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SweetSmilingYeti

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  1. Day #10 I want to call my ex so much. I have so much to get off my chest. I don't know why I've become like this. I miss him so much.
  2. I'm in Day 9 still (10 starts at 11:30pm) I haven't called him/talked to him. It's spring break so it should be easier not to think about him right? WRONG! It seems like that is what I do all the time, even when I am with my friends! I found out he is going to take the biggest "easy girl" to prom. The same girl his best friend lost his virginity to. Lovely eh? I feel like he has drained every ounce of everything from me. It is to the point that I don't want to go to UF simply because I know I'll have to hear about him there. We have mutual friends and the last thing I want is to hear how he is dating somebody or something. I want him back so much guys. I would give anything to have my old boyfriend back but it feels like he is dead. Like my ex isn't even that guy anymore. I miss him so much.
  3. Day 6 or seven or whatever. I'm not even paying attention anymore. I still get sad about my ex at times but not in the same way I used to. It's almost like a distant bittersweet memory. I miss my ex but he seems to be sooooooooo far away I know I will never want to reach him. Funny since I see him everyday. the only little thing that keeps bugging me is what my ex will do at prom. I shouldn't care but I get those stabs in the heart when I picture him drinking or possibly having sex. Yuck! Oh well. I feel like I finally have my life so much better together than him or even when I was with him. I go out with friends and have made friends with new, better people that share the same way of thinking I do. Funny how the tables have turned in this whole break up thing. Yes, it still does feel like a competition but I am letting that go as well. So my next goal (My first was learning how to NC the second to stop looking at him so much in class) is to stop competing with him. I need to stop doing that before I can truly let go of the anger I hold for him. Ah wish me luck. I feel like this one might take a while.
  4. Still Day 2 although it is technically Day 3 (Day 3 starts at like 11:30 pm) um last night I went to see a band rom school (you know the typical guitar guys playing songs). It was really nice but I did catch myself isolating myself from people as the night wore on. Since it was Easter weekend a lot of the old alumni from our school showed up including this cute guy. Well apperanly while I was sulking in a corner listening to the band play he came and sat facing me. I smiled and said hi but idk. All my friends were like "OMG HE WAS SO FLIRTING WITH YOU! HE IS CUTE!" He was. He had been looking at me while I sipped my coffee from the other side of the room yet I couldn't bring myself to even "flirt" back. I wanted to. He seemed cool enough. I'm scared that I've lost my appeal for men thanks to my ex. I know it sounds cliche and all but I just see men as...just people. I hate being alone but I can't stand being with people. One of the band members jokingly commented on my anti social-ness last night. He was joking but he was pretty right. I had my back turned to the entire group of people talking (although I was checking out a very cool Bob Dylan CD). Then the cute guy walked up the the CD stand and started making small talk but I just said a word here and there and then just mumbled myself away from the spot. How pathetic! Well, I hope he comes back next Saturday because I would love to say hi to him again although by now he probably things I'm very very shy or very very anti social ( I think I'm more of the latter). As for the ex. I haven't talked to him. Haven't seen him although I think I saw his sister yesterday (not too sure. She looks like a typical rich white girl so I can't really make out the difference very well). I don't know. Like I said. I think I lost my appeal for men. I wish I could find a guy who is a lot like me. Actually one of the band members (the one who commented on me being anti social) is a lot like me and I think (maybe?) I might have a little crush on him. But he is off limits since one of my good friends is in LOVE with the guy. Too bad because it is so obvious he isn't. Oh well, I'm not about to get into that problem! But he is nice...He keeps me interested and whenever I am around he does tend to notice me a lot although I never give him more than a second's attention. He even said he was going to see if his band wanted to learn one of my favorite songs. Idk...I just don't want any drama! He probably thinks I'm a nice girl but too quite for his own good. Lol, I'm not quite at all...I just like to explore my own train of thought. Outside conversation gets dull after five minutes.
