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fruitapus09

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  1. Day 35 Tennessee- I know it's a bad idea to keep going to the event, but it is a great place to meet guys, and he can't possibly go every single week! It's a bit tricky because the friend I go with has known him for like 20 years, so she will talk to him at some point. Last time I passed them by for the bathroom like I didn't see them but that might not always work. I think it would be good for me to say hi one of these times, if the girl isn't around of course. Still feeling a bit rough. Trying to feel the rejection instead of suppressing it with excuses and what-ifs. I think that's the only way to feel negative enough to stop liking him. Otherwise I keep blaming myself that it didn't work out, I should have tried one more time before he met this girl, he probably thinks I'm crazy, etc. I guess I learned a lot of lessons for the next guy I meet and like, but I'm not quite ready for the next guy (still a bit emotional about my 6yr ex I broke up with in April - not in love anymore but still need to heal from those lessons learned too). But I feel like I need to meet someone else to get this guy out of my head. Thinking that the advice on ENA is to date other people and your ex will want you more. I think that it could be working in reverse for me! He certainly is more attractive out having fun and smiling than he was moping in his house watching TV in the dark.
  2. Still day 33 What a crazy rollercoaster of emotions I had all day. Had that all over hot oh crap feeling, felt teary-eyed, felt like this new fling he has won't work so this doesn't change anything, blah blah blah. Can't decide if I should now avoid the weekly event I saw him at. It sucks because my friends and I have been waiting weeks to go, due to time commitments and bad weather, it had to be yesterday, and he had to be there too. Was I wrong not to say hi? I think I was initially in shock, and went into avoidance. Plus he was there with a girl, I didn't want to interfere or cause trouble. If I see him again without a date, I might at least smile. My friends think he was wrong for not saying hi. Maybe he didn't want to flaunt that he had a date. I actually am glad he didn't. It will take 30 more days of NC to get over this as it is! Why does this have to be so hard??? It doesn't make any sense. Still haven't shredded the phone number, and haven't deleted his pics from my computer (though I have not looked at them in at least 6 weeks). Want to feel like "it's his loss" but i feel like i made a ton of mistakes that i will never be able to fix. It's frustrating.
  3. Day 33 Didn't sleep much at all last night. Kept having dreams/thoughts of him walking right past me over and over. It was the chance encounter I was hoping to have, except he wasn't alone. Ugh. The thought came into my head that maybe he cheated on this girl with me, but I don't think so. They looked like they were very "new", and barely interacting with each other. He seemed so smiley and cute and happy talking to his friends though, and that was hard to see because he looked so adorable. She seemed either really shy or disinterested in the whole event, hard to tell. I did catch him looking at me for a long time towards the end of the night. Wasn't smiling then. I avoided eye contact by pretending to listen to a conversation happening in front of me. He left shortly afterward. Haven't shredded the paper with his phone number on it yet but should. So hard to believe I ended up in something so one sided, it's never been like this for me before. I usually can tell right away if someone isn't interested, and I can save myself the pain. I really thought it was just bad timing, and not a lack of interest. Wish I could stay home from work, but moping would be bad, plus I just got back from a mini-vacation with my family the other night, and my boss would kill me if I took another day off. Was waiting for work to settle down in a week or two before breaking NC because it is hard to think about someone else when you are so stressed all the time.
  4. Day 32 (miscounted yesterday as 30 when it should have been 31) Was really considering contacting him in a week or so. Thought of an inside joke i was going to send him, then maybe bring up a weekly outdoor thing that I thought he might go to, but the weather has been bad lately so I haven't been. Well the weather was good today, and there he was. I thought how I would deal with that, but to make matters worse, he was with someone. And I tried to imagine that maybe she was a friend or something, but saw him bend over and give her a peck. Stab stab stab to the heart. I can only be glad that fate allowed good weather after the 30 days, because a few weeks ago I would have been a complete mess. At first just thought it was him, and felt ill and had to look around to see if I could spot him again, then they were in front of me plain as day. Don't think he saw me until much later but by then I was doing my best to smile and look like I was having a good time. Friends said I looked good. I guess this was the kick in the butt I needed, and hopefully it works out like that, but god it hurts tonight, like a kick to the gut! So close to breaking NC. How bad it would have hurt if he didn't answer because he was already seeing someone else, and I would have just thought he still wasn't ready.
  5. Day 30 Looked back at old posts. Feel 1000% better than I did at Day 1, but not that much better than I did around Day 15 or so. Gave up all hope of him contacting me. Still want to contact him, but think that I need more time. So I will keep going.
  6. Day 25 For whatever reason want to cry today. Woke up thinking of him as always.
  7. Early day 24 Went to a friend's house for the first time, and actually felt a little panic and queasy when I realized how close she lives to the man I am NC-ing. Why? Was I afraid I'd do something crazy and drive by his house? Was I afraid that he would see me somehow? Was I HOPING he would see me? I don't know, just felt nervous about it. It turned out to be fine, I didn't have to go past his street or anything to get there. Reading The New Codpendency. I have known i have had these issues for many years, I am the child of an alcoholic, and my two longest relationships were with alcoholics. I don't have the control issues now that I had with my exes and their drinking, but it is still good for me to read and remind myself how trying to start a new relationship brought out all of this behavior again. I wish I had another chance with this guy. The book says you need to surrender everything and just let whatever will be happen, but it's hard for me to be like that. Besides being a codependent, I am a problem solver by nature, and I sometimes think you have to take action, or nothing will ever happen. I am way calmer about everything now after taking this time to get my head together. It is hard because I want a second chance and don't know if I will get one.
