll think I don't want anything to do with her or whatever. She's a very cheery and happy person so I don't know what will be going through her mind these next days. She has a ton more support than I do. I don't know...

11-03-2009, 11:11 PM	#1
Trader1499 Offline Member Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: South Florida Age: 31 Posts: 17	Divorce groups I attended a group through Divorcecare.org tonight, it was one that my ex wife was going to. It was great for me I think. They are a support group that listens to you and all are going through all different things in their divorces. I like this group better than the last one as everyone was so welcoming and warm. They even have a tradition of going out for a late dinner afterwords, which is good for me since I'm trying to make friends now. It's just one of many things I'm doing to fight this pain I have in me and move on and let go.

11-03-2009, 11:58 PM	#5
Trader1499 Offline Member Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: South Florida Age: 31 Posts: 17	Well she loved me more than anything, but I had problems she begged me to get help with for years. I've always had a trust issue, and it broke her heart everytime I made a comment that wasn't trusting as she would've never ever cheated. Neither of us are that kind of person. But I had a jealousy like no other. Simple hug during a normal greet got to me. It was bad. A main thing is the wall I had up around my heart. Not lettting anyone in, including her. I never shared my feelings with her or kissed her or showed her how much I loved her. Well the day she told me she wasn't in love with me that wall came a crashing down! I actually can cry! Basically I was insecure and needy. I've never ever been on my own and I've been with her for almost 10 years. This is day 3 of being alone fending for myself in my own place like a man, so that is good for me as being a weak needy person only hurt me. Anyhow, instead of turning to alcohal or drugs or some other bad addictive thing I decided to fight for myself. I wouldve never gone to a therapist...I'm on my fourth session. The divorce group is a huge step for me as well. I'm fully aware of what went wrong and how I made her fall out of love after years of her pleading with me to get help. It sucks for me that I had to feel this hell or pain for me to finally seek out to become a good man, but hey, I guess better late to change than never. She loved me and gave so much and had I been even the man I'm already now in that I understand romancing and showing my feelings due to that emotional wall that is not around my heart anymore, we'd still be together. She was the greatest, happiest, loving, caring, giving, affectionate, smartest woman I've ever known and I never thought she'd divorce me as she doesn't believe in it, but there is only so much she could take. I had countless chances over the years, but never did until it was too late. I will do everything I can right now to become strong and realize and help my mistakes. Whether she has a change of heart and sees the leaps and bounds I'm going through to better myself remains to be seen. She lives across the country now back home with her parents which is rough for her after all these years of freedom. I mean we got along before she left, had dinner, watched our shows...did our hobbies together of foosball tournies and we're in an xbox360 clan together. We laughed alot before she left to as I was trying mostly just to stop pleading and just be her friend. I even helped her with all the packing and stuff without getting upset. Hopefully the man she fell in love with a long time ago, is truly doing whatever it takes now and is using no more excuses as to why I can't do anything. I love her unconditionally like a family member or god does, but I too am going to need that NC. I doubt she is expecting me to just disappear as needy as I was, but I think it's for the better. She finally will have time to think without me there. We'll see what happens in the future. For now I have to learn to think of myself even though thats what I did in the relationship, it's different because I can't keep living for someone that left me and doesn't want me at this point. She has her own problems to deal with. Last edited by Trader1499; 11-04-2009 at 12:04 AM.

11-03-2009, 11:23 PM	#3
Trader1499 Offline Member Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: South Florida Age: 31 Posts: 17	Yeah..I'm working on doing the NC thing starting today,, my big problem is everynight I think about her before I go to sleep and fantasize that she will see the changes I've finally made in me, and change her decision and come back to me. As much as I want this to happen, I have to live as though it won't happen, but it's so darn hard to not do this, because in these moments I'm not as depressed alot of the time because i'm so imaginative it feels almost real. It's bad for me but I don't know how to not do it. If I didn't have to sleep I'd stay up and practice guitar or read things like these forums or something!

11-04-2009, 12:13 AM	#6
simply complicated Offline Gold Member Join Date: Aug 2003 Gender: None Specified Age: 25 Posts: 951	Wow, I know full well what trust issues can do to a relationship, I lost what I thought was the perfect woman, not just for me, but literally the perfect woman to my own trust issues, whatta waste of a good relationship. We've both gone through that, BUT, you actually have a good chance at getting her back, and i'm fairly certain you will, you've already made changes for the better, but I gotta ask one thing. If you rarely kissed her, or ever showed any real types of emotion, with that wall you had up, how did you ever end up marrying her? I mean, you must've shown some effection at some point, what changed that? it's not as though your born with trust issues, you have to experience something emotionally traumatic to make you this way. But regardless, whats done is done, at least you realized what the issue was and are pretty much on your way to solving it, if you haven't already, now the only thing is, how do you plan to get her back? You guys sounded like a great couple, interacting together with foosball tournies and the 360 clan, thats just awesome

11-04-2009, 07:37 AM	#7
Trader1499 Offline Member Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: South Florida Age: 31 Posts: 17	I don't know how I could get her back. She already made the life changing decision of going through the divorce and moving back home to her family. I have no clue. I'm trying the NC thing now, but I'm not sure if that will hurt my chances if she'll think I don't want anything to do with her or whatever. She's a very cheery and happy person so I don't know what will be going through her mind these next days. She has a ton more support than I do. I don't know...