  5. Yeah so I broke NC last night. I just got so angry. I found out last night (well wasn't the first time I've heard this but it was the first detail account) that my ex has been telling people about out sex life and going into great detail. I don't think I've ever been so angry and I do regret talking to him but at the time....oooh I just don't know. I am angry thinking about it. I just told him I didn't care what he did with his life but not to include me in it. That if he had an ounce of respect for me he would know that telling people my personal matters is wrong. That I wasn't one of his little * * * * s he could degrade like that. I probably did the wrong thing but idk.. something snapped in me. Yes, I've been hurting because he has been changing and hanging around easy girls but I kept NC because I knew what he did with his life didn't have to do anything with mine anymore. I guess I snapped last night when I heard he was trying to dirty up my name just to make himself seem cooler. It was the final stab in the back and I just couldn't take it. I'm sorry guys. I feel like I let a lot of people down, more importantly myself. I am not ashamed of telling him what I said because it was all true but I wish that I had never heard what he was saying about me because I've been filled with this unexplainable rage that I can't describe. I'm just glad it is a 3 day weekend then a 4 day week and then spring break. The bad part is that last night I had one of the BEST nights in so long! I sat with my prom date at this school event (a guy beauty pageant where they dressed up like girls ) and we had fun. Then me and a bunch of girlfriends ended up eating dinner together. It was so nice! Just that afterwards I was hanging out with a mixture of my guy friends and girl friends and then they told me...well the guys did. You know how guys are, they don't think before talking half the time. Well it was more like they were talking about how my ex dumped them (the group of guys) too! Then they said something about him trying to be all cool and then they told me what he was saying. I don't know what to think about his. Of course I'm not in day 13 but Day 1 again. It sucks. I don't care anymore. If he wants to continue talking about it I can't stop him but I at least let him know how I feel about it. Ugh I'm over it. I just never would have thought my ex would sink to such a level. And the stuff he told them was pretty graphic. Not just "we had sex" but he described it and all. Makes me sick to my stomach thinking about how somebody could be so immature.
  6. Oh so the sun shines again! I am out of the funk that lasted two days. Surprisingly, I never really feal tthe need to call him. I wanted to but I never because obsessive about it. Talking to my friends really helped as well as talking it out on here. You know, I've come to the conclusion of "it isn't worth it". All this pain, all this anguish isn't worth it. At least not for him. I've never been ashamed of my tears for those show how much I honestly loved him. I don't think anybody should be ashamed of them yet is he really worth them? The answer it NO. He never understood what I felt for him. He mocked me when I told him to grow up but I never realized how right I was. I got involved with somebody who couldn't appreciate the emotion behind a stroke of his cheek or a simple kiss on the cheek. No, he could never understand what it felt like to be in love. I can't share tears for him for that reason. I have been shedding tears for somebody who I thought loved me but I've kind of realized he never did love me back. I don't really know what to think anymore. I'm done "competing" with him. I've already won. I didn't have to change to try to fit in. I like who I am. I didn't have to go against any of my values. I hold them dear to my heart. I knwo what love is. He can only associate relaitonships with lust. What more can I say? I can't be jealous of a person who is so...superficial? As for him flirting with other girls, I don't care anymore. I can flirt with guys and find men who like me but do I want that? Nope. I don't want to settle for people who have nothing in common with. I don't need a person to like me in order to feel better about myself. I've finally been able to walk past all the couples at school and smile at their antics. They are cute. I want that. But I want that with a person who will love me back. So here is to day 12! Almost half way done! i think I am going to give myself a rainbow smiley today... weeeeeee
  7. Although I am keeping up with this NC stuff, I feel like I am slowly dieing. I don't know what happened! I was okay until yesterday. I just miss my ex so much. It hurts seeing this person that has the same name as my ex and is suppose to be him everyday. I think it hurts more seeing him change so much after we broke up than having him break up with me. I feel like I was trampled on. Like none of the feelings I shared with him were real on his side. He has literally gone against every value we shared. I feel used. I haven't done anything to jeopardized my NC challenge at all but all of I sudden I miss him. I miss my old boyfriend and the way he smelled and the way he felt when I hugged him. I feel so so alone. Maybe it would be easier if I didn't have to see him everyday. I feel like he is rubbing salt on my wounds every time I see him laughing and smiling. I feel like I just can't go on. I really really don't. I don't want to even go to school anymore because I know I"ll have to see him and screw on my happy face. I don't want to go to prom because I'll have to see him dancing with his new girl. I just want to disappear. I understand what Gizmo was saying last week about having to pick up his 9740927597239457927 pieces of his heart his ex left behind. I haven't felt this out of control in a while.
  8. okay I have a question. Have you ever broke up with an ex that goes to your same school? Can you guys tell me how you were able to move on with him there ALL the time? I know it is doable but today it seems so impossible. I don't know what has gotten into me.
