compromise is essential to a successful marriage - Page 2

Soul2862 · 03-10-2010, 08:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sunspot1982

I think one of the biggest reasons why married couples have headaches is because men don't know how to compromise. If more men learned to compromise more then it might save their marriages.

I put these things into practice in my dating life. I make sure to discuss all decisions with a woman I'm dating. If we can't agree to something then I let her have the final word in the matter.

When I get married that's how I want it to be. If my wife & I can't agree on something then she gets to have the final word in the decisions. It would make both of our lives easier the more I compromise.

I'm sorry but this whole train of thought is just plain SILLY! Compromise is NOT giving into your wife/girlfriend whenever you have a disagreement; it's a give and take, picking and choosing your battles and working towards a common ground.

As another poster mentioned, I witness many more instances of the woman not being willing to compromise than I do the opposite, but that's just my experience. Perhaps it's because many people share your inane idea that a man's purpose in a relationship is to please and agree with a woman at all times, even at the cost of his wants and desires?

FathomFear · 03-10-2010, 08:48 PM

What the OP is saying, in a very passive-agressive manner, is that he doesn't believe women can handle not having the final say--whereas men can. Dubious assumption at best.

alli · 03-10-2010, 09:53 PM

I think it's hard to know what the right answer is. Are we compromising the right amount? Who is right & who is wrong? Or are we both a little of each? Life is so confusing.

Cognitive_Canine · 03-10-2010, 10:44 PM

I actually disagree with "compromising" all the time. Compromising entails you both get half of what you want...therefore no one gets anything they really want. The best couples can get 100% of what they want by finding win/win situations.

I know it sounds cheesy but I was lucky enough to attend a seminar on a study on multicultural weddings. The woman found that the couples who compromised by having a generic wedding were less successful than the couples who combined both religions/cultural ideals for weddings. While the families were a little confused, both the bride and groom (or bride/bride, groom/groom) got exactly what they wanted.

alli · 03-10-2010, 10:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cognitive_Canine

I actually disagree with "compromising" all the time. Compromising entails you both get half of what you want...therefore no one gets anything they really want. The best couples can get 100% of what they want by finding win/win situations.

I know it sounds cheesy but I was lucky enough to attend a seminar on a study on multicultural weddings. The woman found that the couples who compromised by having a generic wedding were less successful than the couples who combined both religions/cultural ideals for weddings. While the families were a little confused, both the bride and groom (or bride/bride, groom/groom) got exactly what they wanted.

Well, that's sort of compromising. It doesn't necessarily mean everyone gets half of what they want all the time. I would consider it a compromise if I got exactly what I wanted this time, & he got exactly what he wanted next time. I guess it's just what you consider a compromise & what works in your relationship.

FarthestEdge · 03-11-2010, 11:11 AM

Compromise doesn't necessarily mean diluting what each of you want until the end result looks like something neither of you wanted. IMO, it means being willing to engage in some give and take.

To me though, it's a matter of perspective. Our choices in a relationship should be guided less by what 'I/you' want, and more by what's best for 'us'. You need to let go of the idea that what you want is necessarily what is best for you as a couple. You have to look at each perspective and consider what makes the most sense. When you let go of the idea that if you're not 'right' then you must be 'wrong', then you are able to more clearly see decisions in terms of cost/benefit for the two of you.

Sure there are times where you are going to disagree about what is best for both of you, and there are going to be times that it is important to put yourself first, or to accept that your partner needs to put him/herself first. And in those cases, someone has to be willing to let go.

DH and I have a "putting our foot down" rule for these situations. In the few cases where we cannot put our thoughts together to form a decision that we both agree is best, either of us has the option to say "I'm putting my foot down on this". It lets the other know that it is an important enough issue, that we are willing to endure some conflict to ensure that things are handled the way we believe they need to be. When that happens, it is a signal to the other, of just how important the issue is. In most cases, it is only THAT important to one of us, so we are willing to back down, knowing that we will get the same consideration another time.

You have to ask yourself, will the outcome of this decision matter:

In one day
In one week
In one month
In one year
In 5 years...

I find that helps me keep perspective on what's important.

But always, I try to remember that we are in a team, not a competition...

So it's less compromising, and more problem solving or strategising.

Lisa Brookes Kift · 03-11-2010, 04:05 PM

Really nice that you're willing to compromise! But I think compromise works best when it comes from both partners. That way no resentment builds up on one side around always compromising!

