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Symptoms of sexual abuse but no memory???


floridagirlal

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I am 39 and for 20 years now i have suspected that there was some form of sexual abuse in my past for several reasons.

 

The largest of which being my sexual preferences. I am really into bdsm and controlling sex and frequent sex. I feel such a strong intense pull towards being submissive in a sexual situation that its almost overwhelming and i can not climax without feeling successfully submissive. However in all other aspects of life, i am a strong independent confident, successful, driven woman.

 

Another prominent reason is my overtly sexual childhood. As a child (ages 4-5) i was incredibly drawn to sex and "dirty" things. I always tried to get my friends to do things i knew were "wrong" and i didnt understand why. I would spend the night with a neighbor and would make her "kiss" me with an open mouth. I don't think tongues were used at that point. I would crawl on top of her and make out with her. It makes me feel so disgusted to actually put this in writing.

 

I know that I was touched inappropriately at least 3 times by 3 different men but, by the time those things happened, I had already been involved in the sexual acts with my friend. I remember my mother asking me frequently if anyone had ever touched me in the wrong places. I would always tell her no because I was afraid. It makes me wonder if she knew something because she was ALWAYS asking me. I also question why I was touched by so many people. Did I display some kind of sexual attitude as a toddler?? I hardly think so. I just don't know why it happened so often. But, as I said, the sexual behavior was already occurring by the time I actually have memories of these other incidents.

 

The other strange thing that is brought to memory is that I would urinate in strange places. I got some kind of thrill out of going in my toy box and I did that frequently. What in the world???

 

I have asked my girls (i have 3) if they have ever been touched inappropriately and they act like I'm crazy. I've also never seen any of the behavior that I exhibited.

 

If I can't truly remember the abuse, is there even a way to address the possible abuse through therapy? Wouldn't a therapist think I was crazy if I came to his office and told him that I think I was abused but I don't remember?

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No. A therapist would not think you were crazy.

 

My friend went through a similar thing. She had vague/strong memories of past sexual abuse. When she started seeing a counsellor it came back to her more and more. It turned out her grandad had sexually abused her when she was about 5/6. She has never told anyone but me, and a couple of other friends. She refused to tell her parents or the police.

 

I think you should go to a therapist. You've lived with this for so long, I think you could benefit from an experts help. You really ARE NOT alone out there.

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-hugs- I have wondered this same thing.. but then again my brother is kinda weird too.. but that is another matter.

 

I have vague memories of abuse but nothing official. I do things I know that are wrong, accept responsibility for them, but can't say why I did them. I learn from mistakes and don't repeat the bad ones, so I know that I have a conscience and that I am not a demon as suggested. I am into demeaning & humiliating sex acts and seem to have a great desire to be sexually humiliated even though I know it will hurt.

 

I cum the hardest when I am being hurt & dominated.. I don't know what to say about the pee thing, I didn't do that but I loved to hide toys inside me and get people to guess where they were hidden.. -shrugs-

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absolutely, i work with this population (well, the offenders rather, but i still hear a lot about victims and such).

 

I have one case where the person was an offender, but it wasnt until years later that he remembered being abused by his father. he really didnt show too many 'signs' of being offended upon, but he def had no recollection of the abuse until now.

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It common not to remember sexual trauma. A good trauma therapist has techniques to help you through the process. I was physically abused, but only can remember one instance. The only thing I can remember is being afraid all of the time. It's weird that I blocked it all out, but it was a survival mechanism.

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Toddlers don't know about the sex act unless someone teaches them. How did these men gain access to you? Make sure that you see a reputable therapist. All therapists are NOT created equal.

 

I agree that I had to learn the sexual behavior somewhere. I've always thought that maybe I watched my parents have sex and that's where I got it. Is that possible? I know that I was acting sexually by the time I was 4 so I had to learn before then.

 

As far as men having access to me....there could have been many! I was born to parents who were 18. They went away to college and I only stayed with them occasionally. I actually lived with my grandparents, although my mother won't admit to that. She says that her parents helped her by keeping me...but I lived with them. My mother had 2 younger brothers and a younger sister who were all still living at home when I came along so it could have been someone in the house. If I had to guess, it was one of the brothers. I have always felt uncomfortable around him but I thought it was just because he was weird.

