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MEN: What makes you emotionally attached to a woman?


love4life

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Is it after a certain amount of time that you're dating her?

 

Is it having sex with her?

 

Is it a particular thing she does for you (or for herself or someone else) that makes you realize she's special?

 

Or is it something else?

 

Can you share your stories about how and when you knew you were head over heels for your GF/Ex-GF? The more details, the better!

 

 

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For my longest relationship, I didn't know how crazy I was about her until it seemed like she was about to date my best friend. I know that sounds a little bit off, but it just hit me like a ton of bricks. We were just friends, but there was no way I was going to let her go once I realized what hit me.

 

For my last relationship, it was an exact moment. She was having a terrible day. She came to visit me, and she needed to just talk. We spent the entire afternoon in a bar telling each other intimate stories. It was fun, but that wasn't what did it. We came back to my place, and the room was pitch black except for my computer. I made her listen to a song about making mistakes, one that really touches me, and she started to cry. I looked at her, then she looked at me, and I knew beyond any doubt at all that I was madly in love with her. I hadn't felt that feeling in forever.

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Sleeping with a girl gets me more emotionally involved, which is why I don't sleep around, I wouldn't be able to handle it. Only sleep with girls I already care about.

 

As for falling for them in the first place... it's just the chemistry, who they are as a person. It's a gradual thing, but depending on the girl (and my personal state of mind) I might fall for them quicker.

 

Only had feelings for a handful of girls my entire life, I'm usually quite distant from most people. But you do occasionally meet someone who you just can't get enough of. Love everything they say, rush home from work so you can see them or call them, would do anything for them. I can't quite put my finger on why. There are girls I'm friends with who are beautiful, genuine, sincere, kind, wonderful people --- but I have absolutely zero feelings for, just want to hang out with them, and even after years nothing develops. But now and again someone special will turn up who just has that smile, or a way of cheering you up whenever you're having a bad day. I think it's loads of little things that make me care for a girl

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Is it after a certain amount of time that you're dating her?

 

It does happen after a certain amount of time, but that doesn't mean it's the same amount of time for each girl. I once had it happen after 2 months when I went on a trip with the boys to Mexico. I was in another country with lots of beautiful women, some of them hitting on me, when I realized I was only thinking about her. This last time, I was actually going to end things with the girl and then I realized I would be very sad without her in my life. Instead of breaking things off, we made it official.

 

Is it having sex with her?

 

Sex has almost nothing to do with the emotional attachment. The sex should be good because that is part of the chemistry, but it doesn't have anything to do with the emotions.

 

Is it a particular thing she does for you (or for herself or someone else) that makes you realize she's special?

 

The girls that I've fallen in love with showed me love when I didn't even ask for it. This last girlfriend would get so excited to support me in my triathlons and marathons. She honestly was the biggest support (besides my parents) I've ever had in my life. It felt so good to do the race, knowing she was going to be at the finish line waiting for me -- excited to see me. That's how I knew she was interested in me and not just what I did for her.

 

Or is it something else?

 

Really what it comes down to is getting past the sexual chemistry. When you realize that you want to spend Friday night, Saturday night, and time during the week with her... she's a big part of your life. It's different for all men, but my experiences have been from between 2 and 6 months. It all depends how quickly you can get to know them and what kind of time you've spent with them.

 

Thanks, now I'm depressed again.

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I went on a trip with the boys to Mexico. I was in another country with lots of beautiful women, some of them hitting on me, when I realized I was only thinking about her.

 

Interesting to hear this, BK - one of the reasons my ex gave when he broke up with me was that while he was in Vegas he didn't miss me.

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Interesting to hear this, BK - one of the reasons my ex gave when he broke up with me was that while he was in Vegas he didn't miss me.

 

Wow, that couldn't have felt good to hear. I'm sorry that he was so blunt, but I guess there really is nothing good to hear when someone is dumping you. When my ex dumped me, all I really wanted to hear was, "let's work through this." Does it help you at all to know that he wasn't feeling emotionally bonded to you, or does that hurt more? I don't really know your story, sorry.

