Marriage, she wants it, I want it in a few years. - Page 2

KittyBoo · 07-31-2010, 07:42 AM

I agree with the poster who said that this pressure from her is a HUGE red flag. It sounds like she suffers from significant abandonment issues and is grabbing onto anyone who comes along. Mature people want to take their time in getting to know someone before rushing into marriage.

Do not do what you are not comfortable with. Two weekends of actual face-time is not enough time at all. And like someone else said, you can only really know a person by spending time with them in order to see all facets of their character.

It's understandable that she would not want to wait years for marriage after promises of it and no action on your part but you seem to be incredibly level-headed and are looking at this situation with the right attitude. Your reasons for waiting are sound ones so continue to hold your ground. If she cannot be reasonable about this then perhaps she is not the right girl for you. Just because you share common interests does not mean that you share common values. A shared vision of goals, hopes, plans for the future and character qualities is more important to the longevity of a relationship than the fact that you both like the same game.

Good luck to you.

Batya33 · 07-31-2010, 07:55 AM

What I would answer to the "when are the two of you getting married" is "when the kids are grown". That usually works.

I wouldn't even talk about getting engaged until you've been dating for at least a year. So far you've dated for about a week, right? I wouldn't count the typing and talking as far as getting to know each other for purposes of seeing whether you should spend your lives together because you've only spent a week together. Yes, if you were in your 30s or older I would probably think that more like 6 months of serious dating (in person!) would be enough but with her track record/dysfunctional family and how young she is I thnk this relationship needs more time than that.

What clock by the way - does she have a medical condition that requires her to get pregnant by a certain age or not have kids? I had my first child at 42. Certainly I can see where someone might want to have a child before age 35 if possible but she is only 23. What's the rush? Red flag, unless there is some kind of medical reason.

**annie24** · 07-31-2010, 09:54 AM

I would not get married if you have only spent 1 week in person together. That's way too fast. What I think would be better is if one of you moved closer to the other, and you were able to see each other on a daily basis. Then you'd be able to evaluate if you guys are really a good match. romantic weekends are great, but what about day to day life?

Radarade87 · 07-31-2010, 12:12 PM

Well, I said that we talked about it last night, and granted this was pretty late so we were both pretty tired and nerves were frayed easily. She called me this morning and apologized for trying to put pressure on me. I explained that me saying I want to wait isn't just for me, but for both of us. I want her to have the opportunity to get to know my habits and my lifestyle just like I want to learn hers so that, like a lot of you have said, we can determine if we're really meant for eachother. I don't intend to get married this year or next. THe most that is going to happen is by summer of next year she'll be moving out here and we'll hopefully be renting an apartment together. From there things can progress. I'm still in college and will be for at least another year or two, if not more to pursue a Master's.

As far as the comment about what clock, like I said about what happened to her before. She had to basically become an adult at 16, she was left on her own by her father who up until that point had been supporting her. This was after her parents had devorced, and she moved in with him to try and have a better chance at a life/school because thing's weren't working out with her mother. Then just one day, bam, he's gone, and at 16 she's left on her own for about 6 months. I think it's because as she's said before she didn't really have the opportunity to have those teenage years of gradually moving into adulthood that she feels like she needs to progress things, and I'm trying to get her to see that she and I have plenty of time.

Like any other relationship it's going to take a lot of time, patience, and communication, something we have abundances of. Despite our occasional spats and sometimes blow ups, we still manage to talk to one another and give space to cool off when it's needed. I think this was mostly to due with the fact that a lot of her friends, and really a lot of mine, are starting to get engaged and married, so even I've felt a little bit of that pressure. It's a little odd to see your friends who are the same age, and a lot of them, start getting married at what I think is almost too young of an age these days. If we were older and more stable in both our living and financial situations, it'd be more appropriate, however, for now things are just going to have to go slow.

