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He ditched me on our anniversary...


Lauracs

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I feel so low. I don't know if I'm overreacting or being unreasonable. It was my boyfriend and I's one year anniversary and we went for a meal, he didn't get me anything but said "I was going to buy you flowers but just didn't". However I kinda expected this disappointment because on valentines day he didn't bother either whereas I got him gifts and he turned up empty handed and I felt like such a fool. I had considered getting him an anniversary gift but I really didn't want to feel that way again. Then his friends had invited him to their flat so he pretty much just left me to go be with them.. I don't have a problem with him spending time with his friends, of course not, but just felt like he had rather been with them the whole time than with me so should've just left me earlier.

 

He told me he wasn't going to inform me that his friends had invited him because he was worried about how I'd "react". Well yes I think me being pretty hurt by it is a normal reaction, or is it?

 

And the irony being that whenever we would be together like we'd planned a day out and he'd randomly get invited elsewhere with his friends, I'd always just tell him to go because I didnt want to seem like I was stopping him from seeing them. So he'd leave me and I'd go home and spend the rest of the night alone and feeling bitter. Then oneday his friend decided to have a go at me saying it felt like I was "taking his best friend away from him"... yes, I'm definitely stopping him seeing his friends by telling him to stop spending time with me and to be with them instead. This just felt like a slap in the face.

 

What does everyone else think?

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Feels to me like he was just lazy. I would never just say 'i was going to do X but /shrug i just didnt'. That is a lame and hurtful thing to say.

 

*sends over virtual hug*

 

There is a lot of horrible guys in the world. You deserved better than him. So sorry you had to go through that.

 

Really dont know how so many guys can be so callous and cold, as to leave their girlfriend behind on her own, whilst they go off and have fun. Trouble is, i hear it all the time and its depressing. Worse is that i belong on the same team as them.

 

I wish the best for you in your efforts to heal from this.

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I do feel like I make a huge effort whereas I don't get the same back from him. I've told him this and complained that he isn't romantic and he said "i am romantic, I enjoy kissing and cuddling you"... how is that romance? That's no different from what other couples do, that's just showing affection, not going out of your way to show someone how much you care.

 

I think I should take a step back, see my friends for a bit and have some of my own time. Then maybe he'll have time to think things over and realise what's going wrong?

 

I'm quite insecure and I have trust issues but I had gotten over these and at the beginning of our relationship I was fine, but then I was invited to his friend's flat party where I met some my boyfriend's friends (he never introduced me to anybody there..) and basically it was all just screaming girls hugging him and saying "I love you!" and I was already a bit upset because a 'friend' had been posting on FB that I was "ugly" etc :S so I wasn't in a super happy mood at the party, so instead of trying to take my mind off it and cheer me up, my boyfriend left me alone in a room whilst he went off with everyone else and only came back into the room I was in to get more booze. I decided to leave and he was like "do you want me to walk you to the train station?" "No" "okay bye". ... I also feel like I can't trust him because he made the mistake of telling me he'd cheated on previous girlfriends and then after one of these flatparties he told me he "woke up next to a girl" he's friends with. And I was like.. right. But apparently nothing happened, she was just there when he woke up.

 

Sometimes I feel like I'm being an idiot but other times I want to believe him and know he's not hurting me. But it's that way where you don't want to make a fool of yourself and invest trust in someone just for it to turn out it wasn't worth it all along. I doubt he'd feel comfortable if I did half the things he has.

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Well yes I think me being pretty hurt by it is a normal reaction, or is it?

 

It is a normal reaction. I would be pissed off if my boyfriend ditched our one year anniversary to spend time with his friends. I mean, it's one special day that happens once a year (my bf and I are currently celebrate each month). How hard can it be to sacrifice and spend it with someone you love/care about? And if he really cared about you, he would value it just as much as you do. You're not overreating or being unreasonable at all.

 

That being said, how often do you guys spend time together? If you're always together then that explains why he's having to pull away and be with his friends so often. Give him copious amounts of space and see how it goes.

 

No presents is a bad sign too. He doesn't sound like he really gives a damn about you at all. Like someone else said, you're much more invested than he is and that is not good. There needs to be a balance somehow.

