When is it time to give up?

[sonrisa]

Hi everyone,

I'm new here, but I'm really hoping you can help me out a little. See, I'm married to an absolute workaholic. And when I say this, I mean he works like 70-80 hours a week (or more), including while we are in bed together at night and first thing when he wakes up in the morning. We haven't done anything together in almost a year now, and even that was only a quick weekend trip out of town, because his work always comes first. More importantly, though, we don't even talk anymore, either because he doesn't have time or we simply have nothing to talk about since all he does is work.

He's a scientist, and he's been out of town for the past three months, which is nothing new, because I spend about as much time away from him as I spend with him. This means I've only spent one birthday with him in the past seven years, and we've never been together on our wedding anniversary since we got married six years ago. This year, he even missed my graduation for my MA degree.

He's a really sweet guy though, and I have no doubt that he's absolutely faithful to me, even in all the time he's gone. I really do love him a lot, but I just don't know how much longer I can be in a relationship with someone I haven't even had a real conversation with in months. I can't help but feel whiny about this, which is why I've let it go on for so long (he's been like this since we got married, despite our having numerous arguments about it), but I just don't know if I should even bother anymore.

Thoughts?

[arwen]

Welcome to ENA

I don't think that you're being whiny about this - there is no point in being married if you never see each other and basically just share a house and a bed. A few things stand out here:

* him missing your graduation (I mean, some people are not interested in celebrating nth-year anniversaries or birthdays, but this was a personal accomplishment on your side and I think he should have found a way to be there.
* the fact that you don't spend any time together at all, even not the basic daily stuff that being married allows you to do (normally): complaining about little things, unwind together after a day of work, etc.

I think his workaholism is serious. Both me and my husband are in academics- I am finishing my PhD and my husband is postdoctoral researcher. I know how terribly demanding a career in this field can be. But we both feel we have a choice and on certain things we just don't sacrifice for work. It helps that we have daughter in that respect, she is an immediate 'prioritizer'.

Your husband needs a wakeup call. It's even possible that he's not so much aware of this- he's so caught up in his work, and probably sees it as something temporary: "I just need to finish this project, and since my wife is still with me she probably doesn't mind". That kind of reasoning. And before he knows it, something new triggers his interest and he's caught up in a new project/conference/paper/fund procedure...

I would confront him and say you no longer feel you are part of a marriage.

How did the arguments about this go? What did he say? And I can't help but be curious, did you ever talk about starting a family?

[Slagar]

Originally Posted by sonrisa

... This means I've only spent one birthday with him in the past seven years, and we've never been together on our wedding anniversary since we got married six years ago. This year, he even missed my graduation for my MA degree.

This sounds like something you should be talking to him about.

You should be able to express your concerns with him, and have him listen. The next time you see him, sit him down and say you really need to talk to him, and let him know you are genuinely concerned about where your marriage is going. It's upsetting you to the point that you're thinking about calling it quits.

He needs to be able to understand your point of view, and change his behaviour.

Some tips:
Use I statements to express your feelings - don't start with "you's", otherwise he'll feel like you're attacking him, or nagging.
Use a discussion tone of voice, and try to avoid letting emotions take control (it's so easy to want to spit it all out).
Be understanding and empathise with his point of view too (to show you're not just nagging, you know how important his work is to him, but it's just too much for you to never see him).
Look for a compromising solution, where you meet half way.
Don't bite if he starts arguing.

Mmm, those are my thoughts (sorry if those tips are a little too obvious; I find it hard to really learn those simple techniques myself). It doesn't sound like something you'd want to give up on easily, and I'm sure there are a lot of life-altering scary thoughts going through your mind at the moment. It sounds like there is hope for change though, I just hope he is able to listen and re-prioritise.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

He's a really sweet guy though

A sweet guy does not miss important milestones in the marriage, does not ignore his wife's accomplishments, does not act like his wife is just part of the furniture etc. This man is deliberately avoiding emotionally intimacy by wrapping himself up in his work. Do you do the grocery shopping, cook his meals, do the laundry and clean the house...does he help out at all? He may have gotten married to have a housekeeper. How was your relationship before marriage?

[arwen]

I don't know if this is something 'deliberate'. People create habits, and can develop true addictions. In the case of addiction (to work), the lack of emotional intimacy seems to be a consequence, and not directly a deliberate action that is chosen to avoid something. However, deep down, it might be very true that workaholism is driven by a fear of intimacy (but it doesn't need to be, that's what I am saying).

[sonrisa]

Thanks for all your advice, everyone. To answer some questions, I really don't think it's a deliberate thing...I think he's just gotten so used to work being his number one priority that it's difficult for him to think about how his workaholism affects everyone around him. He does the same sort of thing to his family as well...I'm always reminding him that it's his mother's birthday, etc.