  8. Day 22 My appetite returned this week, have to be careful because I was really enjoying my new look! Dropped 15 lbs since February, about half from getting a dog and walking at least 3 hours a week with him. The other half is probably a combo of breaking up with my ex and then a month later meeting and falling for the object of my NC... Anyway, last night was the best night of sleep I've had in ages. Hope today goes well. Still think of him when cuddling up to go to bed or waking up in the morning. Mornings were my best time with him, hope I have the chance to have more. Still debating on whether I will contact him after my crazy work schedule calms down in mid-August. I am surprised that after not seeing for him for a month, I still have these feelings for him. Everyone assumes that I made up these feelings, but could I really fake it for a month? I find myself comparing every other guy I meet to him, and not interested in any of them. As part of NC I decided not to look at the pictures I have of him, but I feel like I should, just to make sure I'm really still attracted and not just making that up in my head.
  9. Day 19 Woke up feeling warm and fuzzy thinking about him before I remembered not to. I know it isn't just loneliness or a need to replace my last boyfriend because i was asked out by somebody and declined because i'm not interested. Exes are coming out of the woodwork on Facebook, its a nice distraction to think people are thinking of me 10 and 18 years later, but I still want my NC guy to find me!
  10. Day 18 Amazed I'm still thinking about this guy. I'm doing much better, not obsessing, and had some distractions, meeting new guys I am not interested in, heard from an ex from 10 years ago, etc. But still miss him. Torn between the concept of fate bringing us together again sometime in the future, and trying one more time in about a month to ask him out for a drink to see what happens.
  11. Day 15 It's going pretty good, but last night met a bunch of guys and realized that until I'm over this one, none of them are going to be good enough. The urge to drunk text was really hitting me, glad I deleted his number from my phone. When i think of him, i get warm and fuzzy. This is someone i haven't seen in almost a month. I think of what I would say to him if we were talking, I think of cuddling up with him, all sorts of things. I am not moving on very well at all.
  12. Day 12 Talked to a mutual friend about him. She doesn't know him all that well, and wants me to date another friend anyway, so it went OK. She did casually mention that the object of my NC has a "psycho ex girlfriend". What's wrong with my friends? They fix me up with this guy, we totally got along, then they are like, "oh he's messed up from the war". Then we stop seeing each other and I find out he has ex girlfriend baggage. When were they going to tell me that?? Did anyone think this through at all??? No more fixups!! Everyone just seems to think any two single people can be fixed up and it's fine. I'm glad they tried, but it just all adds up to me thinking he's not ready. Maybe this other woman is still in his life because he wants her there. Who knows. Thought this would help me move on, maybe it did for a minute. But I don't know the extent of it, and whether it's his fault, etc. Everyone has some kind of baggage. Decided to completely stop talking about him to my friends, whether good or bad. I am not moving on like I should.
  13. Sleeping is hard for me too. I wake up and toss and turn with the "what ifs" and sometimes wake up thinking all warm and fuzzy about him. I have to stop, I am going to get hurt if I think that there is a chance to get back with him again. Tried doing the thing where you stop yourself when you are thinking an obsessive thought, and try to replace it with some other thought. Works a tiny bit. I was using "stop, he doesn't want you" to be more realistic, though you are supposed to think something more positive. I think walking around exhausted all day certainly contributes to the miserable feeling. Thinking of resorting to a sleeping pill, but afraid it will make me foggier the next day. I am so busy at work I can't afford to be any more dimwitted than i already am. The 5 hour energy drinks work, but then I can't fall asleep at night. vicious circle. Going to see my good friend tonight, one of the ones that fixed me up with this guy. Think i'm just going to say that I really liked him, but I don't think he's ready. Not that I'm an expert on these things, but from what his family told me about him, i don't think he is. I don't want to say anything that shuts the door forever, and don't want to gush and tell her I miss him either.
  14. Still Day 10 (would have been 20 if I hadn't been drinking on the 4th and texted him) Over 3 weeks since I saw him. Got in a fight with my sister, she keeps telling me he's a loser, and it hurts. She only knows what I've told her of course, she wasn't there to feel the feelings. I try to be rational and figure out what I see in him. I thought I was just trying to replace my last ex with a new relationship right away, but now I don't think so. I thought I was just lonely, but I have so many plans for this summer that I would barely have time to date if I wanted to. I really think it is about him specifically. If I met someone and felt no chemistry, I wouldn't put 2 months of thought into him. I've been on plenty of horrible first dates and never wanted a second date with someone. But if he doesn't feel the same way there is nothing I can do. Have plans with friends Saturday, the same friends who fixed me up with this guy have another guy ready for me to meet. I'm just not that excited about it anymore. I don't feel like dating anyone. Maybe he'll be fantastic and make me forget all about bachelor #1. Maybe I'm not ready and I'll screw up this one too.
  15. Day 10 Feel calmer, and there are actually moments where I'm like wow, i'm not thinking about him right now!! Still roller coaster thoughts though. One minute I'm thinking I have to let him go, I messed up and it sucks. The next minute I'm thinking of how to turn him into a booty call. The next minute I'm thinking I have to let him go, the uncomfortable feelings on our last date were all red flags and warning signs. Thank god he doesn't call me! The next minute I'm thinking of how I will contact him after the 30 days. Will I text a joke? Will I ask him to meet me for a drink? I was positive he would never call me again, but now I'm not sure. Almost every guy I've ever been with eventually has called after the breakup, even guys who I had one horrible date with. My emotions are calming down with time, maybe his are too. Maybe he knows he wasn't ready to date and is doing NC for his own sake. The possibility that I might run into him somewhere still scares me a bit. How will I act and how will he act? I plan to say hi and smile but leave the rest up to him. But the possibility is remote because the mutual friends we have are not planning any parties after all. I still think that no matter what, this story is not over. It might be a year down the road, I still think that something else will happen. Maybe we'll end up together in the winter, when I don't mind spending more time on the couch and in bed!
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