yankeefan74

You can't talk someone into loving you. If she does love you, then your absense from her life should hurt her enough to motivate her to do something about it. If she really loves you, do you think she'll forget about you? I've never forgotten someone I loved. Even if I no longer love them, they aren't forgotten. For some perspective - in my own situation - after my ex broke up with me last July, I thought I had all the right words to keep her around. I didn't beg and plead, I didn't call her constantly...but we did talk face to face and via email (we work together). Needless to say, it didn't bring her back. In most cases, it just angered her. Then I had vacation. I wasn't at work, so we didn't see each other at all. She called me - even though she was already seeing someone else - to tell me that she was "hurting" because we weren't in contact. So I went right after her - started trying to talk her back into being with me again. Again, it didn't bring her back. What it did, I'm sure, was convince her that she was free to do whatever with this other guy without risk of losing me. I was still on the hook. Every time I have left her alone, she has sought me out in some way. In December, she told me she still had feelings for me and thought about me a lot. She even called me at home one day when I had a day off...just to see if I'd email her at work and talk to her. All of that happened even though she was STILL seeing the guy she got involved with after me. She's asked me out for drinks several times - the latest was a couple of days ago. Basically, the more I leave her alone, the more interested she is. The more I charge after her, the more she runs away. The difference is that I'm leaving her alone now because I see that that's the best way for me to move on and live my life. Before, I was leaving her alone because I saw that in some ways, I actually got MORE attention from her after brief periods of ignoring her. It was a tactic. Regardless of why you stop contacting someone - it helps. You should be able to heal and move on eventually whether your ex comes back to you or not. Do I still have some hope that we'll get back together? Yes, if I'm being completely honest with myself, I do have hope. I still feel hurt at times - her birthday is next week, and it reminds me of us being together last year for her birthday. But I've gotten to the point where i realize that she has had a huge impact on me, and I will always love her because of what her presense in my life, however brief it was, did for me. But I'm free to fall in love with someone else...and that new relationship will be even stronger because of my experiences with my ex.

outstanding! That's a place I wish i could get too. Getting there though.

Thanks...there's no way i'm going to get a drink with her. Maybe in a couple of months, but not now. There are lingering feelings on both sides (though, admittedly, far more powerfully in me), and I can guarantee that something would happen - even just a kiss. And that would just translate into more anger that she'd have towards me. We've gotten to the point where we can say hello, how are you without too much drama. i want to keep it that way.

I'm permanently on day zero given the circumstances, but it is definitely LC. However, i got the "maybe we can get a drink" comment today... ugh.

You're doing better than you think. You'll have a great time on your trip, and you'll come home feeling better than ever.

I had to read it in college. we also watched the film. It's a lot of fun. Some people in my class didn't like it as it takes some concentration...but it cracked me up. It's definitely deserving of its reputation.

Don't do it. Let him contact you. Easier said than done. Stay strong.

This is exactly where i am at as well. I woke up wanting to write her an email or speak to her at work to "clarify" some things, but I knew it wouldn't change things...probably push her farther away...so...i haven't done it. What happened to my relationship reminds me of a song lyric "What if our love, never went away...what if it's lost behind words we could never find..."

Don't beat yourself up, Dave. I am the same way. I can list many, many things that are "wrong" with my ex, or at least, with what our relationship had turned in to...but I would still, almost two months after the breakup, take her back. It's not all about her, there are other issues involved, but still...i know how you feel.

Well, that tells you a lot about him right there. I know that you are hurting, but from what you describe, you're obviously going to better off. Might be a while until you feel that way, but i think eventually you will. I think a lot of us understand your feelings of hurt, devastation, etc. You're certainly not alone, and i would encourage you to talk about this with anyone will...and let yourself feel all of the things you're inevitably going to feel... I know it seems like he doesn't care - perhaps he's too immature to know how to show you he does care without leading you on, perhaps he feels in HIS mind he's been clear and you haven't taken the hint - but it does not take a lot to say "I know how you feel about me, but I don't have the same feelings for you. I care about you, and you deserve to be with someone that can reciprocate those feelings." I am sorry for the pain you're going through. I've been through it recently myself, obviously...but again, there are plenty of people here to talk to that know EXACTLY what you are going through. I hope that provides some comfort.

