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Excalibur

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  1. It sounds like he's been running from the depression for a long time with different countries, cities, academic pursuits, etc...and he can't run from it anymore. No matter whree he goes, there he is.
  2. Basically your behavior is teaching people that you're irrelevant and disposable - you're entertainment, or you're a benefits and services provider but of no intrinsic personal value.
  3. Are you looking for a relationship to complete you, identify you, secure your position in the world? If so - you cannot entrust someone with that responsibility and you'll never commit except to what works for the moment...while fearing ever committing again because your approach will be "once committed to you - you have my assets, my abilities, my time and my future in your hands and I am no longer available to myself." If you commit to you - and remain true to that comitment at the core level - you can involve and intertwine with someone else without "losing you" - that's commitment to the other person.
  4. There's a difference between "I don't want commitment, because I like options"...and "I'm scared to make a commitment becuase I might get hurt, disappointed, upset, confused, dumped, or taken to the cleaners". There's a world of difference.
  5. I found one of my issues was for a very long time - I wanted someone's attention to "make me feel special" - and then I fluctuated with it "I want my attention to them to make me feel positively about me". When it was always about "I feel special because you are prostrate at my feet, or I feel special becuase I am so generous and giving to you" - I had issues keeping a commitment. The people that wanted me to serve them - were so not into serving anybody....and vice versa. When I realized the desire ot give - needed to be because I wanted them to have what I was offering, because of how I regarded them in existential character.....and my view of me was based on how I regarded me based on how I conducted my life on life's terms...then I could make a commitment and keep it and not surprisingly, I was then attracted to and attractive to balanced, secure, mature, healthy individuals.
  6. Ah, well, maybe you saw what they "built" - and it took years of building that prior to you being in the world, observant to create, and it took a great deal of effort to maintain thru careers, and losses, children and parental duties. Maybe you thought 'until it looks like that for me, I won't commit" - not realizing that if you never committed first - it could never look like that.
  7. Maybe you saw what they sacrificed or opted out of to be in marriage and have children -and you wanted no part of those types of sacrifices. If you wanted "solo wins" to so speak and you saw your parents constantly sacrificing, compromising and having to do what was best for the "community good" of the family instead of for themselves you said subliminall - to commit means to sacrifice and concede your individuality, no way for me. I know a great many people with parents who loved being married - who personally want no part of marriage or kids themselves. They were parented in a way to think for themselves, shoot for the stars, to be self-accountable and self-responssible from an early age.....and they saw that to take on the obligation to someoen else's needs, goals and priorities was compromising thier own potential - so they wanted no part of it.
  8. Actually, at the time I knew there was a problem and couldn't understand why I put up those walls, I wanted to be in a loving, fulfilling and committed relationship. I wasn't happy with the way things were and decided to make the change. Sounds like a classic case of "recovery" to me....I don'tknow why I drank so much for so long - but I didn't want the results I was living with becuase of it - so I stopped drinking and dealt with the issues that I used to believe "justified the drinking". Same with repeat marriages, and anything else anybody has. The day they're sick and tired of living with the results their actions create - they change their actions...not until.
