Tips on how not to be SO available on the early stages of dating. Can anyone help? - Page 3

itsallgrand · 11-04-2009, 11:51 AM

I personally think if you add another element (besides some good advice you've gotten) you can make this a lot easier and more natural.

That is, when you aren't talking to him or with him - don't spend a bunch of time thinking about him. Save that for later, when he's earned it.

Thinking about it won't change anything except limit how easy it can be to interact with him naturally.

arsenal · 11-04-2009, 12:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by brazilgirl21

He only texted me once today saying he was sick. It's still midnight and I haven't heard anything. I'm kind of worried about him, but you know, I'm leaving the ball on his court. As hard as it is.

Sometimes people like having space when they are sick. It doesn't have to be a game. I hated calling my ex girlfriend when I was sick because she always was overbearing and freaked out. I had my own problems to deal with, and didn't want to worry about calming someone else down.

That being said, there is nothing wrong with sending a simple text message saying "how are you feeling today?" or "hope you feel better soon." You can even call but respect his space if he requests it. For example, if you was "is there anything I can do to help?" and he says no, respect that and talk about something else.

You don't have to play these silly games.

pace of ace · 11-04-2009, 12:42 PM

Brazilgirl.

I have read alot of your threads, but rarely comment. You are alot like me, i too suffer form anxiety and i also have ocd so i let my imagination run riot at the best of times.... especially when it involves a girl i'm keen on. I too, overthink it constantly and give myself no end of stress.

Best thing you can do here is take all the advice you're being given and be patient and let it develop naturally, without trying to force it. To be honest, when you've only been seeing someone for a few weeks, should the pair of you really be calling/texting multiple times a day anyway? So what if you go a day without talking? That's far more healthy than speaking everyday with someone you're only just getting to know.

brazilgirl21 · 11-04-2009, 01:20 PM

Thanks for all the advices!

I've decided to give him space today and then tomorrow I can call or text to ask how he's doing.

Does that sound ok?? I'm not his girlfriend so I don't think I need to check on him everyday!

I've been very focused on work today and time is passing quickly with not a lot of anxiety!

pace of ace · 11-04-2009, 01:57 PM

As you know he's sick, there is nothing wrong with sending a text asking if he's feeling ok. But you're right, you're not his girlfriend and i'm sure he appreciates his space as much as you do so i'd limit how often i'd call/text.... i.e, not everyday.

brazilgirl21 · 11-04-2009, 02:29 PM

Exactly, if I REALLY wanted to contact him and it would kill me not to, I'd text/call today.

But there's nothing wrong with waiting to talk to him tomorrow. I will survive.

I told him to take care of himself yesterday. I think he'll appreciate the space and I can call him tomorrow.

And if he's feeling better, he might text/call to tell me about it later today. Let's see.

Like I said, he used to text me every morning and this is the third day he hasn't. Which probably means he wants his space or something is up or he's really sick. Who knows.

ycmanvs · 11-04-2009, 02:32 PM

Are you PMSing by any chance? I know I feel needy when I am PMSing. He told you he was not feeling well. That is why he did not text as often as before. Just relax and focus on something else.

pace of ace · 11-04-2009, 02:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by brazilgirl21

Exactly, if I REALLY wanted to contact him and it would kill me not to, I'd text/call today.

But there's nothing wrong with waiting to talk to him tomorrow. I will survive.

I told him to take care of himself yesterday. I think he'll appreciate the space and I can call him tomorrow.

And if he's feeling better, he might text/call to tell me about it later today. Let's see.

Like I said, he used to text me every morning and this is the third day he hasn't. Which probably means he wants his space or something is up or he's really sick. Who knows.

Brazil, as i say, i've read alot of your previous threads and i sympathise with you on the anxiety thing 'cos i do it all too and know exactly what it's like. I find the best thing to do when you're anxious is nothing at all, 'cos being anxious affects your judgment.

The fact he hasn't text saying good morning for the past three days..... in you're head it means he's gone off you right? but in reality it could be any number of reasons, and most probably not the one you fear most.

Just take it easy, don't go down the road of "Playing games" or thinking "i called last time, its his turn". But dont call or text too much also. I'm sure it'll be fine.

brazilgirl21 · 11-04-2009, 03:03 PM

I'm ALMOST anxious, am NOT pmsing.

But I'm actually much better, as surprising as it seems.

I think since we hungout so much on the weekend he feels like he doesn't need to text as much, who knows. I'm not that worried.

I've decided to just take a chill pill and relax!

brazilgirl21 · 11-04-2009, 09:08 PM

Ok, so I ended up calling him tonight and he didn't pick up. I was kind of worried about his health. I didn't leave a message, people in Brazil normally don't. He called me back at like 11pm and I didn't pick up. Not intentionally, I just wasn't near the phone.

He left a message. I'm going to type exactly what he said: "Hey M, it's C (tries to be funny and speaks in bad portuguese), been definetly M-I-A for a couple of days, I'm so busy this week, I'm finalyzing a bunch of stuff for work and I'm just busy and unfortunetly going to be busy all through the weekend uh, BUT give me a call later up *what's the time/something I didn't get*, and let's try and make a plan for next week. Tchau".

He's DEFINETLY not that into me. I'm not stupid, I've dealt with a handful of rejections and have rejected a bunch of people myself and he's not interested. For some odd reason, he lost interest. I really do NOT get these people. This time, I only got involved because he chased me and seemed really interested and I thought I should give him a chance. Then, he did win me over. As soon as he did, he loses interest? What's the deal? I'm SO tired of this.

