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My wife doesn't want children - I do.


socal76

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I could really use some advice. My wife of only 9 months (been together for 5.5 years), just told me that she is absolutely sure she doesn't want to have kids. Her reasons for not wanting them are the lifestyle change and not wanting to give up her "freedom" in exchange for the big responsibility that children bring. I, on the other hand, DO want kids and have always wanted kids. She has always told me that she wasn't sure if she wanted kids, but as time went on I felt like she was leaning more towards having kids at some point. And then BAM! 2 days ago she tells me that she's been thinking about it more (since we have many friends who are pregnant or having kids), and she has decided she doesn't want them. She is 25 and I am 31.

 

So now I am completely torn and heartbroken. I love her to death and truly feel that we are perfect for each other (besides this disagreement with children). I can't imagine my life without her. And I know she loves me to pieces as well. I am afraid that I will start resenting her as time goes on, especially when I see my friends with their kids. This is all I think about (given it just happened 2 days ago), and it really scares me because I don't know what to do. We have talked about seeing a counselor, and probably will soon. I'm afraid the counselor will say we should get a divorce, because that is not what I want at all. We have 2 dogs now, and she is so great at taking care of them. She has even said she would be willing to get more dogs!!! (sigh). What do I do???

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Wow...this is tough....if she has been back and forth on this, perhaps giving it more time she may change her mind again?? My finacee changed his mind 3 times ...to his does want kids. than he didn't - which scared the crap out of me cause like you I knew i wanted kids. now it's back to his does want kids & now I'm 5 months pregnant. So he better not change his mind again...lol I don't think he will, he just got scared (: Like I think you're wife might be....

If I were you, I'd have a serious talk with her. You two got into this marriage her fully knowing you wanted kids. And you, believeing she did too (probably should have been certain on that one) find out if this is something she is willing bend on or if her mind is made up. And be honest with her on your feelings...that this is something you've been wanting your whole life and still do.

Also suggest that she talks to her friends that are having kids and ask thier view of it. See if any of them regret it or find it a blessing.

She might just be scared. or she might have her mind made up. You two need to talk. but I'm thinking she could easily change her mind again...but do think about what you'd do if she doesn't.

 

Sorry I don't have much for advice, i'm sure others will.

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I can only speak from my limited experience but I know two couples who went through exactly what you are going through. One of them ended up divorced due to the resentment you mentioned and the other couple is still happily married, without children. So, I guess what I am saying is that this type of decision is so very personal. In the end you will have to live with the decision.

 

It sounds like you are deeply in love with this woman and finding that today is worth something. I think the counselor is a great idea to help you determine if the two of you can reach an agreement.

 

I wish you the best of luck.

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Your wife sounds a lot like my sister. From the age of about 24 until she was 30 she swore up and down that she would NEVER have kids. Well, once she turned 30 her biological clock starting ticking and she changed her mind - she is now pregnant with twin girls.

 

I wouldn't give up on her yet. She is only 25 and being close to 25 myself, I know that I change my mind daily on if I want kids or not. I know that one day I might want kids but definitely not right now as I enjoy my freedom too much. I am thinking that will probably change when I hit 30 and my clock starts ticking. She is fairly young still and it is becoming more and more popular to not have kids until your early 30s especially for a working, career oriented woman.

 

Good luck! Enjoy your time together now!

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... How did you fail to work this one out before marriage?

 

It's too late for you, but to anyone else thinking about getting married, please buy this book and actually use it:

link removed

 

My fiance and I were able to work out a lot of difficult issues (raising kids, religion in the family, etc) thanks to this book.

 

*****

 

For the poster, at this point, the only thing you can do is to see if you can reach a compromise with her, or either you or her will have to back down. If none of that can happen, then you might want a divorce.

 

You should talk with her and see how important the issue is to her, and tell her how you feel about the situation and how important kids are to you, why you want kids. Once you listen to each other you might be able to agree on something.

 

I don't want kids, my fiance does. He absolutely wants kids, and children is a deal breaker for him. Since it's so important to him, and I want to be with him, I decided I will compromise and we agreed on two children. That's all I'm willing to do. After that we're both getting sterilized. If a child doesn't make it to 21, we can adopt one.

 

At the same time, it could work the other way too. Not having children could be very important to me, and that could be my deal breaker. If that's the case, we would break up that night.

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Well i don't understand why you married her if she said she wasn't sure? Why would you do that?

 

Did you think she would eventually change her mind if if you coaxed her enough?

 

This would be devastating to me as well, if i had a partner who didn't want children, but i would try to make sure beforehand what he wanted.

 

maybe your wife will change her mind.. who knows.. but i wouldn't be surprised if she doesn't!

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Give her 5 more years and when she reaches her 30's - she will want to have kids. At just 25, her priority is probably being the best wife that she can be while also earning a living too. Once she achieved these two goals, there is nothing left but to grow the family. Trust me on this.

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Give her 5 more years and when she reaches her 30's - she will want to have kids. At just 25, her priority is probably being the best wife that she can be while also earning a living too. Once she achieved these two goals, there is nothing left but to grow the family. Trust me on this.