  9. My point is well made, but easily missed that once you determined you were missing out on something - you changed your patterns and associations in action - so that you became someone who "could commit". But until you wanted people there for you and realized the reason they never stick around, is because I never stick around......there was no change to be made. In that period of your life you wouldn't have said you were a commitment phobe - you'd have said I'm living my life on my terms,and it meets my needs. Today - in retrospect, you think you were a commitment phobe because you didn't want committment and ran from it when imminenent. It's just that in reality - when you didn't want commitment and what it required of you - you didn't think you were missing out on anything. Most commitment phobic types do have a change of agenda and heart in their 40's and 50's....they've been everywhere, done everything ,they have stories and have had experiences that most people can't imagine - much less personally involve in...tat's becuase there has been nobody else to consider along with themselves when deciding what to do and how to od it. When the "been there, done that" perspective sets in - you realize the myriad of experiences can't be duplicated in other areas...and so now making a commmitment to someone else and considering them equally with yourself isn't an overmuch sacrifice. I've been there - and done it........and till I was 44.....I didn't want commitment either. Are you saying that if an individual is not able to sustain any sort of loving committed relationship they are not CP? That is what I am saying. commitmentphobe is a self-proclaimed title and usually only held once change is desired on the individuals. part. It's not a diagnosis that can be rendered by the others who might desire commitment with the person who refuses to see the value and benefit of association with them. I had to know someone extremely unique to see it - he committed himself in every way 200% to what he believed in, espoused, and found exciting, thrilling, and empowering and fulfilling. In no way, shape or form did he ever not commit to whatever it takes....in those situations and realtionships. But what he did NOT want.......was marriage and kids. And unfrotunately, he was built like a body builder, with athletic speed, and California good looks...and everywhere he went women wanted desperately to date him - he has no problemw ith it - they desired ardously to sleep with him - again no problem there....but anything that went into her going "so where are we headed" meant he was headed out the door. He was not willing to take on the responsiblity an obligation of commmitment to another person's wnats, needs, goals, agenda, and feelings equally with his own - he firmly believed that is what a committed relationship demanded, and he wanted no part of violating his own code of ethics. And it's actually a wonderful thing that he held that view....he was 55 when he passed away in a freakish manner with a disease his lifestyle rarely encounters at all. If he'd have given any portion of his short 37 years from 18 to 55 to prioritizing other people's needs and wants, goals, and feeings - he'd have never accomplished all that he did, seen all that he saw. He'd have shortchanged himself...it was kind of like he knew all along he wouldn't make it to 60. He kept saying 'if I hit 60, I'll settle down". Hed' been saying that since he was 30.
  10. It's imperative not to throw a label on someone because they don't value waht you value, or define it as you do. Everybody that doesn't want a committed relationship romantically is not commitment phobic. Commitment phobic personalities are perpetually switching jobs, interests, friends, locations, and have no long term associations of any sort that they carry forward into the next phase of their lives.
  11. Basically - you're 3rd or lower on the list of options - and she's searching for a better option. It's like jobs - no matter which one you're in that is paying you a salary - you're always looking for a better position, with more money and benefits.
  12. Compartmentalized, insecure or other dysfunctional people see relationships as a one sided, self-benefitting situation. They want to play with you as they would a toy - when they want to play with the toy. They want you to be on the shelf, or in the toy box ready for them to play with again - whenever the mood strikes. They don't get attached to the toy, or involve with the toy to meet its needs or consider it important. they involve with the toy when it benefits, gratifies and satisfies them.....period. It's not that they're commitment phobic - it's that they see no value in commitment or involvement, and only interact when it benefits, gratifies, and satisfies them. In reading into theri actions, decisions and words that they'll want what they want now - in two weeks - that's the problem. You can't predict two hours from now - much less two weeks. They want what they want, when they want it....and that's it.
  13. Try this: "I want the best for you as you determine it to be". That's a statement easy made and held to as a standard of interaction if you admire, respect, trust, and accept the person as they are. That allows you to stand back and without evluating their intentions or needs which you can't know - you accept that they're doing what they intelligently and resposibly believe is best for them...to meet their goals and needs. Until you can say that about someone - you don't really love them, and compassion and enabling are very similar, the only difference is YOUR intention and perception of life, not thiers. If you see someone in self-destruction....it is compassionate to give them what feeds them for a day - to continue the cycle. Or give them respite for awhile, so they can rest and gear up to repeat the pattern? No...that's enabling. Is it compassion to intervene and lock them away so that the patterns they choose and accept as right and comfortable cannot be utilized - yes, but most lack that level of sponsorship for that type of compassion. Is it compassion to allow them to do what theyr'e doing, and if it meets with the inevitable result of death - at least they're out of their misery while you are not negatively affected by thier actions in association - yes, that is compassion and everybody has the financial ability to institute it.
  14. If you "care deeply" about a self-destructive person - it's because you're twisted yourself and like to feel good about yourself in comparison to a screw up.
  15. Here's the bottom line - it doesn't matter what type of issues, disorders, baggage, or problems other people have....if you have self-esteem in every way - you will walk away from people that you don't admire, respect, and accept for who they are...not who they could be, should be, or the title they hold.
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