 

And his friend is a douche for saying that about you. He shouldn't have said it.

 

ETA: I think you should do what you said above and pull back a bit.

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The thing is this ---- do you want to be treated this way? Is this what you see in your future? To be with a guy who fails some sort of romantic gift on valentines day or an anniversary?

 

He isn't going to change. He certainly won't change if you are complaining to him (just human nature.)

 

My advice is to distance yourself. Find other things to keep yourself busy besides your bf. The next time you two talk try to keep it light and not come off as accusatory but just mention "hey I just feel really lousy when I plan a special night together and you take off early" or "I would really appreciate a card or a flower just to know that you thought of me on valentine' day". If he doesn't get it then he certainly won't.

 

You determine your value not your bf.

 

You need to tell yourself. Sure, he's handsome and I laugh quite a lot when times are good but I really need to have special intimate moments with my guy or I really need a guy who goes out of his way to show me he thinks of me and well this guy just isn't that guy. Stop making that square peg fit a round hole! Don't sell yourself short in making excuses for him. He just may not be the guy for you at this time.

 

Take some time to think it over. Make a list of 10 things that you need from a relationship. How many of those is he actually meeting?

 

Good Luck

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I'm not going to make him into someone he isn't or try to change him in any way, but expecting at least some form of a gift even if it was homemade or one single flower, that would've blown me away and made me happy. I was working the day before valentines day and served lots of guys who were buying their wives or girlfriends gifts and in my head I thought "yeah my boyfriend will have probably gotten me something" I suppose I built up my expectations and was let down. But I'm not expecting him to learn rocket science, giving someone flowers or a small gift isn't difficult to do, but putting no thought into it and not even bothering, how am I meant to feel about that?

 

Sometimes I just think if I were a different girl who he was head over heels with then he'd treat her differently, that it's just because he doesn't really feel that strongly for me that things like these arent something he feels in his nature to do.

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He is putting his friends above you. It's up to you whether you put up with it or leave. He is doing it because he can and you accept it. There's another guy out there who will remember special days AND make sure that there is no doubt that they appreciate you. Please don't put up with this guy - he is just using you as a time-filler until a girl comes along with higher self esteem and he will drop you like a hot potato to wine and dine her because she expects it.

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He's a typical immature loser. You can do a lot better.

 

edit: I just read your other post, where he left you in a room by yourself at a party and just came in to get booze. That's unbelievable. He couldn't care less about you. He doesn't deserve a girlfriend who'll remember his name much less his anniversary.

 

Think of it this way. You want a guy who'll care about you and be considerate of your feelings? A guy who wants to actually spend his time with you and have that time be meaningful and sweet? He's out there, and the longer you're with this jerk then the longer you go without trying to find someone right for you. It's hard to leave someone you've been with for a while, especially at your age, but you should dump him asap and move on.

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So why waste more time on what you feel is a mediocre relationship? There is a guy out there who will be head over heels for you... but you won't find him if you are settling for less than you desire. At 19 you still have so much ahead of you - enjoy your youth!

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You should never have to beg for your boyfriend to to put your relationship first. Not that you have yet, but it will happen. It did to me. I am the 40 year old version of you. I think some part of them do love us, but all bets are off if it conflicts with their "good time". What i did with mine was buy a gift, but keep hidden until his came out first. If none, then mine went back to store or i keep it for me. When a relationship becomes one sided, it is time to RUN. Start not being the first one to call/text or make the plans for you both. Make your own plans to go out with your friends. It's a win win, gets you reconnected with a support system and if you do breakup it will help ease the pain. Good Luck. Signed, New Breakup Girl

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I was wondering if you have some friends to go to the movies with or just spend time with when he is with his friends? He is making some effort to spend time with you and his friends know about you and his Facebook friends also know about you, even if they are being mean. Then he turns around and splits on special days and doesn't give you gifts. So you are right that there is ambivilence and this feels bad. If you went to his friend's and a bunch of girls were there and he ignored you, didn't introduce you and you didn't know anyone, I am glad that you left. Even if you aren't ready to open the door to seeing other men, maybe you could find some other things to do when he is with his friends. You don't have to do the same types of things he is doing if you don't want to. I am not sure how much time is ok for him to spend with friends and how much with you, but you can both have time with friends I think. Make some plans with some other people besides him. Then look at it again once you have done some activities with other people.

