Steve 7745

Day who knows. Spoke to the ex. Found out she already returned my book, but she left it in a bag which I thought was someone else's. I kept it light, made a slight joke and was polite enough to say thank you. Feel like when I wake up tomorrow, the anvil is going to fall. Like something is going to block out everything. Everytime I think about the memories of any of my most recent ex, I see a haze instead of her face, or a crack like some mirror was broken over where she was supposed to be. I can't control this. I feel like someone's screwing with my head, like there are maggots or worms wriggling inside and eating my memories.

I'm staring at this screen... and for the life of me, I don't remember why I'm here. I try to make sense of it. I reread the posting descriptions. I try to grasp the reason for taking this challenge. I'm looking over the old posts I made. But it's just a blank to me.

It was a response to a previous email she had sent me. Sorry, I should have clarified. As for being upset, I doubt it. I just don't feel that I was treated fairly and made a point to indicate so without spite. There's a powerful difference between being able to tell people what they did wrong and betraying any sort of anger for it. The more I think about it, the more I feel that I've done the right thing. Treated her no more or less then how she has treated me, without harsh words, without any vengence. I've even phrased it such that she could understand my position. She made her point perfectly clear that if I mistreated her, she WOULD have removed me from her life. Why is it not fair to do the same?

Day 33.5 Today, I broke NC. I found this email when I had to clean out my inbox. (In response to me unfriending her on Facebook) Yeah, I did. I didn't like how I was being treated. On the last phone call, you snickered at me and hung up, and then it seemed as though you were ignoring any attempt to talk. If I treated you that way, you would have punted my ass to the curb. -He2etic Let me tell you how I feel. Nothing. I don't feel angry or afraid. I don't feel upsets or happy or jovial. I don't feel any emotion connected to revenge. If anything, I guess I feel a touch of relaxation. i don't care if she responds or not. There was no motivation other than to stand up and tell her that what she did was wrong without malice. And beyond doing anything more then what my philosophy tells me... I don't really care.

Day 33. Looked at my most recent ex's profile and facebook today in annoyance. No desire to contact, but a kind of lingering ardor about the situation. Went ahead and send a message to a friend of hers I met, wondering if I could strike up a friendship with her. If my ex took one of my friends, I don't see the harm in taking one of hers. Besides, this girl was cute. I won't do anything over flirty, however. Probably just tag her in the one photo I took of her. Down to 14.5% BFP today. Sweet. My nose hurts- after yanking some nose hairs out, one is swelling. It aches terribly and sometimes throbs.

I had a feeling... there were like minded individuals nearby.

P.S. Had a thought today I think I should share. When in a relationship these days, I think it best to fully expect it to end tomorrow. It probably WON'T end just tomorrow, but expect it to. People can be gone instantly. In the blink of an eye they can lose interest and walk out of your life. So assume that it will be over with tomorrow. Sticks to your morals of course, but never anticipate there being much more in it. And when they're still with you tomorrow, be surprised and elated. Enjoy their company, but never hope for a day beyond today. This way, you can never be disappointed.

Day 32. I didn't get as much done yesterday as I hopped. I had to skip jogging outdoors and the boxing because a whole host of other chores popped up that needed doing, such as lunch making for today, a spot of cleaning, etc, etc. I still managed to squeeze in some guitar playing. And I sat down to do some C#, but instead it became data entry as I had to make a few data bases for the sake of developing my ideal application, so I didn't learn all that much new stuff. Boy, I'll tell you what. (Sounding like Holden Caulifeld right now,) right now all I can think about is autumn. The smell of pumpkins and all the things that come from them. Allergies, dying leaves that become a myriad of golden colors on chilly days before the spectacular sunset. I started thinking about that ex from two years ago, pushing down every urge to talk to her. I'm suddenly in the mood to really write some good stuff. That kills me. I think I have an idea about how men seem to have it slightly easier then women when it comes to going NC. Hobbies. I mean with men, they have a lot more independent hobbies then women typically, like model building or video games. Stuff that really drowns out those nagging emotional voices. And I begin to think, maybe women could try throwing themselves into their own hobbies more often. I'm not saying that they should definitely get a copy of Warhammer Online when it comes out, although if you do please send me a PM so we can rock out. (Alright, alright, I'm dorking out right now.) But seriously, just having these moments to dork out and pursue intellectual hobbies, your mind is so wrapped up in doing something else that you forget about your ex. And by the time you think about them again, it gets easier and less painful. Maybe this post makes it sound like women DON'T have such hobbies- I know that they do. We all had a life at one point, but usually it gets left in the dust when a significant other comes along. The Architect of Fate calls to me... and bids me to war! Hail Tzeentch! ...I may disappear for weeks at a time come September 18th. Warhammer man, Warhammer.

