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canali

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canali last won the day on April 4 2009

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  1. to me getting back together or breaking up for good is not really the point: it is really in not losing yourself and realizing life IS full of change... whether you're with someone or not...so many people pine for another to be 'back together' as they feel ''completed'' by that other person (a myth) or because they're not taking responsibility for their own happiness/growth....this is what I'm saying: that as long as you're still growing into a more loving open hearted flexible person this is the most important thing... sometimes it takes a breakup to bring these issues home as I am painfully learning: that NC in its truest form is about coming home to a better YOU: not in wanting your ex back...because once you're in a healthy zone it matters less if you're with another or not as you'll be more aware that there are other ways to also get love in its myriad ways to fill your heart... in short: sometimes we're with someone and sometimes we are not along life's sometimes tumultuous journey...but it is always with OURSELVES that we will travel in life so have to take care of ourselves as best we can.
  2. Op ...why don't you define "success"? Ie is it being back for 1 year 2 years 5 years 15 years? ...heck even after a couple gets back after so many breakups to later get married but then say eventually get divorced, THEN what do you call it? The "happily after ending" didn't succeed In the final analysis did it? You're focusing IMO on the QUANITITY of time together instead of the QUALITY of time together and the growth acquired by both partners . IMO you're being unnecessarily judgemental (and I don't think you mean to be so please don't misinterpret me) with the idea underlying your post which is fundamentally about getting back together to stay together "happily ever after".... And if we don't achieve such then we have ''failed'' in some manner ....and this storybook goal is just that IMO: a strongly yearned for myth that while we all want for emotional and social stability, is nonetheless seldom achieved with just one person...furthermore, and for those very rare cases that do "last forever", its not without it blood sweat and tears....but nonetheless its a rarity. ... just because you breakup then get back together and repeat this dance again however many times until your relationship is broken for good should show most clearly that the vast majority of relationships don't last forever and to accept that fact... People change...sometimes couples are able to work through things together and yet sometimes they are not and consequently have to move on, despite repeated attempts of say counselling ...or after detachment and independence gained from prolonged NC ...or after year long breaks and/or reconciliation ....whatever. Saying goodbye doesn't necessarily mean that we are a failure or that life isn't still wonderful or that we can't grow into better people who later may find better fitting love if we have processed what worked and what didn't ... I know people HATE to accept that reality as it means more painful endings still to come and they look at themselves as failures (and most of us are in pain and denial on this forum) ...but accepting a breakup can also mean more good times ahead once healed and in a more mature inner space. The flow of life is one of constant change .... many friendships come and go as do changes in our jobs and careers right? Saying goodbye and moving on doesn't necessarily mean its a bad thing from a relationship that is no longer working despite our repeated attempts or wishes either ..''its just life''...simple . ....this post has been VERY therapeutic in helping me realize just how much we cling instead of going with the flow... and also how we can so frequently overinvest in ONE Person for our happiness instead of realizing that love can--and should--come from a multitude of sources.
  3. Day 33 for me after my many emails since out 2 year breakup started in Sept last year ...her final kick to me was 33 days ago when I was having 2nd thoughts of trying again and then she tells me she and her new boyfriend of 5 months had a great time in costa rica and he asked her to marry him "so life is good" and furthermore that during our time together she never really loved me nor was attracted to me and she is "so sorry" for leading me on and hopes I " find the happiness I deserve" (see my earlier "ouch" thread for details of her email replies in full if interested) ...so my biggest challenge: controlling my rage when I ruminate and thus not emailing her a really hurtful and angry letter (referring to her ex hubby on why I agree with the reason that he had an affair on her etc etc)...yes I am seeing a therapist ..reading some helpful books (among many) ie. 'the journey from healing to abandonment' and 'dare to forgive' 'rebuilding' and 'the mindful way through depression' plus doing meditation yoga journalling losing weight and now over 5 months have had no drinking at all...trying to make new friends and face down my many dragons ...trying to be happy for her vs wanting to rip her head off knowing I would just hurt myself too. ...ultimately I do care about her...but am praying a lot to god to help me close the door to heal and for now just focus on me...maybe down the road we can become friends but not right now.
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