 

 

so you are saying that once someone is a good wite and has earned a living, there is nothing else to acomplish apart from have children????!!

 

And at 25?

 

Heck, I'm 30 and having a family is very far off in the distant future as it is for many of my friends.

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socal76 I don't think you need to give up hope just yet. Like other people have pointed out your wife is only 25, which means she may change her mind over time.

 

My SO and I had a serious talk a few years ago about children. Coincidentally I was 25 at the time. We had been together for four years by then, and he was becoming more and more open about the fact that he wanted kids with me eventually. I was adamant about the fact that I didn't think I was meant to have kids. I didn't consider myself the maternal type, and at the time I was enjoying our lifestyle together, was advancing up the ladder at work, and had no desire to sacrifice any freedoms I had in order to have a child. My SO accepted what was my postion at the time, although he wasn't thrilled about it. Fast forward to present day and my feelings seem to of softened to the idea. That's not to say I want kids, but more to say that I think it may happen in the future, and if it does I may not be all that bad at being a mom.

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I'm not saying every woman is like that. I'm just saying that for her right now having a family is not her priority.

 

Well she has told her husband that she does not want kids. Even though it is not a priority for me, I'd never say 'I don't want children"

 

You seem confident that she is going to change her mind, which i find odd, since you don't know her.

 

I would not advise him to stick around and wait and see if she does indeed change her mind.

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I think he definitely need to talk to her becuase my sister told her husband point blank that she "did not want kids" and he accepted the fact. However, she changed her mind when she hit 30 and is now pregnant with twins.

 

So, it could go either way but I think they definitely need to talk and maybe see a counselor.

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I could really use some advice. My wife of only 9 months (been together for 5.5 years), just told me that she is absolutely sure she doesn't want to have kids.

 

So now I am completely torn and heartbroken. I love her to death and truly feel that we are perfect for each other (besides this disagreement with children).

 

I can't imagine my life without her. And I know she loves me to pieces as well. I am afraid that I will start resenting her as time goes on, especially when I see my friends with their kids.

 

Hey Socal76,

 

I'm sorry to hear about the situation you are in. I would recommend exploring every possible option with your wife in order to determine where these thoughts are coming from. Conversations with each other, family, friends, and potential couples therapy.

 

Personally, not wanting kids is an absolute dealbreaker for me. While if I loved someone, I wouldn't want to lose them under any condition...wanting children is something that I couldn't give up under any circumstances. Going from 'wanting kids' to 'not wanting kids' is something that I personally view as just as serious as 'I want a faithful relationship' to 'I want an open marriage/I want to cheat.' While many might not agree with my putting things in such black/white categories, I'm just trying to emphasize how important having children is to me.

 

Having children is something that you shouldn't have to comprimise on other than the number of children. You want kids. She does not. Please explore every option but remember that ending the marriage is a completely justified action should you decide that having children is that important to you.

 

I had a friend who recently left her husband because he was unable to have children and refused to consider adoption. She is a school teacher and having kids in some capacity was never a decision she questioned. She made the hard decision and both her and her ex-husband experienced a lot of heartache over the matter...but I doubt she will regret her decison when she is holding her first child.

 

You have some serious decisions to make and I wish you luck.

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Well she has told her husband that she does not want kids. Even though it is not a priority for me, I'd never say 'I don't want children"

 

You seem confident that she is going to change her mind, which i find odd, since you don't know her.

 

I would not advise him to stick around and wait and see if she does indeed change her mind.

 

Indeed, I don't know her but I can tell by reading SoCal's description of her that she's maternally caring - maybe not for a human child just yet but she's rearing her dogs just like a mother.

 

I don't think it's fair that you'd advise him to not stick around just because she expresses her unsureness of having kids. As I said, give her time - she will eventually come around to having that yearning to be a mom when she gets older. This is not to say that they don't need couple counseling or that it's ok to not compromise on each other's desires and wants as a couple.

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Indeed, I don't know her but I can tell by reading SoCal's description of her that she's maternally caring - maybe not for a human child just yet but she's rearing her dogs just like a mother.

 

I don't think it's fair that you'd advise him to not stick around just because she expresses her unsureness of having kids. As I said, give her time - she will eventually come around to having that yearning to be a mom when she gets older.

 

Well, i can say i don't think its fair to him if he does stick around... not everyone wants to be a mother, and i dont' think you can say to him "there, there, she'll come around... just be patient"

 

Thats not fair to him.

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Well, i can say i don't think its fair to him if he does stick around... not everyone wants to be a mother, and i dont' think you can say to him "there, there, she'll come around... just be patient"

 

Thats not fair to him.

It may not be fair to him but then why is he on here asking for advice if he didn't think she was worth the patience. I'm sure he didn't come here to ask if he should leave his wife because she doesn't want kids.

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She may change her mind, she may not change her mind. At the same time, he may change his mind about having kids as well. This is a problem he needs to talk out with her, it's not something anyone can say "She'll come to her senses in 5 years" and guarantee that to ACTUALLY HAPPEN.

