"I left my wife for a younger woman"

[swampyankee]

Not really, but I suspect that's what my ex told my daughters.

 

The truth is, I left my ex after years of struggle, trying to work things out, etc. I left my 30 year marriage. I fully expected eventually to find someone around my age (52), empty nester like me, divorced or widowed. Purely by chance and not as a result of my search, I met a woman who happens to be 10 years younger than me. She's everything I could have hoped for and we have become deeply committed to each other. We are engaged but at our age and past experience we don't worry about the big M so much. We consider ourselves as committed as any married couple and we function as such. I do worry occasionally worry about the age diff as time goes on but my gf says it's just a number. She has 16 and 18 yr old sons but I've "been there, done that" and I stay out of the parenting issues, just offering advice when asked. She says I have been a positive influence on her sons. So much to say, I haven't just run off with a younger woman, free and clear.

 

One of the problems is, after more than 2 years, my daughters still will not meet my gf. They still invite me to visit and holiday, etc. but expect me to show up alone. I have been very patient and understanding, and have accepted every invite. I even held off proposing to my gf, feeling like my daughters need to accept her before we take that step. She is very respectful of them and has encouraged me to be patient. I have 2 sons who have reached out to us and accepted my gf.

But after 2 years, I feel like they're just being childish and stubborn in their refusal to have anything to do with her. We have moved forward with the engagement, letting all my siblings and my sons know. Since my daughters have told me they don't want to hear about my gf, I haven't told them, though I'm sure they've heard thru the grapevine by now.

 

Now the holidays are upon us, and I'm very conflicted about leaving my gf once again, to visit my daughter for T-day. I have already declined dinner but was considering stopping for dessert in the evening. But the more I think of it, the more angry and hurt I get. I have been very patient and put certain aspects of my life on hold waiting for them to face and overcome this issue. But I feel like they have taken advantage of my patience and kept me in this corner. I think its my turn to "have an issue" with their intolerance, and take a stand, decline to visit altogether and let them deal with it.

 

Anyone else with similar experience that would care to comment?

[Sparkly Eyes]

Well honestly I understand how your girls might feel although I have not been in their position thankfully. Is their mother still alone after you left? Girls can make a special bond with their mother and it would be hard to forgive a father if he hurt their mother in any way. At least that's how I feel. Why were you unhappy in your marriage?

[charity]

how old are your daughters?

[NANsense]

I can empathize with your feelings--but IMO T-day is not the day to take this stand--2 months ago would have been--in light of T-day approaching--but doing something tomorrow, that will cause a stink on the holiday--will not put you in a good light and only cause more of a rift-- you will be seen as chosing HER over them and there will be less accpetance of HER in the end--you following?

 

Wait till after the holiday--next week perhaps? And contact them--tell them that you understand if their mother has ill will towards your current rlshp--BUT as grown-ups (which your daughters are) you would appreciate them giving your GF a chance and getting to know her a bit--before deciding to hate her. Tell them that she will be in your life for a long time to come and that this grudge needs to end....that you are willing to sit down with them & your sons and everyone can air their feelings--whatever it takes--but clouding every holiday, by not inviting your Gf, has got to stop.

 

IMO they are probably doing this as some sort of silent pledge to their mom--siding with her--sort of bullying up against your GF and it's very childish--though I wouldn't word it that way or the fur would fly!

[misssmithviii]

I come from a very split yet civil family, in fact my mom's new husband and my dad (her ex husband) get along very well. My two older sisters, our step-dad's son and daughter, mom and dad and I have gone on camping trips together even! I do think it's very weird, but the reason behind it is that the SPLIT happened when my sisters and I were way too young (I was merely months old) - and even when we got older, the reasons never mattered much.

 

I am curious as to why you left your wife of 30 years, and how old your daughter are - the more facts, the more insight can be given.

[misssmithviii]

I come from a very split yet civil family, in fact my mom's new husband and my dad (her ex husband) get along very well. My two older sisters, our step-dad's son and daughter, mom and dad and I have gone on camping trips together even! I do think it's very weird, but the reason behind it is that the SPLIT happened when my sisters and I were way too young (I was merely months old) - and even when we got older, the reasons never mattered much.

 

I am curious as to why you left your wife of 30 years, and how old your daughter are - the more facts, the more insight can be given.

[journeynow]

How are things now between you and their mother? This may have more to do with how things went with you and their mother when you split, how you left her, how the divorce went, and your relationship now with your ex-wife.

