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my ex boyfriend has contacted me after 8 months no contact


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Hi everyone,

 

My ex boyfriend broke up with me after 5 years, it was very painfull for me cause only 2 weeks after the break up he told me he had another girlfriend from another country ( found on a forum ) and he really had serious feelings for her. So after 6 months of internet contact he left the country and flight to her and also lives together with her now.

 

To me this seems still like some sort of rebound relationship. Now recently he sended me an mail asking me how i am doing and that he still thinks about the break up every day and he's wondering if i am also still thinking about the break up so much and that he misses me as a friend. He hopes we can have email contact. Once in a while to here from eachother and have sort of like 'friendship' contact.

 

I replied by mailing that i want to keep the distance between us and i would like to have friendship in the future but that i don't want to have contact now cause i can't and i am now moving on with my life.

 

But now i regret saying that i would like to be friends in the future, cause i feel like i've been to nice to him to say that i would like to be friends, cause that's not what i want at all, i don't think it's possible for me. I will be the one who's feeling the pain and i don't even wanna here how he's doing with his new girlfriend, cause it hurts.

 

So can anyone give me advice on this? should i send him another email telling him very clearly that i don't think we will ever have some sort of 'friendship' contact again? or should i not even send anything anymore and then after months hearing nothing from me, he will realise i don't want contact anyway?

 

thanks for helping me!

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I don't think you need to say anymore. You've said that you don't want to have any contact with him for now and that is enough. He will be aware that there are no guarantees that you will still want to be friends once you have moved on ... and if not, then your continued silence will tell him. You've done the right thing by telling him that you don't want to have any contact with him and I would stick with that if I were you.

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Im in a similar boat. My ex broke up with me almost 5 weeks ago. She had met someone a few weeks before BU with me and is about to go see him in a few days time, in another country too. Have no idea what that relationship will turn into. But it was obviously strong enough for her to end our 4 year relationship. Still feeling the pain now.

 

The only reason I would reconnect with her in 8 months time is if she wanted to get back together. If she did then SHE would have to put in a lot of work as I have had plenty of time to reflect on my mistakes and the person I was with her. She won't have any ideas about the things she needs to take responsiblity for. Right now I would love to think she would be sending me an email like your ex's, it would make me think there was hope

 

I think you made the right decision. If he wants to be friends or more than that he will have to convince you of his intentions. Remember he left you!!

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No, you don't need to clarify. He's got no guarantees. If you had been lying when you said it, would you clarify? You don't owe him anything.

And please dont read into his correspondence - it's just crumbs - and you're well rid of someone who'd throw away what you had.

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Btw I think you did the right thing even though you question it now. If you'd asked before you responded, I would have said what you wrote was perfect.

The danger with telling him you have no intention of being friends is the dumper starts pestering you to change your mind and messes with your recovery. This way he might actually respect NC.

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I agree w/the others; stick to NC. He has no business sniffing in your life after you asked him not to. He made his bed; he has to sleep in it!

 

Just like KYRiverGrl said. You made yourself clear to him and he has no business poking his head into your life now. Sounds just like my ex, keep up the NC and don't reply to anymore of his emails. Things are probably not working out and he's trying to go back to familiar territory. He made his choice and now he has to live with it. You sound like a really strong person keep up the NC.

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Thanks for your advice, you´re right about the fact that it might be that because he´s not getting any contact and not hearing anything he might wonder even more how i am doing and missing me more..... that´s possible, but i really don´t want to have any hope that he will one day come back again. Cause i had hope, but now since 2 months i really accepted the fact that he is now with this new gf and focus on my own life. Although deep in my heart i want him back.... but that feeling will disappear after some more time i hope:smile

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He knows he made a mistake by ending a five year relationship for a fling. He sent you that e-mail to test the waters with you. I would not send him anything else. If he contacts you again you can tell him you decided to go NC or not respond. If I were you I would tell him you want to go NC. Not responding after having spent 5 years together is disrespectful. Do the right thing, even when its hard to. It's more important that you respect yourself than if others do.

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I am sorry for you to hear that you´re in the same boat. Well you know i can tell you the next months you´re going to a rollercoaster of emotions and you need to try to not contact her. The only thing that´s on her mind now is she wants to have this new love to work out and so she can forget about you as soon as possible, so she´s not really taking her time to go to the proces of breaking up with you. I know for sure that she also has pain, she´s going to feel it after a couple of months after she´s cooling down with this new flame, then the lost of you and what good things you had together comes into her mind. The only thing i did was sending him a letter after 2 months, in the letter i told him what i think was wrong about my behaviour and that i kbut that i will always love him and that i regret about some things that happened in the past. That was good, cause otherwise i would have the feeling i still have to tell him that i can see why things went wrong between us. I was also telling him that i wish we would have a second change and that i will remember the good things in our relationship. You know when he told me about his new love he was saying it came on his pad, like a miracle or something... and he said he hoped i was going to have a new love soon also..... so i was like, well i just need time for myself now, that´s what i am going to do first.

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No need to reply further to your ex. Let it be. You don't owe him any more words. And if he's missing you, let him...but he clearly chose to be without you so make him be without you ...in every way....no emails nothing. Best part about our ex's is that they think it's ok to have a new love in their life...but feed off us every now and then. Please! We have better things to do

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My ex boyfriend broke up with me after 5 years, it was very painfull for me cause only 2 weeks after the break up he told me he had another girlfriend from another country ( found on a forum ) and he really had serious feelings for her. So after 6 months of internet contact he left the country and flight to her and also lives together with her now.

