real amour

Hi. Just do it. Don't stay with him because of pity, guilt or because he will make a good father, provider, whatever. I subconsciously did that and I am now married with 2 young kids, but sadly, I believe I am in the process of separating. I congratulate you for knowing that you really want to break up. That is a first step and you must be sure of this or your words will quiver and come out wrong; do it in a letter or email if you must. It doesn't matter, just do it and move on and let him go also. I wasn't sure until now, but I regret it--all of it, and we have a great life, but the chemistry just isn't there, I was just too old and he had me by the ovaries!!!

Hi. I am a wife (with 2 kids also) but I am like your man. I believe your man lead you on unknowingly. He probably thinks the world of you, loves you, thinks you are the greatest person who puts his soul in the right place. You have healed his innerchild mainly (you must have had some motherly qualities to you) and he is ready to move on. But he is just now realizing he needs to feel in love, that that intensity of feeling is missing from his life. He probably thought he could just love someone and the feelings would come or that that was enough (comfort, security, settling). However, they do not. I thought the same thing too and I am in a separation now. Thoughts: did you love him too much (in other words you played all roles for him), filled too many needs? maybe he cannot feel more for you because you are a friend or motherly figure? maybe your intimate life is based more on his feeling of guilt over true desire for you (you can't desire your mother unless you have the Oedipus complex)? were there signs along the way that you both missed, but you held on to each other in a dependency (like you both needed each other vs. wanting each other)? what do you think he needs to love himself and did he love himself in your relationship? Better to let him go like me to let my husband go, go to find someone who can love him more than me. Good luck.

Hello Erospete. I am exactly like the your girlfriend. I even got married and had two kids. From the beginning, I had turned off my sex drive because when I started liking someone, they never liked me back or whatever. I took sexual feelings right out of there. BUT I got a really nice guy who loved me dearly, so nice that the first time we had sex, it was because of guilt. I was in this terrible vulnerable place. We have continued exactly in this manner and for 9 years I have not enjoyed relations and have tried everything and I am a very sexual, attractive, smart girl. I thought things would just get better with effort or that it didn't matter in favour of other more important values, Our relationship to me now is over. The other posters have good ideas but I would add these questions: Ask her this flat out: ARE YOU ATTRACTED TO ME, yes or no? ARE YOU ATTRACTED TO OTHER MEN? HAVE YOUR GOTTEN AROUSED BY OTHER GUYS IN THE PAST? WHAT IS HER RELIGIOUS/MORAL UPBRINGING AND PARENTAL MODEL? WOULD YOU RUN AFTER ME IF I LEFT YOU? DO YOU THINK WE REALLY CONNECT INTELLECTUALLY, EMOTIONALLY AND SPIRITUALLY? You will not want the answers, but you must get them out of her for both her and your self-respect. If not, you must tell her to go to therapy because she should see a professional. Trust me, I had issues prior to marriage that I did not even know and the situation was pretty much the same as you and God I wish I had faced them earlier. Something will erupt later on and either you or her will have some sort of affair, then there is no going back. I think she just doesn't like sex with you and she cannot tell you because you are no doubt wonderful and the man she may want to marry. The nicer you are the more she feels guilty and so she is with you because of guilt, not desire, need, not want. I have lived through this and now just envision his pleasure and me not mine. While not sexual abuse, I believe I have lived a sexual trauma because I cannot face real sexual feelings with other men who were not Mr. Right types. I have everything in my relationship except good intimacy. It is not normal, your primal needs must be satisfied. Women deserve the joy of sex and they should seek why they are avoiding it. You or you may not be the cause. Please address these very critical warning signs of trouble. Good luck.

