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chevalier

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About chevalier

  • Birthday 02/11/1981

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  1. Today's my birthday. Did you remember? I bet you did. I bet some part of you realized the date-- maybe even started dreading it earlier in the week-- and you thought about me, if only for a brief moment. Either way, I'm happy you thought about me. I'm happy you haven't forgotten about me entirely. But it still hurts that you didn't at least send an email. I guess this is you moving on. I still miss you, my little sophomore.
  2. Please don't let me think about you anymore. Why couldn't you have just said it would never work out? Why couldn't you have just said we would never be friends again? Why did you have to give me some sort of hope? Do we ever stop loving these people? Or does it just get to the point where we don't think about it anymore?
  3. It's beautiful outside today. The sun is shining, the wind is blowing; the temperature has dropped to the point where you'd need a light jacket to step out. I remember the last time the weather was this beautiful. Do you remember? It was before this whole mess began, when we were just best friends without any idea that months down the road we would cut each other out forever... We spent the entire day together, walking around the mall and talking. You held my hand. In the midst of the office buildings, there was a man-made lake. You lead me there and we sat in the grass talking as the ducks swam by. I commented on the weather, concerned that the clouds gathering accross the sky would bring rain and drive us away from this beautiful, magical place. You assured me it wouldn't (and you were right), and so I lay my head against your chest and breathed in the scent of your shirt-- the scent I always associated with you. You put your arms around me and ran your hand through my hair. It was one of the best days of my life.
  4. I miss you. Maybe it's the autumn weather. Maybe it was sitting in class today-- sitting in that same classroom with the same teacher, and almost expecting you to text me throughout the night, keeping me company, keeping me entertained. Maybe it was coming accross your picture. Maybe it's knowing that Halloween was always your favorite holiday (do you still dress up?). I don't know. But I miss you something fierce. The thought occurred to me tonight that even though you said maybe one day we'd be able to be friends again, you were lying. It's been months since we last spoke. Not one email. Not one phone call. Not one text message. Nothing. You never intended to speak to me again, did you? Why can't I get over you? And I'm trying so hard to be his wife. I'm trying so hard to make him happy-- to think of his happiness. But I keep wondering if I'm making a mistake. Is it all just still fresh in my mind, or do I really not love him as much as I'd like to believe? I don't know what to believe anymore. I thought I knew it all-- at least enough-- but you've made me doubt myself. I no longer know what I'm doing. My confidence is gone. But I suppose you don't really care, do you?
  5. You know, i've been doing pretty good about not thinking about you. I used to think about you every moment of every day. I used to curl up in bed and stay there, crying and wondering why this all happened. I used to believe that you simply did not think I was worth it. I still think this. But I'm beginning to realize that maybe I loved you a hell of a lot more than you loved me. Hell, you may not have loved me at all. "I just wasn't strong enough," you said. I could have been your strength. I could have given you strength. I would have. I couldn't deny you anything. It's been three months since the last time we spoke. You've made no effort to contact me which only leads me to believe that you never really cared in the first place. God, I'm such a fool. I'd be lying if I said I wanted you to be happy with her. I don't. But I do wish you happiness in everything else. I'd be lying if I said I didn't love you. I do. My greatest fear is that I always will. I was worth it. It may make me a bad person to think it, but I hope one day you realize what a huge mistake you made-- I hope you realize she doesn't make you as happy as you want to believe (and believe me, lovey, she doesn't. I know you. I've watched you with her. You care about her, that I believe, but you don't love her as much as you think you do). Do you still dream about me?
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