thatdoggirl

The background story of this poem I just wrote has to do with what I cannot get off my mind right now. I've been in a relationship with a wonderful guy this past month and I knew him a month before that. He's so sweet and an all-around great person with lots of love in his heart. He is a Christian. However, throughout his life he's been surrounded by friends and relationships that are unhealthy and his best friend just recently stole from him and has done numerous unfriendly things to him in the past. Now he wants to get a job working 7 days a week and he wants to move in with this so-called best friend. I'm in no position to really tell him what to do but it completely contradicts him telling me that he was done with this guy and also how he was planning a future with me and I was helping him to go back to school and job searching, etc. Now all of that is dropped for this friend and the thing will probably not work out anyway and his friend has lots of issues... a wife (and 3 kids with her), a girlfriend (and 3 kids with her), and some new girlfriend... and he steals from people and has no job. I hope my bf makes a wise choice. (And sorry I just rambled/ranted.. I'm just really upset about it and needed to vent...) Here's the poem: Your Codependency is Hurting Me as if i was yours from the moment we met you were my knight quickly falling into your arms we laughed in delight inseperable; like best friends we were a team linked; two become one it was a dream faced with a demon of your fears and i talk as if you're already gone because in my heart i already know something feels wrong i see from my loved ones you are bound to make mistakes but i've given too much and i can't stand the heart aches god loves you he's waiting for you to follow through i just want you to know that i will always love you

This is just a short little poem I made up off the top of my head one day. the pawn bravely moved forward she was deep rooted in fear the knight came in with his L shaped attack she accepted her defeat with astounding grace remorse laid accross the table a vicious game of vulnerablity it ended in a draw

A short poem I just came up with that expresses how I'm feeling in my relationship right now... I feel direspected. Dragged like a doll accross the dirt I can feel the tiny rocks poking me While you grasp onto me with your hand I am by your side because you never let go But I don’t like the feel of the ground I want to be held tightly in your arms So close to your heart The warmth, the comfort Please pick me up out of the dirt

As The Gold Moon Fades The full moon rises, reflecting the light of memories, of all those good times we had. Of the love that has come to pass. The moon shows me your face. Those gold specs in your eye, shining a bright light, that sparks my soul. My passion runs on a wild chase. Following the moon, into the dark. Where the silence stirs. As the moon slowly hides your face, behind the trees, I’ve come to see that our love, is a love lost. Days go by… As the moon begins to fade, Time slowly passes, And the heart slowly mends. It’s time to begin again. I whisper to myself, I will let you go, as I kiss the moon goodnight.

DAY 15 Oh yeah? Well... reply 10001 is SO much cooler! YEAH!!!1!!1! And I'm totally doing good today. Kinda have the urge to contact the ex but I think I've completely let go of the hope of any sort of relationship with him... maybe I can be his friend in the future some day but not now. I just have some things I want to let him know while I'm focused on my life. However, I'm going to wait til after the 30 day mark. I'm also fairly close to accepting everything. I still don't know how I'd react if I saw him with someone else... I think the feelings are still there for that matter and he was my first bf and stuff so I'm sure I'll feel jealous at first but I know enough to know that I couldn't be in a relationship with him anyway... it wouldn't be best for me. So I'm sure I'll get past that jealous feeling one day.

