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Why do so many relationships end after 3 -4 years?? Just a coincidence??


Destiny2112

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I have the impression that 3 -4 years is a certain mark in relationships...

 

My own relationship ended after 3,5 years, my sisters after 4...and I know a couple of friends and friends of friends whose relationships ended after that amount of time as well... I also read quite often here on ENA about relationships ending after that amount of time....

 

Is that just a "coincidence" or just my impression? Is it that people get scared of a deeper commitment and start doubting if they can truly picture a future with their partners or is it that the honeymoon phase is finally over by then?

 

What could be the reason?

 

Do you agree with me? What are your opinions and thoughts?

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Part of the reason is biological, according to Helen Fisher, PhD. The "seven year itch" is actually a four year itch:

 

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My last LTR ended at 4.3 years, the ex's marriage ended at 4 years, and I'm sure I know of other examples. It's also interesting that many new relationships end at 3 to 4 months which I have also experienced.

 

The honeymoon phase, in my opinion, is usually well over before 4 years. Relationships are difficult and take commitment and work. The spark ALWAYS dies at some point, I don't believe that any relationship is immune. Some choose to end their relationships and find the spark elsewhere....and then after a period of time, THAT spark will also die. I think the fast pace of our culture and the constant and rapidly changing media images we are subjected to shorten people's attention span and can lead to a subconscious need for variety and change. This is just an uneducated guess.

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I don't think the spark needs to die if the couple is invested in and committed to keeping it alive or reviving it. It might feel a bit different or very different from that first "wow!!" spark but yup, it's still there. I've been with my husband almost 6 years (and we dated in the past for a few years), married for 2 years and being new parents in a new city and having completely changed my career means that our romantic life and the spark easily could have fallen by the wayside permanently with all of our responsibilities and changes/transitions and especially the "mommy/daddy" mentality. But we're both have strong romantic sides (which can be but don't need to be expressed through sex) and both love keeping the spark alive. It's essential as I learned in the short periods of time when I didn't focus on that because of all the changes, especially new motherhood in a new city. At the very least (or most?) it means that when things get bogged down in routines/responsibilities and fatigue it can make all the difference with a secret smile or our one word codeword for romance. Definitely brings perspective back to what it means, to us, to be committed to each other.

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I have the impression that 3 -4 years is a certain mark in relationships...

 

My own relationship ended after 3,5 years, my sisters after 4...and I know a couple of friends and friends of friends whose relationships ended after that amount of time as well... I also read quite often here on ENA about relationships ending after that amount of time....

 

Is that just a "coincidence" or just my impression? Is it that people get scared of a deeper commitment and start doubting if they can truly picture a future with their partners or is it that the honeymoon phase is finally over by then?

 

What could be the reason?

 

Do you agree with me? What are your opinions and thoughts?

 

3-5yrs is usually the life/death point of a relationship. By that time you're trying to figure out what direction things are going in and whether or not there's prosperity within the horizon.

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Maybe four years is the point where you REALLY know that person and realise they arent for you or come to the conclusion its not the right relationship.

 

It leaves you free to move on to the 'forever' or at least long term.

 

I know loadsa people married for ten years plus who are happy.

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I've actually seen that too. I know so many people who haven't gotten past the 3 or 4 year mark. I was just thinking it had to do with my age group. My one friends relationships have actually been like that. Her one ex was three years, and then she broke up with him. Then any other relationship she has had since has been 3 or 4 months. I actually hadn't really noticed that until I saw that post, but it's true. It's very rare to see people make it past five years. Maybe thats why I've always said I don't want to get married unless I've been in a relationship for at least five years. Any less than that seems too soon. Might be for that reason, I guess.

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Thanks for your input!

 

I do have friends in my age group though, who are in relationships for more than 4 years (5-7 years) now, but mostly one (or even both) of the partners also were in a relationship before, which had ended after 3-4 years. I guess, circumstances in my age group play a big role. I guess after spending a couple of years together, the couple slowly has to decide where the relationship leads to, either marriage (eventually) or a break up. Some might not feel ready for a deeper commitment yet and get cold feet and start running or get GIGS....

