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How do I prove I'm changing to my ex boyfriend?


lala12345

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Ok here goes...

3 days ago me and my boyfriend broke up. We had been together for 1 year and 11 months so almost 2 years. The reason he broke up with me was because I always started arguements, got into pathetic moods about stupid things that didn't even matter, I always took him for granted. Anyways since then I've been trying to get him back. Twice I have said I will change and I didn't (this was when we was going out) but he doesn't believe I'll change this time because I didn't before. I spoke to him last night on the phone and he was really angry, saying there is no way it was going to happen again cus I keep saying I'll change and I don't. I calmed him down eventually, and said "If i do all the things I've promised to do, is there a possibility we can fix this?" he said there might be but he wants me to prove I can change. He said we can be friends until I have proven that I can change and if I prove I can change there is a chance we could be together again. So right now I am in the process of becoming a better person, I wrote down everything I need to change about myself, and I am doing them one by one and I already feel like I'm making progress.

 

The only problem I have is that I don't know how to PROVE I've changed to him? He told me to prove it to myself first; and then prove it to him. I think he will pick up on the way I'm changing if he's around me, and the way I speak to him, but if anyone has any other suggestions about how I can prove I'm changing to him they are welcome

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People do not change in three days...trust me. I felt the same thing when my ex broke up with me and was hell bent on changing my ways but to tell you the truth it just made me mess up more trying to change so fast. I wish i had just left things alone now because I'd be a whole lot better off now than I am.

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Actions, NOT words. That's the only thing that will work....and it will take time. You're going to need a LOT of patience, especially if you're serious and really want this man back in your life. He's right about something - prove it to YOURSELF first, and everything else will fall into place. You might not think he sees, or knows, or pays attentions but believe me he is. Don't try to rush it, don't try to fake it. Change yourself, be patient, and his reactions to you will tell if you things are on track or not. Like I said though; PATIENCE. Let him come to you, give things time to work.

You have to understand why he's a little gun shy - you said you'd change before and you didn't. He doesn't trust you. THat too comes with your actions from here on out...and time. Good luck to ya.

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Listen to Geno, he was in your shoes. The best thing you can do is just to let him go. Don't try to be friends because it's not for the right reasons. It's to "prove" yourself to him and not just spend time and be friends. That puts him in a position of power and you in weakness.

 

Really, change on your own and in your own time. You can't change so quickly, as you know.

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I don't mean that I am going to change instantly. I know It's gonna take a while, I'm prepared to change however long it takes because I am changing for myself as well as for him. I've only just started to change, I know its going to be a while, but eventually when I have changed my idiotic ways, how do I prove it to him? Or will he just realise I've changed by the way I act around him?

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because I always started arguements, got into pathetic moods about stupid things that didn't even matter, I always took him for granted.

 

Was it always your fault though? What made you argue or go into this mood? A lot of times it takes two to tango. It could've been you, him or both.

 

But with that said, when you want to prove someone you can be a better partner it takes time. And if you want change, it has to come from within, not because you want him back. Once you got him back then what? Chances are most people will go back to their old habits because the whole goal was to get the person back, not because you want to change your behavior.

 

Treat him with respect and love, only time will tell when he sees that you are becoming a different person.

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... but eventually when I have changed my idiotic ways, how do I prove it to him? Or will he just realise I've changed by the way I act around him?

 

This is the least helpful thought to you right now. I completely understand why you are thinking it but you should never try to PROVE you have changed to someone. Show don't tell. When you feel more in control of your reactions, invite him out to talk and just be friendly. If he has questions for you, he'll ask. But the worst thing you can do is tell him "I've changed" because real change emanates without a single word.

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I've known for a while I need to change my ways. I'm not just doing it to be with him again, I'm doing it because I NEED to change how I act with people. I'm not going to fall into old habits again because I'm changing for myself not just for my ex. I'm taking my time to change, because I know it takes time. I agree with you LarsWB, it is going to take patience, a lot of it, but I know if I'm changing for myself I'm going to be a happier person

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If this is who you are, then it is impossible to really CHANGE in 3 days, 3 weeks or even 3 months. Real change takes time. Time to formulate a plan and carry it out. These types of "changes" are part of your personality and they are what make you, YOU. The fact that you should not have to CHANGE for any person, except yourself, aside... the best you could hope to do in this situation, at least short-term, is to create habits for the opposite behaviors to those you wish to change. A habit takes 30 days of consecutive successful practice to achieve. If you no longer took him for granted and made it a point show appreciation for him, successfully, every day for 30 days, then you will have developed the habit of appreciating him. You would then have to work beyond that to actually inact true change... which could take months or even years. I wish you luck.

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Right now you're honestly in a confused state. As much as you think you aren't, you really are..

 

How do I know this? Because one post the main subject is your ex, and you asking how can you PROVE XYZ. The next post it's all about you and you understanding that you need to change, and are taking the steps, etc. All posts being within 1 day, actually, within 1 hour!