Well, even though my relationship ended on the first of July, this is really my third day of no contact. About a month and a half went by of daily conversations - not always about "us", but regular contact. There were discussions about getting back together that ultimately went nowhere - there was random making out, hand holding...tears on both sides, hugs, more kissing, but ultimately, she was with a guy less than a 2 weeks after we split, and she's still with him. It's the "happiest she's ever been", "i never thought i'd meet someone just like me" (That's a scary thought, there are two of them out there? Yikes! lol) etc. She called me constantly...emailed me, sent me texts...we work together, so she'd come over and just want to hang out and talk. She wanted to do things with me outside of work, was "terrified" at the thought of us drifting apart...that all we'd become were people who said "hello" at work. Well, that's what we've become. She sent me an email the other day that basically said that i shouldn't call her (haven't called her once since she broke up with me. wanted too, but i haven't), don't text her (I sent her a text message to tell her i was glad she finally got to go see her parents a few weeks ago after more than a year of not seeing them - and i also sent her a text that said "It hurts seeing you, but it also hurts not seeing you. Being friends isn't going to work.") Emails have been the downfall. But she has called me on several occasions, only to go quite quickly when the boyfriend calls. They had a fight about her and i still talking, at least, that's what it seems like, regardless, she's decided that no contact is the best thing. Which, of course, i've been trying to do for a couple weeks now. So that's a good thing. But again, today is day three. She's away through wednesday, so i won't even see her at work until thursday... We'll see how it goes. She has overpowering insecurities, and every time i've tried to pull away in the previous month and a half, a couple of days goes by, and then she can't stand it - so she calls or emails and tells me how much she's "Hurting" by not seeing me. Yes, i've emailed her back - but she always the one to initiate the contact. In one case, she literally just called to tell me how much her electric bill was that month. I assume the electric bill was just the excuse to call. I have to admit that this is tough...tougher than i thought it would be. As much as i know all of the things about her that i put up with, that i shouldn't have - i still miss her. It's as simple as that, i miss her presense in my life. I've wanted to text her and tell her, but i haven't. Every time i do this, i envision her leaving for her trip, seeing my message, and thinking "Yep, i still got the hooks him in."

We've been broken up about 5 weeks. She's with somebody else...and they're apparently just as happy as she's ever been...at least, that's what she felt she needed to tell me. lol. We were together for 13 months, and though there were ups and downs, we never actually broke up. We worked through some little things here and there, and i honestly thought we were getting along the way we used to as the month of June (the month we got together in the previous summer) ended. She stayed with me all weekend June 27th-29th. We had a great weekend...she called me an hour after she left on that sunday to tell me she missed me already...we should start thinking about where we could go this summer for a little trip...two days later, she dumped me. yippee. I have my good days, and my bad days. But she has kissed me several times since the "breakup"...she has held my hand, told me she still loves me, still is attracted to me...still wants to "spend time together"...hates the idea of me with someone else...and i ate up every single part of those things. Thought they were all good signs. At one point, she told me she was torn - and a part of her really wanted to come back...she wanted to marry me and buy a house with me...but they were just words. The kisses, the handholding, the hugs, the flirting - those are her actions. And what it told me was that she still has those feelings for me, but for whatever reason - probably infatuation with the new guy - she won't come back. And the more i pursued her, the less chance she'd come back. She enjoyed the compliments i was giving her, and she enjoyed the fact that i still wanted her, i'm sure...but i still made it even easier for her to run to the other guy. So again, i have some fresh experience with all this, and i think your best bet is to not contact him. If he contacts you, then you can talk, but i wouldn't bring up the idea of getting back together...or your relationship at all, really. Talk about other things, if he wants to bring those things up...tell him you're done living in the past, you're concerned with your future...and looking forward to finding someone who wants to walk into that future with you.

You're never going to be able to figure everything out. He wouldn't have the answers you want either. I know it's difficult, but i would use the vacation as an opportunity to not be in contact with him.

are you going on vacation with friends? Seems like a perfect way to try and forget about things for a while.

Well, not having any contact allows you to heal. It probably doesn't feel like that right now, but I can tell you that seeing your ex would be much harder. you would be analyzing every word, every phrase...every look he gave you...it would take you much longer to move on. Perhaps that's not the goal right now, but gaining independence emotionally from your ex can pull them back as well. I think that's a big part of this thread. Most people I know of that got back together with someone have discovered that about the time they have let go for good, the ex starts sniffing around again with purpose. Not just to say hello, but to feel you out in terms of dating again. This obviously doesn't happen in every relationship. A lot of times, people break up and never speak to one another again unless they run into each other by accident...but reconciliations do happen. They will rarely work if the people involved haven't grown in meaningful ways.