wonderer

Hi Tania. Sorry to hear that your struggling w/ this. I'm hear to tell you that you are not alone. The reason he doesn't want to have sex w/ you is because he is masturbating while looking at his porn. He is being extremely selfish. You need to go on-line at learn everything you can about masturbation addiction and porn addiction and then if he will you need to seek counseling. Please understand that this has nothing to do with how he feels about you! They think that there is nothing wrong with what they are doing and thereforeeee it becomes our problem. I KNOW how difficult it is to not let this affect your self esteem, however you are the same person he married a year ago......this is NOT your fault. I've read all I can read on this topic because I have the same issues at home. I have some questions for you and some insight that might help.....these are things that have helped in my situation. If you would like to talk more, please pm me.

Hi. Well, I think it could be a couple of different things. 1.) Maybe he has found someone else and she is fulfilling his need. 2.) Maybe he's just not attracted to you anymore, or 3.) Maybe he's getting fulfilled some other way. Does he look at porn and masturbate on a regular basis? Just something to think about, but let us know what happens. Whatever the problem is, communication is the answer.

Well, I have news for you and it's not good news. The reason he is looking at porn and not having sex w/ you is because he is getting off in front of his computer and he has nothing left for you. Take it from me because I continue to go through it, although it's not to the extent that you talk about. You need to get on the internet and do some research on masturbation addiction (yes, there is such a thing). Do the research and you will find that it fit's your boyfriend to a tee. Please remember that this is NOT your problem; it is his. However, because he refuses to have sex with you it has become your problem. Realize though that you can't let your self esteem be affected by this. These men actually believe that they are doing no wrong. They also think that even though they are fantasizing about beautiful women and masturbating that we, their partners should not be threatened by it. Do your research and then make a decision as to what you will do, but keep in mind that this is an addiction and it will ALWAYS be there. Good luck and if you need help and/or advice just let me know. I think I've read everything there is on this ugly topic.

Charmed/Shyguy24, Yea, I guess in some ways you are right.....we all have secrets that we don't want to share. I KNOW that he is not cheating on me, but I think it's creepy that he's taking these pictures and these women don't even know it. I'm not sure I would want someone doing that to me. Most of these pictures are of this womans butt (he's a butt man). He's taken pictures like this before when the two of us were together on the beach and he said he wanted a good one to send in to link removed, so maybe that's what he's doing. Your right Shyguy 24, if I was the one taking the pics, I'm sure he would NOT be happy about it, he's a jealous person anyway. As far as our sex life goes, we have improved in this area greatly since the porn issue. The only problem we seem to have is that I'm 36 years old and in my prime (he's 41), thereforeeee I want sex ALOT more then he seems to want it. He says this is not a problem for him, however sometimes I feel like I'm abnormal because I'm always coming onto him and several times he has acutally told me that he was too tired. We play and experiment and watch porn together on occasion and he says that I completely satisfy him and that our sex life is not boring (not like it used to be). We've learned to be very open with each other about our needs and our wants in this area. I really don't think that this is the problem. Maybe what I need to do is just wait it out and see if it happens again and then really confront him about it. I do know that if this continues I HAVE to tell him that I know he took the pictures with his new camera and that they were not "old" pictures. There comes a point where he's got to know that I'm not dumb and that I really know whats going on. Then if it doesn't stop I will have no choice but to move on (and who know's maybe I'll find a man that can deal with my sexual appetite). Any other comments/suggests would be helpful and thank you for all so far. Shyguy24 - You should be very proud that you were able to stop the porn problem that you had. I know that it takes alot to be able to do that.

Charmed. Because of the past porn problem w/ him, I wasn't and didn't make a big deal about it because it really wasn't a big deal. I mean, we watch porn together now, on occasion. I guess I was hoping he would just say, "yea, I stopped to eat lunch and found these people playing volleyball and took some pictures". He denied it instead. I think he got so mad because he knew he had been caught doing something that most people do not do and most people would think that it was weird. He has said that I'm his best friend and that he has no secrets, but I'm finding that this may not be true. Am I making too big a deal out of this?

