Marriage with kids feels like torture... - Page 6

maelstrom · 07-30-2010, 10:35 AM

Whether he is or not is certainly not for me to say. I'm just suggesting that you should try to have realistic expectations of him so you aren't caught in a cycle of being continually disappointed.

spearntime · 07-30-2010, 10:39 AM

I hear what you're saying, and I agree. I am kind of driving us both mad trying to "make" him do things. I guess I just have to give in and admit that I married a guy who cares more about pornography and looking at other women than me.

I guess I just need to admit that I am stuck with a guy who admitted this to me while i was stuck with him( on purpose?) bc I was pregnant with our first child.

I just have to get out of denial and admit that he may never change and I need to start looking at some options.

No amount of pleading, crying, begging, talking, being nice, complimenting...has worked thus far. So why do I keep trying?

Why?

**sidehop** · 07-30-2010, 10:46 AM

Because you're a good wife, a mother and a person who's fighting for a better marriage in keeping the family together. Don't give up but don't let it consume you either.

maelstrom · 07-30-2010, 10:48 AM

I still think that there is something in the relationship that appeals to you. Maybe you want to fix him, maybe you have a poor self image and so you feel on some level that you deserve this treatment. Maybe you were abused as a child and so this is what you are used to. I can't possibly know this. But I can say that if you find out what it is that is drawing you to this person, and you decide you want to change, that you can change. Once you change, maybe you won't want him any more. But you can't change him and unless you change, then your life won't change.

You can be anything you want. He does not control you. Only you do that. Maybe right now you are giving him control but you can take it back any old time you feel like it.

Blue Spiral · 07-30-2010, 11:03 AM

I'm sorry you're in this situation. There are some people that are just unable to emotionally connect (men in particular, I think), and they should be responsible enough to recognize it and avoid serious relationships.

spearntime · 07-30-2010, 03:35 PM

Thank you everyone. He came home from work and was looking at me. He noticed something, I think. He was very tired and hugged me kissed me passionately and held my hand as we held our baby together. I do love him. I just wish porn didn't exist.

If it didn't I don't think we would be having issues right now. If he found the strength to get over doing that for whatever reason he does it...I think I would be very happy.

He closes down to mainly that. Just that.

I don't hate him for it. It makes me hate myself. I feel very unwanted sexually and that is what makes it so hard for me to be with him.

I just wish I could make him care, make him see, feel the pain I feel, see the severity of the issue.

He is what I want...all but the porn.

Ms Darcy · 08-01-2010, 10:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by spearntime

Thank you everyone. He came home from work and was looking at me. He noticed something, I think. He was very tired and hugged me kissed me passionately and held my hand as we held our baby together. I do love him. I just wish porn didn't exist.

If it didn't I don't think we would be having issues right now. If he found the strength to get over doing that for whatever reason he does it...I think I would be very happy.

He closes down to mainly that. Just that.

I don't hate him for it. It makes me hate myself. I feel very unwanted sexually and that is what makes it so hard for me to be with him.

If you didn't have porn then you wouldn't have issues? Not from reading this whole thread hon. It's like saying if there wasn't alcohol, food, gambling, crack, shopping ... then he/she would not have a problem.

Make this about him and his choices and not outside factors.

You say you are not ready to leave, and that's your right. Then I say your only other option is to tough it out. And keep going to therapy. Good luck.

caveman91 · 08-05-2010, 04:14 AM

Hi Original Poster, Speartime I think,

o.k. I'm probably gonna get flamed all to heck for this. But I really am just trying to be productive and helpful.

I can especially relate to your story. You just accurately described my failed marriage of 5 (closer to 6) yrs. Although, I was on the other side of the fence. I was the one who regressed into porn more and more over the years. Here's my perspective......as a guy when you mostly hear criticism in a relationship, you start to view yourself in a negative light and some withdrawl to sexual release fantasies using porn. Some withdrawl into video games, or work, or fantasy football. But if a guy is hearing mostly criticisms from his spouse then he will probably want to withdrawl on some level. Even if you dish out 1 positive for 1 negative.....people....not just guys.....people will mostly hear the negative.

