JuneBug

didn't see him for almost 2 months, then saw him today at the gym, spoke and said hi. Broke NC. I don't understand how seeing him for 2 minutes could make me feel so sad after everything I've had to overcome. I guess I'll never know if I'm truly over it...

So I suppose I'm back to day 1? But in any case, I had to think a lot before I made that 1 contact. I emailed him asking if he wanted to come to an event at my church because I knew he was interested in my religion. I told him I had invited some of his friends too who were coming. I was really debating about whether or not to invite him because I really didn't want to see him, but on the other hand, my religion is important to me and I don't want my petty feelings to prevent me from allowing people to develop their interest. Also, it's an easter thing and it it just so happens to be targeted for those unfamiliar with Christianity so it's an even more perfect opportunity for my friends to come. I wrote him a very simple email and he wrote back saying he would go. As hard as it is, I guess I will have to face him in three weeks...and I hope I can be strong enough to not let this set me back after 2 months of no contact. I have let it sink in slowly that he may be in a relationship right now. The girl that he was only casually dating may actually be his girlfriend now. I thought about it and it hurts so much because I think he's treating her the way he never treated me...as if I made all improvement requests for him to show it to someone else. But at the same time, accepting these things are getting easier than I thought. It hurts, but I do have little pangs of "I don't care" feelings every once in a while. Either way, I have to keep telling myself a few things: 1). Getting back together is not even a possibility until you're over it. Even if he wants you back before you're over it...you'd be too hurt to try again. You need to heal first, be happy, and only then can you be at your most attractive stage. 2). He dumped you, and initially you did ask him to try again. Since he refused, the ONLY person who has anything to regret is him. But since he was in control, there is always room for him to regret. 3). You don't need him to be your friend. Yes you have developed a close relationship with him, but you were fine with just your friends at some point, you'll be fine again without him. 4). Even if you decide to be friends with him, how close can you really be his friend? His future girlfriends will feel uncomfortable around you and will probably not allow him to talk to you as often. Eventually, your status as the "ex" will hinder a friendship somewhere down the line. 5). You have the rest of your life to be happy with "the one," so take your time to be single as a gift that will be gone in the blink of an eye.

Wow, Longdist, took the words right out of my mouth. I think I've always known that but at the same time, I'm so glad you said it because it really hit me hard. I went through the exact same thing--I was also thinking about a break up and had a last minute change of heart, only to be dumped because of the minimal effort I put into the relationship. I feel like I would love him forever, and that is why I can never get over this and can never be just his friend. Now that my ex has found someone else, it hurts so much and these emotions has messed with my life more than I could ever imagine it to. But thanks for putting things in perspective for me. I guess I realized that how I feel right now is just one of those "you want what you can't get" feelings and hope that one day it will die down. I think I'm just more angry now than anything, but I trust that one day I will get over this. I should stop predicting the future--if I will be back with him, if I will never get back with him, if I will ever even see him. Just take one step at at time, stop overthinking things, and just try to enjoy each moment.

Brazilgirl, I think I can understand how humiliating it was to show up and seeing your ex with his girlfriend and being ignored. I think that would kill me also. But I think you're doing a great job not acting on your anger! I think a lot of people make that mistake. Maybe its sometimes easier to just not have expectations *sigh* I just realized today that my ex flew accross the globe to see his new love interest over break. When we broke up, two weeks later he was already interested in her (but he told me he wasn't interested until after our breakup, and I believe him because I know he was already getting over our relationship before we even broke up so he needs less time to move on) and I stupidly confronted him about it. I told him that he was probably gonna visit her over spring break. He laughed and said he wouldn't. But they're all just liars. He did visit her and he didn't want anybody to tell me because even his friends told me he went to visit someone else. I guess my initial reaction was a bit hurt, but I think after about five minutes...I realized I was ok with this. For the first time, I was ok with the fact that I don't want him in my life. It's a scary thought but there is nothing his friendship can offer that I can't get from something else. It took me so long to realize that, and it took me even longer to realize I don't want him back even if he comes back. I'm over this, and I'm over wanting to be his friend. He said he'd be waiting for me when I'm ready to talk to him, but I think that will just be never. I told him "never" once before but I took that back later and decided maybe its too harsh of a word. But even if it is a strong word, its exactly how I feel (now maybe in the future when I forgive him, I can be friends with him again if opportunity still permits). At least for now, I dont' want to see him, don't want to hear about him. I know he has made just as many mistakes in the relationship as I did, and there are many things that I shouldn't have to settle for with him. I think this is a break through for me...is this what happens after 50+ days of NC? I have a feeling maybe I will relapse in the future, but I will mark this day as the day I first became somewhat emotionless about it. When I feel sad, I will think back on this day, and keep moving on.