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Wow, that couldn't have felt good to hear. I'm sorry that he was so blunt, but I guess there really is nothing good to hear when someone is dumping you. When my ex dumped me, all I really wanted to hear was, "let's work through this." Does it help you at all to know that he wasn't feeling emotionally bonded to you, or does that hurt more? I don't really know your story, sorry.

 

Well, I won't bore you with the details of mine, lol. He was blunt about many things when breaking up with me. But he also was crying and sent some mixed messages. Like you, all I wanted was to work through it and I sure put in one hell of an effort to do so for 2 months after the fact. We were together 5 months, which was the longest relationship he's had, and he'd expressed his fears of commitment and marriage earlier, so I should have seen it coming. A couple of my original posts on the topic are here:

 

 

 

 

I would say it helps AND it hurts that he wasn't emotionally bonded to me. I know that he was very early on. I could just feel it in certain moments we were together. But those were fleeting, and few and far between. It hurts because I had invested my heart in him more than I had with anyone else. I was sure I would marry him one day if I was just patient with his fear of commitment - I didn't push him to spend more time with me than he was comfortable with, I didn't cling, I wasn't needy. I feel like I did everything right.

 

But it helps me because it brings me back to reality and forces me to say to myself, "Why should I waste any more time thinking about a guy who probably hasn't given me or my feelings a second thought?"

 

I guess my fear coming out of it is that I'm attracted to the emotionally unavailable/commitmentphobic ones.

 

What's your story, BK? I don't see any original threads here and I see you're new, as well. Welcome to eNA; you'll love it - heartbroken people are a blast! ;-)

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It's It's It's,,,,,,

 

The way she looks at me,that makes me feel special.

The way she kisses me,with love and affection.

The way she has sex with me,but she's really making love.

The way she sends me texts saying "I love you".

The way she makes me feel, I couldn't live without her

The way she makes me feel like I'm 10 feet tall

And that's only for starters

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Well, I won't bore you with the details of mine, lol. He was blunt about many things when breaking up with me. But he also was crying and sent some mixed messages. Like you, all I wanted was to work through it and I sure put in one hell of an effort to do so for 2 months after the fact. We were together 5 months, which was the longest relationship he's had, and he'd expressed his fears of commitment and marriage earlier, so I should have seen it coming. A couple of my original posts on the topic are here:

 

 

]

 

I checked out your posts and learned a little more about what you went through. It's horrible that you felt so strongly about him only to be hurt, and then hurt some more during your pseudo NC phase. I know how that feels -- even if you can look back at it and recognize some signs you didn't see. Don't beat yourself up over that. I have learned a lot from my exes on what it is that I am looking for and some things that I definitely cannot live with. Example: I had two g/fs in a row in my late 20s (10 months and 10 months) who were not emotionally available because of having got out of a recent relationship. They were both very painful in the end, but I've learned to recognize emotional availability from those experiences. My fear is that I've been learning for almost 20 years and I can't keep learning via break-up!

 

I would say it helps AND it hurts that he wasn't emotionally bonded to me. I know that he was very early on. I could just feel it in certain moments we were together. But those were fleeting, and few and far between. It hurts because I had invested my heart in him more than I had with anyone else. I was sure I would marry him one day if I was just patient with his fear of commitment - I didn't push him to spend more time with me than he was comfortable with, I didn't cling, I wasn't needy. I feel like I did everything right.

 

You sound like you did a lot right. The one issue was that you let yourself believe that you could get him to change over time. I'm not saying that people do not change, but they have to do it on their own, they have to want to, and they have to recognize a need for change. It seems as if he didn't have all those things, not that it makes it any easier.

 

But it helps me because it brings me back to reality and forces me to say to myself, "Why should I waste any more time thinking about a guy who probably hasn't given me or my feelings a second thought?"

