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meinreallife

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meinreallife last won the day on June 30 2008

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About meinreallife

  • Birthday 02/16/1965

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  1. meinreallife
    So.... you're married now. My daily visit to my thoughts had to change. I let you go. Crazy, but you still show up in the corners. I tell you to "GET OUT OF MY HEAD" and that works. And I am OK. I know...and I've always known that it would never be the right thing for us. Too many years....uh my marriage. The thing is, I'm different. I am not the person that I was before I met you. I am a soul in search of more. I really, honestly believe you are happy and that does make me happy. I do miss you AND I miss having your ghost around to talk to. I gave you up about three months ago and this is the first time I let you back in. I had a bad day. I didn't get a job offer I had interviewed for. I didn't really want the job, I just wanted to be offered. It would be awesome to hear from you. Life is what happens while we are making plans. C, you are wonderful.
  2. meinreallife
    I am writing here again after a long break. I went NC for 9 weeks, then back into a flirty 2 month nightmare of self torture. I finally got the nerve to go NC again. Now I am at 34 days. I miss her like crazy, but I've decided she doesn't get to know me anymore. Wish me luck, the holidays are coming. It truly amazes me at all the incredible people at ENA that probably walk around all day with smiles that are hurting inside. Such a life, eh?
  3. meinreallife
    This is stupid. Why do I pine?
  4. meinreallife
    Here at the computer while life is wonderful outside. Someone told me that everytime you contemplate the hole in you, fill it with healthy living. Well.. typing here does help, so I am gonna count this as healthy. You guys need to get my back on that Stillsmiling, thanks The heart is this big messy pile of hopes, dreams, fears, prejudice, faith, compassion...and on and on. When you finally find someone you feel good about giving your heart to and they to you, all that vulnerability is out there. Your friend takes your heart. They hold it and protect it and share it all. It really sucks when they give it back.
  5. meinreallife
    I have to type something here. I need to stay NC. Falling off the last time was not good for me. This challenge for me is not about getting her back, but me moving on. I need this to work. Gasp....I need to fill the hole in me.
  6. meinreallife
    What a fool i am. Emailed her because I knew she was going on vacation. My NC is going in the wrong direction. Ugh, I'm exhausted with this.
  7. meinreallife
    Really???? The second time of NC is much harder. The LC after 9 weeks made it seem like there is something worth having, even if it is LC. I almost texted, called and emailed her. All aborted, stopped and deleted. It is so frickin hard. During the LC, she was so sweet with the emails. How can I be such a * * * * * ? But I know it won't work. All I want is her and I am the one that has to say no. God I hate myself today....
  8. meinreallife
    Ugh was 9 weeks, now 1 day I tried. She showed up at work to see common friends. We've talked and emailed the last two weeks. I have to try again. I can't do this. Full life is not for the weak. I want NOTHING more than to see and talk to her. The last thing that is good for me is to see and talk to her. I will try again.....
  9. meinreallife
    I miss her.... I miss her friendly words, I miss her honesty, I miss the way she teased me, I miss intimate conversation, I miss her brown eyes. I drank too much last night and listened to all the music she sent me. Really... It was pathetic. When does a heart find happiness that lasts?
  10. meinreallife
    Day 38 I really can't believe it's been 38 days. I feel like my life is hanging by a thread. Not the live or die life, but the living my life part. The longer I have been NC the more I realize all the good stuff we had. I dream about her every night. This stuff sucks. This great thing happened to me so slowly, so quietly. Then its gone. I miss her...
  11. meinreallife
    So, I counted wrong, Day 35. I thought it was 32, but I know it is 5 weeks. Go figure. I dreamt of her, C, last night. Woke up hurting. We have very few common friends, but I do work with one of her friends, M. A bunch of us had lunch today and I sat next to M. We talked about many things, but at one point M brought C up. So you all know, this was an affair, and secret. M did not know. I asked, "How is C doing?" M met my eyes for a second and I realized that M does know. M answered she is doing well. In this moment the words had no meaning. The look took me back weeks in healing. I almost called C on the way home. NC SUCKS!!!
  12. meinreallife
    Day 32 Ok folks. I had a great morning. I went to the gym. I put some new tunes on the ipod (some I don't like, why?). I drove into work and just had passing thoughts about her. I did great. Lunchtime. I decided to take in some nature. I read today that spending time looking at something natural calms you more than almost anything. Btw the same article says a plasma TV has the same effect as staring at a blank wall. Anyway, I went on a walk. I sat on a bench and looked out over a pond. It was all very nice, no hurt no thinking about her. For some god-awful reason one lyric of a song popped into my head and I lost it. I believe in the NC. Based on why we split there will be no reconcilliation. However, when does the hurt stop?
  13. meinreallife
    Day 32 This is now my daily stop at my first break at work everyday. It feels great to hear how human I am when I see your comments. The drive in to work today was hard. I have this horrible habit of putting on music playlists that she gave me or I gave her. Its the one thing that quickly reminds me how good it was. I must be a masochist. With her number queued up on my mobile, my finger hovered over the SEND key. I held back. I miss her...
  14. meinreallife
    Day 31 I get on fine through the day, however I can't drive to work or home without losing it. I keep pushing the hurt to keep her close, but I know I shouldn't. We used to share pix over the phone of when we caught a beautiful moment, sunset.... Now when I see a great open sky with just the right light I find some comfort. I wonder how she is. We live too far apart and have very few common friends to know how she is. Miss her endlessly....
  15. meinreallife
    Day 30 Today is my first post to the challenge. Reading your messages does help. The separation was for all the right reasons, but our together was so good. My dear friend is out there and I am here alone. I miss her....
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