 

One of my best friends married her boyfriend last year after being together for a bit more than 2,5 years and they are still happy, just bought a house and are planning a family. So it doesn't neccessarily have to end in a break up after that amount of time ;-)

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I also think that after that time, the exciting "being in love feeling" slowly starts to change in a deeper kind of love, which may not cause the butterfly- feeling anymore that we all experience in the very beginning of a relationship. And I suppose some people confuse this change of feelings with falling out of love or having lost the spark and wonder if something is missing in their relationship. So instead of trying to work on things, some try to get the butterflies, the feeling of being in love back and try to find it in someone else....they start looking for something new and exciting again...only to realize that after being together with the new person for a couple of years, the reach exactly that same point like again...

 

Just my thoughts...

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I have the impression that 3 -4 years is a certain mark in relationships...

 

My own relationship ended after 3,5 years, my sisters after 4...and I know a couple of friends and friends of friends whose relationships ended after that amount of time as well... I also read quite often here on ENA about relationships ending after that amount of time....

 

Is that just a "coincidence" or just my impression? Is it that people get scared of a deeper commitment and start doubting if they can truly picture a future with their partners or is it that the honeymoon phase is finally over by then?

 

What could be the reason?

 

Do you agree with me? What are your opinions and thoughts?

 

I've observed that too. My belief is that for relationships that aren't right due to conflict/major incompatibility, at about 3.5 years it becomes redundantly obvious which relationship issues will actually resolve or not. The first year or two is spent in denial about issues and flimsy attempts to learn to communicate effectively about issues. Then comes serious attempts to resolve issues (perhaps with counseling). Then after failed chances, there's no point in continuing especially if you don't want to live your life feeling stuck and depressed.

 

I have learned that its best to believe it the first time when someone shows you who they are. - Otherwise you'll waste a lot of time and energy (and missed opportunity with the RIGHT person!) The reasons I broke up with my last two boyfriends were for reasons that I honestly saw within the first year, but I for a few different reasons thought they could change/we could work on it, blah blah blah. It doesn't work that way!

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The honeymoon stage typically lasts 6 months to two years, depending on the individual. I'm 1 year myself, my guy, from what I think, is 6 months. Maybe I'm wrong. But yeah, after that, there would be a certain amount of time, whenever it is (depending on the couple, the statistics is always changing), they would reach to a conclusion of whether this relationship should be viable enough to continue for something in the future or not.

 

I do agree with Batya33. I found a paper years ago by random luck (it was oddly placed and someone just left it behind, seriously) and it talked of how love is an action giving. If the action giving is stopped because of the love feeling, then it would be believed as such. But it is an action giving. You be affectionate, cook for another, do something, and the feeling would follow because it remembers the action and the reason of the action. I think it is viable and it does work for me and my boyfriend. I am affectionate by nature. I like to hug. I would tell him I need a hug or a kiss. I like to cuddle. I give pecks on the cheek while we're watching tv. We play around affectionately. And all those love-giving acts makes me feel like love.

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A wise woman (married to a religious leader, mother of 7 young children) said to me something like "when I wake up cranky and annoyed with my husband that's when I make him his favorite breakfast". I actually do more if I can than the typical hug when I'm feeling that way or not feeling "the love" - I try to make a sacrifice or do a favor - or even when I do feel good about us it's always good to practice it because it strengthens it -this past week I held in stressful information (stressful to me) for 24 hours because I knew my husband had to focus on a work project and get a good night's sleep - it was really hard for me to keep it in and pretend to be lighthearted. When he found out he lit up, knowing that I must have really cared to make that sacrifice. Of course an even better sacrifice would have been to try to pretend that I never had to hold it back - maybe next time ;-).

 

Similarly, although I do love and appreciate the hugs, when he goes out of his way to be quiet so I can sleep, or finds my hair scrunchie when I am rushing around looking for it, or puts a bottle of juice in the fridge to make sure that we'll have cold juice after he finishes off a bottle, that to me is almost better than a hug -it's specific and personal to me and shows he knows what makes me feel cared for. Don't get me wrong ,dark chocolate truffles work just fine too.

 

No, that doesn't usually trigger butterflies but think about it- if you create that kind of caring, intimate environment, it's going to increase the motivation to be passionate because you won't have those obstacles of resentment or the ho hum feeling building up.

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