 

Amen!

 

I guess my fear coming out of it is that I'm attracted to the emotionally unavailable/commitmentphobic ones.

 

It is a valid fear to think you will commit the same mistakes in the future. But, if you do the healing process correctly... talk about it on here, read books that are related to the topic, and even see a therapist if need be... you will learn and be better the next time around. A man can be a little hesitant to start a relationship, but he'll be able to communicate his fears to you and ask you for support in going along if he really cares about you. I've discovered over the years what true communication looks like (although I still made the mistake in this last one).

 

What's your story, BK? I don't see any original threads here and I see you're new, as well. Welcome to eNA; you'll love it - heartbroken people are a blast! ;-)

 

I am new to the postings. I have found that it's therapeutic to speak with others in the same situation. I have many good friends and a great family, but they can't hear about it as much as I'd like to talk about it. I'm sure my family will get plenty of my nonsense this weekend! Thanks for the welcome, and we are a blast.

 

I haven't posted my whole story, but may. The quick version is that we met online at the end of February and dated for 8 months. She and I are so compatible, it's not even funny. We both like to exercise a lot, enjoy hanging with each other's friends, have great families, like some of the same TV shows, enjoy traveling, want the same things in life (marriage/kids), agree on religion, politics, and money, and really have a similar set of values/morals. I got a little freaked out in the beginning and ended it, thinking I wasn't ready for a relationship with her (I'm been discussing this trying to figure out why I did it). I convinced myself it was because I was scared and that I really wanted to be with her, so we got back together within a week. After that, she saw my level of commitment and the relationship was great. In my mind, I felt some missing pieces in the communication and mentioned it to her but it never was truly addressed. I just felt the deepness of communication wasn't as deep as it should be. Of course I ignored it for the most part. We spent quite a bit of time with my family and her family over the months and it really felt like things were going good. I was picturing her living in my house with me, us making plans to get married, and how she'd be a great mother and wife. She was very supportive of my life -- it felt great. The week before the break up, she was a little distant and I didn't think too much of it until after the big talk. We had a little argument on a Saturday night after a friend's wedding and she cried about how she was feeling not appreciated. We didn't even spend the night together. Monday night, she called and said she was coming over after work. She did, but it wasn't to hang out and talk about what happened, it was to break up.

 

It lasted probably 3 hours, much like yours... very emotional and very hard. She said that she didn't know how she'd feel in a couple of weeks, and honestly she really just wanted time to think. I told her she couldn't keep me on hold like that. If we were a couple, we needed to work through it. Most of the reasons that she gave me were her not feeling like I appreciated her and that I didn't care as much about her as she did I. Looking back, that doesn't make sense now. That week, I sent a couple of texts and an e-mail or two explaining how I realized the things she was talking about were easy to fix, that I loved her, and that I wanted to make her happy. I was basically giving her a solution to the issue -- and I was completely committed to that plan. NC. Finally on Friday of that week, I sent one last e-mail and said that it wasn't very nice to not reply... that she should at least tell me it's over, or that she needs time to think. She sent a very proper e-mail saying that it was too late for apologies and that she couldn't get over it. She was "sorry it had to be this way". That day I left flowers for her and two days later is was my birthday. I got no thank you for the flowers, no call for my birthday, and that was the beginning of my NC. I did send an e-mail to her mother the following Tuesday and her mother responded like 4 days later saying it was very sweet, but she obviously couldn't talk about what Beth was thinking. It's been over 2 weeks now with NO contact. I won't call again, at least any time soon. I'm afraid that I'll be tempted to do something when her birthday comes around in December.

 

That's the short version.

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Is it after a certain amount of time that you're dating her?

 

Is it having sex with her?

 

Is it a particular thing she does for you (or for herself or someone else) that makes you realize she's special?

 

Or is it something else?

 

Can you share your stories about how and when you knew you were head over heels for your GF/Ex-GF? The more details, the better!

