DieTeufelKatze

LMAO!! What the hell is up with the OP mystery?? And how did this thread get bumped??

I'm not so sure I agree with the "they're just not with the right person" statement. I am a passive (sometimes active) CP, my recent bf/now ex is obviously a serious CP that swings between active and passive roles. He has had one girlfriend in his life so far, a girl he dated long distance when he was in his late teens/early twenties. He then proceeded to sleep with 20+ girls over the years after they broke up, never getting into a relationship or calling them his girlfriend. (He and I are both 27). We were seeing each other for 3 months non-exclusively, then exclusively (he gave me the "girlfriend" title) for another 3 months, until he started backing off. I freaked out and ran. We're back to talking again, but not back in a relationship. Having commitment issues myself, I can tell you that the anxiety that it brings up is REAL and very all-consuming. It doesn't matter who I've been with, and the same goes for him... we are VERY good together, but it doesn't matter because the anxiety the relationship brings up is too strong to be able to ignore. I think he's perfect for me, but the commitment anxiety is too great for either of us. Whether or not we can overcome it remains to be seen, but I don't believe in the "Oh, if only I were with the right person, I would be able to commit" excuse. It's hard to understand unless you've been there.

Well, I'm thinking of falling off the NC wagon completely (go to LC, letting him do most of the calling) just because it isn't really making sense to me anymore. I have to figure out what's going on between my ex and I, but I'll take my time and maybe let him initiate the "talk" I think we need to have. I had left him two VM messages on Saturday night regarding a strange situation with my previous ex talking to him about us and our relationship... my previous ex is attempting to win me back, apparently, even though I'm ignoring him, and I guess had talked to my current ex on Fri. in a way that seemed to be trying to gather info about me. I guess he didn't hear the second VM until last night, and he called me around 6:30 last night (phone was on vibrate so I didn't hear it and he left a message) thinking I had just left the VM. I was on my way to ballet and then I was going out with girlfriends for Cinco de Mayo, I breifly explained that second VM, and yeah, it was no longer relevant since we'd already discussed it on Sat.. I think I may have come accross as annoyed or terse, but it was only because I was pressed for time. I'm wondering if I should call him back in a few days if I don't hear from him before then. He seemed to want to be in touch, even though it was a mix-up. I miss him, and he seems to be wanting to work something out. It's too soon, but it's very hard to control myself when I want him back so much. I have the feeling that he's going to want to get together this week sometime.

Day 2, after REALLY having fell off the wagon on Sat. night. I'm deciding to let him contact me. My whole reason for coming over that night was to talk things out, but we ended up doing.... other things... instead. Still need some time to figure things out... I'm VERY conflicted about my ex. I honestly don't know WHAT I want right now.

I broke NC last night. ](*,) I TOLD you I'm BAD about DDing!! LOL!! Especially with this guy. It was around 1:45 last night, and I was all super buzzed so I decided to drive home the back way, which also happens to go near his house. Well, being the psycho that I am, I decided to do my first drive by. LOL. Notice the light in his bedroom is on. It was like I couldn't resist... I lit up a cigarette, got back onto the street that leads to my house, start driving home... text a "U awake?" (Now what in the hell am I supposed to do with that... I swear, I don't think sometimes). I get an IMMEDIATE text back a few seconds later "yeah". So he calls just as I'm pulling on to my street. We talked for about an hour and a half. He'd been out too and had just gotten home a while earlier. He spent half the phone conversation trying to talk me into coming over to his place. I interrogated him for a little while, still looking for reasons/answers when it came to the breakup. There's definitely nobody else, despite what one of my friends surmised (he was like... dudes act like that when they're interested in someone else). I didn't have too tough a time saying "no" to going over there. Told him it was too soon to be doing that. We are INSANELY sexually attracted to each other and I think I probably miss that about him the most. We had such good sex, I think we are both addicted. This was probably the most passionate relationship I've ever been in, in my life. I had a crush on this guy for over a year before we finally just slept with each other one drunken night. That one time turned into steady 6 months, until 2 weeks ago. lol. He was explaining what he wants right now... someone who can come over to his place, hang out, make dinner, watch a movie, have sex. That's basically what we'd been doing the last several months, but with less frequency the last month because he'd been "busy". I had assumed that "busy" was just an excuse for "I'm loosing interest and I really don't care about you". Now I'm starting to second guess that assumption. So basically, he wants more a FWB situation than bf/gf (he didn't think that was a good way to define it, but that's how I interpreted it), but would agree to be exclusive. He doesn't want the responsibility of a full-time relationship. It's somewhat understandable as he has a 3 year old daughter, runs a business, and is now laying down plans to build a house (has already put in an offer on a lot). Says he never wants to get married. He's been honest with me, however, and I think I'm starting to trust him more than I did in the past. I'm lost. I'm starting to fall for this guy, I am miserable without the sex and the part-time companionship. I want to be with him, even if it's just cozy evenings 2 nights out of the week. I'll probably break up with him again for the same reasons eventually, but I don't feel like I got enough time with him. I want to go back to him SO BADLY!!! And I CAN, I just don't think it's the healthiest thing for me. I was digging my nails into my thigh last night when I was lying there on my bed talking to him. That's how badly I miss/want him. So it's either settle for a part-time FWB-type relationship that obviously doesn't have much of a future at this point, or going NC again. Told him I have to think about it. I'm almost tempted to give in because of how passionate it has been between us... I feel like... the hell with it, throw caution to the wind, have my heart broken, I don't care, I WANT this... But am I fool?