 

As someone who's been there on BOTH ends (both having an ex beg and plead and attempt to prove, and me as well begging toward another ex and pleading that I've changed); you have to understand/focus on only one thing: You.

 

MUCH easier said than done!! Sure you're replying to everyone (all of which has amazing advice!) that you understand you must focus on yourself. But it really takes much more than that. You have to let it burn. Honestly. My advice? Here:

 

Step 1. No Contact. COMPLETE NO CONTACT. Try it for 1 week. No text/FB, ANYTHING.. See how much it hurts or feels to not hear or see or speak to him at all. WHEN (not if) it begins to really hurt and you want to give in, come to us! And we can move on to step 2.

 

2. This is where you're really tested on how much you're willing to change/become a better person.. When I was burning over my past relationship, one of my friends told me something that I will never forget, and hopefully it helps you: "You have to at least ATTEMPT to be the best you, that you can be. The original you that attracted her. The happy, outgoing, go-lucky, no drama/argumentative you. Right now you're all balled up in pain, trying to make her see you've changed, or begging for her back, telling her you will do anything. She holds the power, you have nothing. She doesn't want nothing, so she will never come back to you like this. In fact, she feels sorry for you, pities you even... When you slowly make your way out of the pain and become a better you, it will become both a blessing and a curse. A blessing because when you DO get over it all, and you ARE enjoying life and not causing arguments/drama, you will LOVE the new you. A blessing. However, you might not want that old person back, if for fear alone of going 'backwards'. A Curse." I certainly agree with SideHop... Perhaps SOME of frustrations/anger were legitimate? Who knows. But if it helps you realize that you need to get over this person and move on, then push yourself to understanding, and TRULY believing, this change is solely for yourself, and not for him.

 

It can REALLY be as easy as 1, 2 NO 3. However many people tend to naturally make it much more difficult... I will tell you this much, however. From the MANY MANY ENA posts/testimonies, as well from my own personal. Once you've completed Step 1 and 2, SUCCESSFULLY... Life changes so much that the rest of the steps don't even matter. When I crossed Step 2, any ex that I was running and begging to be around, have found their ways back to me and trying to hangout/socialize, etc. and perhaps even entertain the idea of reconciliation. At this point you hold the power again, and when you've reached that point, you probably won't be back on these forums (hope you do!); but hopefully you will remember today, as well as truly embrace the feeling you have at that time, and how good.. GREAT it feels, and never go back down the same path again.

 

If you do it any other way, you will just repeat history all over again. It's not about HOW you can prove it to him. It isn't.... When you REALLY have changed... He will notice. Whether he's dating Beyonce or Angelina Jolie... he will notice... And you will know about it too Trust.....

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Ive been reading up online. I know the real way to change is to take my time, the worst thing I can do right now is text him, I'll wait for him to text me, and when I am ready, and think I have changed my bad habits he'll see it in my actions. Texting him makes me seem too needy, and he needs to know I'm not

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Just remember that it's actions and not words. You aren't going to talk him into believing that you've changed. Change whatever you need to change and live that life. If you do, he'll notice that without you needing to tell him, "hey look! I changed!". Good luck and take it seriously this time. That shouldn't be a problem now that you know what is at stake.

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In the same position as you. Right down to the bone, same reason for the break up and everything. I kept promising change, and she told me im trying to change for the wrong reasons. That im trying to change for her and not myself, and that sort of thing poisons relationships. It took some time for me to really reflect upon it but she was right. I thought i could give it a few weeks or even a month and be like "Hey, look at me, im a different person now!" but sadly, it doesnt work like that. Patience is key. My ex lives 900 miles away from me, and at times, i feel like even if i do make the necessary changes, she will never know about them. But one of the key things ive discovered through all of this is that just giving her space and leaving her alone, for however long, is all i really need to show her. It's what i was unable to give her in the first place. If i continue to smother her and beg her to take me back, and send emotional e-mails, it's going to prove that im still living in the past and not working on myself, for myself.

 

Good luck to you, i know i'll need it.

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It's all in your actions. If you continue to tell him that you're changing, but he doesn't see it, it's going to push him away from you even more. It's a real disappointment. You have to be patient and change not to prove anything to him, but because you want to improve yourself. Sadly, if he doesn't want to see it, he's not going to.

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I saw him last night, he said "I dont want to have this conversation for the fourth time, just do what you said youd do" and i asked how do i prove it he sed ill know but i dnt, the only way i can think of to prove it to him is showing him. he wants to be friends but everytime i try contact him to hang out hes busy or whatever, how does he expect me to prove to him im changing if he wont contact me, or be around to see it?

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That's where the line is blurry. I think you should step back from contacting him. He probably doesn't really want to talk right now, and he's going to know that you haven't changed yet in the short amount of time this has been going on. Step back, work on yourself, and he'll eventually see it when he wants to. You can't force contact upon him to show him you're changing. When he contacts you is when you can show him. Don't bring it up, just be a "new and improved" person. Act natural about it. This will have much more of an impact on him than if you keep contacting him expecting him to see change. When you contact him, he knows you're doing it to try to prove you're changing, and in essence win him back. However, when he contacts you, HE will be hoping to see change, and therefore will be accepting of it because he's READY to see it..

