outlander03

if you go to an AA meeting, people will listen to you. you might not like them (i grew up among AA meetings), but at least they will listen to you and probably relate i know the painfully shy thing, too. it might never leave, but the superficial conversations can actually be helpful. consider this: if you can have "superficial" conversations, then you can always converse with the people you work with without them thinking you're totally stand-off-ish, but then again you don't have to let them know too much where they start prying. it will come in handy someday. when you write that you're shy and have trouble communicating, in conjuction with what you described about your high school friends, to me that says that you're one of those people who chooses friends carefully, and that's a fantastic trait. there's nothing more annoying than people who claim to be your "instant buddy" and then never show up when you really need them. but your characteristic shows that you probably develop deeper, more meaningful friendships with people, which to most people is better. if i were you, i'd take a couple of interest classes at a community college. it's cheap, if you don't do well academically it probably won't permanently ruin your academic record (hey, you can always go to another college!), you'll meet a lot of other people who take a no-pressure, interest-based approach and who are also looking for new acquaintances. plus, let's say you find a class you really like, like a modern music class, and you feel too embarrassed to speak up in class for fear of sounding stupid--who cares! you won't ever have to see those people again if you don't want to! and you only have to deal with them for one quarter or semester. i was shy, too, and still am about making close friends. but some of the best people i met were at a community college. plus, there's other activities going on, clubs and sh*t, in case you end up not liking the classes--and unlike high school, you don't have to be enrolled in a class in order to do the activity you want (like those yearbook and student govt. classes I remember from then).

i have gone similarly through what you have gone through. i was nearly the heaviest girl in my school my entire life, and after high school i felt worse, if possible. but don't let it end here. i think part of what's affecting you is being inside all of the time. and being in the same physical location as your high school years, and keeping contact with your high school friends. don't try to hang onto them; they'll all change in a few years anyway. if you want to change your situation, then you have to take some physical action. what do you like to do besides drink? seeing movies? reading? anything? whatever it is, go try it in another place, another city nearby. even if it's just eating at the McDonald's a few towns over, it's different. once I moved out of my small town to the nearby larger town, it made a world of difference. people didn't know me and saw me differently, were attracted to me--even the attractive people. look, nothing's going to change if you don't make an effort to change. it's the hardest thing anyone can do, but the most rewarding. if you feel unattractive, it shows. but likely it's nothing that you can't change. once again--I've been there. I've done it and I'm doing it now. if you're living at home but working 4 days a week, i can't imagine that your expenses are huge. can you afford a gym membership? if you work part-time, can you go there during the late morning or the afternoons, when there are fewer people to feel self-conscious around (this is what I did)? can you afford to buy yourself some new clothes that make you feel more confident--and hence more attractive? you don't have to go to clubs if you don't want to, so don't buy "club clothes"--and trust me, girls that look attractive under club lights usually look crappy in the morning, so start looking for attractive people somewhere else, too. can you afford to take a short trip on the 3 days you have off? maybe save for a longer trip? travel always gets you to meet new people and expands your mind--trust me. even if the trip sucks you tend to view your home and the people around it in a different light. i hope some of this helps, and doesn't sound too shallow. whatever you take from this, just please don't let things end here for you. there really is so much ahead,even if some of it is going to be difficult. you are still young enough to make so many changes to both yourself and the world around you, so please don't let that chance go.