Day 12 Day 12 is almost at an end… actually technically now it could be onto day 13 but oh well. I had a really good day today. I went to sleep really late last night, like 3am because I stayed up late watching a movie. Then I woke up at 8:40am sweating like crazy because I had kept the fan off and wore my hoodie. Big mistake. So I was wide awake and just decided to get up and move some more stuff around my house and put up a few more posters in my room. I’m pretty much done so soon I’m going to take pictures. I have a student worker job as an office assistant at my college and my mom works in the same office. The secretary was sick. I had taken off the summer quarter there but my mom asked me if I wanted to go into work. I had some other plans for my day but nothing I had to do and I missed my school and working there so I went in. In the back of my mind I knew I’d have a high chance of running into the ex since he works as a security guard in the parking lot/garage but I didn’t think about it too much and had a pretty great day at work. On our way out to the parking lot getting off of work we walked down the tunnel and I was joking around saying that I hear that one star wars song in my head whenever you see Darth Vader “bum bum bum bumbumbum bumbumbum”. Haha. Then my mom threw in “flying monkeys” (referring to the flying monkeys in wizard of oz… not even remembering until afterward about all the monkeys and my ex. LOL) anyway… then she said “flying monkeys” again because this time she spotted him. I looked and saw him walking around the parking lot kind of in our direction a little bit. Then as we started to head closer to my mom’s car I turned my head away towards the car and I think he saw me… my mom thinks he saw me too. She said he looked like he was starting to walk my way but then turned around probably because I turned my head away. We saw him walking back to the edge of the parking garage and I saw him look back and then he started to stare out towards the road below since it’s upstairs. My mom started driving out and I thought that she was going to drive around the area that he was by because technically your supposed to take that way to exit instead of cutting through the parking spot spaces but she instantly starts cutting through the parking lot spaces and I’m like “What are you doing?!?!?! I wanted to go the other way and just drive by him” and she is like “I thought you wanted me to go the other way so you wouldn’t have to see him”. LOL. Yeah, the insanely spastically crazy side of me wanted to just be able to pass by him. Sillyness. I’m so glad my mom drove the other way though. =) I’m so glad I have support all around me for the times when my heart sometimes screams louder then my head. Either way I wasn’t going to talk to him. Just the other way I would have put myself through driving past him. Something I did notice even though I wanted to drive past him so badly was that when I first saw him… sadly, my heart didn’t “skip a beat”. I did find it quite weird to be SO close to him yet SO far away, yet I didn’t react like I thought I would when I first saw him. It was only when my mom started to drive away that I begun to react. Anyway, I’m realizing today that I’m stepping a bit more towards acceptance. I know I probably have a LOOONG way to go but I do know that it’s right that things had to end between me and him. He will always be my first love but somewhere out there is someone else who I will love one day and they will love me back equally, with all of their heart and soul. I also have to get used to the fact that there is probably someone else out there that is meant for him. LOL. Honestly, I love him so I do want him to be happy so I hope that one day he finds someone that will make him happy. I’ll probably be a little bit jealous at first but I’ll just have to remember all of the things I didn’t like about our relationship and then I’ll realize that I don’t have to be so jealous after all. Haha. After leaving school my mom and I stopped by and visited my sister real quick at her dad’s house and then we went to see that chick flick “Mama Mia” because my mom wanted to see it for a 3rd time and I hadn’t seen it yet. It was SOOOO corny but I liked it. Cute movie. Now I’m back home… kinda pissed because my internet isn’t working right but also I’m relaxing and watching the end of One Tree Hill and happy that I had a great day and seeing my life so much more clear. I’m starting to accept the fact that I’m okay with being single and maybe someday in the future I will find the right guy for me. I may still have those “bad” days because I won’t say that I don’t miss him and that I don’t love him and sometimes get sad being alone… but deep down I know that I’ll be fine, plus I got all of my friends and family to help keep my head together and support me.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be the dumper because it seems like they are the ones who move on easier or find someone else. However, I do agree with you on the dumpees or luckier because even though we go through a harder time we go through all the grieving and emotions and we learn from it. We will ultimately be able to establish better, healthier friendships and relationships in our future. While the dumper is off repeating their old habbits.

DAY 9 What the...? I'm already just about a 1/3 of the way through. WOW! Hopefully the other 2/3's get easier. Last night I ended up not going to the club but I went to the movies and stake'n'shake with that guy. I still don't like him any more then a friend and I feel terrible because he thought it was a date and paid for everything. I'll just really have to stress the fact that I'm not looking for a relationship and just want to be his friend. I still feel bad though because he thinks otherwise but I guess that is also something I cannot control. Before I went to sleep last night I once again missed being held by my ex but I was so tired that I feel asleep easily. I was so I had some really crazy dreams last night. LOL. They were sex dreams and they were the rare kind that didn't involve my ex. Haha. I'm really just starting my day so there isn't much to write about. I'm feeling okay. Now I just gotta figure out what I'm going to do today.

