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Help! Please, i think my boyfriend is gay


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I've been with my boyfriend for almost 15 months. Before we started dating we were close friends for around 3 years. Never in that time did he show any sexual interest in men.

 

Early on in our relationship he cheated on me with a girl, he had the decency to tell me himself, we worked through all that and eventually he earnt my trust back. I'll never trust him as much as i did which has brought up some complications because now i occaisionally check through his phone messages which he sees as an invasion of privacy.

 

i looked through his phone recently and found messages to a guy (whose also his cousin) saying things like anal on friday? His cousin agreed and on the friday afternoon when i saw my boyfriend the first opportunity i got i checked his phone. The night before they had sent messages to each other. My boyfriend asked if he could get any condoms (we dont use them as im on the pill) and his cousin said he already had some. They organised to meet at 1 on the friday but it never went ahead as my boyfriend came to see me.

 

Its only been happening the last couple of weeks and i've never found anything in his phone about being gay or bisexual to anyone before. im with him most of the time so i know he hasnt called him while im there to talk about it or emailing. I tried talking to him about it but he turned it back onto me and said he was starting to think i was lesbian because i kept bringing up talk about gay people. He promised me he was 100% straight and we've talked about getting married in the future and having children even though we are only young.

 

His 18 so is he just experimenting, or is he gay/bi or even as harsh as it sounds is he just playing around inside his cousins head?

 

He still treats me exactly the same, tells me he loves me, that im beautiful and all the rest but we never have sex anymore because he's always "to tired"

I cant bring up the messages because i promised i wouldnt go through his phone anymore and he'd probably leave me if i told him i'd been going through them.

 

Sorry about the length of this but im really confused as to whats going on in his head and as he wont talk to me its pretty hard to understand him. Can you please give me some help or advice on what to do?

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I don't have much advice on this topic, but I have to make a comment after reading the part about the marriage suggestion. You seem kind of young to be considering that especially with this guy. He cheated on you first of all, and I firmly believe that once a cheater always a cheater. Second of all, you go through his phone messages, which IS an invasion of privacy. There is no trust in your relationship. I'm not saying you are wrong to have your doubts about him, but it just doesn't seem like the 2 of you are very happy. That's just my opinion.

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The messages you found on his phone were pretty explicit, especially the discussion about condoms. Since the two of you don't use them it's safe to assume a discussion about bringing them can only mean he's sexually active with someone else right now. The other person could be a man, but who knows-- sometimes guys with nosy girlfriends use male names for women in their cell phone to avoid suspicion.

 

In any case, as strange as it sounds, whether he's gay or not is sort of beside the point. The main issue is that your relationship is basically devoid of trust. He is almost surely cheating on you and he's done it before. You are so suspicious of him that you feel the need to repeatedly invade his privacy. You can't even confront him about the messages you found because you promised not to ever look through his phone again. And to add insult to injury, he's avoiding sex with you but seemingly having it with someone else. There's not enough of a foundation here for a lasting relationship; sorry.

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Ok just to clarify he also goes through my phone which i have no problem with.. My boyfriend wasnt the the one taking the condoms he asked his cousin if he (the cousin) could get any. but the cousin already had some.

The fact that he didnt go and came to see me instead (his idea, not mine) puts a little doubt in my mind. especially since there is nothing indicating he has done it before.

I also forgot to add that he is in the process of quitting smoking which does lower your sex drive but then there are still the messages.

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Both gay AND incestuous... sorry! Straight guys don't talk like that to each other, and the fact that it's with his cousin makes it really icky... Guy's who don't want to come out or admit to it will insist they are straight even while setting up arrangements to meet men for sex. Many also will marry because they feel it is expected of them, meanwhile rarely having sex with their wives (if at all eventually) while carrying on an active gay lifestyle on the sly. A young straight man WILL want regular sex with their partner, and if that stops, it either means cheating of some kind or that they're working up to breaking up with you or have mental problems.

 

I would break up with him, get yourself tested for HIV, and definitely don't have sex with him without a condom is he's a cheater and has anal sex with other men.

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Reasons to maybe consider backing off.

 

1.he has cheated

2.he is 18 and always too tired to have sex(really? is he that busy?)

3.suspicious texts

4.you guys are still 18!?

 

move on woman!!! Why are you wasting your precious time guessing and worrying?

doesn't matter if he is gay or bi-curious. He shouldn't be experimenting when he has a gf!!!

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I have known some straights guys to joke around with each other like this, can't really tell if those are serious or not though. the part I'm more concerned about is him claiming to be to tired for sex, AT EIGHTEEN!! the age where guys can keep their hands off their junk. so even if its not with his cousin I think he maybe cheating with someone especially with his history. so like everyone else said, you guys are young, its not too late for a fresh start with someone else.

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My boyfriend asked if he could get any condoms (we dont use them as im on the pill) and his cousin said he already had some.

 

All other issues aside, this is not a very logical approach to condom usage. I'd suggest reevaluating that. There are other reasons to use condoms (STI/STD infections). What if you boyfriend had been sleeping around all this time? You're leaving yourself vulnerable.

