Why waiting for a proposal?

[lilypadgirl]

Originally Posted by sophie274

On the flipside, most of the couples (that I've seen on here) where the woman is waiting for the man to propose have talked about engagement, marriage and children through and through. They've had many conversations, the man often expresses doubts or that he is not quite ready, but will be "soon", or says that he does want to get married, but just never quite makes it official. In those case, I think these women are waiting for a proposal as CONFIRMATION that the man really wants to get married.

There are so many stories and apocryphal tales about women forcing men to get married, being the old ball and chain. It's sort of assumed, society-wide, that women are dying to get married and that men do not want to tied down. That, in my opinion, is why proposals remain so prevalent: women feel a bit insecure that men do not really want to marry them but feel forced, so they want a proposal as confirmation of the fact. Most of the stories on here do not involve a flashy ring - the women just want a gesture that says "I WANT to marry you".

And I get that. A lot of times on here too, you see threads where the couple has been together for ages and the man says he wants to get married but refuses to move forward. And usually those couples end up breaking up because the truth is that the guy just does not envision a future with his girlfriend.

So, yes, expecting a romantic proposal on bended knee complete with 10 zillion carat diamond ring and rose petals and a sunset is ridiculous? But wanting some reassurance that the man wants to get married as much as the woman does, and will not later say that he felt pressured to marry her (as I have seen so many times on here)? That's legit, in my opinion. (Of course if you nag for that proposal, it sort of makes the whole thing pointless).

For what it's worth, most of the couples I know in real life have an "engagement" story that goes about like this:
- we were together
- we knew we wanted to get married
- we talked a lot about engagement and marriage and agreed on the time line, and on our goals, and what we wanted to happen
- he proposed, mostly as a formality, with a usually modest ring and a proposal that was sweet but not over the top or some large romantic production
- they got married

Actually, most of the couples I know in real life, it happened that way for them too. They were already "engaged" before the guy officially proposed. They had discussed engagement, marriage, and goals and timeline.

[Firiel]

Originally Posted by petite

I don't want it just because of a tradition, I want it because that's how I want it, like it and wont have it otherwise. I am worth it and if someone thinks I'm not well they can go on their merry way.

Really? So if your mother had proposed to your father, and each of their mothers had proposed to their fathers, and in fact, 99% of women proposed to men instead of vice versa, you'd still want the guy to get down on one knee?

Just went and watched some YouTube rejection vidoes... ouch. That's why you talk about this kind of thing beforehand!

[_Asti_]

The only reason I haven't proposed to my guy, [and it was brought up one night in our many discussions..] was I told him he knew I was ready for the next step, and when he was ready the proposal would happen.

So for me, if I went ahead and proposed, he'd say yes because he wouldn't want to reject the proposal, but still wouldn't feel ready. I wouldn't want to 'force' him out of obligation to be ready for that next step..as thats how I would see it and do see it. If he was ready, he'd do it. So I knew he wasn't, so I'm not about to 'make him ready'

He knew/knows where I stand, and I knew with time and as he acheived certain things that made him more comfortable as a person, as a man, that he would also feel ready and actually take that next step to popping the question, when HE was ready.

I wanted to make sure we were BOTH ready. And all that was needed was just a little more time, I was more than glad to be patient, and I knew his 'excuses' for waiting a little longer were totally legit and not just blowing air to not get married, so I waited for him to be ready, and there's been lots of talk and discussion and we're both ready and we both have said we are ready to take this step, and we're out shopping for a ring together.

The whole reason why I wouldn't pop the question is because of how he feels. In his books, its the guy who asks the girls. So yes, tradition plays a big part in it. I could certainly do fine without an engagement ring, as we have our time line set for a wedding, we have everything essentially picked out and planned roughly and know when and where we're getting married...we've had many discussions over the years and have been very open, and he just wants the 'formality' of things put into place, and wants the proposal and engagement. In my books, its him letting me know he is ready as well. I'm not going to take that away from him, and really..I'm not complaining either.