DAY 6 I'm so sad today. I was happy and doing good yesterday but then I spent the day being kind of lazy and online. Grrr. I plan to avoid the computer today. I'm just gonna be on in the morning and try to fight the computer urge until tonight just to check mail and that sort of stuff. I want to unpack and clean/organize my new room back at my mom's and if I get done with that... I'll go for a walk and then come back and maybe clean the whole house! LOL. I also had crazy dreams last night. They probably all had to do with my ex. He was in a lot of them and all of the stuff going on in the dream I think they symbolized me feeling like he is still in control of me and my thoughts even without the contact. Which I realize that with me thinking about him all the time, he totally is in control. This also interfers with my fears that he really doesn't understand why I won't talk to him and I keep feeling terrible like I'm going to make things worse between me and him when I am finally ready to be his friend again and that maybe he wouldn't take me back as a friend. I know that I shouldn't be worried about that stuff and that I should be prepared to live my life without needing him in any way but I really want his friendship when I'm ready. =( Okay... whatever, I'm going to go so I can get started quicker on doing good things for myself today. I'm glad everyone is doing so well, I HOPE that I am able to complete this challenge... 24 more days to go. So many days.

DAY 4 Strangly enough I was actually tired last night and was glad because I had to get up early for work in the morning and didn't want to be burdened with another night of restlessness. I went to be around 11 and woke up to the 5:40 alarm. I didn't feel any pit in my stomach or any heart ache that I usually feel. Today my mind has been telling me that he wasn't the one so maybe my mind has been telling that to my heart. I really hope that this means that I am making some progress. Today I also don't feel the desire to be in contact with him. I keep thinking, what's the point really. Thinking about him is still consuming my mind though and I can't stand seeing his name on the news feed of facebook but there isn't much I can do about it. This morning I log in the first thing listed on my news feed is about him adding a friend that is a girl. LOL. However, I've added a few guys lately anyway so it doesn't bother me that much. It just keeps making me curious to look at his profile and I'm not going to lie... I have been looking at his profile breifly and nothing is updated on it anyway. I do need to stop myself somehow. I'm just not sure yet because I have a habbit of checking my facebook a lot anyway. And with myspace... he's on my top friends still and I kinda want to move him off of it so I don't have to see his face yet I still have that worry in the back of my mind that he'd be offended that I took him off and thereforee take me off his top friends. Such a stupid pointless thing that I shouldn't even care about... it's just stupid myspace. All of this keeps coming back to me remembering that I need to be spending time thinking about myself and working on me and not thinking about him. It's kind of difficult to do that on the weekend for me since I'm stuck at work for 12 hours in a little booth by myself. I'm just looking forward to getting home tonight and having the weekdays off so I can plan out a bunch of stuff to do to occupy my time. There is a lot of stuff I want to do that I never get around to so I need to start writing them down and organize my week so that I have something else to think about!