And yes, this does seem to be an ongoing thing, where he finishes one paper/conference, etc., then immediately moves onto the next thing, all the while saying that once he's finished with that next step we'll have more time together. I think I've been too accommodating in the past because, quite frankly, I believed him for much longer than I should have, and I think that's only enabled his workaholic tendencies.

I've brought my concerns up in conversations before, but he really doesn't like confrontation and seems to just shut down. Maybe a lot of that is my fault--maybe I'm not approaching the issue correctly and making it seem like an attack on him when it's not meant that way at all.

I'm flying out to meet him at his work site in a couple of weeks, so I'll definitely bring this all up with him then. It's good to know that I'm not just overreacting to the situation. Thanks so much for all the great tips!

[sonrisa]

Oh, and we've talked about starting a family, but only because we've both decided that children aren't right for us. I don't know if things would be different if I ended up getting pregnant, but I'm not exactly trying to find out!

[lavenderdove]

Workaholism is an illness... it's an obsession/addiction with work, just like one might have an obsession with another person, or an addiction to drugs.

I would set up an appointment with a marriage counselor to talk about this... and ways to get him to be able to get a more balanced life. This kind of working is not good for his mental and physical health, nor your marriage and your own life. Workaholics tend to develop a lot of stress related diseases like high blood pressure, heart attacks etc. from the constant stress they put themselves under, and they neglect their health (and everything else in life) in favor of work.

If i loved someone, i would try to get them to have more balance in their life via getting counseling. And if he still won't back off work, then basically you are a work widow, and need to decide whether you are willing to basically living the single life or not, and make decisions accordingly, either to stay and find other hobbies, or leave and find someone not obsessed with work.

If you get really active in your own life without him perhaps you won't care, but frankly, what often happens with these kinds of people is they do eventually meet someone else at work (where they spend 10 times the amount of time with her than they do with you because they are always working). They can frequently leave their wives for that work person because the person also shares the same obsession with work, and they aren't that attached to you anymmore becuase they never spend time with you.

[backsplash]

I have no counseling background but I have years of personal experience with addiction. And addiction is addiction. Sure some are more physically harmful than others, but they come with a similar price tag-withdrawal from ones that we love. Everything else is secondary-children...marriage...While hard work is applauded by most of us, I sense that your gut and instinct are telling you that there is more to it than just that. Something is off and doesn't feel right. That is enough to have a very serious conversation with your husband.is it possible that your husband is a work addict, for lack of a better phrase, and would he be willing to seek counseling, even if it started as "couple counseling"? That might be easier than telling him he has some sort of issue and needs help.

Behind all of this is how you feel and the dreams that you have for your life and marriage. Plenty of couples travel for work and other things, some see eachother infrequently during times...but what do you want? What is your ideal? I think you've already communicated that it isn't what you have now. And while we all make concessions and sacrifices and come to accept our partners-BOTH partners have a role to play in satisfying eachother's dreams.

I am curious-When he misses an anniversary or birthday does he send you a gift?flowers? a singing telegram? or does he flat out ignore the day? is it possible for you to travel to meet him on these special occasions?

My friend tells everyone a story about her friend who is a supreme court judge and I imagine very very busy. One night thy were on their way home from meeting to practice for a folk band they are in. At some point during the practiced, he stopped and said he had to leave. When they asked why, he said he forgot it was a special day for him and his wife and he needed to get to the florist before it closed. When they asked him what kind of day, he said it wasn't the kind they'd expect-every MONTH since the day she said "yes" to his proposal (40 years ago!) he has gotten her a small gift. He laughed and said last month it was oven mitts because hers had burned. But he said that she took over his heart like no one else or nothing else ever did when she decided to marry him. Some may think that is corny or unrealistic or may not believe it at all..but I love the story and it reminds me of what is important in my life. And at least for me, my loved ones are my number one priority.

[sonrisa]

Great points, lavenderdove and backsplash. I've often thought about the fact that work really is an addiction for him, only because workaholism is a socially acceptable addiction, it's not seen in the same light as other addictions. Granted, I'm not trying to compare him to a drug addict or alcoholic, but in many ways, the repercussions on our relationship is the same as if he were...being gone all the time, forgetting important dates, not taking care of basic things around the house...

He usually buys me something for important dates (he had a package from Amazon sent to me for my graduation, for example), so it's not like he just doesn't do anything at all. But at the end of the day, they are basically trinkets rather than anything real. (Does that make sense?)

In a way, I think he does feel guilty for being gone so much, which is why he bothers with sending me gifts in the first place, but I'm not sure he's willing to put more time or effort into things than clicking around on the internet and charging something to his credit card. And again, I feel like this sounds whiny... *sigh*

Thanks so much to all of you for your help! It is so difficult dealing with relationship problems without feeling like you are burdening your friends with things they don't really want to hear about! You're all amazing.