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One thing to remember is that maybe you don't remember it NOW because it's been so long. I was sexually abused by my father at a very young age, and I never knew it until I found out later that I had acquired an STD (found out around my teenage years but I had never had sex with anybody because I was so shy). There were also other physical aspects of it that the doctors were sure could only be due to rape/sexual abuse and they spoke to me about it so I started looking more into it. Finding out the physical aspects/consequences/results of rape were really a blessing because I would have never known why I was the way I was had it not manifested itself in a physical way. My personality reflected all the signs of someone who'd been abused (PTSD) but I would have never known why had it not been for this.

 

I had no recollection of it until I went to a therapist. We tied the knots. There were no suggestive questions like sometimes therapists get blamed for doing. Certain recollections of it all came very slowly from my memory. I later found out that he had the STD that was transmitted to me, and that one of my sister's was conceived through rape because he raped my mother. She had never spoken about this until I brought up the things that were happening to me. She told me that they only had ended up getting married because it was one of those times where if you got somebody pregnant you had to marry them. My mother was basically forced to marry a rapist by her parents because it was the right "societal" thing to do. To this day, I have no full recollection of it but now I know why I used to wake up in the middle of the night sweating because it would haunt my "dreams". I guess that no matter what happened, the trauma remained in my unconscious and it showed through my personality, and my dreams, which are really just manifestations of our unconscious. As a child, I would also pee (and sometimes poop) on myself at night because of fear. I also found that maybe I don't remember it because he used to give me drinks that to this day I am not sure if they were to make me sleep, sedate me or what. Maybe I was just too young, so I wouldn't know.

 

I haven't had sex with anybody because I'm still working on my fears, and the way I am so I wouldn't know how I like "it", but I know there are other rape victims who just enter this vicious cycle of being victims until it's treated. If you were taken advantage of as a child, it's hard for you to get out of that situation and it truly does become a cycle, and it reflects on your personality. Victims all have different ways of expressing their defense mechanisms. It's scary to think that no matter what, it always shows on your personality one way or another.

 

I would recommend that you find a Psychologist that specializes in treating victims of sexual abuse. I went through many "therapists" (people working on their internships to get their master's mostly) that made it all that harder to overcome the trauma. There's too many inept psychology majors out there who really aren't willing to help. You have to find the right match for you. Finding a Psychologist is no different than finding a friend but they know what to look for. It was so hard for me to find that right person that I would want to comfortably open up to. I don't blame the therapists that weren't able to help for not being able to work on my case. They all choose different paths to go into, and some choose to work with children with Down Syndrome rather than victims of sexual abuse. It's kind of like, choose a pediatrician for a child rather a Psychiatrist... Well you know what I mean, choose someone who has chosen to go in that field because a lot of times means they have some experience with it themselves.

 

TomboyMS is right as well. Unless someone teaches you about certain sexual acts, it's weird that you would engage in them at such a young age. There's always the "hormonally" premature kids but 4-5 is really just too young. I don't want to say anything that will seem suggestive though, because it'll interfere with your own thoughts of sexual abuse so I'll refrain from saying anything else.

 

You have some pretty good insight on what the "abnormal" behaviors are though. If it doesn't feel right then it probably isn't. I've heard of people that are into BDSM but they accept it as a way of life but you clearly are aware that in your case, it is "abnormal" so it is probably an indication of some unconscious thought processes.

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  • 1 month later...

I don't think you're crazy, because you're not. At all.

 

It can be really common for kids to assume they were somehow "bringing on" or "asking for" the sexual attention, but the fact of the matter is if a little child was asking for sex or to be touched any sane adult would get that child help, not touch the child. No matter what the situation, even if you were a little kid running around begging to be abused (which I doubt you were), NOTHING that happened to you was in ANY WAY YOUR FAULT.

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I would be careful of therapists trying to convince you of things that happen that you don't remember. There are young kids who talk about poop and flash their private parts to get attention or a rise out of people. They do it because they have been introduced to it in an inappropriate way or just the opposite - no one taught them that their body was private. My sister used to start taking off her clothes at family parties - she was NEVER abused, she just didn't know she was to go somewhere private, because, heck, mom was always in the room helping her and maybe a sibling when she was changing. She thought it was a public event among family and parties were family. She was set straight for sure.

 

Also, young kids are naturally extremely curious about their bodies.