 

If she was deeply hurt, if the divorce was difficult for her, if you were with your girlfriend before the divorce was final, if your ex-wife is still healing, then all these things could affect your daughters and how they feel about your girlfriend joining in family gatherings. Maybe there is some healing you can do between you and your ex-wife? How strong is your relationship with your daughters without your girlfriend involved? Have you asked them how they feel about your relationship?

 

My parents divorced when I was in my 20s, and to be honest, I had no interest in meeting his new girlfriend (who was younger than I). Slightly different situation than yours, and they were long distance, but I felt no connection to her, and my dad distanced himself from me and my siblings even more with her in his life. He never asked about us, it was all about him and her and her kids. I'm not saying you are like that, but I can imagine what your daughters might be feeling.

[swampyankee]

Alot of questions from all directions.

The stats: 4 children, 26 thru 32 all grown and married, some grandchildren. Left ex after they were all married off.

We were never completely compatible, but since we were married young and had kids right away I made a comittment to myself to find a way to make it work. It wasn't the best relationship but we managed to set our differences aside and work together to provide a solid loving home.

But after the kids were on their way I found my future looked bleak and unhappy. I sought conseling to "fix" myself but all indicators pointed to dissatisfaction with marriage. I then focused on discussing these issues and spent time one-on-one and in marriage counseling. The oldest kids saw it, knew I was unhappy and told me I had their support for whatever I needed to do. it was a several year process of discussions, counseling, etc. not just some overnight decision. When I left I set her up with bills paid, the house to live in rent-free for as long as it took, and a decent allowance. The divorce process took 2 years due to her procrastination and "changes of heart". Even now I continue to support her and will for some years to come.

 

One of the issues with my ex is that she is one big dysfunctional ball of emotions. There are some serious childhood issues that contribute to it, but she has mastered the art of manipulation and uses her emotionalism to control situations. Even my oldest daughter admits she can only take so much at a time. As my son puts it, she sucks everyone into her vortex, leaving them exhausted. As was stated, my daughters have developed a bond with their mom and she has taken full advantage of it. And yes, it would appear that there is "some sort of silent pledge to their mom--siding with her--sort of bullying up against your GF". And I'm just sick and hurt by their childishness. My younger daughter had a baby in July and although I wanted to visit her 1300 miles away, she wouldn't even answer my phone calls even though I faithfully called weekly and at different times of day.

 

Declining an invite on T-day is not that big a deal. My younger daughter, although back in the area, isn't going from what I understand, and my oldest son chose to go to his in-laws. I plan to respectfully decline, as she has done to every invite I have offered to visit my home.

[Eriel]

I can understand how your daughters feel about you, based on my experience when my father left my mother, and later ended up with a younger woman than my mother, I was pissed off and angry at my father. The hardest part for me was seeing my mother go through the pain, heartache, tears etc. when my father left us. It may take some time for your daughters to forgive you and welcome your gf into the fam but, even if they decide to not let her in their lives, there really is nothing you can do about it, because you cannot change the way people feel about the situation until they decide to.

[charity]

i'm sorry, its a hard and sad situation. genetically they are maybe very like their mother and feelvery emotional about the whole thing. they are not being rational or mature about this, and perhaps they never will. i can understand their immediate resentment of your gf but now after 2 years it istime to let go of anger and hostility, if they have love for you at all.

 

all i can advise is that you sit them down (together or separately) and explain how this makes you feel. tell them you love them, and that these things happen. people break up. you haven't done anything wrong and if your wife and you were not happy and it seems you really tried, then of course you had to try to find some happiness for yourself. its your god given right to choose. and now luckily for you ,you have found someone who bring light to your life and you would love to share the happiness with them(or at the very least acceptance and tolerance.) do they want you to be unhappy? perhaps they do?tell them that even if you had not met your gf, you and their mother would still have divorced. life has challenges and everything does not always go how we expect or hope . it is time for them to realize this and be more open to the situation.

 

if they are still negative after talking, then i dunno what to tell you. you can only accept that they are not emotionally ready to face you and your gf as a couple. stay being a good father, surely it has to pay off!!!

[swampyankee]

Thanx Charity.

Based on past conversations I know for a fact my ex has bombarded them with her emotions and "poor me" spiels. I have had long conversations, explaining why I left their Mom, expressing my understanding of their hurt and apologizing for the brokenness. There is still alot there and I've asked my older daughter to get together and talk about the issues and how she feels, etc. She says she wants to but has canceled out on me a couple of times so far. My younger daughter just plain doesn't answer the phone or bother to return calls, so there is no way I can even start a dialogue there. The real hurt is that she now has a 4 month old son that she hasn't given me the opportunity to see. If she acknowledges my calls it's via text or email, and always polite, saying she is too busy to talk, etc. Although I continue to try to bridge the gap, the younger daughter has built a wall. It's only a matter of time before I am just too hurt to continue trying.

