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Wht Are The Rules For Giving Space?


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My girlfriend says she needs 'ME' time in order to deal with her everyday stuggle to survive problems. We've spent alot of time together in the 3 months we've been together, me practically living there (mostly at her invitation) but for the last 2 months she has really been backing of emotionally. How do I go about giving her the space she needs? Do I let her call all the shots? She says how much she wants me in her life but her actions are confusing to me am I getting the runaround?

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Don't call her or contact her. When she contacts you be friendly and approachable but if she suggests getting together only accept every other time she asks - be busy the other times.

 

Every other time? Sounds like middle school games to me.

 

Tell her how you feel, and then ask her what she wants to do. If she wants some 'her' time then let her have it. As long as she isnt using that space to find another man, or play games with you then just see how things go. I would make an attempt to still see her, but just cut it back... sometimes people need their own lives too. Just dont be her unjoined twin and hopefully thatll be all she needs. If she needs lots of 'space' after you try cutting back your time together, then maybe you just arent looking for the same thing.

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A couple of nights before she left for her trip, was the only night we could have to spend together. She wanted to go to a shift party for work instead of spending it with me. When I voiced my disappointment (which she always says to say what's bothering me) she accused me of laying a guilt trip. I found out about a lie she told me earlier in our relationship & ended up talking to her on the night she was going to the party so now I am being controlling. Can't win!! Is there a reason?

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That's the plan! should I give it a time limit or break down after awhile. She has got some pretty major issues to deal with which includes me finding out about a dark secret from her past which has affected her which has to do with the lie she told me about. This is the first time I've had to deal with this space thing & in most opinions it's a sign she heading for the door.

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No, no, NO time limit. Stay away, period. Do not call or email her. Really, mate... this is something I went through pretty recently so I know.

 

If there is any chance at all of the relationship surviving, it'll be when she misses you enough to call you... IF she ever does.

 

I know that sounds harsh, but this "asking for space" thing is a red alert for any relationship in my experience, and her other behaviour (accusing you of guilt-tripping and controlling her) is right up there with it.

 

I would really try to forget about her, move on to other things, at least start "sizing up" other women for prospective dates even if you don't actually want to date them until this relationship is officially over. Then, if she wants you back, let HER work at it while giving you YOUR space.

 

Revenge is a dish best served cold, my friend! ;-)

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Thanks for the advice! I think for the last 2 months she has been pushing me away by her actions but I was very confused by how great the 1st month went. I went into this wearing my heart on my sleeve as she did but she's now backing off. She's telling me I'm more emotionally envolved than she is, she's spun on a dime after I found out about this secret from her past. I've outright said to her if she's not interest in the relationship tell me & I'm gone but she insists how deeply she cares for me, wants me in her life. So I've stayed & tried to be there. The whole relationship has been complicated by the fact she had an affair with a married man a yaer ago prior to us. They've both remained close friends & although there is nothing physical going on there is definitly something emotional. He has sent her a video tape with a bunh of crap on it but telling her how much he will always love her at the end. She hid the tape from which made me very uncomfortable but she can't seem to understand why because she says she would never go back to that situation again. Then on top of her behavior I don't know what to believe anymore.

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Hi kissfrk101,

 

Sometimes when you talk to a person you love during "space" things just get more confusing and nasty. That's why a lot of people on enotalone suggest that when they want space you give them all you can. This means don't talk or see them for a while if you can help it.

 

Sometimes we can be strung along by some simple comments. In my case it was "I've made a mistake....." and "I still care and love you". I let these comments give me false hope and that has been one of the worst things I have done. I just kept hoping while digging a deeper and deeper hole for myself. Don't let her comments string you along. It's horrible to be in that situation.

 

Get busy with something that will occupy your time. That way after a while when things cool down, and should she call and you answer, you will really have something to do and enjoy. Then you can make the decision and have some control.

 

Thanks

becuzitwasfun

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Thanks, it has been tough deciding what to do. As of yet I haven't heard from her & i don't intead to call her. If she does call I'm just going to keep things lite & not get into the issues, let her bring up wanting to talk about things. Unfortunately these issues I'm having with this guy are going to have to be resolved, sooner or later it will become an issue again being as they are still friends. I feel her main problem is that she's hiding something & by me wanting to talk about it is that she is feeling pressure of no being straight with me to begin with. I feel most of our other issues have been a smoke screen to avoid this but I am not sure? She seems to be attacking my integrity when in fact it was her disshonsty in the first place that has created my insecurity. I want to make a stand & say if you want the relationship to contiune we need to resolve these issuses but I also know I have to give her the space to get her head straight. I don't want to give her the impression I'm just going to let go of these issues over time because they need to addressed for my sanity. I know I'm doing a lot of over thinking, she may never call again for all I know. It to me seems like it's such a simple thing to fix but I'm having such a hard time reasoning with her, she would rather just avoid the whole subject & sweep it back under the carpet where it was before I found out about it. This guy still wants more from her but because she feels in control of her feelings that I shouldn't worry & why I keep making a big issue out of something that happened in her past. My issue isn't that she had an affair, my issue is he's sending her love tapes during our relationship & for some reason can't make her understand my point on this. This guy is such a manipulator she has herself convinced it was her fault the affair happened which makes me concerned about what kind of spell he still has on her. We just keep going in circles & It's driving me & her to where we are now.

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I have required 'ME' time in a relationship and when the person refused to give me that time, I backed off completely. I feel that if a person refuses to comply with a serious request, they can put no value on my feelings nor respect me. That relationship has always ended.

 

My husband did go along with my request. I wasn't sure if I wanted a relationship, let alone with him and I felt a little crowded. He complied graciously and although he did call me, he did not ask to see me. I then felt in control. I was a bit worried at the relationship moving too fast when I didn't feel ready. I would then ask him to visit me or ask if he wanted to go and see a movie and the relationship progressed.

 

Just relax and let her take the driving seat.

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I've been so threaten by this guy & the way she admires him, it's hard to think of anything else. She has given me a trust issue which makes it harder to just accept what she is saying plus she's being so defensive about the issues around him. Hiding something or just guilty it happened? My other issue is if she feels so guilty about the affair how can she still be friends with this guy & occasionaly be around his wife & daughter. That's very dissrespectful to me considering the wife has no idea. She seems to be a good person but makes really bad judgements & selfish

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Let her call you. If she hasn't called in a few days, give her a call to ask how she is but don't ask to see her. Just say you thought you'd give her a call to see how she's doing. Tell her what you've been doing. Keep it very relaxed and friendly... absolutely no pressure. Time yourself and only allow yourself say 3 minutes. This way you won't outstay your welcome or seem needy.

 

You could call again a few days later. Allow her to take the lead and ask to see you. Do not ask to see her.

 

If she wants to see you then you will get the message I suspect.

 

Respect her.

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I wrote her a letter and gave it to her before she left telling her mostly about the mistakes I've made dealing with this. I think I'll just wait till she contacts me, she just got back from her trip last night at midnight (that was the details before she left) & then had to be up for work at 5am to work a 12hr shift. She is very confused of what she wants because of the arguments prior to her going away & probley I caught her in a lie. She told me the affair was a one time thing & I found out it went on for sometime. If she doesn't call then I guess I have my answer but I have appeared needy trying to understand her position & find a solution so I can't be making any first moves. I probley also made a mistake by taking to her sister, more asking for advice & to vent. I've keep the details of the affair to myself at her request because she doesn't want it getting out. I couldn't talk to friends or family & didn't know about this website at the time. Her sister was the only other one who knew about it but my girlfriend may see it as I was fishing for info. Your right I need to relax

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Also, the affair she had is her personal business... not yours. Your relationship with her is not really off the starting block so to speak and so it really is her own affair. Everyone is entitled to privacy and everyone makes mistakes in life. It seems that she does have feelings for this other man, knows it is a mistake and is looking to a new chapter in life. You have to respect her wishes to privacy and space otherwise you have no future with her.

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I realize that affair is her business & I don't have a problem that it happened. She has a real problem that I found out about it before she was ready to tell me. What I have a problem with is him crossing the line of friendship during our relationship & my concern that she is doing nothing about it. What kind of message is that sending to me? I feel he's munipulating her & because of her feelings for him doesn't see his motives. Which are clearly to draw her into the past. He still wants his cake and eat it to.

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Maybe she is trying to sabotage the relationship so you don't dig into areas you aren't wanted, but you will too if you try to delve into places you don't belong!

 

The main thing for you is you give this girl space to sort herself out and if you don't, you will surely lose the relationship altogether.

 

The mess of her old relationship is not yours to sort!

 

Leave it alone and give her space.

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Thanks for all the input, I am definitly not going to call her. I gave her the suggestion before she left that we just go back & date which we really never did. She would call me when she was feeling rested & we'd meet for a coffee or a movie keep it simple. She was open to it but just didn't know what she wanted at that point. I do have a big problem with trying to fix people maybe this is a good learning experience. Thank You for the help it is much appreciated just gotta have some faith. I do feel very guilty about pushing her to ease my insecurity I see the mistakes I've made hopefully my letter will help her realize that. I included it for those who like to read:

 

I thought I’d sit & try to put down my feelings of the situation we find ourselves in & how I feel about you. Mostly I hope to make you understand, I realize your needs & what I am willing to do to make things right between us. I had been single for nine years for many reasons mostly because of my cynical attitude toward relationships. I wanted to enjoy life without someone holding me back or making & issue out of any stupid little hobbies I may have had at the time. It seemed my life was made miserable over the most insignificant things. In then end though it always came down to betrayal, not being able to express my feelings & being able to trust the person because of suspicious behavior. This continues to be my biggest fear of investing my feelings, time & money only to be left with a broken heart at the end. All that being said I always said to myself if someone incredibly special comes into the picture I would not pass up the chance. When I heard your voice for the first time (because it was dark in that yard) I was instantly attracted to you, something in your voice, your attitude, your laugh (that’s why I crack so many jokes I loved your laugh) it was amazing to have that feeling about someone again. Then when we got up to leave and you walked through the breezeway & saw how gorgeous you were I knew I had met the woman I had been dreaming of. I however had a very low self-esteem problem because of my health, my sexual problems & that I didn’t want to burden anybodies life with my issues. I had held back a bit because of nerves & thoughts of why would a beautiful woman like this be interested in a guy like me when we went for dinner. Then I had the problems with my eyes & my whole world fell apart. I was depressed, scared, feeling lower than I have ever felt, didn’t talk to anybody, slept most of the time. Debbie invited me to Joe’s party & I think the only reason I went is because they said you were going to be there. You showed up & sat beside me, we talked for really the first time. Everything that was going on with me just disappeared & I felt truly happy. You asked me to the party you were having for Steve, I even stopped drinking, I didn’t want to feel like crap cause there was nothing going to stop me from going to this party. We just clicked I felt a confidence I had never felt before, you made me feel so comfortable & secure it was an incredible feeling, it gave me the confidence to ask you to my grandmothers birthday. From that day forward it has been one of the most incredible feelings of my life, I have never felt so close or bonded with someone like we have.

 

Like with all people there is always some baggage from our pasts & the pressures of survival in our daily lives. I have been completely ignorant to just how much the thos pressures of survival have been affecting you. I’ve forgotten what it’s like trying to deal with hugh financial responsibilities, never had to deal with children, shift work, brothers, sisters, volunteer work, just being exhausted mentally & physically in general. All my worries were lifted from my shoulders when you came into my life. I have completely ignored the real reason for your change in mood & affection because I was so afraid of losing such an amazing woman that has brought so much to my life in a short time. I re-read my e-mail I sent you the other night when I told you I wanted to give things another chance& realized your right I did nothing but dwell on that one issue. My focus has been on my biggest fear of being betrayed, I’m feeling threatened by this man because of the information that had surfaced & ignored the real issues affecting you lately which is the everyday struggles to survive. It has caused me to act & do things I would normally never do like invading your privacy (I never went searching through your stuff but my fears pushed me to do the wrong thing when I came accross that stuff). I have no way to take back the things I’ve done or if my apologies & explanations can ease the pain I’ve caused you over the last few months. I can only hope that you know in your heart the kind of person I really am & that I never meant to hurt you or betray your trust. I’ve learned from these mistakes & will make a conscious effort never to make them again. I will always confide in you when things are bothering me that is one of the things I love about you is that I can do that. I’ve had too much time on my hands to dwell on my fears instead of listening to what you were telling me & understanding what the real issues were for you. I truly believe that we were meant for each other, your need of space & your independence is really a new experience for me. I realize how important thos needs are & will focus on giving you your space & independence. I can’t tell you how much you mean to me, I’m so overwhelmed with guilt about how insensitive & selfish I’ve been acting to you. I only hope that you can understand my intentions were meant to be good but my fears have caused me to act so foolishly & do the wrong things. I LOVE YOU & I can only hope your feelings for me are still there & you can find it your heart to forgive me. I hope you have a wonderful trip & enjoy the time away.

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