 

 

For me it's falling in love and feeling loved back. Finding her attractive, the fact she makes you feel good about yourself, and getting intimate with her all contribute. I think back and it felt like our hearts beat in synch together. I just wanted to be around her all the time. Our friends got jealous about all the time we spent with one another. Guess it was like John and Yoko for a while ...

 

I married my first real love.

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Funny! BK, you and I met our exes at the same time (February) and via the same medium!

 

I have learned a lot from my exes on what it is that I am looking for and some things that I definitely cannot live with. Example: I had two g/fs in a row in my late 20s (10 months and 10 months) who were not emotionally available because of having got out of a recent relationship. They were both very painful in the end, but I've learned to recognize emotional availability from those experiences. My fear is that I've been learning for almost 20 years and I can't keep learning via break-up!

 

So true. We learn from all our mistakes and heartbreaks. And you will find someone who is right for you and willing to work through any issues. Have you noticed a trend, perhaps, that you are attracted to the same types of women?

 

You sound like you did a lot right. The one issue was that you let yourself believe that you could get him to change over time. I'm not saying that people do not change, but they have to do it on their own, they have to want to, and they have to recognize a need for change. It seems as if he didn't have all those things, not that it makes it any easier.

 

My ex told me from day one about his commitmentphobia and as things progressed and became more serious I asked what he thought it stemmed from. "I don't know," was the response I got. I suggested he go to therapy. "Yeah, I know," was the response I got. I also said I was willing to go to couples counseling if he wanted. I don't really think he responded to that (at least I can't remember how he responded). I guess my thought process when he informed me of this was, "Oh he'll change his mind when he sees how patient I am and he'll be willing to change because we have such a great connection!" I've learned now - men say what they mean and you can't change a man. Funny though, when we broke up I told him he needed therapy and when we had that get-together about 6 weeks later, he said he was "planning" on going. If he has gone, I feel kind of cheated that I inspired him to go, and yet some other woman will reap the benefits of his improvement.

 

It is a valid fear to think you will commit the same mistakes in the future. But, if you do the healing process correctly... talk about it on here, read books that are related to the topic, and even see a therapist if need be... you will learn and be better the next time around. A man can be a little hesitant to start a relationship, but he'll be able to communicate his fears to you and ask you for support in going along if he really cares about you. I've discovered over the years what true communication looks like (although I still made the mistake in this last one).

 

Yes, I'm doing much better - I've been in therapy, been posting plenty on here and I'm actually back on the dating scene as of 2 weeks ago. Have had 3 first dates - one decent, one terrible (I came home and cried after that one!) and one pretty good. I figure 4 months after a 5-month relationship is a good time to jump back in!

 

I haven't posted my whole story, but may. The quick version is that we met online at the end of February and dated for 8 months. She and I are so compatible, it's not even funny. We both like to exercise a lot, enjoy hanging with each other's friends, have great families, like some of the same TV shows, enjoy traveling, want the same things in life (marriage/kids), agree on religion, politics, and money, and really have a similar set of values/morals. I got a little freaked out in the beginning and ended it, thinking I wasn't ready for a relationship with her (I'm been discussing this trying to figure out why I did it). I convinced myself it was because I was scared and that I really wanted to be with her, so we got back together within a week. After that, she saw my level of commitment and the relationship was great. In my mind, I felt some missing pieces in the communication and mentioned it to her but it never was truly addressed. I just felt the deepness of communication wasn't as deep as it should be. Of course I ignored it for the most part. We spent quite a bit of time with my family and her family over the months and it really felt like things were going good. I was picturing her living in my house with me, us making plans to get married, and how she'd be a great mother and wife. She was very supportive of my life -- it felt great. The week before the break up, she was a little distant and I didn't think too much of it until after the big talk. We had a little argument on a Saturday night after a friend's wedding and she cried about how she was feeling not appreciated. We didn't even spend the night together. Monday night, she called and said she was coming over after work. She did, but it wasn't to hang out and talk about what happened, it was to break up.