The other piece that I think is really helpful to remember is to "pick your battles." So much of what couples get into arguments about are actually quite small in the big picture - but somethimes they get in a habit of nitpicking.

sunspot1982 · 03-12-2010, 02:51 PM

In my case it's important to me to compromise more often because any woman I end up marrying will likely have a better idea of what's best for us than I do. So I feel like it's not even worth it to do my own thinking. It gets exhausting. It's much easier to let my wife do my thinking for me.

Taikero · 03-12-2010, 04:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sunspot1982

In my case it's important to me to compromise more often because any woman I end up marrying will likely have a better idea of what's best for us than I do. So I feel like it's not even worth it to do my own thinking. It gets exhausting. It's much easier to let my wife do my thinking for me.

It sounds like you want a mother, not a partner.

03-11-2010, 04:05 PM	#17
Lisa Brookes Kift Offline Professional Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: Novato, CA. Gender: Female Posts: 65	Compromise Really nice that you're willing to compromise! But I think compromise works best when it comes from both partners. That way no resentment builds up on one side around always compromising! The other piece that I think is really helpful to remember is to "pick your battles." So much of what couples get into arguments about are actually quite small in the big picture - but somethimes they get in a habit of nitpicking. __________________ Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT Marriage and Family Therapist, Author _______________________ The Toolbox at LisaKiftTherapy.com [Only registered and activated users can see links. ] Therapy-At-Home Workbooks [Only registered and activated users can see links. ]

03-10-2010, 08:48 PM	#12
FathomFear Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Sep 2009 Gender: Male Age: 30 Posts: 1,667	What the OP is saying, in a very passive-agressive manner, is that he doesn't believe women can handle not having the final say--whereas men can. Dubious assumption at best.

03-10-2010, 09:53 PM	#13
alli Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jun 2008 Gender: Female Age: 25 Posts: 3,452	I think it's hard to know what the right answer is. Are we compromising the right amount? Who is right & who is wrong? Or are we both a little of each? Life is so confusing.

03-10-2010, 10:44 PM	#14
Cognitive_Canine Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Somewhere over the rainbow Gender: Female Posts: 15,674	I actually disagree with "compromising" all the time. Compromising entails you both get half of what you want...therefore no one gets anything they really want. The best couples can get 100% of what they want by finding win/win situations. I know it sounds cheesy but I was lucky enough to attend a seminar on a study on multicultural weddings. The woman found that the couples who compromised by having a generic wedding were less successful than the couples who combined both religions/cultural ideals for weddings. While the families were a little confused, both the bride and groom (or bride/bride, groom/groom) got exactly what they wanted.

03-11-2010, 11:11 AM	#16
FarthestEdge Offline Platinum Member Join Date: May 2007 Gender: None Specified Posts: 1,504	Compromise doesn't necessarily mean diluting what each of you want until the end result looks like something neither of you wanted. IMO, it means being willing to engage in some give and take. To me though, it's a matter of perspective. Our choices in a relationship should be guided less by what 'I/you' want, and more by what's best for 'us'. You need to let go of the idea that what you want is necessarily what is best for you as a couple. You have to look at each perspective and consider what makes the most sense. When you let go of the idea that if you're not 'right' then you must be 'wrong', then you are able to more clearly see decisions in terms of cost/benefit for the two of you. Sure there are times where you are going to disagree about what is best for both of you, and there are going to be times that it is important to put yourself first, or to accept that your partner needs to put him/herself first. And in those cases, someone has to be willing to let go. DH and I have a "putting our foot down" rule for these situations. In the few cases where we cannot put our thoughts together to form a decision that we both agree is best, either of us has the option to say "I'm putting my foot down on this". It lets the other know that it is an important enough issue, that we are willing to endure some conflict to ensure that things are handled the way we believe they need to be. When that happens, it is a signal to the other, of just how important the issue is. In most cases, it is only THAT important to one of us, so we are willing to back down, knowing that we will get the same consideration another time. You have to ask yourself, will the outcome of this decision matter: In one day In one week In one month In one year In 5 years... I find that helps me keep perspective on what's important. But always, I try to remember that we are in a team, not a competition... So it's less compromising, and more problem solving or strategising.

03-12-2010, 02:51 PM	#18
sunspot1982 Offline Member Join Date: Mar 2009 Posts: 31	In my case it's important to me to compromise more often because any woman I end up marrying will likely have a better idea of what's best for us than I do. So I feel like it's not even worth it to do my own thinking. It gets exhausting. It's much easier to let my wife do my thinking for me.