Hi. No sparks on first kiss. After two months, I tried to break it up because of no chemistry. He laid a guilt trip on me ('you lead me on, what game are you playing, etc.). I continued dating despite so-so sex. We have tried everything to please me. We have acknowledged our 'problem'. We married (we were older, me 36, him 39 and committed virtuous people) and now have a 2 and 4 year old. I do not want to have relations anymore, in any way, shape of form. I tried to tell myself that physical attraction didn't matter (the spirit above the body I guess, can you tell I had a religious upbringing). A wonderful husband, provider, father, etc. but God didn't mean for us to be lovers and I guess I thought things would get better or that they didn't matter. They do. He was my first partner although I did have many pleasurable 'heavy petting' experiences prior to him (maybe 15) it was never right (the guys or the situation, etc.). He has had 1 long-term gf, 13 one-night stands and 1 9-month gf, so thereforeeee he has more experience. Everytime I dated a guy (usually short term) it ended because I usually wasn't attracted to them, while I couldn't make a bf out of a 'fling' for various reasons or my choice. Well at 30, you get tired of this and your clock starts ticking so I said, heck, he loves me to death, I don't want to wait anymore. For whatever reason, I couldn't figure out the dating game or I couldn't or wouldn't figure out the animal in me; I tend to bring out that in men because of my looks and personality which I now think I would best tone down. He said X to the third kid and I said well, X to any sort of relations then because I don't even want you in this way. I said that it wasn't normal that I didn't have any partners before him (I am very attractive, smart and have had many chances but wanted him because he loved me so much). My eyes are now totally roving on other men, I am flirting like crazy and carrying condoms for sexual therapy/permission. I have given sex for love and now I can no longer. I tried to convince myself of feeling pleasure because he was so wonderful. The signs were there but we ignored them. I said, that's enough, virtue. I have needs and you are not meeting them (not even from the first kiss). I left the marriage bed and stayed in my 4 year's old's bed for 3 weeks and have returned just recently (although it doesn't make a difference). We have not had sex for 8 months, no kissing or hugging for 1 month after a major talk. He has taken it hard after I said we didn't mix sexually, when what I wanted to say was that I was never attracted to him in the first place and maybe I stayed with him because he loved me. I had never had a bf so I guess I did everything. You know, why doesn't the girl who has everything have a bf? All my body parts work. I always knew my excitement was based on intellectual (good conversation) and physical stimulation (i.e. a good looking guy since my h is ok looking). I guess I thought him loving me or me loving a good person was enough. I could live without great intimacy or being 'in love'. I am having major flashbacks now to men I fooled around with in the past where I experienced pleasure. I have never thought of anybody until now (7 years after we moved in together). I feel virtually traumatized from this experience, now having visions of his pleasure and not mine (though he has tried) and feel I have betrayed my true physical nature and feelings in favour or virtue and convenience (heck, romance never worked for me so I gave up for the sure thing). He excelled on the virtue meter so much that I overlooked even my own needs. Now we are like two friends (and not even so great since we have big cultural differences). He has pressured me once for relations and I thought, that's it, that's how it started, he pressured me to have sex the first time because he was nice to me (I was technically a virgin for whatever that's worth). And that is how it is ending. I have a great marriage, great kids, a great house, car, great in-laws, but absolutely no chemistry. And in my book, if you don,t have that, you have nothing. Any advice on this would be welcomed, thanks.

Hi. I am 36 years old and I quit a job to join my now husband? (who couldn't get a job in my area). Biggest mistake I ever made. I met a man who also quit his job to join his girlfriend. She didn't speak the language there so he moved. He is adjusting as best he can. My dad who left Europe after World War II because of the Communists in his country told me the best advice ever 'You go where there is a job'. So my advice is do not quit your job for anyone. If you quit, it is because the boss is lousy or you want a new challenge or it is far from home, whatever. Never let someone have that power over you. You are very young still, learning, growing, besides you are not married or divorced from her. I know you do not see it this way as such, but trust me, until you are a certain age, you are building your character and must do things for you not for 'us'. Good luck.