So I'm going to ask you a very serious question....and if you want to save your marriage you will seriously ponder the question.

Here's the question: Do you primarily 1.) want to salvage your marriage or 2.) want to blame your husband for your unhappiness?

If you answered #2 there really isn't much point reading any more. But if you answered #1 and you honestly mean it then proceed.

If you want to salvage the marriage here is my advice. And I know (trust me I know) its easier said than done. You mentioned that your husband is great with the kids. Great on a given day where he doesn't watch porn........tell him 10 to 20 times all the positives you can think of. If you can only think of 1 thing then tell him 10 times spread out over the day. On a day he watches porn.......tell him 10 to 20 times all the positive things you can think of........and then tell him 1 time (and 1 time only) something like this "when you watch porn....it makes me feel hurt....it makes me feel unattractive to you...I love you and I want you to find me attractive." Focus on how his specific act he did that specific day made you feel and stop there. LEAVE IT AT THAT. I know that's hard to do. But it is not productive to say things "I'm wastin my youth on you. Or you are so inconsiderate. Or you are a weak man with no self-control." I know its tough but if you want to salvage your marriage. You have to start building up your man and not breaking him down.

I'm not excusing what he is doing. In my 5 yr marriage we were in counseling close to 2 yrs. And during that 2 yrs I 99% (I had my occasional re-lapse) gave up porn. But here's really what hurt my ex-wife feelings, when I gave up porn I still didn't want to have sex or be affectionate very much because she still criticized the bee-jesus out of me usually the minute I walked in the door from work.

I'll tell you another reason I find you side of the story a bit slanted. You said the marriage counselor said that your husband was too far gone to help. Look I don't know what kind of incompetent marriage counselor you guys found but I am having a really hard time believing this. The marriage counselor's job is to help the partners view each other in positive light and build the relationship. So I find this very hard to believe.

Look I'm not saying you are at fault here. Or mostly at fault. Or 10% your fault. Or its 95% your husband's fault. That's not the point. The point is you and your husband need to start building each other up if you want to salvage the marriage. And unfortunately, you can only control you.

07-30-2010, 10:39 AM	#52
spearntime Offline Silver Member Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Sunny California (by the beach) Gender: Female Posts: 466	I hear what you're saying, and I agree. I am kind of driving us both mad trying to "make" him do things. I guess I just have to give in and admit that I married a guy who cares more about pornography and looking at other women than me. I guess I just need to admit that I am stuck with a guy who admitted this to me while i was stuck with him( on purpose?) bc I was pregnant with our first child. I just have to get out of denial and admit that he may never change and I need to start looking at some options. No amount of pleading, crying, begging, talking, being nice, complimenting...has worked thus far. So why do I keep trying? Why? __________________ I'm not psychic. It's called LOGIC.

07-30-2010, 10:46 AM	#53
sidehop Offline Super Moderator Join Date: Jan 2004 Gender: Male Age: 32 Posts: 4,297	Because you're a good wife, a mother and a person who's fighting for a better marriage in keeping the family together. Don't give up but don't let it consume you either. __________________ :Please be respectful when posting and follow the Forum Rules

07-30-2010, 11:03 AM	#55
Blue Spiral Offline Gold Member Join Date: Aug 2008 Gender: Male Age: 31 Posts: 515	I'm sorry you're in this situation. There are some people that are just unable to emotionally connect (men in particular, I think), and they should be responsible enough to recognize it and avoid serious relationships. __________________ "I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: 'O Lord, make my enemies ridiculous.' And God granted it."--Voltaire

07-30-2010, 03:35 PM	#56
spearntime Offline Silver Member Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Sunny California (by the beach) Gender: Female Posts: 466	Thank you everyone. He came home from work and was looking at me. He noticed something, I think. He was very tired and hugged me kissed me passionately and held my hand as we held our baby together. I do love him. I just wish porn didn't exist. If it didn't I don't think we would be having issues right now. If he found the strength to get over doing that for whatever reason he does it...I think I would be very happy. He closes down to mainly that. Just that. I don't hate him for it. It makes me hate myself. I feel very unwanted sexually and that is what makes it so hard for me to be with him. I just wish I could make him care, make him see, feel the pain I feel, see the severity of the issue. He is what I want...all but the porn. __________________ I'm not psychic. It's called LOGIC.