 

For all you daughters that sided with your moms in anger against your dads, I'm here to say us dads hurt just as much. At least in my case, our hearts are just as broken over the thought of having our dream of a lifelong love fall apart. And although you can identify with your mom's woes, remember, there are 2 sides to the story, it takes 2 people to make or break a relationship.

[lavenderdove]

Did you leave your wife for this woman (i.e., start up with her before you left your wife)? If that is the case, sometimes children never forgive a parent who cheats and leaves their partner for someone else. If that is how you met your fiancee, then you may have to accept that they'll never accept her because they feel the betrayal of the family is too deep.

 

But if you were already divorced before you met this woman then your grown children are being very unfair. You can't change their minds, but you can live your life. Just go about your business, continue to invite them to your house (even if they don't come). They may eventually accept your new wife, or may not. You can't control that, so you have to just live your life and hope they snap out of it eventually.

[NANsense]

Thank-you for adding more info....I agree that, if you decide to speak to them--charity has detailed several points that would be great to make!

 

In the end I feel--it's ultimately up to them to see the light on this one--it's a shame that they seemingly don'r appreciate you staying and trying all those years--just so they could have a family all under one roof! You sacrificed your own happiness, put your kids first, at your own expense & it must hurt that they don't see that.

 

Just how long were you supposed to be in a loveless marriage? They were all off on their own before you left!

 

I'm sorry that they are behaving the way they are towards you & your GF....I hope one day they feel differently!

[thathoopla]

Although I can see your side of the story, and the frustration that's involved with your position...it's not really your fault, you left the marriage, then found someone. I still believe that your daughters have every right not to want to meet your gf. She may be an important person to you, and as your daughters they should love you and try to accept who you decide to be with, but they don't have to be obligated to meet her or accept her. That's just the reality of split families. They're...split.

 

I would never want to associate with a new person my parent wants, unless the other parent was abusive, or unless the new partner is not treating them well. I'd just say to have a good life.

[swampyankee]

Although I can see your side of the story, and the frustration that's involved with your position...it's not really your fault, you left the marriage, then found someone. I still believe that your daughters have every right not to want to meet your gf. She may be an important person to you, and as your daughters they should love you and try to accept who you decide to be with, but they don't have to be obligated to meet her or accept her. That's just the reality of split families. They're...split.

 

I would never want to associate with a new person my parent wants, unless the other parent was abusive, or unless the new partner is not treating them well. I'd just say to have a good life.

 

I understand the difficulty of meeting the "other woman", but what hurts is that they expect me to still be a grandparent to their kids, but leave my present life and partner behind and just show up out of the woodwork. I'm forced to make choices between my fiancee and them, and I'm getting to the point where I feel like - just as they did - I need to choose to focus on my own life. I would love to be able to invite them and the grandkids over the house or go sailing, etc. but it's all such a taboo subject.

 

lavenderdove - I met this woman a few months after I left my ex. Not yet divorced, as the relationship developed I kept it quiet. But the thing is, I had checked out of my marriage a year before and the kids knew it based on conversations I had with them. They said they understood and offered their support for whatever I needed to do. But my ex apparently has pieced together her own version of the story and come to the conclusion that I must've been seeing someone at least 6 months before I left (absolutely not true!) and I believe she has told our daughters that my fiancee had been "the other woman" for that long.

I have asked the girls to get together to discuss what their mom has been telling them in an attempt to dispell some of the fallacies, but they have not yet given me the time to do so.

[captchapitcha]

Maybe it's because you moved on too quickly after you left your ex? To be honest though, 10 years isn't THAT much of a difference. (In contrast, my dad married a woman 17 years younger than him, and only 17 years older than me.) He married her when she was 25. Now that's just nasty, and I can't say that I can't see her as anything other than a gold digger, but in your situation it seems somewhat different.

 

You can't really force your daughters to accept your girlfriend though. It also doesn't sound like you were that close to them before you divorced your ex, which is partly the reason why they won't accept your situation. (For example, I was much closer to my mother and I accepted her remarriage to a man 10 years her senior.) If you try forcing them to interact, it will probably lead to an ugly situation.

[LightbulbSun]

The age difference isn't the problem.

 

I think the problem is that you moved on too fast, and your daughters feel betrayed with this new woman. They still love their mother, so they're supporting her by not supporting your new girlfriend.

 

And there is also the possibility that they blame themselves. A lot of divorce children feel that way, even as adults.