And looking back, me popping the question when he wasn't ready probably wouldn't have been a great thing. Looking back to then, and looking at the position we are in now..two totally different scenarios, and its absolutely beautiful and amazing seeing him soooo excited and happy and really into taking this next step. I wanted BOTH of us to be happy, and both of us 100% sure we were ready for it together.

[velvette]

actually in my case it's the opposite way around. I'd love to propose, but my guy would have none of it. he wants to be ~the man~ and surprise me somehow. but then we both already thought we'd be getting married from day 1 of dating, so that changes things.

WHEN is not really a question - sometime after school, when we're both able to support ourselves. HOW is what he wants to plan, even though he's not usually very traditional. and I'll let him only because I love him -- otherwise I'd do it because I love planning surprises!

[girlfriday]

I don't know the cases for some women. It's hard to say how realistically women actually believe in perfect fairytales or romance. I think most women HOPE for it and seek for it in the small things their men do for them. In saying so, they tend to believe that if marriage is the man's idea than it most be because he can't live without her. This may or may not be true in some cases. Some men are pressured into societal expectations of marriage and some men are pressured simply by their nagging GFs.

In my case, my bf was the first one to tell me how he felt about marriage. He made it clear that I was the only person he ever thought of lifelong commitment to and that he wanted to live a life with me in it always. Did I expect him to propose to me asap? No. Did I hope it a little bit? Maybe. While I feel the same about him and I have no expectation of a formal fancy romantic proposal the fact that he will show his commitment instead of telling me means more. The fact that some men will talk about it and do it years and years later is unfair.

[annie24]

i think some women also wait for a proposal because if you ask the man, then you don't get a diamond ring from him.

[hexaemeron]

Originally Posted by annie24

i think some women also wait for a proposal because if you ask the man, then you don't get a diamond ring from him.

Yeah, who cares about an enriching, lifetime committment when compared to RINGBLING?!

ugh, lol.

[Parsley]

I agree with what many other people have said, that the idea of a "ball and chain" is bandied about just as much as anything else. It's a joke isn't it, I know that (well, for the most part!) yet still I would have a niggling doubt.

Bringing up the idea of marriage for this discussion (instead of a proposal) could be just as hard for women, for the same reason that they may not want to propose. Rejection. What if she wants to have a discussion about how she is ready to commit to him forever...and he doesn't say it back? I know that it's just as likely that a woman will not want to marry him, but I feel that because of the way we are brought up to be ok and fine with discussing marriage when it may not be on the cards makes it less likely that she would be caught completely off guard.

Let me make myself clearer. I would like to marry my boyfriend one day, but I am in no way ready for it, and he is DEFINITELY not ready for it, and I'm not even sure if he wants to marry me. I am happy to talk about marriage and weddings because they are just something that I like, like I like going for a nice meal, or a night out with my friends. My brother recently got engaged and I was showing my friends their venue online the other night, three girls, whilst my bf and his friend were in the room playing xbox. We were cooing over how beautiful the place was, what lovely things you could do with it, talking about the kinds of things we would like at our dream weddings. The boys immediately started talking about running away and gagging us and whatnot. It's the way things are - I am perfectly happy to talk about marriage in general, whereas my boyfriend will clam up. Even if I am discussing my brother's impending marriage, he will clam up because he thinks that's what I am expecting any day now, because he thinks me talking about a wedding is me saying MARRY ME!!!

When I get that response talking about someone elses wedding (note, not marriage, their WEDDING) how comfortable am I going to feel being able to bring up our own marriage at some point? As certain as I may be that I want to be with him, I know I'll always have that nugget of doubt that means I won't say anything. I will need him to be able to talk to me about marriage, then I may propose, it's not what I've dreamt of, but I wouldn't put it completely out of the picture.

As sad as it may be, I think for a lot of people this is just the way round it has to be, and it sucks, I completely agree. I don't WANT it to be that way, but there's nothing I can do about it. And this isn't just my relationship perhaps just being a bit rubbish, we live with another couple who are SO happy, and in the same boat. I have countless friends in relationships with this exact dynamic.