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The first step is to give him plenty of space. Try your best to minimize talking to him and just focus on your life and reaching the goals you set for yourself. Allow a few months this way and you will begin to notice yourself adjusting. You will probably hear from him along the way but don't bring up anything about the relationship or your progress in changing. Don't actually try to show him either. Just be fun and cool. When one day you know (not think, but know) that you actually achieved your goal of changing, give him a call if you desire and meet him. Have fun but again, don't mention relationships or anything serious. Just have fun and continue on like this and it will get more serious by itself.

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Lots of good advice here. If I may add, when my ex-g of 7 years broke up with me 3 months ago, I wanted to get back together right away. I started to make some changes that I thought were necessary. But I was a bit of a mess emotionally. I never contacted her for a month and then I sent her an email. She was already in the anger phase of the breakup but I was nothing but nice in response. Regardless, she requested NC.

 

NC was probably the best thing that happened. Why...because a few weeks later and thinking more clearly, I realized the changes I needed to make would take months or longer. Not to mention, after 7 years together, we needed an extended break to heal properly. Getting back together would have been the worst thing we could have done. Three months out, I still feel the same way as my emotions are still not where they need to be. I need to show her that confident me that she first met 7 years ago. That is the person she was attracted to. If I do get that chance meeting down the road, I will not tell her what I have done, I will just show it. But one meeting will not change their mind. If you tell them, they might think you have some kind of hidden motive and that will really tick them off.

 

In the mean time, I've gotten back to the things that make me happy. Even started doing some new things. It is working. As for my ex, she also needs to make changes, but my gut tells me she thinks nothing is wrong with her as she blamed me for all her unhappiness. Remember, it takes two to make a relationship fail. I still love her dearly and she can be a warm, wonderful person. Question for me is, if my ex doesn't change and I have, would I be happy in that scenario. If not, I will be a better person for it in my next relationship.

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Right, this is all very good advice. So you think I should just lay back for a while, and try not to contact him? I think that too because it seems to needy and desperate, and he may not believe I'm changing for real. Ok, so most of what was wrong was my anger got the better of me, I'm starting to go jogging with my friend to release my stress, and when I feel like taking my anger out, I start going to the gym and using a punchback to get it all out. I think he will see when we start to meet up again that I'm changing but I've promised myself that I'm not going to mention a relationship, and wait for him to bring something up. Sound good? Should I wait for him to text me?

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Yeah let him text you and keep doing what you're doing (running and working out).

 

Some other good advice I read on here (I'm wondering if it was this thread even.. I haven't looked at it in awhile) was that when you feel angry to put yourself in their shoes and imagine watching yourself go off on him. Odds are you won't like the way you look so you'll think twice. Another idea was to imagine him as a child. He'll be cute, you'll laugh inside and I hope you wouldn't yell at a child.

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Yeah that isa good idea, i just hope tht i can stop getting in moods, cus tht was one of my major flaws, getting in moods with him all the time, whenever he needed to go to work, or something, it sounds stupid but i cudnt help getting moody cus i just wanted 2 spend all night with him. well i hope eventually he can see the change in me because im not giving up

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Hey lala,

 

I'm going through exactly what you're going. I had a bad experience with liquor about 6 weeks ago, and I ended up verbally abusing my ex-girlfriend. I immediately sought counseling after at my university, and it's been going really well. I learned that my verbal abuse is directly correlated to the bottled up stress and frustrations that I internalize from different situations.

 

As you can imagine, she ended things with me because I severely hurt her heart with the words I said. I immediately went NC and started to work on my life. In the past 6 weeks, I've gone through several counseling sessions, gotten my grades up, have been tying up loose ends and getting ready to graduate with my degree in December, got a nice haircut (it looks fresh! haha), and been hanging out with friends.

 

As far as my ex? Well, she's been texting me here and there about meaningless things, also accusing me of my life going "downhill" because she thought I smoked weed a few weekends ago at a camping trip. She's now in a relationship with someone 3 years younger than her. This guy is in his first month of his freshman year at college; I'm in my final semester.

 

Thing is, I can't worry about what my ex and that new guy are doing. It looks like a rebound situation, but who knows? I'm just going to focus on myself and be an amazing boyfriend for my next relationship, whether it's with my ex or another woman.

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I reckon soon enough he will text me, I've got a positive attitude, and if he's giving me a chance to change, and when he's ready to see that, I reckon we will get back together, but for now I'm working on myself, working out, releasing my stress that way and not on him, I'm waiting for him to start contacting me, build things from there. I'm sure things with me and him will work out, cus he will see the change in myself, and that I am a happier, and lot less angry person than I was before. He'll see, and he'll make things right again

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