bfla

3 weeks BU/NC as of about right now. Easier this time than our first BU. But still the same goal for me... which is why I continue to post in Getting Back Together. *sigh*

Yeah, the secret subtext around here being that they usually don't. Party on.

Oh GHG, I was watching your story with a lot of optimism

Had a dream last night that I had to go to her house for some reason and she wouldn't go near me... that also hurt. Day 36.

IMs are tricky DrP. Maybe she just wasn't there? I know I don't usually respond to IMs hours later.... Take it easy.

It's on my myspace. When she visits it and hears, I wonder what she thinks before she goes back to Rebound Guy's arms. Meh

Jeez DrPhil. You remind me of myself hardcore. Heh

Well, I hate to bring it up cause it's pretty mortifying, but if you look back at my old posts: I think I may have mentioned that at the beginning of all this, I was an ass and logged into her accounts...social networks, email, etc. So she met him on a dating site, about a week and a half after we broke up. I read their emails back and forth, saw his facebook, know where in town he lives and a little bit about what he does, etc. Yes, I know, this is really shady and betrayal-type stuff, so it's why I have stopped. My therapist verifies everytime too. I am not doing that anymore. I hear that she hooked up one of her girlfriends with one of his friends, and they have been double dating. I know she spent the 4th of july with his family. I know he has gone babysitting with her (she does it once a week for a local family, I used to go with her a lot But, on the flip side, knowing all this crap about him nauseates me, makes me sick, makes me scared as hell of him, and also doesn't help me get her back in any way.

Mine's studying to be high school, like me. That's why a couple of my friends have dropped the lines like... "she'll come around man, when she gets closer to her internship, goes out to schools, looks for a job" etc. They think she will associate teaching with me or something. Wish I knew. But even her internship is a year off. And who knows what will have transpired with Rebound Guy by then.

Yeah, you mind if I ask your age DrPhil? I'm 24 myself with my ex being 20 (21 in about 3 weeks.) She's still in college, and her summer terms are about to end. I'm a school teacher now though, we have pretty different schedules. Just wondering, based on your timing considerations.

Well, DrPhil, it's hard to say really. I think like many of us who are in this situation, not only is the entire thing a rollercoaster, each day tends to be its own. In fact, I think I will start to refer to the whole thing as the damn Theme Park, because everyday is its own unique ride. (My last thread yesterday was titled 'rollercoaster days') It's hard to summarize the whole read here, and I did sit there at Borders for a few hours reading the whole thing (OK, OK, I did skim a few sections) but the main concepts I walked away with were not smothering your ex, and, to use Dr. Harris' words - "love them back to you." He makes repeated reference to the idea of a "love-bond" that once connected the two parties. He would infer that it is probably possible to form a new one. He also used the term "limerance" which I was familiar with from old high school crushes, and it refers to that giddy introductory feeling in a new relationship: see link removed and link removed ... referring to the way the ex may feel toward a new lover right now, and not to be discouraged by the introduction of a new person into their life. I'm worried that a lot of us on NC feel like we have left a "door open" but we did it by leaving a nasty taste in our ex's mouth. I love you, I need you, I want to marry you, come back to me... "No!"... ok then I'm going NC. And we do. And we "do it for ourselves", not to "get them back", but we still probably wonder what they are thinking, its hard not to. Like you said - I don't want to assume this guy is not a rebound. Maybe they are already deeply in love. Maybe they will be married within the year. But then another part of me still wants to be an optimist, be filled with hope, know that I do feel real love for the person who I am not with right now. And even though it is dangerous, and we are all warned not to do it, I still find myself using those thoughts as motivation. And already, I've spent 6-7 straight weeks improving myself, working on my self confidence, seeing a therapist, working out, even hittin' the beach with some friends and getting a little tan. I guess this reply rambled a little bit, and I might just go to Borders and pay for the dang book so I can talk about it here a little more, but I don't expect it to be my magic wand or anything. I did find it interesting, though, that the majority of the book was about figuring out when it's OK to contact, how to go about doing it, how to HANDLE your emotions about a "NEW GUY/GIRL" in their lives, how not to torture yourself thinking about the two of them "lovemaking" (as Dr. Harris puts it), how to deal with a "resistant lover" (what a great topic)...instead of a book of "you can make yourself better and just do it for you!!!! hooray!!!" the author really is focused on the topic at hand, even if the title is a little gimmicky... it's why we are all posting on this board and not the other one... "GETTING BACK TOGETHER"

Sure Johnathan. I am the same way. The ISBN is 0440500893 if you want to see reviews on amazon or elsewhere. I cant vouch for it obviously, since I only just read it yesterday. It was nice to see a resource that offered up a little more beyond the usual NC stuff. But most of the reviews are pretty true -- it doesn't really offer a whole lot of strategies for getting BACK into contact with an ex who you arent really in contact with right now.

Day 34 of half-assed NC I read a book last night at the bookstore entitled How To Get Your Lover Back. It was a little dated and yet it was pretty much the only insight I've received so far that didn't consist of "shut up and don't talk to them." It really almost kicked my ass into sending her a little "just saying hi" email since I know I left her with such a sour needy taste on our last encounters. The book also made sure to encourage you 100 times not to care about the new guy, or Rebound Guy as I call him. Then I woke up today, and she had deleted all the remaining myspace pictures that have the two of us in them. She had erased the facebook pictures weeks and weeks ago, and I could not figure out what she was waiting for with the myspace pics. So of course I typed a little two line email. Just wanted to say hi. Hope you're having an awesome summer! And did not send it. But man, I really want to. I feel like... we are seven weeks into this and rebound or not, she's STILL erasing stuff. It freaks me out and makes me wonder if she's just going to erase me from her life until I really am, for good. And I really want to send that mail just to show her I'm not as desperate and needy as I came off on our last encounters. It's really bad though. I totally got myself back into a "contact her!" mindset and the damn pictures didn't help. Of course, she doesn't have to know I saw that either. (Didnt log into my account) And the book really whooped my butt into thinking...who cares about Rebound Guy, who cares if she's sleeping with him, who cares if his birthday is next week. Get your woman back! Like the book said... love her back to you!

Hang in there Izzy every emotion will come and go.

Sounds just like me...gym, therapy, family and friends, and sitting and worrying about it. Tonight will be 3 weeks of NC for me. She's busy with her rebound guy now. I kinda wish that would turn around too. Good luck