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savignon
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savignon last won the day on February 22 2014
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Before first meet up.. is this a red flag
savignon replied to crazycatlady80's topic in Dating Advice
I think you're making a great choice by passing this one by. I think it can be hard to listen to our gut sometimes because we want to be wrong. Just chiming in to commend you for following your instincts. Good for you! You're 'telling the universe' (so to speak) that you won't settle. If you believe in that kind of thing, you're already manifesting something better! One-up yourself by not bumping into him! 😉 -
Context: I have been a single mom for 12 years and do eeeeeeeeeeverything myself, for myself, by myself. I have never really had a healthy relationship and when I look around I see maybe one or two couple-friends who have a marriage I would want to emulate. I know a lot of women who just do it all (like me) except they're married. That's made me think "what's the point"? and that's beside that I don't even know if I *could* have or maintain a healthy relationship since I've never had one and have come to believe there's something lacking there that I can't fix in myself. Genesis of writing this post: I just had to change the door handle on a door and couldn't get it lined up right. I started sobbbbbing out of nowhere with this "I am so alone" feeling that I raaaaarely, if ever, experience. It's made me wonder... what could/does a healthy relationship look like? I am a pretty good catch and would be so grateful to meet a nice, funny partner-in-life who could just change some batteries and door handles for me! (love language= acts of service!) ❤️😉 Maybe I'm finally ready to be inspired... lay it on me! xo Sav
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This is my plan. I've had this week alone to reset in many ways and I think this is the approach I need to take. I have spent years reading self-help books and inundating myself with "things that need to be fixed" so I need to focus on some more light-hearted activities to get me moving and thinking about not-so-serious stuff. Her therapist thinks its regular depression (vs anything more serious) and her dad is supportive and lives nearby. She is quite loved all-around and always has been. So she has that in her corner whatever else happens. Thank you you for your thoughtful reply as always!
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This actually helped! You're right, it's not my job to be liked and I am doing "ok". I don't know if you have kids, but when they're little, they don't just 'like' you, they adoooooore you. It is bittersweet to have that phase end (as it's supposed to). I do love her more grown-up self as well, of course.... I just look back on the sweetness and think I stole it from her or something. Thank you for that- that was helpful.
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I am curious to know if you have forgiven them and how your relationship is now.
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Guy suddenly acting distant after heavily pursuing me
savignon replied to jwrunner81's topic in Dating Advice
Unrelated to love-bombing, but just in the "beware" category... I enjoy talking to strangers/getting to know new people and this experience freaked me out about myself. I was at the dog park one day and a guy was talking to me (he was no threat at all, was not prying, was not asking me 1000 questions... which is the point of what I'm about to say).... by the time I left the dog park, I was driving home thinking about the amount of information I shared with this total stranger. He knew my profession, where I worked, what condo complex I lived in, that I was a single mom.. (=living alone)... (!!!!!) That was information I VOLUNTEERED without being sweet-talked or even asked.... yiiiiikes!!!! It really shook me that I shared that much about myself in a brief and random exchange with a complete stranger. Like I said, this guy wasn't even asking... we were just talking. He shared similar info about himself. But I was driving home like "you're an IDIOT. Don't ever do that again!" All to say- be careful out there! xo -
Guy suddenly acting distant after heavily pursuing me
savignon replied to jwrunner81's topic in Dating Advice
It is so painful to go through something like that- I'm so sorry. I agree with the Love-Bombing and you might find some solace in doing some research/reading on that. I remember I read one time that people who love-bomb are such passionate lovers as if "the ship is going down" and they'll never see you again... because they actually know they'll never see you again. Womp womp. Been there- totally sucks. Chalk it up as the good time it was and count it as your own rebound/back-in-the-saddle rendezvous. Now, onward and upward to something more meaningful! -