Day 31. Alright, I slacked off in my diet and other training aspects the last week.. Here's my schedule: -Morning meditations -Lift weights, run on treadmill an hour -Eat breakfast -Finish book -Box -Eat mid morning meal -Practice guitar -Jog outside -Lunch -Pay bills -Practice C# -Swim (if possible) -Mid-afternoon meal -Take it easy after that

In retrospect to my previous words, I concur with yours. Particularly with the latter part. There's some very amazing aspects to Islam. For starters, during wars it's not uncommon for soldiers to take wives accross the seas, falling in love with foreign women and vice versa. This was common during our time in Japan and portions of Europe, if I read the figures correctly. I believe that this war saw the fewest number of during-war marriages, drastically few women would marry a man outside their faith, even if they loved him. Personally, I think that this is really the only reason Iraq desperately wants U.S. soldiers out of their country. There are other reasons to it, ranging from political to aspects of safety, but we're talking about a religion which has worked its hardest to keep women out of sight and well controlled. Hijabs (sp?) and facial scarves, honor killings, etc, etc. The thought of Americans having such influence on their women is probably scaring the ever loving [censored] out of them. Once you give someone a notion, an idea or knowledge, you can't take it away. You can't undo what is done. Whether or not we leave Iraq by 2011, I think our job is pretty done. Even when we leave, we still threw the stone into the lake, causing ripples that will someday become tidal waves. Those silly American ideas of "women's rights" and "human rights" might just suddenly begin to make some sense to Iraq's youths. It will take a few generations to open up to it, but the real damage, the injection of our ideas into their minds, is already done. I just think we paid an awfully high price for something that will take decades to really matter. The younger generation will be pointing to the casualties and cost of the war for years. "Right makes might" and not the other way around. But like it was said, America has become a nation of whiners. When you're on top too long, you forget how you got there and you become dull and used to living the good life that you don't always remember what to do when the hard times hit. I think this generation of Americans needs to be a little blooded, a little tested to recognize how America was won. Face a war, a recession. Come through the tough times realizing how lucky we are to still keep a job rather then expecting the mother government to fix our problems. A country is its people, and I think ours have grown a little fat and bored. We had the cold war once, living in fear of death at any second. Being atomized into nothing at the drop of a hat. Think about this, Americans these days are more afraid of public speaking then death, which is ranked number 4. I've almost died a few times in my life, and I'll say with a healthy respect of mortality that public speaking is absolutely nothing in comparison. I don't care about damn oil or economic turn around as much as I care for the fact that my generation needs a good challenge to wake them from their complacency. This is why I believe that Europe is further along then us. They've faced challenges and hardship more then us. They shrug at $4 gallons of gas when theirs stands around $10, but we complain about it. They have monuments and scars of war riddled all throughout their continent to remind them, while America has almost never been directly scathed. With all respect, I think your generation earned the right to think that America is the greatest, David. But my generation still has something to learn.

Day 31. There is good news.. and there is bad news... The good news is I realize I'm pretty much over my most recent ex. There's still some ache when I think about her, but there simply is no lingering desire to call or in anyway break NC. The bad news is that an old ex plagues my thoughts now. I can't seem to shake how I feel about her. I never could. How can I unlearn my feelings towards her? Built from a distance at my own expense.

