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sff123

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  1. Not sure if this changes anything but ive noticed that being in a long term relationship can change what my "type" is, so it may not necessarily be that she and you are his type, but being in a relationship with you might have made people like you his type. Often times I'm more interested in girls of a similar type to the girl I'm currently dating. it's not a 100% rule because sometimes people want what they don't have too, but ive definitely noticed I'm more likely to be attracted to someone similar to my SO while or even soon after we're in a relationship
  2. Yeah same. if I really wanted to go there, I might be like "don't worry, I can pay for it and next time you can take me where you like to go, unless you want to go there now?
  3. a lot of that sounds like feminism to me but we don't have to debate that. I kind of do think the idea of "he asked me out so he put in me in a situation where I have to pay for something so it makes sense for him to pay" makes a lot more sense than what the other 2 women were saying. Depending how detailed the conversation is when discussing the date it might seem to me more feminist for the woman to be like "Oh I can't go there, I'm trying save money!" or something at least suggesting she's not expecting him to pay by default. Likewise the guy should probably be equally obliged to say something like "hey we could go "x" , is that affordable for you" because it isn't necessarily the woman's responsibility either. But of course I can see how in practice none of this would come off very "smooth" so people might not talk about it when talking to a stranger who they're dating for the first time on a dating ap or something. In my original post I acknowledged there's a pretty strict distinction in what might be best from an ideological standpoint and what's best from a self interest standpoint if you're actually trying to be successful dating.
  4. haha, that's why I brought up the fact that they were 30 because I had all kinds of crazy, ever evolving ideas when I was younger
  5. yeah it's a bit weird because the women in podcast seemed to be indirectly playing into that (not at all suggesting the way men behave is their fault) by at least in their mind making the guy's ability to go a 2nd date with them based off his willingness to pay. at least one of them said that if you don't plan on going on a date with the guy you should offer to pay. the other one might not have been on this page because her big advancement that she described was the fact that she doesn't act fake any more by acting like she's even interested in paying (saying she wouldn't even make a motion to her bag) which, ok but lol if you're thinking about it this much it kind of is fake? I also saw a video online (that people were suggesting was staged. because the the woman was filming it discreetly in the middle of a date) where the guy acted super condescending to her and was very angry when she said she wanted to pay for his dinner (as you described). He was super controlling the whole time trying to order for her. He even said something like "You will not embarrass me." when it came to the idea of her paying. (again I don't know if this authentic but I bet if it wasn't it was based on real experiences)
  6. that seems like a good policy. I don't think it should be a trust issue, like if the guy pays for the date and says like "ill get it this time" I don't think he should be overly preoccupied with whether there will be a 2nd date. and the way you put it wouldn't really be gendered if the person asking out is paying. In practice this would probably lead to the guy paying a lot because among other gendered features of our society a lot of times the guy is the one asking the girl out. But this whole casual inexactness isn't something im really concerned with. It's just interesting 2 women who I assumed (perhaps incorrectly) are feminist, would so unreflectively consider it a test of a guy's general character whether he pays for the bill or not
  7. I agree that this is a double standard. How they compartmentalized it was interesting. they did seem to think it was normal for a woman to have an equal financial responsibility in the relationship generally , or at least that's what they said. But it came to this particular thing it was almost like a test. They thought a guy wanting to split a check suggested negative things about him. They didn't entertain the idea that it could mean anything else. And they also related it to their self worth in the context of the date, as in they were worth this kind of treatment (never brought up what the guy was worth). Again 2 people is a very small sample, but it just surprised me a bit how confident and unreflective they were about this opinion, especially given the generation they come from. I suppose most people aren't that ideological and if even if they are generally feminist, they might take for granted a custom that is beneficial to them.
  8. I actually do agree that with income differences it's ok for 1 partner to be paying for another, I just disagree with the gendered aspect of it. Also on a lot of first dates assuming someone's income would be kind of silly
  9. I'm kind of a hard core feminist. It's not something as a guy I just pick up when it's convenient (check splitting). Im a very political person and it's something I'm engaged with on a regular basis. I haven't been dating for years so the paying for dinner thing hasn't been relevant to me recently at all. I know this is an extremely small sample but I was just listening to a podcast where 2 women even younger than me, but not immature (early 30s I think), both agreed without reservation that if a guy wasn't paying for dinner on a date there's no way you would go on a 2nd date with him, no matter how well the date had gone otherwise. Now obviously I understand how if someone wasn't a feminist this wouldn't even be a factor. But realistically most women that age are and I heard other stray phrases that seemed to confirm what demographically speaking would usually be the case. However neither of them even mentioned feminism when it came to this issue and they seemed to take granted to the highest degree that this was just something that they were worth and accepting less would be bad. Now this story has 2 obvious "answers". From a "be yourself " standpoint, obviously it doesn't matter what 2 random women in a podcast think. Compromising your values over something so trivial is absurd. Everyone should have the courage of their convictions and if someone doesn't like you for who you are so be it. And from a strategic standpoint, obviously the exact opposite. Paying for a dinner isn't a big deal (it's been done for centuries and I've done it myself plenty of times). Yeah you might care about your values but you also don't want to shoot yourself in the foot and guarantee a (huge?) percentage of your dates will never lead to 2nd ones over so small a thing. I'm curious how some women who consider themselves a feminist feel about the situation (or even the fact that it wasn't brought up as an issue in their discussion). I'm not particularly interested in being talked out of feminism as an ideology, and not really here to argue about that. *edit* not important to what I was asking but just for sake of completeness I'll point out that one of them said that if you don't like a guy and don't intend on going a 2nd date with him you should definitely pay for your meal (one thing that was mentioned was in terms of not feeling like you owe him something).
  10. so i'm due for another 1.5 days of nc at least i guess it's good for me
  11. i got my record of 3 days of nc tonight and then broke no contact and found out she was on a field study that i knew about in advance but forgot about so i kind of had this weird sensation of breaking no contact and then forced no contact and i feel like my brain is emotionally fried
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