My boyfriend often forgets what I tell him
savignon replied to happy1's topic in Relationship Advice
If I remember correctly, you didn't believe your boyfriend when he told you he didn't have feelings for his co-worker. If you go out of your way to believe he doesn't care about you or would rather be with someone else, you will keep finding evidence of that. You could also turn it around and think "even though I've grilled him on this co-worker he is still with me and is happy for me that I'm addressing some of my insecurities". He may not have asked because he doesn't know if/what you want to share or if you want to talk about it. If my friend told me she was seeing a therapist, I would not ask her how it went after a session- I would assume she'd bring it up if she wanted to talk about it, since the nature of therapy is to have private conversations about personal things. I would take this as an opportunity to focus completely on yourself as a side-hustle he doesn't need to know about in any detail. Do the self-reflections on your own, process it on your own or with your friends, and then bring all the bonuses (improved esteem, healthier emotional habits) to your relationship table. -
Chiming in with this... my daughter (so this is different b/c it's not my husband/partner) is a pre-teen and going through all the pre-teen stuff including craving and leaning towards burgers, fries, etc when we go out. Every single person (other moms) I've commiserated with have said "you have to be the model. It starts with you." and so I've redoubled my efforts to make food at home, to pack her healthy lunches, to not come home and exasperatedly say "I'm so tired" and then stuff my face/have a glass of wine. Your boyfriend isn't a child so it isn't exactly the same, however I would say the "it starts with you" made me examine myself more closely. If we go out, I do order an appetizer or a fancy drink or a burger/fries. So she's doing what she sees and those are things I can do better for my own self/health. Again, he's not your child so you don't have to role model for him... What I'm saying is start with considering how you like to relax on a weekend. Maybe it's not sports and beer and therefore you've lost something valuable in common, making it less about appearances and more about how you connect. Maybe everything's become about food/ take-out/ what we're eating tonight instead of talking about your days/stresses/wins. That again would point to more of an emotional disconnection vs an appearance/aesthetic issue. Whatever is irritating (how he's spending his time/ what he's eating/ how he talks about his day/ takes care of himself etc), perhaps journal on what you do for relaxation/ food/ talking about your day/ how you take care of yourself. You might find that you'd like someone who aligns more with how you like to unwind and process your day vs. what you're currently live. Or, you might find you're not living to the standard you'd like to hold for yourself so you make some changes and he joins you (or doesn't). Bringing it back to me (with food/diet re: my daughter) really made me realize I wasn't doing enough for myself and it was almost like I was trying to hold her to a higher standard (ie "I deserve a few glasses of wine because I'm a single mom who works all day, but she's a growing kid and shouldn't be drinking soda!").... it really caused me to zoom inward and making changes from that position have had a much more powerful impact than doing them for someone else or trying to control someone else. I'm guessing there might be some "I'm currently living outside of my values/what I want for my life" and once you figure out what that is (whether it's how you spend your time together or how you spend your down time or your money or whatever), you can start making changes from there and see how this relationship fits in to the life you want to create for yourself. You are just in your 30s!! So much still to do and see and experience... make a list of what you want for yourself and then go do it/be it/see it/ live it!! ❤️
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I'm going to echo the people who have suggested you should be careful not to come off as disregarding and violating her no-contact wishes. You are right- she should not have to tell you she doesn't want to see you when she has already told you several times and blocked you. It is a shame that your collective toxicity ruined a potentially healthy friendship. Perhaps it would have served as a good model for how to have healthier exchanges with people.