Day 30. Here's my reason for believing Freud David. America was the first to do many things and move forward with ideas of freedom. We have a mentality where being the first to do something means you're the best. I've found that this only seems to apply in competitions. Basically, when you're the first to do something, you're also the first to discover all the mistakes and glitches that are harmful, etc. Europe watched what we did, came to their own ideas of democracy and freedoms, and pulled together an entire continent into the E.U. Centuries of warfare were dismissed over a few short decades into a united combination of nations. That's pretty damn amazing. I think the solution to many of our problems right now is to shut our mouths and open our ears. Pick up on new ideas and choose to learn from others mistakes. I think we've genuinely pushed our thought patterns to a dead end and now it's time to step back and ask where we're going wrong. Lots of people are quick to scream "Bush!" but we put him into power in the first place. I also don't feel much like either candidate is working to produce genuine solutions. They say they'll push for something, but really want to see detailed plans as to how they're going to accomplish goals. I mean down to the absolute nitty gritty. The only guy lately who came up with a solid plan was the Joker this summer. ..... Maybe HE Should be president... I don't have faith in where America is right now or where we're going. But I do have faith in the more important factor- American Self esteem to step back, learn from its mistakes and rebuild accordingly. We may have to hit rock bottom first though.

I wasn't upset David. I just felt it was necessary to clarify my views and not mislead you into thinking I was someone I wasn't. There's a distinction between faith and religion that people may not grasp. But I see your point that this world is mad. I laugh everyday I think about Sigmund Freud's words... "America is a grand experiment, but will ultimately will fail." I'm not saying that we're living in the end of times, but I am saying that we've arrived at the end of our golden age. America is no longer the greatest country economically, militarily, politically... And I feel like many of our views are being poorly guided. We will recover, sooner or later. But I think we have to fall first, before we can get up.

Day 29.5 The media bias against McCain has finally ticked me off. I've shrugged it off before, but I was just witness to how much someone is screwing with the stories. I understand how some facts are illustrated. When I loaded the story on MSNBC about McCain's VP, the points against her with normal text. When I reloaded the page, they were in bold. Now they're normal again. Do not attempt to accuse my browser settings.

Day 29. Some idiot thought it would be cute to call me at 4 am. She was drunk as you would not believe. Wow. David- I'm still not a believer in God or any organized faith, to be blunt. Much of what I feel, I've arrived at my own conclusions without much of a look at religion. I believe that human beings are generally good, but easily misguided. And as of late, we turn and denounce God, believing more in each other. Only this is making our weaknesses more and more apparent. I respect that God is something of a necessity I suppose. A place we can put our faith, something to believe in to give us a spiritual focus. Just because I don't believe in God doesn't mean I don't believe in faith. Faith is essential, it's necessary. We need something to believe. Basically, I feel like humanity needed a guide in a way. A shape, an altar to lay down what was altruistic, and make civilization possible. Sometimes, people do these things, engaging in debauchery, etc etc. Others claim, "How is this destroying civilization? Give me a break..." But it's like a downward spiral that humans are so well known for. We get depressed because we're rejected, we get rejected because we're depressed, we continue to fall. We do destruction because we are angry, and oddly enough we may even feel angry because we do destruction. The more you do it, the deeper you go. There is the capacity for great harm in too much sexuality. Emotional, physical. My friend swears up and down that if it's consensual and safe, it's okay. But the more you do it, the more that a single lie can tear down that house of cards. Say someone didn't know they had HIV, someone forgot to take the pill. Someone gets pregnate. Someone takes choking too far, BDSM too far. I know too many women who have been raped because someone thought it was okay. Because someone fumbled when it was time to say no. Most rapes aren't vicious attacks on the street, they're date rapes. Someone you knew, someone you trusted to a point. I've known specific examples of all the above. And they all said things to the effect of, "Yeah, yeah, I'll be careful..." before it was too late. Somehow in all of this, infidelity in marriage and partners became commonplace too. Funny word, infidelity. An infidel is an unbeliever. It implies a lack of faith. Curious. I think this path is a lot harder. Because I'm not entirely sure just how to put what I see or feel into words. Other people say God, and there is over two millennia of history to back that up. Lord knows they got the resume for it. I see why religion was necessary in the first place, but I ask how we can learn morals without it.