Btw, I appreciate all of the feedback you all have provided. I guess I really just needed some people that understood to talk to.

lkm370 · 07-31-2010, 04:13 PM

Dont take any offense to my comments but i just cant see this relationship working out. I was in a relationship VERY similar to yours, and Ive heard of these types of relationships, Good guy, insecure girl....they just almost never work out(neither did mine). The more you resist, the clingier she gets, the clingier she gets, the more your pushed away. I mean shes had 2-3 broken engagments and shes bringing up marriage after only a week of knowing you. All of this just dosent sound good to me.

Radarade87 · 07-31-2010, 10:01 PM

No, we haven't only known eachother for a week, we've known eachother for two years, been dating long distance for one.

**annie24** · 07-31-2010, 10:04 PM

but still, i think living in the same city for at least 6 months, maybe even a year, is a smart thing to do. so you two can see if you get along on a day to day basis. at least, i think this would be important for me.

i agree that it's stupid to get married just because all of your friends are getting married. to get married for that reason, you will be divorced soon too. you seem to have a good head on your shoulders and are pretty smart about this whole thing. if she pushes you too hard, though, i might just cut her loose.

Batya33 · 08-01-2010, 07:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Radarade87

No, we haven't only known eachother for a week, we've known eachother for two years, been dating long distance for one.

For purposes of knowing her well enough to marry her I would focus on the length of time spent in person which sounds like it's about a week, yes?

Radarade87 · 08-01-2010, 07:54 AM

Well, thankfully we've been talking about it more and we've agreed that the best thing to do is to give it time and see how things are after we've been living together. I'm hopeful for things to work out since, despite only having spent a weeks time face to face thus far, she's been an amazing friend and someone I trust and love. I care deeply for her but I am keeping my head about it so I'm excited at least to finally have her over here so we can take that next step of moving in. Until then, we'll just have to wait and see how things work out from here on.

07-31-2010, 07:42 AM	#11
KittyBoo Offline Silver Member Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: Canada Gender: Female Posts: 334	I agree with the poster who said that this pressure from her is a HUGE red flag. It sounds like she suffers from significant abandonment issues and is grabbing onto anyone who comes along. Mature people want to take their time in getting to know someone before rushing into marriage. Do not do what you are not comfortable with. Two weekends of actual face-time is not enough time at all. And like someone else said, you can only really know a person by spending time with them in order to see all facets of their character. It's understandable that she would not want to wait years for marriage after promises of it and no action on your part but you seem to be incredibly level-headed and are looking at this situation with the right attitude. Your reasons for waiting are sound ones so continue to hold your ground. If she cannot be reasonable about this then perhaps she is not the right girl for you. Just because you share common interests does not mean that you share common values. A shared vision of goals, hopes, plans for the future and character qualities is more important to the longevity of a relationship than the fact that you both like the same game. Good luck to you. __________________ Today is the tomorrow that you worried about yesterday. Don't worry about the people in your past. There's a reason they didn't make it to your future.

07-31-2010, 09:54 AM	#13
annie24 Online Super Moderator Join Date: Oct 2004 Age: 30 Posts: 31,012	I would not get married if you have only spent 1 week in person together. That's way too fast. What I think would be better is if one of you moved closer to the other, and you were able to see each other on a daily basis. Then you'd be able to evaluate if you guys are really a good match. romantic weekends are great, but what about day to day life? __________________ ENA Forum Rules

07-31-2010, 10:04 PM	#17
annie24 Online Super Moderator Join Date: Oct 2004 Age: 30 Posts: 31,012	but still, i think living in the same city for at least 6 months, maybe even a year, is a smart thing to do. so you two can see if you get along on a day to day basis. at least, i think this would be important for me. i agree that it's stupid to get married just because all of your friends are getting married. to get married for that reason, you will be divorced soon too. you seem to have a good head on your shoulders and are pretty smart about this whole thing. if she pushes you too hard, though, i might just cut her loose. __________________ ENA Forum Rules