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How to cut off my toxic mother who threatens su***de?
savignon replied to Tathink97's topic in Parenting and Families
There is a great new book by Melissa Urban (author of Whole 30) called Book of Boundaries: Setting the Limits that will Set You Free I was abused as a child as well and agree with the previous post that says when that happens, we lack boundaries ourselves because we were never allowed any and therefore don't know how to set them. This book offers some "sentence starters" to help you figure out what to say. This book really helped me. Some suggestions to get started might be: Our interactions have been causing me stress lately and I need to take a time out for myself. I'll get in touch when I'm ready to talk again. Ahead of our next visit, I'm going to ask that you not call me names when you disagree with me. If you can't do that I don't know when we'll get together next since you're not respecting me. Your aggressive towards me is inappropriate and is putting my well-being at risk. For that reason I'm going to stop responding to your messages until you get some help. Maybe then we can talk with your therapist together. I totally know that mentally-exhausted feeling. Take a deep breath, look yourself in the mirror, and appreciate how you've made a different life for yourself than the one you lived as a child. It's not too late to set some boundaries and preserve your mental wellness. You can do it!! In your corner, Sav -
Seeking your thoughts on business idea
savignon replied to savignon's topic in Career, Money and Education
I do think I will need some additional skills to be able to do what I'd like to do, and that I also have some 'gifts' like all of us here have (sympathetic listener/able to offer a perspective without judgement, etc.) That's why I posted- am I on the right track? What haven't I considered? Is this something people would want (namely the privacy, as sometimes on a public forum we can be subject to some cutting and/or unhelpful remarks and judgement)? Are there other ways for me to offer the same with the skills/credentials I already have? Do I need further training? Since this is a place people come for advice, I knew it would be a good place to hear from 'seekers' and see what else I can learn. The responses have offered lots of good food-for-thought. Thanks, everyone! -
Seeking your thoughts on business idea
savignon replied to savignon's topic in Career, Money and Education
I love these ideas. Kudos to you for finding ways to fulfill that part of you that wanted to do more. And I hadn't considered getting trained in something- I think I would find the extra education rewarding as well. Thank you for sharing! -
Seeking your thoughts on business idea
savignon replied to savignon's topic in Career, Money and Education
Thank you, Melancholy and Capricorn. I appreciate your thoughtful feedback. I agree that this site is a fantastic resource for free advice and that it’s members can be so good as to be confused for professionals. I do think I have “something” else to offer the world outside of my main career, I just haven’t arrived at it yet. Thanks again! -
Hi, Everyone! In the next few months, I would like to start an advice-column-like business. The way my 'product' would differ, is that instead of it being a more public forum (think: Dear Abby, etc), it would be a private 1:1 email exchange addressing the asker's question/concern. I have no idea (yet!) how to get this started, but wanted to ask your thoughts on a few of my wonderings below. My experience giving good advice comes comes as a result of my own counseling and therapy to resolve childhood traumas, healing through a divorce, mindfully co-parenting, and generally giving good advice (source: my friends- ha!). In other words, I'm not a professional, however I have been lauded in particular for how I co-parent, for healthfully moving past some toxicity in my family of origin while being able to maintain those relationships, and for creating financial stability after years of being drained by debt and other financial responsibilities. My idea is that a client would email me with a detailed account of a problem on their heart. I would respond within 48 hours with a spiritual (not religious) and mindful assessment of the issue at hand and what the client can do, and could consider, that would serve the highest good of all involved. I would consider myself in this role to be a "critical friend" who would gently and firmly offer the tough love we need sometimes to consider our own needs, those of our loved ones, and what we can/can't do/control to come to peaceful resolutions. My thought is to charge $20/email reading. I would clarify that I should be viewed as a private sounding board for 'everyday issues', and that any advice I offer is not to replace seeking professional help as needed. My questions/things I'd like you to help me consider are: price point ($20/email). Too high? Too low? Just right? my experience. Would you/do you think people would pay for good and thoughtful advice from a non-professional? suggestions from self-starters: Does this sound like a blog with a link to this service? A website? Any ideas for getting started? Other things to know: I have a paid, full-time job that I love. This would be a part-time 'work of heart'. I have received a lot of motivating counsel over the years and know what a difference it can make in setting someone on a different path. It would be so gratifying to help others move towards increased peace and contentment. I am so grateful in advance for your thoughts on how I can grow this into something meaningful and fulfilling. Thank you & Happy Holidays! -Sav