To the person above about the 30 day mark. I think the 30 day challenge is probably a minimum. I've heard it takes 3 weeks for someone to ummm... I guess let's say adapt to change. Like moving to a new city and such. Then again for others it takes more time. It just depends on how you feel. If you get to day 30 and feel like you are ready to give the "friends" thing a shot then try it but if you have any doubts maybe set another goal and lengthen the time a bit until you are. Or maybe you'll find that you are better off not trying the "friends" thing and can handle having them out of your life. It's up to you what you do. That's just my thoughts. Now onto... DAY 3 I was reading another post SuperDave71 wrote over on another message board about not showing up to their residence. However, I didn't know that yesterday so I went to pick up the leftover stuff and brought my little brother along so I didn't have to feel so depressed walking into an apartment with no one there. Atleast I knew he was at work so there was no risk of seeing him and being tempted to break the NC. Last night was the first night I had gone out and done something. I ended up meeting that guy friend (not a date...) at the movies and going to BW3's afterwards. I'm shy whenever meeting new people but I tried talking some... he ended up being a little bit nerdy but we had some stuff in common and he was rambling on and on since I was someone he had just met. It was nice to make a new guy friend since I haven't made a new guy friend in a while. However, at the end when driving back home I began thinking of my ex and how much I missed him. I looked in the sky and noticed a full moon. Whenever I was with my ex and saw a full moon in the sky it was always when we'd be having a great night. Then I went to bed because I had to be up early for work and found myself slipping into short periods of sleep but waking up thinking about things. On the ride to work this morning it was still dark out and I got angry thinking about everything and then I saw the darn full moon again and the song that came on the radio was a Tom Petty song (which I listened to a lot growing up and it was just the wrong time to be playing)... I cried a bit but singing along help calm me down. I got ahold of myself. I've been doing a lot more reading of SuperDave71's posts and know that I just have to keep up with this no contact thing. I'm strong enough. I can do it. I keep hoping that 30 days will be enough time for me to get over it and be able to be his friend because that's what I want. I'm just not sure... I may need longer... but I don't know how I'm going to feel in the upcoming days so I guess I just have to wait it out and in the meantime focus on myself. Which I need to do A LOT more of since I find myself sometimes wondering what he's up to this weekend and how soon or if he may attempt contact again or if he realizes what I'm doing and will leave me alone. All of these things I keep wondering needs to eventually stop so I can focus on myself. It's tough... it really is like an obsessive addiction. Not fun at all.

Day 2 Today is going a bit better then yesterday. I still have a lot of anger and sadness in me. I just realized last night that I left my trash can and vacumm at the apartment so I have to go back sometime today before he gets back from work so I can keep with the no contact. Ugh, not looking forward to the feeling of when I go to an empty apartment to pick up the last of my stuff but darn it, I really need that vacumm. Haha. On the brightside I'm meeting a guy today to go to the movie with... he and I are just looking for a friendship. But I'm thinking soon I might try dating a little bit. However, I'm not looking to rush into any relationships especially with it being so soon.

We had been on a 'break' for the past 2 weeks and it ended up with him not wanting space and what made it harder was that we lived together. So it wasn't even really a 'break' because in the second week the cuddling began and then there was a couple times where it was more then that and I was confused. I'm still in love with him but know that he has manipulated me and he doesn't even realize it (or maybe he does). He loves me but says he doesn't think I'm the one he is supposed to marry. So we broke up yesterday morning. He left for work. That's when I made a decision and told myself I had to move out right then and there. I packed up all my stuff into my car and moved back in with my mom. I had read this thread like a week ago and so yesterday I realized I needed to do NC in order to get over him. I still want to be his friend in the end because he is a nice guy and we get along. I just have to look at the reality and know that we aren't meant for each other. So I need a month to get away and have time to myself before I talk to him again. I made a couple exceptions. I'll explain them so it's clear that they aren't exceptions as in any kind of hopes or ways to cause more pain for myself. We had both been signed on a lease for a new apartment and the move in date was August 29th. So I called up the place and took my name off and told them that he was still interested and they told me to have him call ASAP. So I had to break NC strictly for "business" purposes only so I stopped by the apartment while he was away at work and left a note with nothing but the info on the apartment and the paper that goes with it. Then another thing, when we were together... a week or two ago I had invited him to go with me to Kings Island (an amusement park) along with a group of other friends that might go. So I felt it would be rude to leave him out of that and go off with everyone else so I did forward a message that I sent out to everyone invited about that through Facebook so that message included him. However, I know in the he mostlikely can't make it anyway due to work schedules and everything so there is 90% chance he won't reply or won't be able to make it. So hopefully I just don't get a reply about that. I have received a couple texts of him telling me of how he didn't sleep well last night without me and him trying to say hey. Then he tried another text this afternoon and an IM this evening asking if I was going to talk to him. I didn't respond to anything! It's killing me lately because I feel bad and don't want him to hate me or think that I hate him. However, I know that it's best that I don't talk to him for the month so I can go through this. So I technically started yesterday afternoon with this but I'll just say that today was DAY 1!