 

It lasted probably 3 hours, much like yours... very emotional and very hard. She said that she didn't know how she'd feel in a couple of weeks, and honestly she really just wanted time to think. I told her she couldn't keep me on hold like that. If we were a couple, we needed to work through it. Most of the reasons that she gave me were her not feeling like I appreciated her and that I didn't care as much about her as she did I. Looking back, that doesn't make sense now. That week, I sent a couple of texts and an e-mail or two explaining how I realized the things she was talking about were easy to fix, that I loved her, and that I wanted to make her happy. I was basically giving her a solution to the issue -- and I was completely committed to that plan. NC. Finally on Friday of that week, I sent one last e-mail and said that it wasn't very nice to not reply... that she should at least tell me it's over, or that she needs time to think. She sent a very proper e-mail saying that it was too late for apologies and that she couldn't get over it. She was "sorry it had to be this way". That day I left flowers for her and two days later is was my birthday. I got no thank you for the flowers, no call for my birthday, and that was the beginning of my NC. I did send an e-mail to her mother the following Tuesday and her mother responded like 4 days later saying it was very sweet, but she obviously couldn't talk about what Beth was thinking. It's been over 2 weeks now with NO contact. I won't call again, at least any time soon. I'm afraid that I'll be tempted to do something when her birthday comes around in December.

 

That's the short version.

 

Did she not even tell you WHY she felt unappreciated? All I can think of is if you were kind to her, supportive and a friend, what more could she want? Sounds like you were willing to commit to her and if you wanted the same things, then everything should have been fine. Do you think maybe it was a delayed reaction to you breaking up with her earlier? Maybe she felt she lost some trust from that....I'm not sure, though.

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It's nice to meet someone with a similar story once in a while, even if it sucks.

 

So true. We learn from all our mistakes and heartbreaks. And you will find someone who is right for you and willing to work through any issues. Have you noticed a trend, perhaps, that you are attracted to the same types of women?

 

I agree with that statement. Here is my issue with it: I am now 37 and realize that I'd like to find someone and start having a family before I get too old. I'm established in my education, career, hobbies, house, and it's time for the next phase of my life. Same types? I did date two girls in a row that weren't emotionially available (i.e. rebound), but I learned that lesson. I'm smarter than that now, for the most part.

 

Isn't it sad how we can overlook such an obvious thing like unable to commit sometimes? To me it's very frustrating. I agree that you can't change people from where they are in life. They may be able to share their life and share in your life. They can learn to understand your needs, but they need to be able to communicate and want to be committed before you meet them.

 

I figure 4 months after a 5-month relationship is a good time to jump back in!

 

I'd say so. I'm at 3 weeks on 8 months, so I'm not quite there, although I'm starting to reach out for new friends and I'm trying to get ready for social situations. I haven't done anything more than one-on-one time with a single friend so far.

 

Did she not even tell you WHY she felt unappreciated? All I can think of is if you were kind to her, supportive and a friend, what more could she want? Sounds like you were willing to commit to her and if you wanted the same things, then everything should have been fine. Do you think maybe it was a delayed reaction to you breaking up with her earlier? Maybe she felt she lost some trust from that....I'm not sure, though.

 

She gave me many example of why she didn't feel appreciated. It was little things, and I agreed that I could have been better about that stuff. The problem is that she didn't want to give me the chance to do those things for her. I guess she held it in too long and it was "too late" by the time she was breaking up with me. I am not a fighter or yeller, so we always spoke kindly to each other. I guess the issue was how I supported her. I'm frustrated that she didn't communicate those needs in a way that I could understand. When she finally did, she was breaking up with me and I couldn't fix it. I cared about her enough to make those little changes (it wasn't changing me). Looking back, I do think it's possible that she never let go of my breaking up with her. I don't feel like it was affecting the daily relationship, but it could have always been in her mind. Who knows? Maybe you can ask her for me!

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