Having "serious feelings" for someone within two weeks of meeting them sounds off to me. Especially if the contact is through the internet. How long did it take him to have "serious feelings" for you when you first got together?

 

That indicates to me that his emotional state is (or was) very unstable (quite likely given he'd just broken up with you), maybe the relationship had developed over a longer period of time than 2 weeks (which is a very bad sign for you), or he was just lying and didn't actually have "serious feelings."

 

Anyway, whatever the case, that relationship developed over the next 6 months and THEN he went to live with her? He had no physical contact with her before then? That does not sound like a good foundation for a relationship, especially since he'd just come out of a 5 year relationship with you.

 

So it would not be a surprise if that relationship turned sour relatively quickly after he went there.

 

To me this seems still like some sort of rebound relationship.

Yes, quite.

 

Now recently he sended me an mail asking me how i am doing and that he still thinks about the break up every day and he's wondering if i am also still thinking about the break up so much and that he misses me as a friend. He hopes we can have email contact. Once in a while to here from eachother and have sort of like 'friendship' contact.

Lots of mixed signals here. What on earth is he doing with someone else if he still thinks about the break up every day and is missing you (in whatever sense).

 

I don't think you can conclude anything much from what he says, except that he is fishing for something from you. Maybe he doesn't know either.

 

I replied by mailing that i want to keep the distance between us and i would like to have friendship in the future but that i don't want to have contact now cause i can't and i am now moving on with my life.

Fair enough, sounds reasonable.

 

But now i regret saying that i would like to be friends in the future, cause i feel like i've been to nice to him to say that i would like to be friends, cause that's not what i want at all, i don't think it's possible for me. I will be the one who's feeling the pain and i don't even wanna here how he's doing with his new girlfriend, cause it hurts.

Ah Sometimes we don't know how we feel about something until after we've taken steps towards it. Anyway, I still don't think your email was too bad, but if you have further communication with him, try to avoid saying what you might want (say what might be possible instead), and keep it more neutral. But at this stage, until you get more information, I think further contact is not a good idea.

 

So can anyone give me advice on this? should i send him another email telling him very clearly that i don't think we will ever have some sort of 'friendship' contact again?

No, mostly because you don't know that for sure, and you don't know how you'll feel after sending something like that. At the very least, wait to see if he responds to you email and what he says.

 

or should i not even send anything anymore and then after months hearing nothing from me, he will realise i don't want contact anyway?

Yes, if you ignore him, he will figure that out eventually.

 

If you think you MIGHT want a friendship with him in the future, worry about it when you get there, then worry about contacting him for that reason ... then, not now.

 

If you are still interested in reconciling with him, then you have a different can of worms to deal with right now.

 

If he's still with the new girl, do you really want to interfere with that? I don't think it would be healthy for you or a relationship with him if you did.

 

If he's not with the new girl, then that's a recent breakup given the information you posted, and irrespective of your past, you will end up being a rebound for him and helping him duck the pain of the recent breakup, AND probably the pain of the past breakup with you. Do you want to do that? Do you even have the strength to do that? And then there is a very good chance that once you've helped him heal, he will leave you again. After all, he didn't appreciate you enough the first time around to want to work on the relationship (I don't know your back story so that might be an incorrect assumption on my part), but all the same, he did walk away, and very quickly to someone else.

 

So to me it looks like you're dammed if you do, and dammed if you don't kind of thing, however you choose to continue communication.

 

If it was me, and if I really couldn't fight the urge to communicate, then I would send something like .... Gaah, no, I can't think of anything suitable. I would want to ask him why he's communicating with me in this way (well, call him a she in my case), why now, and what has changed? But I can't think of the words. Probably because his message is so mixed up.

 

Ok, when you don't know what to do, default to doing nothing until you do.

 

but i really don´t want to have any hope that he will one day come back again. Cause i had hope, but now since 2 months i really accepted the fact that he is now with this new gf and focus on my own life.

Do you really don't want hope he will come back? Then leave him alone completely.

 

Although deep in my heart i want him back.... but that feeling will disappear after some more time i hope:smile

Or do you still want him back? If so, do you know why? I can see a few reasons why it would be a good idea not to want him back, especially at present (but I understand the feeling too - I still have it myself for my ex).

 

Even so, given the information you have posted, it still sounds to me like you and him would be on very shaky ground trying to reconcile even if he wanted to.

 

The only thing that´s on her mind now is she wants to have this new love to work out and so she can forget about you as soon as possible, so she´s not really taking her time to go to the proces of breaking up with you. I know for sure that she also has pain, she´s going to feel it after a couple of months after she´s cooling down with this new flame, then the lost of you and what good things you had together comes into her mind.

See, you make sense here talking about someone else

 

The only thing i did was sending him a letter after 2 months, in the letter i told him what i think was wrong about my behaviour and that i kbut that i will always love him and that i regret about some things that happened in the past. That was good, cause otherwise i would have the feeling i still have to tell him that i can see why things went wrong between us. I was also telling him that i wish we would have a second change and that i will remember the good things in our relationship.

Ah. That might well have been painful for you at the time, but at least you've been clear. Which makes his recent communication with you even more murky.

 

You know when he told me about his new love he was saying it came on his pad, like a miracle or something... and he said he hoped i was going to have a new love soon also.....

"Like a miracle ..." What a thing for him to say to you !

 

so i was like, well i just need time for myself now, that´s what i am going to do first.

Sounds to me like the most sensible choice for you.

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