 

Maybe you were touched, maybe you weren't. But I would stay away from therapists trying to pinpoint "who did this" and focus on your current life and your current sexual issues. In the end, it doesn't matter "why" you do or feel the way you feel but what you are doing about it to build your self esteem or understand your preferences.

 

I do think urinating in toy boxes (which to me is something different from usual sex abuse symptoms) and engaging in sex acts with friends is a questionable - but urinating in the toybox I have heard my aunt talk about relating to special needs kids she deals with and not sex abuse. Also, children often play "doctor" but most of the time they don't go beyond looking - for some unknown reason an adult never intervened or the friend didn't think it was wrong either. Maybe lack of supervision or no one telling you your body was private?

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As for the repressed memory thing...

 

My therapist, family and I believe I have repressed memories of sexual abuse. I essentially exhibited the same symptoms as a child as you did, and sex as an adult has always been a very weird thing for me. Sometimes it seems like my body remembers, as many physical triggers will set off panic attacks, but I've always found myself very frustrated by my lack of concrete memories of the abuse.

 

But what years of therapy and growth has taught me is that the memory itself isn't what's important. Remembering what happened to you probably won't help you heal, nor is it always necessary to the healing process. Even if we're going off the solid facts that you remember - a strange relationship with sex as a child and being touched by at least three different people - then you've been abused. You've been through something horrible, and now it's time to work through it. I spent practically all of my teenage years agonizing and trying to force myself to remember things, and that got me nowhere. It wasn't until I started assessing the symptoms I did have and trying to get help for those specific things that I managed to start healing.

 

First off, I would suggest shopping around for a good therapist. It might take a while to find someone who really CLICKS with you, but it's well-worth the effort. Just take baby-steps, and don't try to force yourself to be "fixed" right away.

 

As for what you enjoy sexually... it's nothing to be ashamed of. And not necessarily stemming from your abuse. If you like BDSM, and you don't feel lost or hurt or empty afterwards, then as far as I'm concerned you're good to go.

 

Best of luck.

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  • 1 month later...
  • 3 months later...

I've wondered the same thing.

 

I'm 18, and I hadn't really thought about abuse being something that might have been possible until recently. One of my friends remembered something that happened to her as a child, and she started talking about her weird behaviors, and things she said sounded sickenly familiar.

 

I was exceedingly interested in sex since I was around 4 or 5.

 

And god, it makes me sick to think about it, but I was always starting sexual games when I was between the ages of 4 and 8. Not only did I convince my friends to play games on the schoolyard where we were trapped in a cobweb and a spider was going to come rape (although I didn't know that word at the time) us, but I initiated games where my sister and i touched each other inappropriately. It makes me nauseous just thinking about it.

 

Furthermore, upon asking my mother, she admitted that she and my old pediatrician had thought I had been molested.

 

I've always been afraid of authority figures, males in particular.

 

And depsite my continuinh obsession with sex, though I sometimes think about people I might want to sleep with, I don't really have a libido. Although I do have AS and I'm taking Zoloft, so somethings have to be taken into account. Still.

 

My sexual fantasies, which I don't really think about when I'm doing private alone time, center around being dominated and slapped around. I don't know why.

 

I can't have a normal relationship, because I'm not interested.

 

I wish I could have a normal life, but I don't know how.

I don't even know if I was sexually abused or not. I can't remember much of anything until I was 5, and only bits and pieces, and occasional larger patches.

 

Should I see a therapist? I don't know what I should do.

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I think sometimes we think we don't remember because we just never thought about it. In my case, I just tucked away all my memories until I became an adult and realized that my childhood experiences were far from normal. I seemed like a normal person until I started maturing mentally and realized that none of it was normal. It's really tough to work through it, at times I thought I would never get over it. I still feel disgusted sometimes, I'm quite a perfectionist and I never feel good enough. I refuse to make it a lifelong battle though. I think eventually you'll hit a point where you'll have dealt with it appropriately and can move on for the most part.

 

As someone else's advised--get a really good therapist. This may open up a pandora's box that you may not be prepared for. I hope you have some decent support in place!! hugs. it really does get better

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  • 1 month later...