07-31-2010, 07:55 AM	#12
Batya33 Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Mar 2006 Posts: 21,164	What I would answer to the "when are the two of you getting married" is "when the kids are grown". That usually works. I wouldn't even talk about getting engaged until you've been dating for at least a year. So far you've dated for about a week, right? I wouldn't count the typing and talking as far as getting to know each other for purposes of seeing whether you should spend your lives together because you've only spent a week together. Yes, if you were in your 30s or older I would probably think that more like 6 months of serious dating (in person!) would be enough but with her track record/dysfunctional family and how young she is I thnk this relationship needs more time than that. What clock by the way - does she have a medical condition that requires her to get pregnant by a certain age or not have kids? I had my first child at 42. Certainly I can see where someone might want to have a child before age 35 if possible but she is only 23. What's the rush? Red flag, unless there is some kind of medical reason.

07-31-2010, 12:12 PM	#14
Radarade87 Offline Member Join Date: Jul 2010 Posts: 8	Well, I said that we talked about it last night, and granted this was pretty late so we were both pretty tired and nerves were frayed easily. She called me this morning and apologized for trying to put pressure on me. I explained that me saying I want to wait isn't just for me, but for both of us. I want her to have the opportunity to get to know my habits and my lifestyle just like I want to learn hers so that, like a lot of you have said, we can determine if we're really meant for eachother. I don't intend to get married this year or next. THe most that is going to happen is by summer of next year she'll be moving out here and we'll hopefully be renting an apartment together. From there things can progress. I'm still in college and will be for at least another year or two, if not more to pursue a Master's. As far as the comment about what clock, like I said about what happened to her before. She had to basically become an adult at 16, she was left on her own by her father who up until that point had been supporting her. This was after her parents had devorced, and she moved in with him to try and have a better chance at a life/school because thing's weren't working out with her mother. Then just one day, bam, he's gone, and at 16 she's left on her own for about 6 months. I think it's because as she's said before she didn't really have the opportunity to have those teenage years of gradually moving into adulthood that she feels like she needs to progress things, and I'm trying to get her to see that she and I have plenty of time. Like any other relationship it's going to take a lot of time, patience, and communication, something we have abundances of. Despite our occasional spats and sometimes blow ups, we still manage to talk to one another and give space to cool off when it's needed. I think this was mostly to due with the fact that a lot of her friends, and really a lot of mine, are starting to get engaged and married, so even I've felt a little bit of that pressure. It's a little odd to see your friends who are the same age, and a lot of them, start getting married at what I think is almost too young of an age these days. If we were older and more stable in both our living and financial situations, it'd be more appropriate, however, for now things are just going to have to go slow. Btw, I appreciate all of the feedback you all have provided. I guess I really just needed some people that understood to talk to.

07-31-2010, 04:13 PM	#15
lkm370 Offline Member Join Date: May 2009 Posts: 79	Dont take any offense to my comments but i just cant see this relationship working out. I was in a relationship VERY similar to yours, and Ive heard of these types of relationships, Good guy, insecure girl....they just almost never work out(neither did mine). The more you resist, the clingier she gets, the clingier she gets, the more your pushed away. I mean shes had 2-3 broken engagments and shes bringing up marriage after only a week of knowing you. All of this just dosent sound good to me.

07-31-2010, 10:01 PM	#16
Radarade87 Offline Member Join Date: Jul 2010 Posts: 8	No, we haven't only known eachother for a week, we've known eachother for two years, been dating long distance for one.

08-01-2010, 07:54 AM	#19
Radarade87 Offline Member Join Date: Jul 2010 Posts: 8	Well, thankfully we've been talking about it more and we've agreed that the best thing to do is to give it time and see how things are after we've been living together. I'm hopeful for things to work out since, despite only having spent a weeks time face to face thus far, she's been an amazing friend and someone I trust and love. I care deeply for her but I am keeping my head about it so I'm excited at least to finally have her over here so we can take that next step of moving in. Until then, we'll just have to wait and see how things work out from here on.