Hi Ladyinwaiting. You have accomplished a lot. Go for older, established guys as well. They will see themselves in you and similarities are better than differences in my mind. Yes, they are very intimidated by your success (don,t show it off either or make it a competititon). Read The Rules. Never chase. Never lift a finger. Don,t play dumb, but let them be the ones who pursue (even the first move). See if your behaviour is a little too confidence, flirty, try to be more demure, shier, at least with a potential mate. This wows them: quiet assertiveness. I mean it. I am too a major independent woman and I think you can gain more by being less. Read The Rules. Men are hunters, women are gatherers. Men need to feel in control of the relationship, you slow down the process as the keeper of virtue. It is too simplistic a process for a smart woman to understand, but trust me it works. I have two degrees, a certificate, fully bilingual, blonde, very very attractive (a size 1) and I got a million guys, but never the ones I wanted, why? Didn't read the rules and thought I could make guys love me. Phooey. Guys hate The Rules, but as one who never followed them (except with my husband, see?), they are a girl's best friend, time-tested throughout the ages because they go on the true nature of men and women.

Hello. If you want to be truly happy, you must pick. You must be 100% available to fall in love and to find love, or else you are setting yourself up for bad experiences and the girls also. So figure out who you want to be exclusive with. We carry this into the next person we meet and the next and the next, then eventually we all get screwed up, by who, the opposite sex. Too many situations is confusing. You should hurt somebody in the short run for long-term kindness, like the song says (cruel to be kind). In the end, you and your potential mates will win.

Hello. Slider is right in many respects. Are women natural flirts? ***I think we are. The basic rules apply (have you read The Rules). Men are the hunters and women the gatherers. Our job is to lure successfully and tempt men to come to us. We get really good at it. It is one of our only powers over men. What about men? ***Only really aggressive women or desperate women will go for a flirty man (unless of course she just wants fun, no emotional ties). I don't like men flirting, I think they aren't too serious and women like a man who knows which woman he wants. How did you use your flirting super powers? **I flirt to get men to be my friend actually, then the rest follows if you are interested and it clicks. I figure they like a pretty smile, etc. Did you learn from your girl friends? ***I think you are born with a certain level of confidence innately. Some people have sex appeal, some don't, some need the attention from the opposite sex to see their market value, others don't (depending on if you are single). YOu flirt more if you are single because you are putting out your vibes, pheromones, whatever. Your flirt less when taken. Did you learn from your Mother? **You virtually learn nothing from your parents in dating and sex unless they take it seriously themselves. Or did it just come out naturally? ***For me it's natural, but then I took a lot of dance classes and I am a show person. It depends what social needs the person has also. Cancers are flirty because they love people's company and have great social needs. Do you have some success stories with examples? ***I have flirted on the phone through work coincidences and met both men who then pleased me immensely (though it didn,t work out). Is it a negative thing or a positive thing? ***It is genuinely positive since it shows confidence. Too much flirting though shows an inability to direct it or focus emotional energy on one person. You shouldn't be flirting if you are taken, really. (I think flirting , like any super power, can be used for good or for evil ***Thanks. I will flirt more as my marriage may be over anyway. Does anyone have ideas as to why men don't seem as good at reading signals and signs? ***Men are hunters primarily. They had to be quiet to kill their prey so they got good at keeping quiet, hence, women say men don't talk or express emotion enough. This is a theory. They are not bad at reading gestures, but women are bettter. Women are natural mothers and they are good at reading non-verbal gestures in children. Children from 0-3 can't speak so women have to be good guessers to know what they want. They transfer this on men which is why women will say they 'know' quickly faster than a man, if he is right. Just a theory, but a good one I say. Why is it that men don't seem to be as skilled at flirting as women? ***Don't know here. Excellent questions. Good luck.

Hi. I am a mom of two young kids, 2 and 4. My husband is absolutely wonderful with the kids and has done tons of stuff (diapers, feedings, clean up, buys clothes). Still, the woman does more and that will always be. You must prioritize your alone time before you go batty. Trust me. Now that the baby is sleeping through the night (after 3 months usually), you must plan that into your schedule and enlist your hubby as your sitter. Despite how great my husband is, his brother was also great with kids, the 0-3 month period is absolutely horrible as the baby is an 'it' really. And despite after this period, even the best of fathers will admit that kids are not really kids until 3 years old. The 0-3 year period is essentially for the mothers since after 3 they are speaking and toilet trained usually. Don't expect men to change. They can be wonderful, but they did not give birth. You have a mom's intuition. You will always have 9 months on them, plus a hormonal connection if breastfeeding. Men are men and women are women. Just get through it and appreciate what he does do. Teach him to do a few things if necessary. Don't be bogged down because you will resent your kid, your man and your future children.