First, I want to thank you all for helping me with my last post - Is My Boyfriend Addicted to Porn? All of your advice really helped. Now I have another problem and I need your help/advice again. I was on our computer the other day looking for a picture so I could print it and I discovered that my boyfriend had made a stop in Zephyr Cove (near South Lake Tahoe in CA). For his job he drives alot and he was on his way to Reno, NV to do a job and apparently made a stop at this beach near the lake. Well, he had his digital camera with him and he took seventeen pictures of three different women in their bikinies who were playing volleyball. It was obvious that these women had no idea that he was taking these pictures. I asked him where the pictures came from and he said that he had taken them a long time ago and had recently found them, however I know that's not true because he hasn't had this camera very long and he had just come back from Reno the previous day. He then got furious at me and accused me of snooping. I've acutally not ever seen him that angry which I thought was a little strange. I really was not going to make a big deal of the pictures, however he's the one that got so made at me. We actually almost broke up over this. I'm not sure what bothered me more....the fact that he lied or the fact that he actually took these pictures. I think it's kind of strange, but would like to know what you think. He says he would never cheat on me, but now I don't know. If he can lie about this, then he can lie about anything. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Hi Candise. Thank you for your advice and concerns; it really is appreciated. I'm really sorry to hear that you are going through this too and I do hope that your husband decides to stop and/or get help. I do know that until he makes up his mind to stop that nothing will change. Have you tried watching porn with him? Is that something you think you could get into? Do you have an open relationship about sex or has your sex life become the "same old thing" time after time? My boyfriend has decided that he loves very much and doesn't want to hurt me anymore, thereforeeeee he has agreed to look at porn less and make love to me more. He has said that our sex life had become too predictable for him and he was bored. We now watch some porn together and we are constantly trying new things in bed and we both look forward to the times that we can be together. We are now having sex about everyother day. We had a communication problem when it came to our sex life and now that we are talking and spicing things up, things have gotten better. Now don't get me wrong here, I'm still VERY peranoid and I still wonder if this will come back to haunt me someday, but it's a chance I have to take because I love him. We had a talk just the other night and agreed that we were not discussing this problem enough for me to feel comfortable so he agreed to tell me right up front what he looks at when he logs onto the computer every morning so that I don't have to ask. Communication and willingness to change and experiment is the key here. If you tell your husband that he can't look at porn, it's like telling him that he can't go to his favorite restaurant and then he will want to look at porn even more. If you try some of this and nothing works, then at least you know you gave it the best chance you could and then you should stop putting yourself through this and accept the fact that he's not going to change and leave him. No women should have to live this way.....with her needs not being met sexually and her husband masturbating to pornography. I hope this helps and please let me know how it is going.

Hi Buffalosoldier. I'm sorry that your feeling this way, however I can relate because I also worry and think way too much and I'm much older then you. It's called overthinking. They actually have written a book called "Why Women Think Too Much." I haven't gotten all the way through it, however so far it is very helpful. It explains why we do what we do and it tells you how to control it and what the consequences may be if you don't. I don't have the name of the author with me, but if your interested just let me know. When you find yourself dwelling on things, you need to realize what your doing and push those thoughts out of your head. I've been told that you can't and will not change the future by worrying, so why do it. I don't always succeed in pushing these worrys out of my head, but I try to take one day and one moment at a time. Good Luck!

Hi hmazer. I know exactly what your going through, however if it's not affecting your sex life I wouldn't worry about it too much. You do need to keep a watchful eye at all times to ensure that it won't affect your sex life. I'm dealing w/ a similar problem w/ my boyfriend, however in the beginning of our relationship we agreed that he could look at porn as long as it didn't affect us, but little did I know that it was affecting us right from the very beginning. I have learned soooo much from this site as well as others. The most importnat thing I have learned is that you do need to talk, talk, talk and talk some more about the problem, however, don't be blind enough to think that it will stop because it won't. And when you talk to him about it you CAN'T make him feel guilty about doing it or he will shut you out completely. Be understanding and learn as much as you can. Explain to him that your in this thing together and you will work it out together. The agreement that we have come to is that down the road, after our sex life takes on normalcy then he can look at porn on occasion, but most of the time it will be with me. Some of our problem was that we had misunderstandings about what was acceptable and not acceptable when it came to sex. We have talked and shared and I have cried many tears for feeling so rejected, but things are improving very slowly. Please just know that this is NOT your fault and what they view on that screen is totally different then how they feel about us. Remember also that you are not alone in fighting this thing. You need to find someone close to you that you can talk to and preferably someone that is having similar problems. Good Luck and keep us informed.