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I do see my friends, I have a social life where he isn't involved and so does he. Some of his friends only knew about me and had me on Facebook because I'd already met them before starting to date my boyfriend. Other than that when I've met his other friends or random girls they've always asked "oh are you two going out?" "yeah" "oh wow I had no idea! how longs it been?" "a year" "REALLY?!" its like yeah we've been together that long and single girls he hangs around with at parties don't even know I exist.

 

One thing which made me angry was that because some of my friends who he is also friends with/knows but I'm closer to them, would have birthday parties or whatever and therefore he'd always be invited along because my friends would feel the need to ask him because it's like polite yknow, invite Laura's boyfriend too. Whereas when his friends had parties I was never invited, and I know I don't know some of them so obviously I wouldn't have been asked, but it'd be things like him going on Facebook and being invited to his friends birthday where he's written "massive birthday night out! invite EVERYONE you know!" and my boyfriend said "oh I think I will go *attending*" and just didn't say anything to me when I was sitting right next to him. And I know sometimes you just want to hang out with your friends without your girlfriend there, but it's not like he ever invited me even to one single party to meet people. Apart from that time he ditched me, where I had to pretty much invite myself... and he insists he was going to ask me to come along eventually, which I think is bull * * * * because he knew about it for ages and it was his friend who asked me. He also once said "what are you doing on Tuesday?" "oh nothing really" "oh well I'm going to my friends party, its going to be awesome!" "okay have fun". It just seemed like he was rubbing it in...

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There is a multitude of things here that make the relationship out of balance:

- you both have a different value system, a very different way of expressing feelings, and certainly a difference in the definition of what entails 'romance'. That in itself doesn't need to be a problem, however it requires communication to understand were each other is coming from. For you it is important to celebrate anniversaries, Valentine's day etc -for him that is not important. Just because many other people add value to these days doesn't necessarily make it a prerequisite for a happy relationship. (I couldn't care less for any of these special days; for a relationship to work you should try to make your partner feel special and be grateful for their existence in your life on a daily basis). You need to express to him that these things are important to you, while you listen to how he likes to express his emotions etc to you.

 

- you agreed him spending time with his friends, while you actually are very far from agreeing. Yet you haven't communicated your true feelings to him. That makes you partially responsible for your own disappointment and resentment. Do not agree with someone when you are feeling very differently about it. You have to speak up for yourself, because he is not going to do that for you. Next time when a situation like this comes up, you could tell him that 'you were hoping to spend some quality time with him and would be disappointed if he would change your plans, however the decision is his to make' - that gives him the opportunity to think about what is more important to him and he can make an informed decision. If he still prefers to see his friends you know that he doesn't care much for your feelings. However, if you never tell him what your feelings are you can't blame him for ignoring them.

 

While the two points above a general things to think about (for any relationship), I think this particular guy is really not the right match for you. Making this relationship work and ensuring your happiness doesn't seem to be his priority. You shouldn't stay with someone who doesn't respect you and takes your feelings seriously (he doesn't have to agree with your feelings all the time, but he HAS to take them seriously and try to find a compromise with you).

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If he is constantly going to group parties where you could be invited and there are other women going and he doesn't take you, then frankly, he doesn't really see you as that much of a 'couple', more like a casual date or FWB sex partners.

 

This could be for any number of reasons from him not really wanting a steady GF because he sees that as cramping his style, to his being more interested in male bonding than anything, yet he has a 'GF' to have sex with, but relies on the male buddies for emotional bonding. Or perhaps he's just not that into you, and is using these parties as opportunities to meet other girls and will leave when he finds one he likes better. Many men hate sexual dry spells, so they will hang onto one GF until they feel they have another good prospect lined up.

 

But the bottom line is he is treating you in a way that makes you unhappy. You either need to tell him you're unhappy with this and want to start attending these parties with him, but if he says no, then you probably need to find a guy who treats you better. And it is kind of cheesy of him to avoid getting you a little present on an anniversary or valentine's day... even the thickest dolt knows that is important to most women.

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