 

Children are not everyone's main priority in life.

 

If that's your opinion, maybe you should not have been so certain about her changing her mind. What you said, can be interpreted as "She will DEFINITELY change her mind at 30, because she is a woman, and ALL women want kids after 30."

 

So, what if he does take your advice, decide to not talk this over with his wife and wait it out, because ALL women want children after 30. Then, her 30th year rolls around... guess what, she still doesn't want kids. Will you take responsibility for his lost time? Or will you say, "Oops, did not see that coming."

 

That, is why shikashika said your "opinion" is not very fair to the OP.

 

Granted, you may be right, she might change her mind. She might even be like me, who agreed to have children even though I don't see them as an investment at all. Still, the only person who can make that decision is her, and he needs to find out first hand, if it's at all possible for her to change her mind or compromise.

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It may not be fair to him but then why is he on here asking for advice if he didn't think she was worth the patience. I'm sure he didn't come here to ask if he should leave his wife because she doesn't want kids.

 

No, but I don't think its very constructive to tell him that his wife will change either. I know of a friend who it did break up their marriage because they got married quite young. She said she didnt' want kids.. he did. he waited and waiated and waited. She never changed her mind.... they ended up getting divorced and this friend of mine just got re-married.

 

not to say people don't change their mind...but I don't think he should be surprised if he is giving her more and more time. Then what... if she says no, what does he do? He can't really be surprised if she doesn't changer her mind.

 

This would be like me posting something saying "This guy said he doesn't love me.. should i sait around to see if he changes his mind?"

 

I guarantee everyone would tell me to move on and not waste my time. yeah, maybe he will love me one day..but as he's said no. I have to trust that.

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shiranai, I have to say i'm surprised thta you have decided to have children for the ake of your husband... especially when you don't want them.. or even like them.

 

I know i wouldn't want my future partner/ husband to just be compromising on the kids thing.

 

Don't you worry you may grow to resent them?

 

just curious...

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I know I won't. A lot of guys end up having kids even though they don't really like kids too. A couple of my co-workers and many of my relatives (my family really is not a kid loving family) went through the same thing.

 

What most people said is... they still hate kids, but they love their own kids enough to be able to tolerate their kids.

 

I'm sure I won't resent my children, but I will be harder on them than most parents and require them to act more mature. My parents demanded the same of me and my siblings as well. They don't tolerate ill behaviors in public, and we're not allowed to scream our lungs out under any circumstances. If we want something, we negotiate it like adults.

 

Not only that, my fiance loves kids. He's very good with them. He can make up for what I lack, and he can teach me how to deal with them.

 

 

... also... my fiance is an amazing person. I know, if I pass him up, I'll never find someone who can compare to him. He's intelligent, tolerant, nice, handsome, ambitious, loves me a lot, etc. He's everything I want in a husband, except that he's religious and loves children. I can compromise.

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Shiranai,

 

I'm just a bit confused. You waltzed in and attacked me for making a life changing decision for people. You said if socal's wife doesn't have the desire to want kids then it's her decision alone, not mine for the saying that she will eventually come around to wanting kids when she reaches 30. And here I read that you initially didn't want kids but have now agreed to have them with your future husband.

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Again, that's my decision. What does my decision have to do with her decision?

 

If I'm not dating my fiance, who's just too awesome to pass up over a kid thing (for me), I'd very well dump him and find a more compatible spouse.

 

Just because "I" decided "I" will compromise and have kids, doesn't mean ALL women will do the same. I know my place, and I don't pretend my position on anything is the position of all human beings ever existed.

 

Besides, did I, at any point, say I "want" kids? No, I don't want kids. The best thing for me right now would be my fiance changing HIS mind. "I" do NOT want kids, I don't want the responsibility, I don't want to go through pregnancy, I don't like them, I don't like the sound they make, I don't like anything about them other than they may be soft and cute when they don't talk.

 

So, what did you prove? Does MY decision prove ALL women eventually want kids? Really? Where?

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Keep in mind that they've only been married 9 months; she is 25. A marriage is a little more sacred than a relationship so to say that he should just walk away because he wants kids and she doesn't is like telling him to cut his one leg off because it doesn't want to walk in sync with the other. Leaving a marriage is never an answer to his problem or will my suggestion be but what I'm trying to convey is that he stuck with her for the last almost six years - if he loves her - there needs to be a compromise - and it seems like it may have to come from him. She may or may not change her mind but I agree that having children should have been something that they should have discussed about before marrying. He knew all along that she didn't want kids yet he went full on with the marriage and all. One misconception people have is that if they married the person, they will eventually persuade that person to change their ways. It's not always like that.

 

But I do believe that what I said earlier holds some truth. I am the same way. When I was 25 - I didn't know what I wanted. And at my age, I still don't. I have friends who in their 20's were hard at work with no social life, no plans of getting married or having kids. Now they are in their late 30's with their biological clocks ticking away, some with no boyfriend or husband. People are different and live through different stages in life but eventually, we all gravitate toward wanting the same - a family - whether that will be in somebody's 20's or in their late 40's.

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