I was molested when I was 16, by a stranger. However it was after that and experiencing PTSD and all the other feelings following that, that I started to slowly think that something might have already happened when I was little too! It's not something that I could talk to my mom about at least still not now, but I talked to my sister and she said that she always had a feeling that something had happened to me when we were little too. First off like you, I was very aware of private areas by the time I was about 4, and was caught pointing to those areas out my bedroom window to the street. Secondly like you, I would always get my little sister to play "sexual games" with me like we were raping each other. This has horrified me in later years so much so that this is the first time I've ever told anyone. It's stayed between us only. By this time I was probably around 10. I always hung out with and went out with abusive guys in Junior high (physically abusive), and my first serious boyfriend in high school severly pressured me into touching and going further and further until we ended up having sex. And third just like you, I pretty much only get aroused by sex when my husband is "taking me" having to be in control of me, and I have to be submissive. I've always thought that I was just sick or something. But this makes sense. I have absolutely no recollection of any sexual abuse when I was little, but I'm really convinced that something happened and I had just suppressed all the memories!

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  • 4 months later...

Wow, I was exactly the same way as a child, I didn't know what was wrong with me or why I was drawn to being that way. Now that I'm older, Ive started researching and i have all the symptoms of being molested. The only thing is that I don't remember, I must have been about 3. I have an older brother that is ten years older then me and would always have his friends spend the night at our house when I was younger, Im thinking it might have been one of them. I'm afraid to ask my mother, but I'm glad to know I'm not the only one.

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  • 3 months later...

Hi Floridagal- I was wondering if you ever figured anything out about possible childhood molestation? Alot of what you wrote is eerily the same as me.... "Another prominent reason is my overtly sexual childhood. As a child (ages 4-5) i was incredibly drawn to sex and "dirty" things. I always tried to get my friends to do things i knew were "wrong" and i didnt understand why. I would spend the night with a neighbor and would make her "kiss" me with an open mouth. I don't think tongues were used at that point. I would crawl on top of her and make out with her. It makes me feel so disgusted to actually put this in writing." I did the exact same thing only tongues were definitely involved. And I would also straddle cloth diapers and pee on them in my room. WEIRD! I have had thoughts of being molested by my granfather at a very young age. I believe it stopped before I was old enough to really remember it, but I don't know? There are alot of things that about my family dynamics that seem to support that conclusion. Also the same things you wrote have vexed me as I have gotten older...Why was I doing those things? Are they normal? I don't really think so...

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I'm ashamed to say that I have not sought therapy for this. I don't know that I'm capable of having a conversation, even with a therapist, about the disgusting things I do/did. I did have a conversation with my parents and told them that I thought my uncle may have been inappropriate with me and I was hoping for them to validate my ideas but they acted like they weren't aware of anything like that. I would like to be able to just talk with someone who has similar symptoms as me, instead of a therapist. I wouldn't feel so ashamed. I don't know how you find something like that...like a support group.

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I was physically abused. That is documented by police and social workers as well as hospitals. Not only that, I remember some of it very vividly. That has already affected my life dramatically. However, what I have always wondered is if I was also sexually abused because of some of my behavior. I've never been sure if it's because of just the physical abuse or if there was more. I was adopted out.

 

When I was very young, 5-6 years old, (I was adopted by this time), we had a rope in our garage to climb, as well as a pole. It was placed there for us to have fun, get exercise and build strength, if we wanted. I didn't use it for that. I used it because when I would climb, I would feel...well, when the rope or pole would rub that area, it would bring me pleasure. At 5 years old.

 

My adoptive mother made me clothes and some of those clothes were halter tops. I really, really hated wearing them, in fact, I wanted to be completely covered up, wearing long sleeves and sweatshirts in the summer. (In the desert, no less.) But because I didn't want her to feel bad, I would wear these tops sometimes. I absolutely hated them but when I would play with my younger brother, I would order him to tell me I was sexy, that I looked good. Again, I was only 5 or 6.

 

When I was about 10 or 11, I would invite friends over for a sleep over and for some reason, one night I asked one friend to pretend she was a guy, lay on top of me and kiss me. I enjoyed this. We did this a few times over the course of time. One day I invited another girl to stay over and I asked her to do the same. She relented but said it was weird...I knew it was weird but I couldn't seem to stop needing this. I was ashamed of it but couldn't stop requesting it.

 

Eventually I just closed off from everyone.