07-30-2010, 10:35 AM	#51
maelstrom Offline Member Join Date: Jul 2010 Gender: Female Posts: 113	Whether he is or not is certainly not for me to say. I'm just suggesting that you should try to have realistic expectations of him so you aren't caught in a cycle of being continually disappointed.

07-30-2010, 10:48 AM	#54
maelstrom Offline Member Join Date: Jul 2010 Gender: Female Posts: 113	I still think that there is something in the relationship that appeals to you. Maybe you want to fix him, maybe you have a poor self image and so you feel on some level that you deserve this treatment. Maybe you were abused as a child and so this is what you are used to. I can't possibly know this. But I can say that if you find out what it is that is drawing you to this person, and you decide you want to change, that you can change. Once you change, maybe you won't want him any more. But you can't change him and unless you change, then your life won't change. You can be anything you want. He does not control you. Only you do that. Maybe right now you are giving him control but you can take it back any old time you feel like it.

08-05-2010, 04:14 AM	#58
caveman91 Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Apr 2010 Posts: 157	Hi Original Poster, Speartime I think, o.k. I'm probably gonna get flamed all to heck for this. But I really am just trying to be productive and helpful. I can especially relate to your story. You just accurately described my failed marriage of 5 (closer to 6) yrs. Although, I was on the other side of the fence. I was the one who regressed into porn more and more over the years. Here's my perspective......as a guy when you mostly hear criticism in a relationship, you start to view yourself in a negative light and some withdrawl to sexual release fantasies using porn. Some withdrawl into video games, or work, or fantasy football. But if a guy is hearing mostly criticisms from his spouse then he will probably want to withdrawl on some level. Even if you dish out 1 positive for 1 negative.....people....not just guys.....people will mostly hear the negative. So I'm going to ask you a very serious question....and if you want to save your marriage you will seriously ponder the question. Here's the question: Do you primarily 1.) want to salvage your marriage or 2.) want to blame your husband for your unhappiness? If you answered #2 there really isn't much point reading any more. But if you answered #1 and you honestly mean it then proceed. If you want to salvage the marriage here is my advice. And I know (trust me I know) its easier said than done. You mentioned that your husband is great with the kids. Great on a given day where he doesn't watch porn........tell him 10 to 20 times all the positives you can think of. If you can only think of 1 thing then tell him 10 times spread out over the day. On a day he watches porn.......tell him 10 to 20 times all the positive things you can think of........and then tell him 1 time (and 1 time only) something like this "when you watch porn....it makes me feel hurt....it makes me feel unattractive to you...I love you and I want you to find me attractive." Focus on how his specific act he did that specific day made you feel and stop there. LEAVE IT AT THAT. I know that's hard to do. But it is not productive to say things "I'm wastin my youth on you. Or you are so inconsiderate. Or you are a weak man with no self-control." I know its tough but if you want to salvage your marriage. You have to start building up your man and not breaking him down. I'm not excusing what he is doing. In my 5 yr marriage we were in counseling close to 2 yrs. And during that 2 yrs I 99% (I had my occasional re-lapse) gave up porn. But here's really what hurt my ex-wife feelings, when I gave up porn I still didn't want to have sex or be affectionate very much because she still criticized the bee-jesus out of me usually the minute I walked in the door from work. I'll tell you another reason I find you side of the story a bit slanted. You said the marriage counselor said that your husband was too far gone to help. Look I don't know what kind of incompetent marriage counselor you guys found but I am having a really hard time believing this. The marriage counselor's job is to help the partners view each other in positive light and build the relationship. So I find this very hard to believe. Look I'm not saying you are at fault here. Or mostly at fault. Or 10% your fault. Or its 95% your husband's fault. That's not the point. The point is you and your husband need to start building each other up if you want to salvage the marriage. And unfortunately, you can only control you.