Hi. Dump him fast. No orgasm, mmmm.. let' see I have had no orgasms with a wonderful man for 10 years. I am deeply frustrated. I should have left after a year and a half. YOu have the chance. I am like you. You are right, you have to stick up for yourself. YOu are getting there by saying the part about not hurting anybody else, so in the process you hurt yourself? Is tha better? Are you Jesus, are you that selfless, you are not even a mother yet I gather? (I am, so things are tough). Move on. Show him your posts. Find the courage if you cannot say things up front. It is so hard to stick up for yourself, isn't it? Was your mother a coward, passionless type with your dad?

Hi. I didn't go through your whole post but it sounds very typical. You are also aware of your 'living for your parents'. I too went to school close (my parents bought a house and we had never had a house, though I wanted to get out on my own). I tried to date the 'right' guys for them (and for me I guess). I think I even moved to a place to make my mom happy (her home province). Yup, now I am miserable. I know who I am now and who I was, the last child who lived with parents for too long and was too close. You must get out now. I want you to yell out loud now all your feelings, tape them, write them down, whatever. Face them. If you don't face these negative things, they will come back to haunt you more than now. Good luck.

HI. I guess we want to be loved at all costs. You know give sex for love. I have lied for this for the past 10 years and it has come back to haunt me. I am not attracted to my husband and repressed feelings for another came roaring back. I never had the heart to hurt him and tried to break up after 2 months and then later we had gone so far (we were older). I regret it to this day. It will certainly blow up in my face. Now I have kids and I am locked in for a while (adultery is inevitable). You are absolutely right. Maybe you should blatently confront us. Try reading our body language more, be less silent, confront us directly straight in the eye.

Hello Charlotte Skye. You are definitely not in love. It can be instant and I believe it usually is. The test is to stay in love and that takes time, but the falling I believe it instant. If you do not feel it already, it isn't there. I love my husband dearly, but I have never fallen in love with him. We have major problems my dear since I do not feel that eros part, but the other loves yes; thereforeeee my love is not complete. The fact that you are questioning yourself so much is an indication. Doubt is good. I never doubted my love for my husband, but after 7 years, I realize I had fallen in love with another man, but repressed this for different reasons (well those feelings came back). Move on. Get space. Time heals all. Trust me, you will meet someone else where the feelings will be clearer and all this will be just a lesson.

Hello Mb guy. Gilamesh is the king of comprehension here with his comments: 'Now if you let this creature loose now, and deal with it, he will eventually tire and go away for good. never to surprise you later in life.' Something may trigger the return to a memory or an experience you had forgotten. It can creep up on you unexpectedly then you are caught with it forever since you did not face it in the first place. I did this and yup, they came back roaring. People with their great minds may lie, but emotions with their roaring hearts never do. Repression will make you a liar to yourself and to others. 'The problem with repressed emotions is, that you need all of them to be complete, when you lock away one or two feelings, you cannot love someone again completely because to be balanced and whole you need all your emotions intact. even the "negative" emotions are necessary.' This is so right and so beautifully said. You need someone to bring out both your vice and your virtue, not 100% of either to make up for the other half. We are made of both though we do not want to admit it. I read that God loves those who have gone and come back from Him than those who never have left. Good luck.

Hello all. I used to think attraction was black and white. Actually, I still think it is. Is sexual chemistry all black and white, you either have it with a guy or you don't? Is is instant? Are there degrees of grey in there? I am married and I never had an attraction or maybe a little one, but then I see other guys just oozing with testosterone/pheromones and I think then I am really not attracted to my husband. Actually, I am sure I am not at this point which is how I found this board. Can attraction grow or if it grows, does it tend to fade? Any thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks.