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First date after break up and I feel lost


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For the first time in my life Im doing everything right.

I have let him go with dignity (sometimes I ask myself, if it wasn't even too much), I have sticked to NC for 4 months now, and Ive started dating again.

I have put up such a huge effort that sometimes I wonder how can it be that Im still alive.

 

So I went out tonight and had a lovely dinner and conversation with a work colleague who asked me out. We had a lovely night and I can't say one single thing against him; I also kept telling myself that new guys don't have to be "the one" but just new friends. But I already know, it won't work. It felt like being with ... myself, with nothing to learn.

 

Im home now and I miss my ex boyfriend so much, just so much that it's hard to find the words. Like missing an arm or something that completed me perfectly and I don't know where Ill be able to find anymore.

 

I know this is normal. I know that time heals all.

But I wonder I just wonder when I will start feeling whole again.

 

If somebody is having the same experience, Id love to share thoughts with you, it would help a lot. Thank you so much for reading me.

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I've had the same experience too. Initially I thought that enough time has passed and that I was okay enough to go on dates but I'd always come home feeling lonely afterwards. I'd find myself comparing the date with the ex and the whole thing just made me miss the ex more. So I just wasn't ready. And like everyone else who's replied, it'll just take a little more time, that's all.

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I can't even think about going on a date yet. It's only 1 month out from being dumped for me but I know it will be a long time before I am ready for a date. It's actually a scary thought. I have not dated in like 11 years. But it's OK not to be ready to date. So we need time to heal? Then we deserve time to heal first. There's no rush. I mean we would all love to be healed now and not have to go through the pain but it's part of the process and we are where we are. For now all we can do is accept where we are at and keep putting one foot in front of the other. Someday it has to get better.

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Yup, pretty much everything you said is spot on. The only contribution I'd like to make is this:

 

Many people will say "don't date until you're ready" and, while I agree with this, I think there's a tendency to wait way too long. People do things all the time that they don't feel like doing (go to work, go to the gym, etc) but they do it because they know it's what's right for them.

 

If you reach a point where you're obsessing over the ex and you're in a huge rut, you should keep dating casually. Set the proper expectations and keep viewing it as a way to have fun. Even though I haven't found anyone special since my ex, casual dating played a big role in helping me get out of the mindset that only being with the ex will make me happy. It's a great reminder that there are tons of other people out there, even if you haven't met the ideal one yet. Just keep letting time to its thing and try to have a ton of fun in the meantime!

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Thank you guys

 

it meant a lot finding your words opening the thread again; the comfort you get from somebody who's been there or experiencing the same thing right now is priceless..

 

even if I know that there's no real answer

even if I know I have to keep up the struggle on my own

 

sharing feels good

 

The thing is (and I don't know if any of you have experienced this) I have detached or tried to detach from my own deeper feelings so much, in these last months, just to survive the pain, that sometimes I feel Im being too detached or too "good" in seeing things from above for my own good. Like:

 

- i don't feel the need of other men attention on me cause Ive learned at a very hard price that you gotta be emotionally self-sufficient. So all the usual tips on the line "dating will make you feel stronger and more confident" are having no effect on me; as some of you say, Im more scared of unwillingly hurting somebody else than interested in being flattered. What sort of woman am I becoming??!

 

- My ex has started dating somebody less than 3 weeks after we broke up (better, since the last time we really talked, cause the word "breaking up" still has never been mentioned!!) and Im putting all my energy not thinking this is just a rebound but believing that either it is or not our chances to be together are too slim for me to bother about the whole rebounding thing. It's like trying to survive an awful headache without painkillers. I wonder if this is not the reason I can't really have "lots of fun" going out with others; I feel like a freakin war machine right now, how can you enjoy a date with this attitude?

 

Ok, enough of rambling

I just wanted to say thank you. You helped me; your wisdom, and courage, and just the fact of being there, somewhere, relating to my feelings.

 

blessings

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I've gone on dates with a couple of guys. They distract me somewhat and they're fun but they're not him so it's sh*tty. Sometimes I ask myself how he feels when he's with other girls though guys seem to have no problem moving on to the next one.

 

LOL yes, probably all my rambling could have been summarized in what you said. This is what I feel, and don't admit it.

How can it be SO easy for him (at least, from what it seems)??!!

blah

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- My ex has started dating somebody less than 3 weeks after we broke up (better, since the last time we really talked, cause the word "breaking up" still has never been mentioned!!) and Im putting all my energy not thinking this is just a rebound but believing that either it is or not our chances to be together are too slim for me to bother about the whole rebounding thing. It's like trying to survive an awful headache without painkillers. I wonder if this is not the reason I can't really have "lots of fun" going out with others; I feel like a freakin war machine right now, how can you enjoy a date with this attitude?

 

My situation exactly.

 

First, no "official" break up whatsoever. I woke up one day, he had just vanished in the thin air. The day before, we were planning to move in together. How weird is that?

 

As for the rebound, I've been dating lately (several weeks after the mysterious disappearance, that is) but the guys are just SO boring, and I wasn't excited one wee bit about going out with any of them in the first place. Ominous, huh? Well I for one clearly was aware I was only trying to keep busy and get attention from men, and of course none of this would come to anything serious. That's why I have been very cautious: I warned my dates about my recent break up, briefly told them how it ended (or not ended for that matter), didn't give them any false hopes. But they were willing to process so I can't say I feel guilty.

 

Something inside me is broken forever as it seems. My feelings are numb, except for a little bit of anger every once in a while.

 

Now my ex on the other hand has been trying hard to fool himself - poor guy. He has subscribed to dating websites (I painfully remember the day I openened my mailbox and there was a message, "XXX and you have a 70% match"... it was him ), but more importantly I think he might have fooled a bunch of girls, persuading them he was emotionally available and ready to be in a healthy committed relationship, which is evidently nothing but plain BS. I hope he doesn't hurt more people really.

 

So what to do now? Expect a rebirth someday? that would be some kind of a miracle in my humble opinion. In the meanwhile, do we have to stop meeting new people, or is is better to keep on trying to find Mr Right?

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I've asked a couple of guy friends and they say they need the female affection to feel better about themselves after a breakup. I think it's just excuses. It's clearly that they don't give a damn about our feelings. It doesn't matter, it still hurts.

no trust me, from a guy's point of view, i couldn't date or sleep with anyone till i saw her with her new bf, now i can get back on the market, lol

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I've asked a couple of guy friends and they say they need the female affection to feel better about themselves after a breakup. I think it's just excuses. It's clearly that they don't give a damn about our feelings. It doesn't matter, it still hurts.

 

I could do with some "male affection" too right now !! Very very much.

It's just I don't seem to compartmentalize my feelings as well as Id like to...

letting go to receive affection would mean letting go and feel the pain too. So in one word it feels like I have to chose between being on my own and missing human affection badly or being with someone else and missing him badly as a consequence...

fantastic really! Why don't they teach you how to deal with this kind of things in schools instead of Maths ... *sigh*

 

I don't know if it's a male and female thing, I suspect it's more related to being the dumper or the dumpee, but in any case it felt good to read it, so thank you

 

 

My situation exactly.

First, no "official" break up whatsoever. I woke up one day, he had just vanished in the thin air. The day before, we were planning to move in together. How weird is that?

 

Ouch. Im sorry, this must hurt like hell too.

But if you think about it, maybe it's not so "weird" after all .... most relationships break in a moment related to commitment, from what I hear (mine included, I suppose); maybe your guy is stuck in the honeymoon idea of love and can't go past it... this is probably the only reason he ran away like that... (but why, oh why they say NOTHING before?!)

 

 

Now my ex on the other hand has been trying hard to fool himself - poor guy. He has subscribed to dating websites (I painfully remember the day I openened my mailbox and there was a message, "XXX and you have a 70% match"... it was him )

 

Oh dear me!! LOL I truly apologize in advance, but the way you said it, I couldn't help laughing out loud (must be a nervous laugh)! this is almost unreal to the point of being hilarious! Well, just the way you said it, it makes me think you have a brilliant sense of humor... and that you are very strong! I would have been SO tempted to send it back to him with some sarcastic comment, but yes... what's the point? keep this attitude tho, I can see potential

 

but more importantly I think he might have fooled a bunch of girls, persuading them he was emotionally available and ready to be in a healthy committed relationship, which is evidently nothing but plain BS. I hope he doesn't hurt more people really.

 

This thought is actually the thing that is helping me the most in keeping detached.

Like. Do I really want him back, if he's able to do something like this to a woman?

 

So what to do now? Expect a rebirth someday? that would be some kind of a miracle in my humble opinion. In the meanwhile, do we have to stop meeting new people, or is is better to keep on trying to find Mr Right?

 

I don't know *cries*

but if Ill find out I tell you, I promise.

 

no trust me, from a guy's point of view, i couldn't date or sleep with anyone till i saw her with her new bf, now i can get back on the market, lol

 

see, the male point of view is always useful LOL

very very practical

you are right, what the hell

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I waited till nearly 4 months nc around 130? days post break up and felt okay during the date.

 

Until I headed home.

Sat on my bed.

Stared out and felt so empty.

Cried.

 

 

That was the day I broke NC the first time.

It IS hard. And even now, 10 months post BU, I still feel empty often.

It's like, he wasn't great. In fact he was bad in so many ways.

But. It was HIM.

 

And I loved him. Don't worry, it just takes time? (I'm running out of patience lol... it's like GET OVER IT ALREADY! It's nearly a year) I should stop telling myself that lol.

 

We will be fine! I start NC again and my second attempt is going great! 5 monthcs NC ( yay )

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I waited till nearly 4 months nc around 130? days post break up and felt okay during the date.

 

Until I headed home.

Sat on my bed.

Stared out and felt so empty.

Cried.

 

 

That was the day I broke NC the first time.

 

This is exactly what I felt like, word by word.

And this is the reason why I decided to post here, cause I felt so close to breaking NC and tell him to stop all this madness, cause this is what it still feels like...

 

 

It's like that spark. I miss that spark. It's this hard to explain feeling. Guess it's cos he was the only person I ever loved. I know what you mean, I hate feeling like I'm never gonna find sb like him again.

 

I know. It's the same here. More than being afraid of not finding anybody to love tho Im afraid that we are trashing something precious and beautiful for the wrong reasons, and I still feel like I have so much to learn from him and us together. If I analyze all my feelings, this is the first thing that comes to my mind. An opportunity lost. But maybe distance will teach us different things, which we would have never learned otherwise. I don't know I try to keep positive as much as I can, but yes... it's hard.

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