Day 51. I just got back from my spring break =) But I thought about him during the trip. I bought him a souvenir, but I realize I don't even have the guts to give it to him. I'm not sure I can face him, and I'm not sure how I will feel when I do. I'm thinking I will finally break NC at Day 70. I think I will give it to him then and establish an LC friendship. I've already come to terms with the fact that we will never be together. And even if he wants me back, I don't think the trust is there anymore. And I think I can tolerate friendship as long as he's not with anybody--not because I want to have hopes of getting back together, but because I just don't want the image of him and another girl in my head every time I see him. I don't want to know if I'm calling at a bad time during their date, or that he can't be there for me because someone else took priority. My other conflicting side is telling me not to contact him because he doesn't deserve my friendship. He doesn't deserve still having me in his life. I am so angry at him and what happened between us that I am almost ok with never seeing him again. *sigh* I guess today is a good day because at least for now, I don't love him at all.

I realized I'm at a point where I think I'll be sad whichever way I decide to go. I realized that I don't want to move on because it's depressing to think that he'll become less and less a part of my life from here on out and my happiness will slowly make me forget about him. On the other hand it's depressing that I'm still sad about this. I realized that even if one day he decides to ask for me back...I'm not sure if I can trust him anymore. I'm not sure if my heart will be in it 100% and I'm not sure if things will ever be the way it was. I picture myself still hurt in the future even if we were together. Knowing this, I should be able to move on because it means that there really isn't a future for us because of what happened. At the same time, I still love him and miss being around him. I'm afraid of losing contact with him and being okay with that. I remember reading some post secret card that said something along the lines of "sadder than the day you left me is the day I realize I don't miss you anymore". I never understood that until now .=( I feel stuck. I wonder if knowing that we can't be together makes it ok for us to be friends earlier. It means when we hang out, I will not have any ulterior motives to get him back. But I don't know if I can ever stop loving the person he was in our old relationship. Can you be friends with someone you love because you realize that there is no future otherwise? I want to invite him to an event but I'm afraid to even ask... ahhh!

Day 41 =D We're almost on spring break, and I can't help but wonder where he will be. I will be taking my MCATs soon...I'm so scared because this whole break up has made me lose focus in my studies so my grades have not been up to par and I haven't studied as much as I should have. I also have to look for a job since I'm graduating this semester...there's just so much pressure that is falling upon me in one semester. Wish me luck =) I know I'm young and first loves don't always last, but I always thought there was something special between us. Three years is a long time to throw away. I guess if it's meant to be, things will come together eventually. I've decided to take advice I've been given and wait another 50 days before contacting him. Maybe start off with emails, and then if I'm brave enough, see him face to face. Such a long way to go...sometimes these break ups come at the worst time I swear...

I'm just wondering...when is it ok to contact the ex? I was with him for three years, and we were each other's first love. I know people will answer "when you're over him completely"...but I don't want to wait perhaps even a year before I can contact him. I don't want to wait until we're complete strangers because then even friendship cannot be salvaged. I told him I need some time to get over this, and he said he would be waiting until I'm ok so we can be friends...but I'm not sure when that is. I know there are some who contact their ex after a month and it feels like they reverted back to day 1 again. I REALLY don't want that to happen. I really want to just be happy for him and let him go. However, I also don't want to contact him so soon so that he knows I'm always going to be there for him. As I recall, he still asks his friends on occasion how I'm doing, and I'm afraid he will not miss me anymore once I'm back in his life. I refuse to be in anybody's pocket. Is there a way to strike a balance? It's been NC for about 40 days now and I can't help wondering what he's doing. How soon has anybody contacted their ex and is still holding their ground?