 

And not to mention that not using them still increases chance of pregnancy.

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The only thing that none of you have thought about is the fact that they might be having a threesome with a girl who likes anal sex.

 

If you want to find out what he's upto get someone you trust to follow him. Don't do it yourself because he might go somewhere women aren't allowed.

 

Good luck.

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  • 2 months later...

Hi Ashlee I am exactly the same with my guy, exactly what you said and I know he is gay I found gay messages etc! he is in denial..... they live behind us because they are too scared to come out..i felt sorry for a while but now im getting fed up of it.......... he dosent instigate sex, just lies there with his eyes shut and if he does anything it ends up he is in the gay position if you know what i mean but its less and less interest for us both now...but the net sites spoil things for the relationship he is too used to them try and find the courage to leave now while you have chance ..tell him your not suited , you feel like a friend now and you love him like one.go! if he doesent want you too tell him your concerns and to stop lying to you and hiself.......tell him to move on and get the life he really desires to come out o f the closet millions have ...its fairer to you babe xx

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If you really love that guy,it doesn't matter whatever his sexual oriention is.

I had also boyfriend and we've been for 8months.Before we got committed to each other he was straight guy but our relationship goes buy he honestly told me that he's confused and i accepted it.I told him that it doesn't matter,i will still love you.As a matter of fact i love him more when he let me know about him.

However,if he cheated you not just once then girl it's about time to say goodby!

Move on and look for a guy who deserves you,He's not worth it.

 

"love is not blind it sees but it does't mind"

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  • 1 month later...

When I first stumbled upon this thread, I had to check who posted it because I thought maybe in my restless quest for answers I may have posted before. Most of your story relates so well to mine, it's kinda scary. I mean, my boyfriend and I have been dating for two years now and last year was our freshman year in college together (this is relevant to my story, it may be long but maybe you can help me). Anyway, at the beginning of our first year in college he became friends with a guy in his dorm who lived on his floor (for sake of the story I'll call my bf Bob and his friend Fred). Well Fred and Bob became really close after only the first few weeks of meeting. Bob then began ditching me to hang out with Fred, and they did everything together. Bob would even invite Fred to hang out with us on dates! To make matters worse, Bob and Fred laid in the bed together (a small, single college-dorm bed) one time in front of me, and this started to ring the bells. Before I knew it, my boyfriend didn't even act like my boyfriend anymore--he was more like my best friend. And our once amazing sex life had ceased to even exist almost (once a week was the limit HE set ME)...and we're both 18!! I should be fighting him off, but instead I'm constantly fighting him on! I've confronted him once and asked if he was gay, but he just denied, denied, denied. Bob even said that Fred and him were just friends who got along really well. But after constantly wondering why my boyfriend never wants to have sex led me to ask him again, today, what the problem was. And like your guy, Bob said he was just too tired from working--and he just started his job two weeks ago. So I know that's not it...why is he lying to me? I love him and I have always told him the truth. Oh and I almost forgot, another reason I thought I may have written this is because last year Bob cheated on me, and when I asked why he didn't give me an explanation. Is it possible that he had to cheat on me with another girl to find out if he is really gay or not? Just any answers that you or anyone else can offer would be great. And please no one leave rude or joke replies because this is a very serious situation that hurts more than you could ever imagine and if it ever happened to you, you wouldn't want someone joking about it. Thank you.

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  • 4 months later...
Ok just to clarify he also goes through my phone which i have no problem with.. My boyfriend wasnt the the one taking the condoms he asked his cousin if he (the cousin) could get any. but the cousin already had some.

The fact that he didnt go and came to see me instead (his idea, not mine) puts a little doubt in my mind. especially since there is nothing indicating he has done it before.

I also forgot to add that he is in the process of quitting smoking which does lower your sex drive but then there are still the messages.

 

I dont know about everyone else, but to me it kinda seems like he is joking around. It it his cousin. If it were a really close friend (best friend) I would think this too. If it were someone you had never heard of I would probably question it, but it sounds like they were just messing around like "me you anal friday?.. Sounds good! you got the condoms? hahah. " that is what it sounds like. I dnt know, but I hope you work it out Good luck hun. Also, a relationship without trust wont last hun. xo

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From what you're saying, yes, very likely that he is gay or at least experimenting with it, especially since you're mentioning a lack of sex drive from him.

 

However, the crudeness and the openess in the texts he sent could indicate he was joking, it may sound ludacrous, but, I know plenty of straight guys that talk to eachother like and are just joking, and will say really crude gay references to eachother, and will carry it on and on like a game of gay chicken.

 

Even if that were the case though, you are clearly in a relationship with very little trust, and you should certainly think about that fact before you even think about talking about marriage. Whether he is gay or not.

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Yeah he's gay, or bisexual, mostly due to the fact that if he WAS actually talking to a girl the whole time, he wouldn't need a condom if he were to anal a girl.

 

Off topic but I feel the need to respond to this, if he didn't need a condom to have anal sex with a girl, why would he need them to have sex with a guy?

 

You need condoms for anal regardless of the gender....

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  • 1 month later...

I realise this thread is probably dead since it started a year ago but I'l write this anyway to get it off my chest, there's really not anyone to talk to about it without embarrassing my boyfriend and myself. Your story is so like mine its scary, I've been with my boyfriend a year and a half were only young ( 19) and we always talk about the future and stuff, about a year ago he cheated on me and i took it really hard but I forgave him because i really love him and I cant imagine not being with him this bits pretty graphic but it has a point- so he was a lotttt more sexually experienced than me when we got together but he said he'd never finished in a woman like no matter what she did, which I found weird coz I always thought the problem with guys was they came too fast. We would go at it for ages until we were sore and hed always end up finishing himself off, then after a while he started being able to finish inside me which I thought was great but then it stopped again and hasn't happened since until we watched broke back mountain. I know everyone who reads this is going to think I'm really stupid but he'd always said like he hated gay people etc. then we watch broke back mountain and he finished, so a few days later to put it too test i put gay porn on whilst we were having sex and he finished in me again this was like 6 months ago and we barely have sex anymore like I've lost enthusiasm for it coz I know the only thing that turns him on is gay porn. Even when we hav sex I feel like he's waiting for me to give up so he can finish himself off. Eurgh I know this sounds pathetic and this thread is really long but I dont know what to do at first i went along with it coz it made me feel good when he finished inside me and for a while I found it sexy him getting so turned on, weve even talked about a threesome but he went on some gay chat site without telling me and was 'sexting' some guy saying all the stuff he wanted to do with him which technically I guess it is still cheating? the other day we were in bed and he was playing with himself watching some guy do the same and i was just lying there. I know all this makes him sound so so gay but if you met him you wouldnt think it at all and he swears hes not and in every other way hes a great boyfriend but i dont want to think about the future with him if I'm going to marry him and he leaves me for a man! I love him so so much I don't want to finish it, I'm buying a strap on for him for christmas to see if that helps and I dont think he would ever come out because his family and friends would disown him but its getting so hard! I realise I've babbled on and on but does anyone have any advice? does he sounds gay or just sexually curious? And does it sound like I could be the problem for not turning him on enough?Thank you x

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  • 2 months later...

I Am going through the exact same thing. Here's my similar story... My boyfriend and I have been together for two years and we were bestfriends before that for 9 years. He also never showed me any signs of him having any gay tendencies or anything like that. He would have women and playboys on his room when we were younger so i thought he was completely straight. Well eventually this october we were having problems and i didnt know what i wanted but it eventually made us stronger. THEN it happened he started acting differently, hiding his phone from me and messaging people until 4 in the morning sometimes, taking his laptop in the bathroom with him just super suspicious. So one night when he got drunk I went through his phone and he was messaging two different gay guys talking about sucking eachother off and stuff but he swears he never did and it is believable since he is always with me. So then I checked his computer and it was full of gay porn. I confronted him in the morning and that is when he confessed to me that he was molested by his cousin when he was about 10 years old and ever since he has had thoughts of men but has never had gay sex. But he started crying and pleaded for me not to break up with him and he was done and would never hurt me again. Well still I wasnt fully convinced so then a week later i went through the history on his computer and he was still looking up gay porn and he again apologized and since then he has been proving to me that he isnt searching or talking to anyone. Still I hack his e-mail and facebook just to make sure but when i went through his email i found sexting that he sent to older guys that back from 2009 so im still discusted and i dont know if i am making the right choice because i love him. It sucks to hear but atleast i feel better knowing i am not the only person going through this. Im confused as well I am basically putting him through a trial right now and he knows it that im checking his * * * * constantly and if he wants this lifestyle he better choose between me or it cause he can't have both. Honestly If I were you, you need to sit him down and make him listen, like "were having this talk wheather you like it or not" im sure he will reach his breaking point and come out with the truth to you. You need to let him know when you do find out what his story is about it that he has to choose between you and the lifestyle. If he wants to be gay then let him be but don't put up with it if it hurts you.

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From what you're saying, yes, very likely that he is gay or at least experimenting with it, especially since you're mentioning a lack of sex drive from him.

 

However, the crudeness and the openess in the texts he sent could indicate he was joking, it may sound ludacrous, but, I know plenty of straight guys that talk to eachother like and are just joking, and will say really crude gay references to eachother, and will carry it on and on like a game of gay chicken.

 

Even if that were the case though, you are clearly in a relationship with very little trust, and you should certainly think about that fact before you even think about talking about marriage. Whether he is gay or not.

 

I completely agree. In fact almost every guy jokes like that, gay or straight, and woman. In fact some guys joke with women like that. Anywhere you go in life you're going to find someone who is joking about sex. The fact that it is his cousin and he said, "Anal friday?" and "You got any condoms?" sounds like a total bull * * * * conversation. I wouldn't jump to conclusions.

 

The thing that is strange about it however is that you don't trust him and how he is "tired" all the time. However, if he is having anal sex with his cousin I have to say that's a really weird way of approaching plans for intercourse especially since he didn't show up.

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  • 7 months later...

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