 

In to my adult hood, I can't seem to have any sort of joy unless the person is acting like he's raping me. (Not punching or hitting, but "making" me have sex against my will...pretending.) If they try to be caring and sensitive and do all that foreplay, I get frustrated. For some reason, to me, sex is them "forcing" it on me and acting like they are just using and abusing me.

 

Good God this is not normal.

 

In time, I reconnected with some members of my birth family. I found out one of my siblings was molested by the "father", the same one who physically abused me. My birth mother also suggested, out of the blue, that I might have been sexually abused. I did not even hint at this to her at any time. And, I also know, she took part in my physical abuse so for her to say that, and for me to have had doubts all this time, and for him to have actually done it, documented, to a sibling of mine...I'm beginning to wonder.

 

I remember a number of incidents with the physical abuse but nothing of any sexual abuse yet all the signs are there.

 

When I was younger, just adopted, I was taking to a psychiatrist. I don't remember much, a few things and I know now why she had me do some of them. I also remember my adopted mother saying I couldn't wear certain clothing, (underwear or certain types of pants), because of some issue in that area. I was very young so I don't remember what she said, I wouldn't have understood anyway, but I remember not being able to wear certain clothes because of my private area.

 

I also wet the bed until I was 12 out of complete fear. I had nightmares all the time, insomnia was bad, I was always tired, depressed, didn't trust a soul, would lash out in anger, would lose control of myself sometimes even knowing that what I was doing was wrong but seemingly unable to stop myself from doing it because it was like a release.

 

I was constantly afraid of someone coming in to my room...I convinced myself I was afraid of ghosts but in reality, it was people I was afraid of; that they would come in to my room at night and hurt me. I had thoughts about death all the time. Not me trying to kill myself, but the very real realization that I was going to die and it could happen at any moment. Part of that is because the physical abuse was so bad, they almost did kill me.

 

When I was a teen, I was put in counseling again for my "attitude problem". I just didn't respect authority, most especially male figures. I was very aware of my body and would refuse to wear a two piece swimsuit. Even though I loved being on the swim team, I was also extremely shy about even wearing a one piece to the point that I just stopped going to practice. I couldn't handle it. In my mind, a grown man being even near me when I was wearing a swim suit was evil. I eventually dropped out of swim team when the coach called my parents and told them I wasn't in practice. I could never tell them why. It was too embarrassing and shameful.

 

As a young adult, I tried one of those group meeting things. What a disaster. Everyone was kind, supportive and all that, it wasn't their fault. We sat in a circle and everyone told their stories. Many of them were parents who gave up their kids for adoption and had incredible guilt over it, some were people who were adopted and how it affected them. Mine was the only horrific abuse story. I just remember everyone staring at me as I told the story. I remember telling myself not to cry, do not cry in front of these people, do not show any emotion, it's weakness. But I'd never had anyone give me, "that look", that complete and utter sympathetic look, let alone multiple people, and I broke down. I never went back I felt so vulnerable.

 

I still don't talk about it much. When I do, it's like a "matter of fact" kind of thing with no emotions at all.

 

I hardly ever socialize anymore, I don't have a lot of friends, it's so much easier and less hurtful to just hide. Going out in to the world causes me anxiety. I don't know why, I do this all the time for work but I feel myself getting anxious. I feel myself getting tingly and sweaty, feel my heart rate go up...I feel the fear building. It's horrible.

 

I have not been to counseling since a teen because the first one we went to was a male. I did not want to talk to a male about what a male did to me. I could only concentrate on his argyle socks and hate him. It was one meeting and I had already decided I hated him and I refused to open up. The other one was female but she always wanted to hug me. Always asking me to give her a hug. I did not want to hug! I wanted to be left alone! She also had me compare myself to objects or animals...it was so damn weird. But the hug thing...that was not the proper way to approach me. Do not touch me!

 

I startle easy to the point that people make fun of me for it. I don't find it funny. I don't like people. People are mean and do mean things. I stay hidden from society if I do not have to deal with society, I don't make a point of putting myself in society to "have fun". But at the same time, I so desperately wish I did like people, did like to hug, did trust someone, did like going out in to society. I wish I did but it's actually physically painful for me to do. Not like joints or a pain in my arm, but inside, my heart rate, my nerves, sweating, shaky...it's physically painful.

 

I am too afraid to see a therapist or psychologist because I'm afraid they'll tell me I'm weird and put me on prescription drugs. I don't want to be on any medication. And I don't want them to talk down to me or tell me I'm wrong or tell me how I have acted and act is my fault and that I should be over it by now. I also....really....really do not want to actually remember more. What I do remember is hard enough. What I wonder is bad enough.

 

Everyone says seek therapy...but I don't even trust them. I'm not sure what there is to do.

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Therapy is the best thing for you, as you need someone to personally talk to you face to face so they can evaluate you on your problems, and give appropriate responses, so my advice is to try and trust them. This doesn't mean go in there and shake hands and spill your guts, it just mean go to a therapist with an open mind about them wanting to help you. So far, you have not been to an appropriate therapist that can handle your problems. The first one you went to was a "troubled youth" sort of consulting, that's probably why you felt so alone in your problems, because that therapy made your condition too generalized. I don't recommend group therapy for someone like you, especially since you have confidence issues, but if you wanted to find people who you can relate to, then look for a group sessions of those who's been abused (physically and/or sexually), and you shouldn't feel like the black sheep anymore.

 

Also, Miss hug lady was a counselor, they do things a bit different, I'm not saying you're not going to run into a therapist like her, but that's why you should "shop around", so to speak, for a therapist that suits you. You can very well request a female therapist, and chances are she should be a bit more respecting of your space. One thing you have to get out of your mind is that a therapist would never call you "weird", as that is an offensive term, and no professional in their right mind would insult their client, especially not a professional that works in a profession that's supposed to help you cope and build self-esteem. Your confidence is too low to handle this situation with friends or family, you need someone who truly knows what to say, and can be there in person to help you out step by step.

 

Good luck to you!

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wow, reading this churns my stomach and makes me cry again for the hundredth time this morning.

for the past few months and after doing a series of self healing courses with chakra, colour and crystal work i have shed many many layers to myself i did not need anymore. with this i have found myself back at the early stages of my life. i figure up to 2 years old, when my parents were still together. this was the stage of my life i can not remember, although i remember most of my life quite clearly. this stage, although being very young, brings me discomfort. i thought it was because it was filled with constant fighting and emotional abuse between my parents, however it has come back around to things that i have repressed but felt for a long time.

for a few years now i have had the thought in my brain that i was possibly sexually abused however i wasn't certain and could not remember so i let it go. when i was 16 i began having sex and it was quite often. i enjoyed being the femme fatale and seducing any man i pleased. when i was 17 and got a boyfriend and fell in love for the first time, our sex was incredible and intimate, filled with love. everything was going smoothly. but the closer we got the more depressed i felt. i ended up going on anti depressants. i couldn't sleep without him by my side. i started getting afraid of the dark. i HATED sleeping in my room at my fathers which was coincidentally the same room i had had since being a child. when we broke up i became the femme fatale again, abusing sex.

now i am 21 and a remarkably strong woman with a lot going for me but something has not sat right for a while. around 19 i stopped having sex and have not had sex for a while. i claimed celibacy because of my spiritual journey but it has been more than that. i couldn't stand men touching men, getting close to me. i realised i didn't have many male relationships other than those with my brother and father which fluctuated between great and ****ty, depending on the amount of attention i was receiving. i am in the 'peak' of my sexuality, watching my friends partying, having fun and mingling with guys. but i hate it. i can't stand the effects of alcohol upon men's egos in clubs and pubs so i stopped going. yet again, i thought it was because i was on my different path and i was fine with that.

but here i am now, after a few weeks of serious dreams regarding alcohol and a sudden realisation that all of this relates back to my childhood and the parties my parents held as i slept in my room. they had a huge group of friends who were constantly drunk or stoned, which i thought was normal. we lived in a small community where everyone knew each other and everyone was trusted. that was my fathers opinion anyway. my mother, being sexually abused and raped as a child and young woman, constantly asked me whether i had been touched and if i had i could tell her. i always said no. she always said 'have you sat on anyones knee and they touched you?' and my response was no because no, it did not happen on someones knee. it happened in my bedroom. she got touched sitting on someones knee. when she told me of what happened to her, i was very young to hear such stories. about 7 or 8. somehow i knew what she spoke of. i have always been more mature than others, but i knew these happenings all too well and its only just hitting me now. when i was a young baby i was extremely clingy on her, screaming when she'd leave my side. i continued to sleep with my mum until i was at least 12.