I have suggested that we watch some together and he seems very open to that. We also had a discussion about our sexual needs while in the bedroom and we've learned alot about each other. He seems to be trying very hard because I'll ask him how things went after being home alone and on the computer and he has been honest with me up to this point. This is all positive, however I've read so many things that say most people will stop for a month or two and then it will all start again. I've now realized that this is something that we will ALWAYS have to deal with because it is a sickness. I've also realized that this is not my fault, however it does still make me feel a bit inadequate. I'm trying to take one day at a time and I've been very understanding and open with him and he seems to be receptive at the moment. We will eventually try to watch some porn together, but I told him that we shouldn't try this just yet and he agrees. I know that he will make mistakes from time to time and I've asked him to tell me when he does and he says that he will. I just have to decide in the long run if this is something I can deal with for the rest of my life (considering we've talked of marriage). I realize that the chance of him overcoming this slim but I do have to give him a chance. I know that I have it better then some women going through this because at least he is admitting that he has a problem and that he doesn't want it to affect us anymore. Thank you for all your comments and suggestions and I welcome more.

I have suggested that we watch some together and he seems very open to that. We also had a discussion about our sexual needs while in the bedroom and we've learned alot about each other. He seems to be trying very hard because I'll ask him how things went after being home alone and on the computer and he has been honest with me up to this point. This is all positive, however I've read so many things that say most people will stop for a month or two and then it will all start again. I've now realized that this is something that we will ALWAYS have to deal with because it is a sickness. I've also realized that this is not my fault, however it does still make me feel a bit inadequate. I'm trying to take one day at a time and I've been very understanding and open with him and he seems to be receptive at the moment. We will eventually try to watch some porn together, but I told him that we shouldn't try this just yet and he agrees. I know that he will make mistakes from time to time and I've asked him to tell me when he does and he says that he will. I just have to decide in the long run if this is something I can deal with for the rest of my life (considering we've talked of marriage). I realize that the chance of him overcoming this slim but I do have to give him a chance. I know that I have it better then some women going through this because at least he is admitting that he has a problem and that he doesn't want it to affect us anymore. Thank you for all your comments and suggestions and I do welcome more.

Wow! Some of these responses have been very helpful. I'm in the very same situation with my boyfriend. I actually started believing that this was MY fault. We, as women need to remember that this is not our problem, it has only become our problem because our mate's have made it our problem. In the beginning of our relationship, we both agreed that porn was acceptable as long as it didn't affect our relationship in any way. He understood that I didn't have a problem with him looking at it. Well, our sex life was never what it should have been and I would ask him about it and he would make up some excuse as to why we didn't have more sex. Then, over the weekend he admits to masturbating in front of the computer instead of having sex with me. I don't understand this! How can he possibly enjoy that over me? I'm struggling with this whole thing and I haven't decided if I should stay or go. Please, ladies, understand that this is not your fault. It is a sickness for these men. Take one day at a time, just as I am trying to do. Talking about it with someone that is going through it does seem to help. Thanks.

In a way I agree w/ Stumbeline's advice. IF it is not affecting your sexual relationship, then leave him alone because it will only get worse if you don't. Trust me on this, I know. I'm dealing w/ a similar situation, except much worse.

Yes, I have paid for Yahoo Personals and it does work. It's a very good service and if my boyfriend and I don't work out, I would do it again.

Charmed, yes I agree with your advice and I’m trying to do just that. I try not to push him away or make him feel bad for what he has done and the LAST thing I want to do is to push him further away so he starts hiding it again. My fear hear is that this thing may go deeper then what we think because he admitted that he’s been doing this for years. I’m VERY concerned that he will not be able to stop without help, but your right that I have to give him the chance. I love him and I do want our relationship to work, however I feel so hurt and rejected by this. It would have been easier to know that he was having an affair with another women instead of a computer screen. How can I possibly compete with that? Anyway, I’m trying to be as supportive as I can and I told him that I would give it a chance, but that if it didn’t improve I wouldn’t stay with him so I do feel that I’ve been completely honest. Any other advice would be helpful and thank you for the comments so far.