  9. my friend "warned" me about not getting into any relationship soon. I knew this already but it just hurt having to hear it from somebody else. She knows that if I do go into one it would be out of total rebound and she doesn't want to see me transfer all the feelings for my ex to the new guy. To be honest, I don't feel like I could ever like a guy anymore. I know I will but when I feel what my ex did to me it just makes me want to recoil and never come out again. I mean he basically cheated, lied and persuaded himself through the whole entire relationship and what is worse is that he doesn't have the decency to just leave me be? He not only trampled with me during the relationship but afterwards as well. How can somebody do that? Somebody who claimed to "love you"? I mean heck, if he has a little respect for what we had then he wouldn't be doing or saying half the things he is. Anyways, after the convo with my friend I basically just laid in bed and cried a little until I fell asleep until about 9:30. I know I can't and won't say anything to him ever again but it is just beyond my comprehension that he could do that to me. It is almost like I wish I could talk to him to just confirm it. I won't, don't worry. This whole break up/getting over part just feels like a big race with him. Like who can act happier than the other? Too bad he isn't acting. He is getting everything he wanted and I feel so left behind. If anybody deserves to be happy it should be ME. I don't care if it is immature but how come the dumpers have to suffer more? How is that fair? Then we develop some screwy conception of relationships and are messed up for life. Thanks to who? Some stupid immature douche bag who used me and my feelings to get what he wanted out of me! I can't believe it! I feel like I'm in a dream. I was such a doormat. even after we broke up I told him I would do anything for him. Ugh. I need to let this go. I really do. I just don't know how.
  10. So Day 11. it was a good day! I still stings (but doesn't totally hurt anymore) seeing my ex everyday. He has ditched the glasses for contacts now. He looks so different people can barely recognize him. Total sell out. Um I've been flirting with this guy that is really cute. I don't really like the guy but he is a good distraction. I just can't stand seeing my ex flirt with other girls! To be honest, I'm just jealous! I'm jealous that he likes somebody and is going to take her to prom and I'm not as happy as he is. I don't want him, I don't want him to take me to prom. I don't want to ever see him. I just wish that I could come out the winner and him the loser! Immature, right? =/
  11. I'm so nervous about tomorrow. OKay I made another goal for the week. Okay the first one is not letting my ex's friends get to me and my second one is to stop talking about my ex and his friends unless it is something that really bothers me. I don't want to keep talking about the same thing over and over. That is how they win, isn't it? That they get so into your skin you can't stop thinking about them/what they say? I'm really nervous about going to school. I wish so much I could go to school and have them POOF disappear. I'm nervous about having to hear what my ex did this weekend or if he finally hooked up with his best friend's ex. I don't think I can bear seeing them together. Yes, that's it. I'm scared he found somebody new. I mean, I know who she is and it just NO! I want to find somebody FIRST! Gosh darn it I deserve to find somebody first! I'm the one suffering! ughhhhhhh
  12. Welcome sng. Your story made me tear up. I know you do not feel strong but you are! It takes a lot for a person to say enough is enough! We are very proud of you and if you need anything we are all here for you! You can do this!
  13. Oh Sam I just want to give you a big hug. I wish I could give you a little of the peace that has been settling in my heart. And it's okay about the email. Your ex sounds nice and although you shouldn't have sent it, she could have replied with something much worse. But you do have to let go. No matter how messy you left the relationship it is time you pick yourself back up. Not to sound corny but I love the whole theme of Batman Begins. "Why do we fall?" "So that we can learn to pick ourselves up". =)
  14. Wow Day 10?! It is funny because when I started I was so depressed and thought "30 DAYS?!?! THAT IS SO LONGGGGGGG!" but I'm 1/3 done with it! This is such a breeze! I still do think about the ex a lot. My thoughts oscillate between the memories we shared and the hard truth that he was lying all along but I do have to say that the sweet memories are becoming fewer as the truth begins to sink in. This new realization (although it isn't so new) has left me very angry and I find myself at night or whenever I have "alone time" talking to him and telling him how much he has hurt me. Lol no, I'm not TALKING to him. I just pretend I am. Long gone are the fantasies of him coming back and begging to be with me. I now seem to fantasize scenarios in which I get to tell him all I feel. It helps. Especially what happened Friday with his best friend asking me "Did you expect to marry (name)?". I think now is the time to start letting things go. Anger is like poison and my ex is like a mean monster you find under the bed. If I don't let him hurt me then he dies. He wants to put me down (that is why he keeps telling his friends untrue things) but I have to rise above it and not let him hurt me anymore. I am hopeful for this week. I remember last week my fear was that I had class with him and I didn't know if I was going to be able to make it without talking to him. I did it and to be honest, I don't feel that obsessive NEED to call him or talk to him anymore. My new fear, or my new goal (if you are optimistic), is what his friends say to me. I need to stop letting them get to me. I want to be happy again and I won't be until I realize that I am worth much more than what my ex/ his friends have made me out to be. I'm not one of their bimbo girls they can play around with. Once again, good luck guys. I love reading all your posts and Irish Jax: congratulation! You are almost there! I will let you guys know how it turns out tomorrow! I am sure I will be able to meet this goal with as much success as I met the last one.
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