I do NOT get this bull sh*t about being SO busy throughout the whole weekend. I mean, NOBODY is so busy that they can't go out with you once a weekend.

I said I'd only date this guy if he was really going to make an effort and I can't handle being anxious about guys anymore. Either you like me and show, or you don't and goodbye.

I know I should probably call him tomorrow at some point but really, should I? Should I just call on Friday? Or next week??

What would you guys do?

I'm SO tired of dating. Seriously, even when I don't like the guy initially and he wins me over, I still get screwed over.

11-04-2009, 11:51 AM	#21
itsallgrand Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: following my grace... Gender: None Specified Posts: 6,783	I personally think if you add another element (besides some good advice you've gotten) you can make this a lot easier and more natural. That is, when you aren't talking to him or with him - don't spend a bunch of time thinking about him. Save that for later, when he's earned it. Thinking about it won't change anything except limit how easy it can be to interact with him naturally. __________________ "The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off." Mal Pancoast

11-04-2009, 12:42 PM	#23
pace of ace Online Silver Member Join Date: Jul 2008 Gender: Male Posts: 687	Brazilgirl. I have read alot of your threads, but rarely comment. You are alot like me, i too suffer form anxiety and i also have ocd so i let my imagination run riot at the best of times.... especially when it involves a girl i'm keen on. I too, overthink it constantly and give myself no end of stress. Best thing you can do here is take all the advice you're being given and be patient and let it develop naturally, without trying to force it. To be honest, when you've only been seeing someone for a few weeks, should the pair of you really be calling/texting multiple times a day anyway? So what if you go a day without talking? That's far more healthy than speaking everyday with someone you're only just getting to know.

11-04-2009, 01:20 PM	#24
brazilgirl21 Offline Silver Member Join Date: Feb 2009 Posts: 1,617	Thanks for all the advices! I've decided to give him space today and then tomorrow I can call or text to ask how he's doing. Does that sound ok?? I'm not his girlfriend so I don't think I need to check on him everyday! I've been very focused on work today and time is passing quickly with not a lot of anxiety!

11-04-2009, 01:57 PM	#25
pace of ace Online Silver Member Join Date: Jul 2008 Gender: Male Posts: 687	As you know he's sick, there is nothing wrong with sending a text asking if he's feeling ok. But you're right, you're not his girlfriend and i'm sure he appreciates his space as much as you do so i'd limit how often i'd call/text.... i.e, not everyday.

11-04-2009, 02:29 PM	#26
brazilgirl21 Offline Silver Member Join Date: Feb 2009 Posts: 1,617	Exactly, if I REALLY wanted to contact him and it would kill me not to, I'd text/call today. But there's nothing wrong with waiting to talk to him tomorrow. I will survive. I told him to take care of himself yesterday. I think he'll appreciate the space and I can call him tomorrow. And if he's feeling better, he might text/call to tell me about it later today. Let's see. Like I said, he used to text me every morning and this is the third day he hasn't. Which probably means he wants his space or something is up or he's really sick. Who knows.

11-04-2009, 02:32 PM	#27
ycmanvs Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: New England Gender: None Specified Posts: 2,836	Are you PMSing by any chance? I know I feel needy when I am PMSing. He told you he was not feeling well. That is why he did not text as often as before. Just relax and focus on something else.

11-04-2009, 03:03 PM	#29
brazilgirl21 Offline Silver Member Join Date: Feb 2009 Posts: 1,617	I'm ALMOST anxious, am NOT pmsing. But I'm actually much better, as surprising as it seems. I think since we hungout so much on the weekend he feels like he doesn't need to text as much, who knows. I'm not that worried. I've decided to just take a chill pill and relax!

11-04-2009, 09:08 PM	#30
brazilgirl21 Offline Silver Member Join Date: Feb 2009 Posts: 1,617	Ok, so I ended up calling him tonight and he didn't pick up. I was kind of worried about his health. I didn't leave a message, people in Brazil normally don't. He called me back at like 11pm and I didn't pick up. Not intentionally, I just wasn't near the phone. He left a message. I'm going to type exactly what he said: "Hey M, it's C (tries to be funny and speaks in bad portuguese), been definetly M-I-A for a couple of days, I'm so busy this week, I'm finalyzing a bunch of stuff for work and I'm just busy and unfortunetly going to be busy all through the weekend uh, BUT give me a call later up what's the time/something I didn't get, and let's try and make a plan for next week. Tchau". He's DEFINETLY not that into me. I'm not stupid, I've dealt with a handful of rejections and have rejected a bunch of people myself and he's not interested. For some odd reason, he lost interest. I really do NOT get these people. This time, I only got involved because he chased me and seemed really interested and I thought I should give him a chance. Then, he did win me over. As soon as he did, he loses interest? What's the deal? I'm SO tired of this. I do NOT get this bull sh*t about being SO busy throughout the whole weekend. I mean, NOBODY is so busy that they can't go out with you once a weekend. I said I'd only date this guy if he was really going to make an effort and I can't handle being anxious about guys anymore. Either you like me and show, or you don't and goodbye. I know I should probably call him tomorrow at some point but really, should I? Should I just call on Friday? Or next week?? What would you guys do? I'm SO tired of dating. Seriously, even when I don't like the guy initially and he wins me over, I still get screwed over.