still, i have an irrational fear of larger men with darker complexions and a thinner type man who is very silent. i believe this larger man touched me and this thinner man just watched me as i slept, sucking my energy like a vampire. i still have them visit me as a pair in dreams.

i remember 3 incidents of being intimate with other little girls. two where i played the doctor and wanted to look at their genitals. i kissed them, touched their nipples. another time i had another girl kiss me in a pool and touch me and i was curious but i knew it was wrong. i am definitely heterosexual now which makes me wonder why i did such things. i remember doing this with the intention of seeing if they knew what to do in these situations. it appeared only i did. i ran those creepy little shows and it makes me feel ill.

i also urinated in strange places, touched myself a lot and always covered my vagina with my hand or a blanket as i slept.

it is so horrible writing this now because all these strange things that i have never told anyone but knew led back to something are finally making sense. reading what you have written gives me that sense that i am finally not alone in this. that my depression, feelings of self worthlessness and hate are finally because of something. not because i am crazy! i have blamed myself for anything thats gone wrong for years and FINALLY IT MAKES SENSE!!! i only discovered this a few hours ago and began to understand and i am so happy i found this thread.

 

so basically, where to go from here? how do you confirm memories you do not actually have? i am only working with feelings here but generally my feelings are correct. i guess in a bittersweet way, i am in pain but also in relief. its like finding that last piece of the puzzle.

i've had therapy before and it didn't work for me. i guess i am lucky because i already work with holistic healing and it is purely soul work and this is the part of you that has been most tainted. i would suggest you try and find a natural healer who will not suggest drugs or even have to ask you too many questions - they will just know. chakra workers, crystal healers, marma pointing, sound healing, reiki, rebithing, even acupuncture can help you here. it is not just the physical, mental and emotional bodies affected here but the etheric body too. i would start with one of these if you feel any draw towards that. it really does work wonders.

a healer does not think anyone is crazy because they already know everyone is crazy in their own little way and every little quirk you have has a cause behind it. keep delving. the layers will fall away with time and when your soul and your mind are ready.

but thank you for posting that, i guess i have a confirmation for all my strange behaviours i kept locked inside for a long time.

now to email my mum!

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  • 2 weeks later...

I'm one of 6 - I am a twin (I have a twin sister). I have always been sexual - new about sex at age 6 and told my dad and my family in front of my dad's boss at 6 that I wanted to be an X-rated movie star - this was in 1967. They all laugh about it and that's the personality I was chosen by them to have. Now I have no respect from my family even though I have a good profession and have been independent - I believe that I was molested by an uncle when i was very little - before age 6 - why - because my twin sister just told she was - and now it all makes sense ... he died in 1968 ... I don't know if my mom and dad knew (my mom passed away in 1998) but I remember never being able to go to friends houses to spend the night as a young girl / teenager or having anyone over. And my dad - who is now 88 - treats me like crap - even though I do everything for him. An older sister - who happens to be a psychologist - said "well why didn't he abuse me" - is she crazy - how do I go on - I have always inferior - and I've always been overweight - I have more to my life story - including 3 children and two marriage - which were both physically and sexually abusive. How do I gain respect from family - I have told them that they have hurt me with unkind words - and they laugh and say 'that's our sister' - these people are all professionals - attorneys, engineers, psychologists - I hate them.

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What I think is more important to find out is why you are feeling guilty and disgusted after your BDSM sessions. If this is what you are into, I think you need to learn to accept that is is part of who you are and own up to it.

 

I think if you want to believe it hard enough, and motivated enough to find a reason for why you are this way then you will find a reason but I think it will do you very little good. You are still going to be into BDSM regardless of what the reasons are. Personally I think memories are very subjective and can be molded and shaped in any way, it would be very easy for an unscrupulous therapist to take your money and make you believe anything.

 

A therapist would be a good idea, but I think you need to rethink what your goals are.

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  • 3 weeks later...

there's always been a picture of me and my brother where i see him as my husband or something like that. sometimes, when he gives me a pat on the shoulder, i feel like i am being burned alive. also when my husband and i make love, i feel so disgusted. sometimes i have these bursts of anger for no reason. i also feel that i am inferior, that everyone takes advantage of me and i feel that no one or nothing makes me happy. could these be signs of childhood abuse?

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