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My teenager daughter hates me and treats me with contempt


buddy1chi

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I found the site because I googled "my teenage daughter hates me, why" I have 3 daughters (22, 17 & 14) My relationships with my two oldest daughters are both wonderful and I can't remember ever feeling this way with them ever. We have just had our latest incident and as usual I am hurt and upset. She treats me with contempt most of the time and it is killing me. Our relationship has (up until last year) has been extremely close. We as a family spend a lot of time together. I don't know what I did wrong, but this is making me feel horrible about myself. I honestly don't know what to do. It is bringing forth a lot of issues for me and I don't know were to turn. I am trying not to take it personally, but it is not easy. Anybody else feeling this way?

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Though I don't have any children I come from a bad family so I understand how you feel.

 

My mum frustrates me and makes me angry a lot of the time but I do love and I am sure your daughter feels the same way.

 

I don't get along well with my Dad or my brother. My Brother is obviously mentally ill but my Dad has been very mean recently so I don't talk to him very often anymore. When he tells me something I tell him to go away from me. It broke my heart today when he was happy about something important and I told him I did not care, but I can't keep on letting him treat me however he wants to just because he is in a bad mood. You've got to look after your own self respect.

 

I think you need to take the same stance with your daughter because if you don't it could grow into something unmanageable. You need to sit her down and talk to her and find out what is the matter.

 

If it is like my brother and she has some mental problems then I will be praying for you.

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Don't worry, despite it all I'm sure your daughter still loves you very much.

 

I think it's normal for teenagers to go through phases.

 

Do you think that maybe she has been sexually assaulted? I know that may seem like an odd question. But when that happened to me, I know my mom was the focus of much of my anger.

 

If her behavior is really abnormal, maybe you could seek advice from a counselor.

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I think this is relatively normal behavior. While I don't have a teenage daughter, I WAS one.. I was the daughter from hell. Disrespected my parents BIG time, "HATED" my mom, was just basically a piece of crap. I would sneak out, drink, do drugs... but I grew out of it when I went to college and you know what? Now my mom and I have an AMAZING relationship.

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Unfortunately children have every right to hate their parents. You can enforce rules and guidelines in the household that they must abide by as long as they live there but you can't make them love you. You can't make them forgive you when you make mistakes. You can't really do anything about how they feel about you on the inside.

 

So very true.

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the OP never said that she has done anything to her daughter.

 

OP, I agree it's a kind of phase which is normal, but even still it's possible she might have perceived something you've done wrong against her. Or it could be something else in her life that is bothering her. Perhaps you could sit down with her and ask her what is wrong.

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I don't have a teenage daughter, but I remember becoming openly angry at my father around the age of nine. I didn't even know why at the time. As an adult, I realized in therapy that was the the same year my mother started sleeping on the couch. It appears that I was aware of some friction with them and was holding him responsible for it.

 

Are there problems in the marriage? How is her relationship with her other parent and her siblings? Has anything in the household or in her life at school or with peers changed? Is it possible that she, as the baby of the family, is spoiled at all and becoming disrespectful in general?

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at 14 i was like that too. i never truly hated my parents i was just really frustrated and lost. i hope my parents forgive me for how i was and am to them.

 

maybe something in her life is bothering her, and she's taking it out on you. do you think you could get one of her siblings to help her through it?

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what are you one of those strict parents? for example unreasonable rules where it doesnt allow a teenager to have a life?

how about you go speak to your daughter instead of chatting away here...i hate strict parents because i am a victim of strict parents myself. I dont enjoy family outtings, i enjoy outting with friends but i am not allowed to due to stupid curfew and other insane rules..

 

just go talk to your daughter perhaps? and listen.

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I found the site because I googled "my teenage daughter hates me, why" I have 3 daughters (22, 17 & 14) My relationships with my two oldest daughters are both wonderful and I can't remember ever feeling this way with them ever. We have just had our latest incident and as usual I am hurt and upset. She treats me with contempt most of the time and it is killing me. Our relationship has (up until last year) has been extremely close. We as a family spend a lot of time together. I don't know what I did wrong, but this is making me feel horrible about myself. I honestly don't know what to do. It is bringing forth a lot of issues for me and I don't know were to turn. I am trying not to take it personally, but it is not easy. Anybody else feeling this way?

 

 

I'm a mother of two grown daughters. I feel lucky that my children did not treat me as you are describing, at least, not very often. There were times, though, when they were snotty and dishonest and had contact with the types of friends every parent fears (drugs, promiscuity, etc.).

 

I will be willing to bet that some elements listed here are ones that you should try to get a handle on immediately:

 

1) Does she have any new friends recently, as from myspace? I am not slamming myspace in general, but it could be that she has met up with some kids who have not been so fortunate in their family life, and they hate their parents and it might look appealing or "in vogue" to your teen to hate one's parents. Also, do you know who her friends are? You might want to find out who they are and what everyone does when they get together.

 

2) Is she being bullied at school? Does she feel unprotected from this, if it's the case?

 

3) Does she keep saying "you do not understand me!!" If so, then find out what it is that she wants you to understand.

 

4) Do you model appropriate behavior at home? Are you single and dating? Or are you married, and is your marriage strong? Is she seeking a strong father figure? Mother figure?

 

5) You mentioned "up until last year". What happened last year?

 

6) What was the topic of your latest incident?

 

The more information you provide, the better help I (and others here) will be to you.

 

Perhaps you have already set down good boundaries and consequences and this is why she is upset. You can also speak with your older children and see if they have any insights into why your young teen is acting out. One important thing to try to remember is to try hard not to let her see when she hurts you (even if she really, truly hurts you through words, actions, etc.) You can cry behind closed doors and you can post on here for support. Hope at least some of this is helpful...good luck...I feel your pain!

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Sarati has some EXCELLENT questions...

 

Some other thoughts -

 

How much time do you spend listening to the subtext of what she says (the meaning behind the words)? i.e., "Rachel's parents let her stay at the concert until 1 a.m. and she's 14." (subtext: you're not as cool as Rachel's parents) "Just once, I'd like to say I'm going out and have you not ask me where I'm going and when I'll be back!" (subtext: you should treat me like an equal!)

 

Once you have the meaning behind the words, you can deal with the core issues. Don't like the bedtime? Earn a later one. Don't like the curfew? Maintain it for three months and earn an extra hour. Another three months without a failure (i.e., late w/no communication)? an extra hour. And so on.

 

At her age you can't blame her for wanting you to hand over the house keys, the car keys, and a box of condoms, then turn a blind eye! However it's up to you what kind of parent you are, and trying to emulate someone else's will only get you in seven hundred kinds of trouble ](*,)

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I don't have daughters, just a son. He never did that. We had disagreements when he was a teenager, but boys just kind of ignore you when they are mad. My brother, on the other hand, has three daughters and two of them are exactly how the poster described her daughter. It's normal for girls, nothing to worry about. They always come around eventually.

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