Day 6 - I'm still at work, but I'll make my post now since I'm going out with a girlfriend later. Today has been REALLY hard for me. I woke up way too early this morning, went back to sleep just in time for my stupid alarm to go off. I am having STRONG urges to contact him, thinking up any excuse and then trying to talk myself out of it. I really hope I don't get drunk enough to just call him tonight. I still feel so confused about our breakup, even more so that he came and talked to me in person on Wed.. I know it will only push him away, but I'm wondering if he's having the same urges to call me and whatnot but is respecting my "I just need to be alone for awhile" statement. I miss talking to him SO much. I wonder if he was distancing because he was interested in someone else. My emotions are bouncing all over the place. I just want him back. I'm a little encouraged by the fact that I'm doing so well in ballet, and I might be filling in for someone in Paquita who has an injury... performance is a couple weeks away. We'll see.

I'm curious as to what Justagirl's text says. I had very strong urges to send a pissed off text the last several days, calling him an arsehole and whatnot... but resisted. Very hard not to give into temptation though. Day 5. I don't think I'll count yesterday's conversation, because I in no way initiated it (he came up and talked to me for awhile after work). I just got home from ballet tonight (a pointe class, at that), and right as I walked into the dressing room after class, I realized I hadn't thought about him at all the whole time!! YAY! That's a first for me! All week I'd been occupied ruminating over it all, even in ballet, but now I'm noticing that there are periods in the day where my mind isn't totally consumed by him. I even got some work done today, instead of obsessively reading this forum and articles, though most of the day was still spent doing that. I've lost about 10 pounds, maybe more. I eat only about once a day, and only in little amounts, at that. My ballet teachers are obviously giving me more attention now. I can't keep on the starvation diet forever (no appetite, I'm not literally trying to starve myself), but I have to admit that I look more ballerina-like than ever. I noticed my ex had dropped weight as well when I talked to him yesterday. Maybe he's not such a emotionally-barren robot afterall.

Day 4. Well, not quite the end of the day for me, but I might as well write my post anyhow. I'm not going to be calling him or have the urge later on. He was at my work today, he comes by about once a week with his mobile business. He talked to me twice... once to ask about my officemate, and then when I was walking to my car at the end of the day... his trailer was parked near my car, he came out and talked to me. We talked about a book I'd loaned him. Then we talked about a lot of other related subjects. But that was it... about a 10 minute conversation. I'm very confused. Did I break NC? It was just like we've always been... no weirdness, nothing. I don't know if he's missing me, or just wanting to smooth things over, or what.

Day 3. I felt miserable today. I get waves/pangs of lonliness. I KNOW he is never going to call me. He's that way. I sent him a text last Friday about a book I had loaned him that is actually my mother's (need it back)... and then had a HUGE mix-up later that night with the previous ex, who I had given my cell number the day before (finally, after over 6 months of NC), but hadn't programmed in, with an ambiguous text from previous ex, and of course, because I'm an idiot and had erased current ex's number from phone to make it harder for me to call... yeah, so I basically blew my cover because both these guys know each other (co-workers), but only current ex knows about previous ex. Previous ex probably now has strong suspicion/knows because text mix up included "hey, yeah, and I'm playing pool with one of your league buddies... and M [previous ex] is right behind me. Interesting." And I sent this to M. Because I'm an idiot and didn't check the numbers carefully. And M knows current ex is in a pool league. IDIOT!! ](*,) LOL So I programmed M as M, and programmed current ex as "Ass Clown" for the time being. And I'm NC-ing BOTH!! HA ha! M "dumped" me in a most horrendious, cruel fashion last Oct.. I guess for him, "breaking up" is his way of communicating that he has problems with the relationship. He obviously didn't really want to break it off, just did it in a fit of anger (he'd done it two weeks before but called a few hours later). I called his bluff this time 'round though. He proceeded to parade around this ex of his (some white trash sleeze who is still MARRIED) less than a week after we broke up. I work with this guy. I immediately went NC, and not only that, would not even acknowledge his existence at work for the last 6 months. I literally gave him the "Cut Direct" (look this term up if you are not familiar w/it, it's a great addition to NC if someone has acted so deplorably towards you that not even acknowledging them if they talk to you would not be considered rude. I did it so that I would not react emotionally at work.) Luckily I could do that without it effecting my job. And most people didn't blame me, after the "performance" he and his little girlfriend put on at the company Christmas party in Dec. (she was all over him, I think because of my presense... I am not vain but I am about two or three leagues above her). I called last week to find out if he still had something of mine (he threw it away. Creep). I got a profuse apology, a surprise for me, and I found out that she was a tool to try and make me jealous, and also a rebound for him (he actually admitted the rebound thing, CLAIMED that it wasn't to make me jealous, but I know better). He is practically prostrate on the ground trying to get my attention, telling me how he's been working on being a better person, etc. ... aaaahhh... thanks, but no thanks. NC is easier the second time around.

Day 2, before that I had gone 6 days NC. I did NC for 6 months with previous ex, this time it's much easier for me since I know how to handle it. This is going to be reeeeeallly hard though, this much I know. I seem to go about one week before breaking down. I work with the previous ex, and the most recent ex is at my work on occasion too. I'm trying to stay strong.